Monday, December 21, 2009

the mechanics of physical pain

There are times that I don't want to be touched, not even by my cat, because the pressure that he applies by climbing on me with his paws causes so much pain when he walks on me that it is very near to unbearable, and as a result, I push him away. It is not that I don't love my cat, because I do, very much, it's just that I don't want him to hurt me.

I have fibromyalgia, which is a disorder that causes pain and weakness of my nerves and muscles. I have rheumatoid arthritis, which makes my joints be inflamed and painful and sometimes makes it hard to breathe. Fun, huh? Sucks for my cat, and anyone else that happens to try to touch me, or hug me if I'm having a bad day, because it can cause a lot of pain for me, even if they aren't applying a whole lot of pressure. If they accidentally applied serious pressure? You can multiply the pain quotient by about a billion.

The trouble is that I don't *look* sick, or injured, or anything else that makes me stand out for it being dangerous to touch me. I walk with a cane only sometimes, and even then, I don't exactly use it as a weapon to keep people away, and unfortunately, a lot of people see a cane and think they should try to assist someone by grabbing their arm or whatever...and in my case, that causes more harm than good. *sigh*

And on some days, I'm perfectly fine, pressure-wise. You can shake my hand, hug me, and I don't even flinch. But there's no way to gauge that, and I'm not willing to tell people "today is a good or a bad day" every second of the day. My bones won't break, that isn't the problem, but for the people who actually spend a lot of time with me, it makes me sad when they forget routinely how very much pain simple things can cause, and how irritated they get at me, because I flinch away.

I don't mean to hurt someone's feelings, because I'm hurting. I really don't. But for me, it feels like someone is hitting my body with a hammer when they use me to push themselves up, or to try and help me up. Most of the time it hurts more than helps, and I don't quite no how to make anyone understand.

When I get a migraine that appears out of nowhere, and I have to hide from the lights, and take medications, I don't mean to be no fun. I don't mean to be always cold, and have joint pain. I don't want to be sick. I never asked for it, and I don't quite no how to make it any better, aside from what I'm doing. All the doctors can tell me is that I need to keep my stress to a minimum, avoid getting sick, take my medications, and keep doing what I'm doing. Nothing is said about how to improve my quality of life in any of that. Nobody says anything about how to make the pain stop long enough to be cuddled to feel better when people get mad when you flinch because it hurts.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Holidays

Last year, during the holidays last year, I was my general grinchy self. I bah-humbuged in everybody's direction, and didn't want anything to do with holiday cheer, and was just grouchy. That's generally how I am around the holidays, and I know it. Even now, I'm not exactly brimming with the holiday spirit, and am not going looking for Rudolph or anything, but I feel kind of like a jerk, as I read the messages that people I know who post things about how badly their lives are sucking, and I think about the fact that even last year, I didn't blame everyone else for the fact that I was pissy and alone. I was pissy about the holidays, but I wasn't blaming anyone for it. I'm *always* anti-Christmas, because I don't like the whole commercialism associated with it. But you can occasionally catch me humming a holiday tune, if you're around often enough.

I feel equally a jerk these days, because when I look around at my life...sure, there are still some things that aren't just brimming with sunshine and roses. Whose isn't? But on the whole? Everything that I was so damned miserable and wanted so badly to have? I have it now. Lock, stock, barrel...I believe the term is something along the lines of 'the whole caboodle' or some such garbage like that.

And I see other people who are unhappy, and I spend a lot of time trying *not* to emphasize the fact that I'm happy, because I don't want to rub anybody's nose in it. I remember wanting to smack people for what felt to me as though everybody else in the world got to be happy, and I was miserable, so what the hell? And while I *knew* that was crap, and didn't actually say or do things to that effect, it was still how it felt. And as a result, I just don't talk about how I'm doing, because it seems as though that would be somewhat crass.

But by the same token, I wasn't constantly sitting around talking about how miserable I was, and how unfair life was, constantly. And some of the people I know, they're doing precisely that. And that leaves me torn. Yes, the holidays, especially if you're alone, they suck. They really, really do. But you can't exactly expect for everyone to walk around on eggshells because you're unhappy, and cater to you, or blast them for attempting to cheer you up. When you do that, pretty soon you have no friends at all, which also sucks. There isn't really a good end result any way you look at it.

Woe is me only lasts so long, whining about it. At a certain point, you have to actually *do* something about it, because no one can actually do it for you. And everyone gets tired of hearing about it. You can *think* it all you like, but after a certain amount of time, you sort of have to suck it up, and deal. And around the holidays, you either need to fake it, or...you know, you just kind of have to fake it. There really aren't a lot of other options, because nobody really wants to listen to a huge list of complaints, especially if you've been singing the same tune for years.

Which probably makes me callous and cruel, or any other choice phrases. Nothing new there. And yes, I'm surely a hypocrite at the moment, because I *am* happy, and my life is full of joy or whatever, which actually isn't always the case, but I'm sure it looks that way to everybody else. But it's the case often enough for people to be jealous and to object to me telling anyone else to stop complaining about how bad their lives are.

The amusing part being, that the fact that I'm finally content with my life? It hasn't changed any of my other circumstances. My life is still hard, and I still don't spend all my time complaining about any of that, which is rarely taken into consideration by the peanut gallery when I point out that a lot of people have it a lot better and easier than I do, or ever will have.

I guess people should be grateful for what they have, and take a good long look at just what that is, before they sit around and complain about what they don't. That they should see how good they've got it, and how easy they've got, and be appreciative of those things, because I know very much how hard it can be, even though I don't spend all my time whining 'woe is me', because there's no point to it.

Happy Holidays. Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Merry Yule. Happy Saturnalia. I hope everyone had a good Bodhi Day. Shabe-Yalda.


Friday, November 20, 2009

I read a blog earlier tonight, about cheating in relationships, both having been the person who helped someone to cheat, and having been the person cheated on. A lot of the people who were commenting were discussing their various opinions about whether or not they would be party to assisting in someone else's infidelity.

It occurs to me that I've actually worn the shoes on both feet in that situation, even though I felt "vindicated" at the time, to get even for what had been done to me. Didn't make it right, didn't make it any more or less fair, it just made it what it was. As it happens, I don't think that I'd do it again, I'm not much in the way of helping someone break up a relationship.

I've been watching some other people recently, screw each other over, and the sheer amount of discourtesy and deceit involved in the infidelity involved turned me inside out. I just don't have the stomach for it anymore. As most people know, I'm a supporter of polyamory, and its ideals. But not as a means of cheating on ones partner or partners. Not as a way to have a free-for-all sex life, or a reason to go out and hurt people indiscriminately.

There has to be a basic core set of rules, and those rules that have been agreed up in advance can't be broken, or all the person who violates those agreements in the end is, is nothing better than a cheating bastard, or a cheating whore, and doesn't deserve any respect at all. Violating trust in that kind of an arrangement is almost worse than being cheated on by a regular partner, because you have to be completely trusting in a polyarmous relationship. And when that sort of trust gets broken, it can harm more than just one person, depending on how many partners you happen to be involved with, which can rapidly get very dangerous.

I don't know, and I guess I just don't understand. Even now, given that I am not a particularly trusting person in general, I'm not certain that I'd ever be able to take the leap of faith that it would require to have a normal relationship, much less one that would involve more than one other person and try to maintain it. You have to let someone in, all the way, and accept that they won't hurt you, and not be jealous, and be committed and not committed at the same time. Seems like a lot of work, with a lot of risk.

