On the good ship, lollipop...

I've still got a fair amount of stuff I need to get done for school, and I'll get to it, but my solution for my current problems? Is to simply go and burn off my frustration with sex. A lot of it, since there's no good reason not to.

The simple truth is that the men that I care about and love, they don't give a shit about me, not if they stop and really think honestly to themselves. Or if they actually do care about me, in any fashion? They have done one stellar job of proving that they can treat me like absolute garbage, with no concern in the slightest for my well-being, or concern for my feelings.

In one corner, we have my supposed best friend Danny, who managed to say without so much as considering the implications of it, that of course if things go south, he'd be able to move back in with me. Sure he would! Notwithstanding the fact that for the entire last year, I've had to rebuild my life without him, because he moved on without a backward glance in my direction, and I was just supposed to be fine with that, while he fucked her silly in front of me. But of course, if everything falls apart with her, sure he'd be able to move right back in, because hey, why wouldn't he be able to? What the fuck? Does he seriously not see how crass that was, on the heels of "okay" in the termination of communication, and a friendship, the automatic assumption that of course he'd be able to and welcome to move back in? What am I? However much I might care, does that give you leave to treat me as disposable while you ignore me 90% of the time, and ban me from your house, and basically ditch our friendship, and expect to be welcome to live here if she dumps you? And you expect to *not* be hated? Seriously? And me to not be offended, and you expect hugs, and everything to be bunnies and fucking sunshine?

And in the other corner, we have Phillip, who swore up and down, knowing how insecure I was, that if Colleen gave him an ultimatum, he was not going to walk away from a friendship that he valued, because of a woman. He wasn't that spineless, and he would never abandon a friend he trusted and depended on. He wouldn't allow an ultimatum of that sort, ever. We'd discussed it at length, and I laughed at him, and told him that he'd never choose a friend over a girlfriend, and he assured me repeatedly, that he'd never do that, abandon a friend. I was being silly, and I should stop worrying.

Cue the shitty two-line email, and never hearing from him again, when the ultimatum came down, and the fact that she did exactly what I'd predicted, and he never did bother to contact me again. And I wasn't at fault in that entire mess, and I never did hurt him. We were friends. We were lovers. And he walked away from that friendship without a backwards glance, without any apology, because he had to have her. And he never returned. So much for the value of friendship, or loyalty, or anything else.

So now, I'm not really inclined to go looking to have a "boyfriend", or looking for a commitment. Looking to get laid? Sure, sex is fun, and I like to fuck and get off just as much as anybody else. But trusting someone to not screw me over? Not a chance. Because the people I trusted, have completely fucked me over. I don't have any belief at all that someone is going to look at me, and see something kind and tender, and not completely rip it away.

Oh, I value myself just fine these days, make no mistake about that. I actually do have quite a lot of self-esteem, and I know what I want. But what I want isn't to allow anyone else to get close now, and to give them the opportunity to rip me to shreds again, and leave. I tried that, doesn't work for me.

I don't need you anymore. You've both done an outstanding job of proving to me just how little I was valued by either of you, ever. You've done a beautiful job of teaching me how to stand on my own, and how to take what I want, without feeling any need to give anything back now. Thanks for that. I guess I needed a wake up call. Maybe I should have learned sooner how to be a little more selfish.

Perhaps I should learn how to pretend to be a self-centered pampered little princess too, and then maybe *all* the boys will try to fall in love with me, and I can grind them under my heels like the women you two morons seem to want to chase after, and I can sit and laugh at you just like they do.