I'm pretty much just rambling right now, because it's late, and I've been sorting through sources for trying to work out an argument for constitutional rights for same-sex marriage, and rebuttal arguments, and it's more complicated than I was expecting it to be, because I want to do a good job, so it's giving me trouble. I should probably just go and let my brain idle for a while, but I can't seem to sleep, which always brings me to blogging, which is why all you poor people end up reading whatever I happen to be writing. Apologies if none of it makes sense.

I suppose it could be worse. I could be ranting about how much I hate someone, or writing morose poetry, or lamenting about how miserable I am...been a while since I did that...oh, wait. I still do all of those things, I just don't do them here :P

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

pink fleece and white bunnies

I haven't really written much of anything on here in a while, weeks really. Not because I don't have anything to say to anybody, but more because anytime I have something interesting to say, I decide I don't want to post it up on the internets, for everybody to read.

For a long time, I was absolutely uptight about who was reading my words, and wondering who was stalking me. I was paranoid in the extreme, and was constantly nervous and upset with the idea of who it might be, and why they were so interested in what I had to say, if anything.

For a long time, I spent months trying to get past and let go of the past, and get over how badly I was hurt, and move on with my life. And I actually finally did move on, and put my world...not back together. It was too shattered for that. But I built a new one, and I liked who I became. But it took me almost two years, to do that.

Recovering from being devastated takes time, and takes perseverance, and determination. It means not giving up, or giving in, or not being willing to giving anyone else including yourself the satisfaction of letting anyone seeing your fail.

I spent a lot of time crying, and a lot of time sitting alone attempting to make sense of the whys and the hows and trying to understand if there was a failing in me or if there was something I could have done to have made something have gone a different way.

In the end, I accepted that I hadn't done anything wrong, and that everything probably does happen for a reason, and I let it go, and I started to heal. There are still broken pieces inside of me. There always will be. Some wounds don't ever completely close, but you move on, and you deal with what has to be done. And I did, and I'm stronger for it.

I survived.

I'm proud of that. I'm proud of a lot of things about my life now, even knowing that there are a lot of imperfections about me still. I don't always make the choices that people who care about me would want me to. I'm alright with that. I'm doing the best I can, with what I have, and that has to be enough, even when people don't approve. I'm no longer seeking approval from anyone else but myself.

I know that I've been missing from my blog a lot lately, and I'm sorry for that, because I know a lot of you keep tabs on me here, wondering where I've been and what I've been doing. The truth is that where I've been is buried beneath homework, and sick for the last few weeks. I picked up a nasty flu, and haven't been able to shake it, and I've been feeling worse, then better, then worse again for weeks.

Phillip's been here pretty much nonstop, taking care of me while I cycle in and out, popping antibiotics, and hoping that it'll finally kick out of my system. Hope springs eternal, but at least I haven't landed in the hospital, which is a nice change of pace. Coughing crap out, and spewing green stuff sucks, I don't recommend it for anyone.

I'm working on a 12 page research paper for one of my classes, and starting the home stretch toward finals, wrapping up the fall semester for college, and looking toward spring, and lining up my little ducks in a row for next year, you know, the basic ongoing stuff.

I've got a series of Dr's appointments scheduled for the next couple of weeks as well, but there's not a lot new there, that's pretty common for me.

Oh, and last but definitely not least, my long-time best friend Danny became a Daddy on November 1, 2009. He has the most adorable little boy, so many congratulations and happiness to him and his girlfriend. I'd post pictures, but I don't do that kind of thing :P

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The defensive coping strategies of people who *need* to be right

One of life's biggest set-ups for being lonely is living with the erroneous belief that your way is the best way of doing things and insisting others agree with you. Some people seem to have taken a life course called, How To Be Absolutely Sure of Everything! It's like their reality testing mechanism is stuck on "It so because I think it is so." People who feel constantly threatened and angry when others question their actions substitute being right for living a happy life. Living daily always on the defense, being in charge of the rights and wrongs of the Universe, is no fun!

A system is two or more individuals who interact. A couple, a family, a neighborhood and our planet are all examples of systems. Systems can be put on a continuum from open to closed. In open systems, people talk and exchange ideas and feedback so the people stretch and grow. A closed system is one which keeps new information out to protect the status quo. Closed systems do not stretch because no new ideas are allowed in. The feedback loop continues the same way of thinking, precluding change and growth. The person who needs to be right all of the time is a closed system big time! He cannot allow his ideas to be challenged shuts down input from others. People in closed systems are rarely happy. Unfortunately, the need to be right is accompanied with a rigid stance and anger. Others distance from them and they cannot experience intimacy and connection. They cannot understand why their partner is so angry with them--their rationale is that the partner should just change! They do not want to be confused with facts when their mind is made up!

The ego always acts to preserve the sense of well-being and sets up defenses to avoid feeling fragmented. Turning the problem around and blaming the other person is a defense that reduces inner tension. Putting the problem outside of one's self brings up more feelings of self righteousness. The unwanted parts of the self are projected outward on others as an ego defense against internal feeling of anxiety that conflict brings up. In severe cases, reality is distorted, aspects of memory forgotten and fantasy created. The person assumes that others are out to do them in. Defenses protect the person's sense of well being. Defenses keep the pseudo self-worth that has been built on self-righteous beliefs from plummeting.

People who must defend their rightness are often preoccupied with imagined shortcomings of others and perceived attacks form them. They often feel betrayed by others. They justify their criticizing and blaming others to avoid the insight that they themselves might be in error. They fear losing power and will use anger to keep others from asserting themselves. Life becomes miserable for the family because it is fear and control based.

It's part of being human to want to have our way. We all have a touch of the need to be right and control others. We all have areas of self-righteousness where we believe that we know better than others. To the extent that this need to be right and resulting defensiveness permeates one's life, the less connected you will be with others. It's sad, but true, the more of you have of the following characteristics of rigidity of thought, the more anger and disapproval you will get from others:

_____ An insatiable need to be right which masks a deep fear of being wrong
_____ A high need to expect others to see it your way
_____ An inability to say, "I don't know." and "I was wrong."
_____ Feeling threatened when new ideas come from other people
_____ Fear of hearing new information that threatens your beliefs
_____ Fear of letting go; need to be in control of self at all times
_____ Preoccupation with winning approval from others
_____ The need to always be seen as tough, powerful and strong
_____ Pride at always being rational and logical
_____ Uncomfortable with expressing sensitive feelings
_____ Shame and fear of being vulnerable and insecure
_____ Fear and severe discomfort about having bad feelings
_____ Believe that others who disagree with you are wrong and should "just get over it"
_____ Use charm, anger, withdrawal or blaming to settle arguments


The need to be right, as a defense in life, can be broken into IF you are willing to observe yourself and catch yourself in the act of being adamant and inflexible. Being willing to own the behavior and then forgive yourself for doing it WILL boost you to a higher level of consciousness. Breaking into rigidity will give you an increase in personal power. Instead of having power over others, you develop a power over yourself. This is real self-esteem!

Being inflexible can continue because you have not known how to break the pattern or you do not want to give up being in control. Ask yourself, "Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Do I want to get my way or do I want to feel closeness with others? Am I willing to balance my logical, left brain with my intuitive, feeling right brain to make me a well-rounded person?" Check each unhealthy coping behavior from the list below that contributes to your closed mindedness and rigidity of thinking:


_____ Braced yourself and constricted your energies to avoid invasion from another person's words or actions
_____ Thought "You can't tell me what to do and I don't have to listen" when a parent or teacher corrected you
_____ Felt overly proud at being rational and logical at the expense of being intuitive and experiencing feelings
_____ Needed be seen as tough, powerful and strong
_____ Decided that your ideas were better than others so shut their opinions off
_____ Became angry when you expected others to see things your way and agree with you and they didn't
_____ Felt embarrassed about admitting and saying"I don't know." and "I was wrong."to yourself and others
_____ Felt threatened when you feared you were wrong
_____ Judged others harshly when they disagreed with you
_____ Became overwhelmed when information presented was too much to process
_____ Felt threatened when new ideas came from someone else
_____ Feared hearing about new information that threatened your beliefs
_____ Feared letting go of control of a task to someone else
_____ Devalued the sensitivity and feelings of others
_____ Felt uncomfortable with your expressing sensitive feelings
_____ Felt discomfort about having bad feelings
_____ Felt entitled in doing what you had to do to get others to go along with you
_____ Decided that someone who disagreed with you should "just get over it"
_____ Used smiling and charm insincerely to get win another person to your point of view
_____ Started blaming and putting the other person down to settle the argument
_____ Feared the anxiety and feeling fragmented when there was disagreement
_____ Felt satisfied and pleased because you manipulated someone to get your way
_____ Overrode the boundaries that someone else was trying to set
_____ Refused to see the problem from the other person's perspective
_____ Responded with sarcasm instead of trying to solve the problem
_____ Decided that the issue didn't affect you and assumed it did not affect others
_____ Argued your point of view in thoughts or words and refused to hear the alternate argument
_____ Badgered and intimidated someone to shut him down
_____ Became agitated and stubbornly attached when your ideas were attacked
_____ Became irritated at an assumption of the other person and stopped listening
_____ Minimized the importance of a personal problem you were being confronted with
_____ Refuse to deal with a problem because you thought it was temporary
_____ Refused to ask for help on a hard problem and decided you needed to do it all yourself
_____ Refused to ask for help on a task because you were embarrassed


What we all want down deep when we strip away the defenses of control is to be loved. We want to feel safe. We want to be heard and understood. The fear of losing control and resulting hostility is always a sign of needing the experience of deeply being loved but not knowing how to get it. Alas, anger to get what you want is a cry for love being armed with tools for war.

A whole set of tools are needed to help deal with feelings in building a whole, healthy human being. You become more secure and are less upset as you understand that things don't always have go the way you want. Life becomes less threatening as you understand that feelings are only feelings and uncomfortable states of emotions can be endured and regulated. Learning to deal with vulnerable feelings will help you become a more well-rounded individual, going from "I need to be right" to "I choose to be a real person, uncomfortable feelings and all." As a wise woman said, "We are as happy as we are able to be responsible for our own feelings and behavior." The superior man or woman is always open to consider that there may be another reality other than the one that they see through the lens of their life. Putting down the tools of war and picking up the tools of communication, conflict resolution, connection and commitment can create a life that produces long lasting love.

As you get more in touch with your feelings, you can learn to deal appropriately with things that upset you. You don' have to be afraid of feelings. Feelings are only feelings. They are meant to be felt. They come and go. Face the fear of feeling bad. Uncomfortable feelings need not be feared. The best thing to do with uncomfortable feelings is to just watch them and then learn from them.

As you develop your intuitive, creative side, you complement your logical, rational side making you a full- functioning human being. You stop using charm, anger and intimidation with those you care about. You open the way so that others feel comfortable in approaching you to talk.

As you learn to deal with anxious feelings that challenges by others brings up, you become more self sufficient. You can learn to self-soothe that uncomfortableness instead of reacting to others with defensiveness and anger. You can learn to substitute feeling good about finding an area of yourself where you can grow instead of becoming anxious and resorting to old needs to prove that you are right.

Ask yourself, "Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?" As you relinquish self centeredness and look to the needs of those around you, you develop intimacy and connectedness.

As you dismiss the belief of "I have to be need to be safe through having it my way," you have more self understanding. Life becomes an exercise in taking responsibility for your part in conflict. Conflict is seen as an opportunity for growth. Self-esteem increases when you face a deep fear that you might be wrong and work it through.

As you release your need to only see things in the way that you have seen them before, you open up new possibilities. Rigidity of thought fosters predictability which does help keep anxiety at bay. With new stress management tools to deal with anxiety and uncertainty, life becomes more exciting. Choices and alternatives increase--there will be more adventures in your life.

As you let go of your need to control others, you have more energy to spend on things that are really important. It is a heavy, consuming job to be in charge of everything! You actually become more powerful when you learn to share the power! Life is more fun when you no longer are in charge of making things right in the world!

As you learn skills of safely expressing anger and ways resolve frustration, anger and grudges, your self esteem soars. Anger skills can be studied and learned just as any other task or subject. Take an anger management or conflict resolution course to learn constructive ways to deal with anger.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic Personality Disorder – The Disease

You must come to terms with the simple fact that people who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder really are suffering. They suffer from lack of self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth, but they portray the image of secure, confident people. NPD is a disease that begins in childhood and spreads to adulthood. It is like a malignant cancer. It grows over time, and sadly there is no cure. Studies show that there is currently no successful therapy for this disease - not counseling, not medications, nothing.

The ideal victim in the world of a narcissist is a damaged person - someone with low self-esteem, co-dependant, a broken soul. If there is a chink in your own armor, a character flaw of any sort, a neediness of any kind, you will be a prime target for a narcissist.

If the narcissist cannot immediately find a weakness in you, they will be consumed with looking for weaknesses and flaws in you or even in creating them. They feed on this preoccupation, and they cannot accept that there is anyone on this earth who is more important than they are. Narcissists are thoughtless people who live exclusively for their own benefit. Their outward image is amazingly cunning, even charming, and often heroic. But when you become better acquainted with them, it becomes clear that there is always an ulterior motive to what they do. It’s all a charade. They will give of themselves only if there is something to be gained for their own ego. They have a very distorted image of themselves and can see no flaws. You will likely never get any admission of imperfection or weakness, nor will there ever be any kind of legitimate apology for anything. If you can manage to force an admission of imperfection from a narcissist, it will only be a lie. They will have a selfish reason for their false admissions. It will have nothing to do with your needs. They will use their “apology” only as a stepping stone to something else which will satisfy another need they have.

Narcissists are empty shells who give the appearance of caring people. They have no true emotions, no empathy or sympathy whatsoever, yet they may tell you what you want to hear. In order to have feel genuine emotions, there must be a core self.

Narcissists do not have a true self or this self is so wounded that it is terrified of being discovered. It was ripped away from them as children and never had a chance to develop. Narcissists are left with the emotional maturity of a six year old. They seldom if ever cry. They consider it to be weak. They are prone to fits of rage and adult tantrums if they do not get what they want. Most people with NPD do not do well in team sports. They will choose golf over football since they can stand out from the crowd playing golf. Narcissists do not respond well to authority, and have a difficult time working for someone else. They must be their own boss. There is far less competition this way, and it is easier for the narcissist to be a big fish in a little pond rather than be a little fish in a big pond.

For narcissists there are no repercussions or accountability for their actions. Narcissists will take no responsibility for anything unless it is for their benefit. They will often abuse authority, if given to them, to manipulate situations in their favor. The most important thought to a narcissist is: “How will this help me?” or “How will this make me look?”

Narcissistic Personality Disorder – The Roles

Inevitably there are people in our lives who we are forced to deal with who suffer from NPD. Those with whom do not have to maintain a close relationship with you are far better off without. Remember YOU have choices.

Life Partners, Spouses, Significant Others - One word. LEAVE. You cannot be loved by people who cannot love themselves. Contrary to popular belief, narcissists do not love themselves. They loathe their true selves. It is only the image of their false self they love, and they think and expect everyone else should as well.

Other relationships- Limit contact. If you have a relative, friend, neighbor who exhibits signs of narcissistic personality disorder, do not get involved with them if at all possible. Be gracious and courteous, but do not allow them to play any role of importance in your life. People with NPD will suck the life right out of you.


Narcissistic Personality Disorder – The Boundaries

In order to prevent emotional damage from being involved with a narcissist, you must establish firm boundaries. Realize you are not a doormat, and do not EVER under any circumstances accommodate their bad behavior. The more you enable these people, the more they will feed on you. You will become nothing more than add to their feeble grandiosity.

Share your accomplishments only with those people who truly appreciate you. Don’t bother to share them with someone who will only tell you that you should have done better, or could have done more. Do not put yourself in the harsh light of their judgment. You cannot impress a narcissist, nor can you please them. If you must share your shining moments with people who will diminish your joy, do it sparingly. When the back-handed insult arrives, and it will, simply say, “Thank you for sharing your opinion.” Then walk away. Do not say another word. That’s all a narcissist can offer - their distorted opinion. How YOU feel about your accomplishments is the only thing that truly counts. You are not on this earth to please other people, or to live up to anyone else’s standards or expectations except your own.

Your instincts are your armor. Use them. Trust them. When you are asked to do something that does not feel right to you or is not something you would do independently, don’t do it. Remember that narcissists must have all the control all the time.


They fail to see that each individual in this world is the master of his or her own destiny. Narcissists believe they are the masters of everyone’s destiny. They live for control, and are not capable of compromise or negotiation. It is their way or the highway. The best advice is to get on the highway, and put the pedal to the metal.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder – Fighting Back (if you must)

Document EVERYTHING. If you find yourself in a situation where you are attacked as the scapegoat for the narcissist, reply with concrete evidence to the contrary. When you can prove them wrong, they will reel emotionally, withdraw, or explode in a rage. This will expose them as the unbalanced people that they truly are. They cannot face the reality of being wrong or being even being corrected. It is very confusing for them.

Narcissists do not appreciate being laughed at. You may notice they are not capable of self-deprecating humor. They are deathly afraid of people laughing at them since this contradicts the perfect image of themselves. In fact, narcissists do not laugh much at all. If they do laugh, it will usually be at someone else’s expense.

Narcissists love looking in the mirror at the illusion of themselves they have created. Sadly, what they do not realize is that what they see in the mirror is false because they have no true “self.” If you ask narcissists what it is about themselves that they love, they are hard pressed to give answers other than superficial ones. There is usually nothing of substance in their answers.

Conclusion

The best advice to someone whose life has been affected by narcissistic personality disorder is to GETOUT. Whatever it takes, GETOUT. If you think you are suffering or hurting now, it will only get worse. Narcissists cannot change. Here are some tips to help you leave.

- Dump the self-blame. It’s not your fault.
- Forget the guilt. You could never have saved him anyway.
- Cry your eyes out. Really let the tears flow. It’s cleansing and healing.
- Let him go. He was never worth it.
- Stand tall. You were the one who was too good for him.
- Smile. Inner peace will come sooner than you think.

You must come to the conclusion that, “It is NOT you.” It never was, it isn’t, and it never will be. For a narcissist, it’s all about them, just as it always will be.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

When everything sucks and I cry and I like the neat feeling of being high

How's that for a title for tonight? And truth be told, I kind of do like this interesting light-headed buzzed feeling that's going on in my head lately. If this is what 'high' feels like, I sort of understand now why people pursue that. My old anti-depressant never did this, and so this is rather an interesting feeling, and I like it.

Not so much with the feeling before I started taking this one. The 'everything sucks and I kept crying' feeling. Not because anyone was making me particularly miserable. Let's face it, my cat looking at me funny was kind of making me cry on some days. If the cups were on the wrong counters, or a book was not lined up correctly, it was heartbreaking. Not so much with the emotional stability there.

I'm sure a lot of people have seen the advertisements on the television "Depression Hurts"? Well, it truly does. Physically in addition to emotionally. Everything just aches, and it drains all of the energy out of your body, and it kind of feels as though life just seems to not be worth living. No point in getting out of bed, and sleep just seems so much more appealing than *anything* else. And you can be angry or irritable, if someone tries to pull you out of that depression, because it's hard to want to do anything, except hide, and facing the world becomes more and more difficult.

Minor problems start to seem huge, and facing anything just seems insurmountable. Sometimes the idea of trying to decide what to eat is too much, and that's enough to send you into hiding.

https://www.google.com/health/ref/Major+depression

Overview

Major depression is when a person has five or more symptoms of depression for at least 2 weeks. These symptoms include feeling sad, hopeless, worthless, or pessimistic. In addition, people with major depression often have behavior changes, such as new eating and sleeping patterns.

Symptoms

* Agitation, restlessness, and irritability
* Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss
* Extreme difficulty concentrating
* Fatigue and lack of energy
* Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
* Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and inappropriate guilt
* Inactivity and withdrawal from usual activities, a loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed (such as sex)
* Thoughts of death or suicide
* Trouble sleeping or excessive sleeping

Depression can appear as anger and discouragement, rather than as feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. If depression is very severe, there may also be psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations and delusions. These symptoms may focus on themes of guilt, inadequacy, or disease.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression/complete-index.shtml
For resources on depression, because there are many types, and many ways to treat it. But the simple fact is that major depression isn't just going to go away on its own. You aren't going to just wake up one morning, and have everything be sunshine and happiness again. It takes work, it takes help, it takes *accepting* help. All the hoping in the world sometimes just isn't enough, and taking the first step, and accepting that there's a problem can *literally* be a lifesaver.

Not to sound like an after-school special, but if you know someone who shows the signs of major depression, care enough to notice, and speak up, and to encourage them to seek treatment. The consequences can be catastrophic if left to continue down a very slippery slope.

The simple fact is that it only takes people to remain silent, for something to go wrong, and for people to think that nobody cares. Instead of being the person who looks around, and thinks "Oh, you know, he/she's such a good person for helping (insert whoever's name here), be the person you think that about. Be what you want to see in the world.

The Psychopath, Sociopath, or Socialized Psychopath - The Social Bully

Source: http://chericola57.tripod.com/infinite.html

THE PSYCHOPATH NEXT DOOR


Psychopath. We hear the word and images of Bernardo, Manson and Dahmer pop into our heads; no doubt Ted Bundy too. But they're the bottom of the barrel -- most of the two million psychopaths in North America aren't murderers. They're our friends, lovers and co-workers. They're outgoing and persuasive, dazzling you with charm and flattery. Often you aren't even aware they've taken you for a ride -- until it's too late.

Psychopaths exhibit a Jekyll and Hyde personality. "They play a part so they can get what they want," says Dr. Sheila Willson, a Toronto psychologist who has helped victims of psychopaths. The guy who showers a woman with excessive attention is much more capable of getting her to lend him money, and to put up with him when he strays. The new employee who gains her co-workers' trust has more access to their chequebooks. And so on. Psychopaths have no conscience and their only goal is self-gratification. Many of us have been their victims -- at work, through friendships or relationships -- and not one of us can say, "a psychopath could never fool me."

Think you can spot one? Think again. In general, psychopaths aren't the product of broken homes or the casualties of a materialistic society. Rather they come from all walks of life and there is little evidence that their upbringing affects them. Elements of a psychopath's personality first become evident at a very early age, due to biological or genetic factors. Explains Michael Seto, a psychologist at the Centre for Addiction and Mental health in Toronto, by the time that a person hits their late teens, the disorder is almost certainly permanent. Although many clinicians use the terms psychopath and sociopath interchangeably, writes psychopath expert Robert Hare on his book 'Without Conscience', a sociopath's criminal behavior is shaped by social forces and is the result of a dysfunctional environment.

Psychopaths have only a shallow range of emotions and lack guilt, says Hare. They often see themselves as victims, and lack remorse or the ability to empathize with others. "Psychopaths play on the fact that most of us are trusting and forgiving people," adds Seto. The warning signs are always there; it's just difficult to see them because once we trust someone, the friendship becomes a blinder.

Even lovers get taken for a ride by psychopaths. For a psychopath, a romantic relationship is just another opportunity to find a trusting partner who will buy into the lies. It's primarily why a psychopath rarely stays in a relationship for the long term, and often is involved with three or four partners at once, says Willson. To a psychopath, everything about a relationship is a game. Willson refers to the movie 'Sliding Doors' to illustrate her point. In the film, the main character comes home early after just having been fired from her job. Only moments ago, her boyfriend has let another woman out the front door. But in a matter of minutes he is the attentive and concerned boyfriend, taking her out to dinner and devoting the entire night to comforting her. All the while he's planning to leave the next day on a trip with the other woman.

The boyfriend displays typical psychopathic characteristics because he falsely displays deep emotion toward the relationship, says Willson. In reality, he's less concerned with his girlfriend's depression than with making sure she's clueless about the other woman's existence. In the romance department, psychopaths have an ability to gain your affection quickly, disarming you with words, intriguing you with grandiose plans. If they cheat you'll forgive them, and one day when they've gone too far, they'll leave you with a broken heart (and an empty wallet). By then they'll have a new player for their game.

The problem with their game is that we don't often play by their rules. Where we might occasionally tell a white lie, a psychopath's lying is compulsive. Most of us experience some degree of guilt about lying, preventing us from exhibiting such behavior on a regular basis. "Psychopaths don't discriminate who it is they lie to or cheat," says Seto. "There's no distinction between friend, family and sucker."

No one wants to be the sucker, so how do we prevent ourselves from becoming close friends or getting into a relationship with a psychopath? It's really almost impossible, say Seto and Willson. Unfortunately, laments Seto, one way is to become more suspicious and less trusting of others. Our tendency is to forgive when we catch a loved one in a lie. "Psychopaths play on this fact," he says. "However, I'm certainly not advocating a world where if someone lies once or twice, you never speak to them again." What you can do is look at how often someone lies and how they react when caught. Psychopaths will lie over and over again, and where other people would sincerely apologize, a psychopath may apologize but won't stop.

Psychopaths also tend to switch jobs as frequently as they switch partners, mainly because they don't have the qualities to maintain a job for the long haul. Their performance is generally erratic, with chronic absences, misuse of company resources and failed commitments. Often they aren't even qualified for the job and use fake credentials to get it. Seto talks of a patient who would get marketing jobs based on his image; he was a presentable and charming man who layered his conversations with educational and occupational references. But it became evident that the man hadn't a clue what he was talking about, and was unable to hold down a job.

How do you make sure you don't get fooled when you're hiring someone to baby-sit your child or for any other job? Hire based on reputation and not image, says Willson. Check references thoroughly. Psychopaths tend to give vague and inconsistent replies. Of course the best way to solve this problem would be to cure psychopaths of their 'illness.' But there's no recipe for treating them, say psychiatrists. Today's traditional methods of psychotherapy (psychoanalysis, group and one-on-one therapy) and drug treatments have failed. Therapy is more likely to work when an individual admits there's a problem and wants to change. The common problem with psychopaths, says Sets, "Is they don't see a problem with their behavior."

Psychopaths don't seek therapy willingly, says Seto. Rather, they're pushed into it by a desperate relative or by a court order. To a psychopath, a therapist is just one more person who must be conned, and the psychopath plays the part right until the therapist is convinced of his or her 'rehabilitation.'

Even though we can't treat psychopaths effectively with therapy, it doesn't mean we can't protect ourselves, writes Hare. Willson agrees, citing the most important factor in keeping psychopaths at bay is to know your vulnerabilities. We need to "realize our own potential and maximize our strengths" so that our insecurities don't overcome us. Because, she says, a psychopath is a chameleon who becomes "an image of what you haven't done for yourself." Over time, she says, "their appearance of perfection will begin to crack," but by that time you will have been emotionally and perhaps financially scathed. There comes a time when you realize there's no point in searching for answers; the only thing is to move on.

Taken in part from MW -- By Caroline Konrad -- September 1999

THE MALIGNANT PERSONALITY:

These people are mentally ill and extremely dangerous! The following precautions will help to protect you from the destructive acts of which they are capable.

First, to recognize them, keep the following guidelines in mind.

(1) They are habitual liars. They seem incapable of either knowing or telling the truth about anything.

(2) They are egotistical to the point of narcissism. They really believe they are set apart from the rest of humanity by some special grace.

(3) They scapegoat; they are incapable of either having the insight or willingness to accept responsibility for anything they do. Whatever the problem, it is always someone else's fault.

(4) They are remorselessly vindictive when thwarted or exposed.

(5) Genuine religious, moral, or other values play no part in their lives. They have no empathy for others and are capable of violence. Under older psychological terminology, they fall into the category of psychopath or sociopath, but unlike the typical psychopath, their behavior is masked by a superficial social facade.

If you have come into conflict with such a person or persons, do the following immediately!

(1) Notify your friends and relatives of what has happened.

Do not be vague. Name names, and specify dates and circumstances. Identify witnesses if possible and provide supporting documentation if any is available.

(2) Inform the police. The police will do nothing with this information except to keep it on file, since they are powerless to act until a crime has been committed. Unfortunately, that often is usually too late for the victim. Nevertheless, place the information in their hands.

Obviously, if you are assaulted or threatened before witnesses, you can get a restraining order, but those are palliative at best.

(3) Local law enforcement agencies are usually under pressure if wealthy or politically powerful individuals are involved, so include state and federal agencies as well and tell the locals that you have. In my own experience, one agency that can help in a pinch is the Criminal Investigation Division of the Internal Revenue Service or (in Canada) Victims Services at your local police unit. It is not easy to think of the IRS as a potential friend, but a Swedish study showed that malignant types (the Swedes called them bullies) usually commit some felony or other by the age of twenty. If the family is wealthy, the fact may never come to light, but many felonies involve tax evasion, and in such cases, the IRS is interested indeed. If large amounts of money are involved, the IRS may solve all your problems for you. For obvious reasons the Drug Enforcement Agency may also be an appropriate agency to approach. The FBI is an important agency to contact, because although the FBI does not have jurisdiction over murder or assault, if informed, they do have an active interest in any other law enforcement agencies that do not follow through with an honest investigation and prosecution should a murder occur. Civil rights are involved at that point. No local crooked lawyer, judge, or corrupt police official wants to be within a country mile if that comes to light! It is in such cases that wealthy psychopaths discover just how firm the "friends" they count on to cover up for them really are! Even some of the drug cartel biggies will scuttle for cover if someone picks up the brick their thugs hide under. Exposure is bad for business.

(4) Make sure that several of your friends have the information in the event something happens to you. That way, an appropriate investigation will follow if you are harmed. Don't tell other people who has the information, because then something bad could happen to them as well. Instruct friends to take such an incident to the newspapers and other media.

If you are dealing with someone who has considerable money, you must realize that they probably won't try to harm you themselves, they will contract with someone to make the hit. The malignant type is a coward and will not expose himself or herself to personal danger if he or she can avoid it.

Profile of the Sociopath

This summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.


* Glibness and Superficial Charm

* Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

* Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

* Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

* Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

* Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

* Incapacity for Love

* Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

* Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

* Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

* Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

* Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

* Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

* Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

* Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

Other Related Qualities:

1. Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
2. Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
3. Authoritarian
4. Secretive
5. Paranoid
6. Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
7. Conventional appearance
8. Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
9. Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
10. Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
11. Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
12. Incapable of real human attachment to another
13. Unable to feel remorse or guilt
14. Extreme narcissism and grandiose
15. May state readily that their goal is to rule the world


(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)


NOTE: In the 1830's this disorder was called "moral insanity." By 1900 it was changed to "psychopathic personality." More recently it has been termed "antisocial personality disorder" in the DSM-III and DSM-IV. Some critics have complained that, in the attempt to rely only on 'objective' criteria, the DSM has broadened the concept to include too many individuals. The APD category includes people who commit illegal, immoral or self-serving acts for a variety of reasons and are not necessarily psychopaths.


DSM-IV Definition

Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture. There is a marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules. Individuals with this disorder are sometimes called psychopaths or sociopaths.

Diagnostic Criteria (DSM-IV)

1. Since the age of fifteen there has been a disregard for and violation of the rights of others, those rights considered normal by the local culture, as indicated by at least three of the following:
A. Repeated acts that could lead to arrest.
B. Conning for pleasure or profit, repeated lying, or the use of aliases.
C. Failure to plan ahead or being impulsive.
D. Repeated assaults on others.
E. Reckless when it comes to their or others safety.
F. Poor work behavior or failure to honor financial obligations.
G. Rationalizing the pain they inflict on others.

2. At least eighteen years in age.

3. Evidence of a Conduct Disorder, with its onset before the age of fifteen.

4. Symptoms not due to another mental disorder.


Antisocial Personality Disorder Overview
(Written by Derek Wood, RN, BSN, PhD Candidate)

Antisocial Personality Disorder results in what is commonly known as a Sociopath. The criteria for this disorder require an ongoing disregard for the rights of others, since the age of 15 years. Some examples of this disregard are reckless disregard for the safety of themselves or others, failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors, deceitfulness such as repeated lying or deceit for personal profit or pleasure, and lack of remorse for actions that hurt other people in any way. Additionally, they must have evidenced a Conduct Disorder before the age of 15 years, and must be at least 18 years old to receive this diagnosis.

People with this disorder appear to be charming at times, and make relationships, but to them, these are relationships in name only. They are ended whenever necessary or when it suits them, and the relationships are without depth or meaning, including marriages. They seem to have an innate ability to find the weakness in people, and are ready to use these weaknesses to their own ends through deceit, manipulation, or intimidation, and gain pleasure from doing so.

They appear to be incapable of any true emotions, from love to shame to guilt. They are quick to anger, but just as quick to let it go, without holding grudges. No matter what emotion they state they have, it has no bearing on their future actions or attitudes.

They rarely are able to have jobs that last for any length of time, as they become easily bored, instead needing constant change. They live for the moment, forgetting the past, and not planning the future, not thinking ahead what consequences their actions will have. They want immediate rewards and gratification. There currently is no form of psychotherapy that works with those with antisocial personality disorder, as those with this disorder have no desire to change themselves, which is a prerequisite. No medication is available either. The only treatment is the prevention of the disorder in the early stages, when a child first begins to show the symptoms of conduct disorder.


The Socialized Psychopath or Sociopath

Also known as the corporate psychopath, workplace psychopath, industrial psychopath and administrative psychopath.

Motivation: power, gratification, personal gain, survival
Mindset: manipulation, deception, evil
Malice: high to very high; when held accountable, off the scale

* Jekyll & Hyde personality
* always charming and beguilingly plausible, especially to those who are capable of protecting or enhancing the sociopath's position
* excels at deception (this must never be underestimated, but always is)
* excels at evasion of accountability
* is extremely and successfully manipulative of people's perceptions and emotions (eg guilt and anger)
* silver-tongued, has an extreme verbal facility and can outwit anybody (including a top barrister) in verbal conflict
* will often engineer himself or herself into a position of authority as gatekeeper of the organization and thus the person through whom all information must flow, and the person to whom all requests for services must be referred - which he or she then takes delight in denying
* is adept at offering weak and inadequate people the positions of power, control, security, influence or respect that they crave but who lack the necessary competencies to achieve - such people are unaware that their consequent dependence on the sociopath makes them permanent manipulatees, pawns and expendable agents of harassment
* identifies those essential to the sociopath's survival and manipulates their perceptions them by making them feel special and thus obligated to reciprocate with support and protection
* manipulates others into making fools of themselves in situations where they cannot back down or from which they cannot withdraw - these people become increasingly susceptible to further manipulation and are then trapped as pawns in the sociopath's game
* is likely to be surrounded by people who, having been subjected to control, manipulation and punishment by the sociopath, look wretched and who start to exhibit behavior best described as disordered, dysfunctional, sullen, aggressive, defensive, hostile, retaliatory, counterproductive or cult-like and for whom disbelief, disavowal and denial are instinctive responses
* creates an environment where levels of denial are so great that those involved are oblivious of the foolishness and self-evident absurdity of their denials when presented with the facts, with the result that non-involved observers are led to question whether such levels of denial merit psychiatric intervention
* is contemptuous of disrepute to their organization and of collateral damage and of the destructive consequences for all direct and indirect parties
* is always surrounded by and leaves behind a trail of dysfunctional organizations, destroyed businesses, ruined careers, stress breakdowns and unexplained suicides
* despite a trail of devastation to individuals, organizations, families and communities, the actions of a socialized psychopath may go undetected or unrecognized for years
* a history of conducting frivolous, vexatious and malicious legal actions, especially (but not exclusively) against anyone who can recognize the sociopath for what he is
* only after the sociopath is exposed and relieved of position, or they move on, can the full depth of their destructive behavior be fathomed and the consequences calculated
* is skilled at identifying, undermining, discrediting, neutralizing and destroying anyone who can see through the sociopath's mask of sanity
* at all times restricts the actions and rights of others (especially those holding the sociopath accountable) whilst aggressively protecting his or her right to do anything without being hampered by social norms or legal requirements
* pursues endless vindictive vendettas against anyone perceived as a threat or who attempts, knowingly or unknowingly, to identify or reveal or expose the sociopath, or who makes efforts to hold the sociopath accountable
* is adept at appropriating rules, regulations, procedures and law to manipulate, control and punish accusers regardless of relevance, logic, facts or consequences
* persists in and pursues vindictive vendettas using self-evidently false evidence or information, even after this is brought to the attention of the sociopath
* will often manipulate minor bullies of the Wannabe type (who on their own might or would not merit the label 'serial bully') into acting as agents of harassment and as unwitting or unwilling conductors of vendettas
* is adept at placing people in situations where the sociopath can tap into each person's instinctive urge to retaliate in order to use them as his or her instruments or agents of harassment
* gains gratification from provoking others into engaging in adversarial conflict
* once conflict has been initiated, the sociopath gains increased gratification by exploiting human beings' instinctive need to retaliate - this is achieved by encouraging and escalating peoples' adversarial conflicts into mutually assured destruction
* revels in the gratification gained from seeing or causing other people's distress
* when faced with accountability or unwelcome attention which might lead to others discerning the sociopath's true nature, responds with repeated and escalating attempts to control, manipulate and punish
* is adept at reflecting all accusations and attempts at accountability back onto their accusers
* is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise pool negative information about the sociopath
* has no limits on his or her vindictiveness
* the need to control, manipulate and punish develops into an obsession with many of the hallmarks of an addiction
* is skilled at mimicry and can plausibly and spontaneously regurgitate all the latest management jargon
* exhibits minimal professional skill level and competency
* exploits his or her intelligence to excel at talentless mediocrity
* is always identifying the behaviors and strategies to which other people respond with the desired effect
* is able to anticipate and credibly say what people want to hear
* is easily able to win people over before betraying them or deceiving them or ripping them off
* easily manipulates and bewitches an immature or naive or vulnerable or emotionally needy person to be their spokesperson or agent of aggression
* exploits anyone who has a vulnerability
* is pushy and extremely persuasive
* is sexually inadequate and sexually abusive
* is likely to protect anyone accused of or suspected of sexual abuse of pedophile activity, and will frustrate or obstruct investigations into that person
* maybe associating with, or actively involved in, abuse or pedophile activity
* has no emotions, no emotional processing capability and no ability to understand other's emotions
* is incapable of understanding, initiating or sustaining intimacy
* the male sociopath has often convinced a string of women to feel they are in love with him and despite being treated abominably they blindly continue to be loyal to him and minister willingly to his every demand
* may start projects with apparent enthusiasm and energy but quickly loses interest
* frequently takes unnecessary and uncalculated risks but takes no account of consequences
* is reckless and untrustworthy with money
* is likely to be illegally diverting or siphoning off significant sums of money to his or her own budget, project, account or cause
* is unreliable and untrustworthy in every facet of life
* is likely to be leaking confidential information or secrets to third parties
* is likely to have committed or be committing criminal or near-criminal offences, eg fraud, embezzlement, deception
* is likely to have committed or be committing breaches of harassment and discrimination law, employment law, contract law, etc
* disregards rules, regulations, Health and Safety requirements, professional standards, codes of conduct and legal requirements, etc
* cannot comprehend the deeper semantic meaning of language and is thus unable to understand or appreciate metaphor, hyperbole, irony, satire etc (these elicit either zero response or a hostile response)
* likes, seeks, enjoys and relies on procedure, ritual and ritualistic practices
* through arrogant overconfidence takes increasingly risky chances and eventually overplays their hand or makes a mistake which leads to the sociopath revealing him or herself
* exhibits parasitical behavior, takes everything and gives nothing
* grabs headline credit for minimal, flukey or other peoples' success whilst surviving off the backs of manipulatees who are exclusively blamed for all failures
* rarely blinks, may have staring scary eyes that cut right through you, or may avoid eye contact completely
* is callous, cold and calculating
* is devious, clever and cunning
* is ruthless in the extreme
* regards people as objects and playthings to be discarded when surplus to requirements
* displays zero empathy
* completely without conscience, remorse and guilt
* malicious and evil

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Incredibly delighted

It was brought to my attention, and I'm not sure who it is that originally linked it, but I appreciate it greatly, that my "sociopathic tendencies" blog was picked up somewhere, and brought in heavy traffic, and as a result the keyword search put me at the #5 spot on Google.

Obviously, I'm thrilled. I guess I ought to put together more interesting or useful blogs more often, if somebody was linking me from somewhere big enough to bump me high up on the Google-meter.

*wanders off feeling quite content and pleased*

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

On posting by "Invitation Only" blogspots

As someone who is a long-time poster here on Blogspot, and who has a fairly healthy following, and who pisses a *lot* of people off with my writing, and by my mere fact of being alive and breathing a good portion of the time, I'm going to sit and write this evening about 'Invitation Only' blogging.

For those who are joining us for the first time this evening, I don't pull punches on my blog here. I write about a whole variety of things, and I've actually covered topics that range from my how it feels to be a brain cancer survivor, to sociopaths, to how it feels to be an overweight woman in a thin society, and everything in between.

This place truly spans all things, depending on my mood. I locked it down, one time, due to a legal issue at the request of the local police department, and that only lasted about a week before I decided that I wasn't willing to be silenced by the idea of petty threats, when *someone else* was threatening me. I'm a firm believer in the right to free speech, and I admit that I say some completely snotty things on here from time to time.

This is my venting spot, and the place I feel free to express anything I damned well choose. But I have that freedom, and I find it somewhat sad, to see "Invitation Only" blogs, when they were once public.

I truly don't have a problem when someone starts a private blog, and it has always *been* a private blog. That makes perfect sense to me, as I have one of those myself. But when someone switches from one medium to the other, it shows that they're in some fashion ashamed of what they're writing, or that they fear what others think of them, and I find that sad.

Everyone who has enough confidence to post to the internet, and write things here, especially if they were already known and public, should have enough confidence in themselves to *continue* to be known as that public figure. Going into hiding because you're ashamed, or because you feel a need to hide something you're saying shows that you have two faces, and I find that to be pathetic.

Because I do write so publicly, and so many people see what I have to say, I have no respect for others who don't show the same honorable attitude I display.

I might be a complete bitch, but I'm honest about it. Everything I have to say about someone, is right there in front of them, displayed on these pages. There's no secret handshake that is necessary to access my words.

There is no "Invitation Only" here.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

A near miss

I almost crashed the Thunderbird. My legs went numb while I was driving home yesterday, and my already screwy depth perception got about 10 times worse, and I almost cracked the car up. Yes, obviously, I'm fine. I wasn't then, and by the time I actually got it parked safely into the stall, and got myself into the house, I just wanted to sit quietly and have a nice little emotional breakdown. Which is why none of you got phone calls.
And as I don't really want to be yelled at, or lectured (and I was *FINE* when I left the house, or I wouldn't have LEFT the house), and the medications that was causing the problem has now been abruptly stopped, such things should no longer be an issue.

Although my skin looks atrocious. I gather about 95% of people can safely take Plaquenil, without side effects. It would appear that I'm not one of those 95%. So what else is new? Rest assured that I'm not in any big hurry to be 'treated' for my RA just now in any form, since all that being 'treated' for it has done is completely thrash my skin, make me violently ill, and cause me to nearly wreck my car. Oh, and make my already pain-filled joint pain *worse* instead of better. Gee, thanks. Let me try "treating" it so it can "improve" my life a little more. Not in any rush to do that.

I've actually been more and more and more exhausted physically recently. And not just tired, but actually weak. Just trying to get the pitcher of water out of the refrigerator and pouring a glass sometimes is enough to make me want to take a nap, and that bothers me. I'm not certain what's changed, that's causing me to be getting so much weaker physically.

I forced myself today, to use the trampoline, and it took a while before I finally started to get a bit of energy. And I at least feel awake instead of wanting to go and crawl into bed to take yet another nap. I'm still physically tired, but my mind is less foggy than it's been in a while. So I figure I'll force myself into the daily exercise and see if it improves. *tips a hat in Sissy's direction for the suggestion*

There has been a lot of bad going around lately. People's lives are coming apart at the seams, or so it would appear. People whose lives I'm not actively involved in, but that I used to know. I still notice what goes on around me, and I still acknowledge when things suck. I don't wish harm on anyone, even from a distance.

A lot of people have passed on recently, and there's been a lot of pain and a lot of loss. It strikes me as peculiar that in the midst of all of that loss, instead of everyone clinging to each other, sometimes we push each other away. It's almost as though when we hurt the most, that's the time that we choose to inflict more. To...prove something? To make certain that nobody asks anything extra from us? I don't know.

I know that when I'm feeling uncertain and frightened and angry, I strike out at the people I want and love most. Counter-productive, I know. Utterly stupid. But I figure nobody can hurt me more than I can hurt myself, and if I leave first, no one can leave me. I won't give anyone the opportunity. Yay for therapy, which has taught me quite a lot over the years. I don't always do the stupid thing anymore, but I did that a lot, for a very long time.

I'm probably rambling, so everyone can take whatever I might have to say with a grain of salt, or they can find wisdom where they may.

I'm not particularly full of wisdom. No one ever listens to my advice. They ask for it, but no one actually heeds it. And then they come back later, and want to know why something went horribly wrong, and ask what they could have done to prevent such catastrophe? Honestly, I've sort of gotten to the point of just shrugging and patting people on the head and letting them say/think/do anything they like, because I tend to believe no one is really listening to whatever is coming out of my mouth anyway. They're mostly talking to me so they can hear themselves speak, and the occasionally word that filters through that I say confuses them.

I suspect we're both better off that way. Perhaps I'll test the theory sometime, and say what I'm truly thinking, and see if anyone actually notices the difference between my editing politically correct statements, the ones I'm using these days, and my actual thoughts, and see if they notice that I've changed what I'm saying most of the time. That might be fun. Of course, if someone actually is listening, I suppose people might stop speaking to me...then again, that being the case, if they get that mad, oh, hell with it. I think I'm getting a headache.

I'm going to go make a pot of tea, and start working on my Psychology assignment. Sadly, that will probably less confusing than my current line of reasoning. I'd rather debate Psych theory.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

...and so it continues...

It isn't supposed to be like this, you see...things are supposed to be so much better now. And I want to cry, because they're not, and it seems so unfair, because they aren't perfect. My shiny, happy, easy time only lasted what seemed to have been such a brief moment. I knew I was playing the odds, I did. But waking up in the morning, full of energy and life, it was *so easy*, and it made me hope against hope that maybe it would continue to be that way.

I felt so alive, and so *good*. The sun didn't hurt me. Most of the major pain, it wasn't there. I kept hoping that was going to be normal...That maybe *I* was finally going to be normal.

I guess nothing lasts forever, huh?

They've diagnosed me, at long last, with Rheumatoid Arthritis, which isn't altogether surprising, when you figure in lupus and fibromyalgia. The lupus, as it turns out is very nearly completely in remission. But I'm going to be playing a round robin of new medications, and it's making me sick again. Plaquenil, which I've already started and is making me both dizzy and nauseous around the clock. Flexeril, which is making me sleepy as all hell, and I don't like at all. They want me on Methotrexate, which is a cancer/chemotherapy medication and if I can't talk the doctor out of it will simply make me yet more nauseous I'm sure, and since my Topamax already makes my birth control unstable, Methotrexate is incredibly dangerous for me to take. Methotrexate causes both birth defects and/or spontaneous abortion in women. It's *not* a good drug for any woman who is fertile to be on, which is why my neurologist doesn't want me taking it, but the rheumatologist knows that he's put patients on that mix before with no problems. My instinct tells me all his patients who take the mix have been either past child-bearing age, or male. In both those cases, it wouldn't be a problem...*sigh*.

And the really sad part is, because of all the stress, I just get more and more tired and more depressed day by day. All I want to do is sleep, and not have to deal with any of it. And I'd been feeling so good, and now I just want to give up again. Why can't I just wake up one morning, half the size I am now, and healthy? Is that too much to ask, to be normal, and healthy?

I got into it about my weight with someone recently, because his 'opinion' was that it should be pretty simple. I have two options as he sees it. I can either eat less, and exercise more, that's pretty simple, right? Or I can go and have the weight loss surgery, and take care of my problem that way. Either way would solve my problem.

The trouble is that I actually do eat pretty healthy, and I do exercise. Yes, I could probably do a little more than I do, but overall? I do not spend my days laying on my bed eating ice cream and potato chips, and drinking Pepsi, while having someone hand me junk food and watching soap operas. I get up and get what I want to eat, and I exercise. I take care of myself.

So I fear, greatly, that if I have weight loss surgery...what if it doesn't work, because I actually *am* already eating healthy, and it won't do me any good? If it cuts my calories down, but because I've already *done* that, it isn't going to do that awesome result that so many heavy people get? Then what? I've let someone do surgery on me, for no end result?

And being told by someone who doesn't actually have a weight problem, *and* who hasn't got physical restrictions limiting him from doing more exercise, and who can eat anything he wants, and does, majorly hurt me. Because it made me feel awful, about myself, and about everything I've done to get to where I am now. And as someone who couldn't walk from the living room to the car, I know what a major fucking deal it is, the fact that I can walk to anywhere I want to go. I might not get there very fast, but I can get there.

I own two canes, and I actually still *need* to use them, sometimes. They aren't here for decoration, or as toys because I just want them for my personal entertainment. That's what 'disabled' means. It means that it sucks to be me, and I have to cope with that, even when it isn't convenient. It means that some days, I'm going to be dizzy, and unbalanced, and whether I like it or not? Whether I'm heavy or skinny? I'm still going to need a cane. Because that's just how it is.

And I wonder sometimes, if he thinks that my losing weight is some kind of choice, and that if I really wanted to, I could just...write out a little plan, and hang it on the wall, and follow it, and it would just fall into line. That weight loss works that way, in some kind of "I want it this way, and if I would just have enough determination, then I'd be thin" sort of reasoning.

If it was that simple, I'd weigh about a hundred and fifteen pounds. I have determination in spades, what I don't have is a body that cooperates, and actually does what it seems as though it would logically do, in spite of what I put in, or take out, or exercise, or anything else. I can eat 600 calories a day. I can eat 2600 calories a day. I can, and have, followed x, y, z diets, to the letter, and the end result is still the same, every time. My weight doesn't move. I just don't know why :(

And now I'm more depressed than I was when I started writing this. I was rather hoping that the process of writing it was going to make me feel somewhat better, for working it out in my head, but it doesn't seem to have. So I'm going to go, and work on my never-ending homework, and then read a novel, where make-believe people solve make-believe problems, in some other world, that isn't mine, until I fall asleep.

Goodnight, internets. I hope that someone, somewhere is having a better night than I am.

Friday, September 18, 2009

respect for the people who have been lost and acknowleding the loss for a friend

I am so sorry, and no amount of words or sympathy will make it better. A prince among men, and a loss to many.

*silence and respect for the memory of*

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I don't understand it when adults are selfish and immature to the point of ruining others' happiness. Perhaps I truly have removed myself from the rest of 'society', that I just stand/sit around and observe a lot of the time, instead of participating actively, and because I observe, I just don't understand how people can do so much harm to each other.

How can anyone be so narcissistic as to not notice the misery on someone else's face, the complete unhappiness radiating off of a person they're supposed to love? And it's an ongoing thing, not just a one-time event, which is part of what's disturbing me.

Reminds me of the smile now, cry later masks that I used to see, because if I ask, everyone swears that everyone is happy, and things will get better, of course they will. Just a little glitch, and everything is great, just needs a little work, and some time, and a little adjustment.

The trouble with 'a little work, some adjustment', and things of that nature? When you're building something new, if all the adjustments are one side? What you're building is just going to fall down. You can't make everything be happy, and you can't force everything to work, and correct all the little glitches yourself. It takes everyone working together to make things better.

It's a lesson I had to learn the hard way, that you can't force someone to be happy, when they're not. You can't make someone love you, who doesn't, and you can't turn someone into something that they just aren't. No matter how hard you try, and no matter what you do, people are just going to be who they are. It's a sad but true fact. You accept them, all of them, and not while wearing rose-colored glasses. You take them as they are, faults, limitations, flaws and all, or you don't take them. And you don't try to change them, or it just won't work. And if the person you think they are, and want them to be, isn't the person you want? Then, ultimately, you have to let them go, without hate and without malice, because that's just the way it has to work.

You cannot build a foundation on something that isn't real, because the cracks will keep splintering underneath you, and you can't patch holes forever. Fights, and facades kind of drains the life of a person, over time, no matter how hard someone tries. Nobody is that strong.

And I wonder, when the people who blithely drift through life, doing only what they want for themselves, and leaving wreckage and carnage in their wake, I wonder about the people they've destroyed. I wonder about the people who've been left by the wayside, or the ones who are still being damaged, and if they realize that walking away is a viable solution. I wonder at the sadness and the anger, what will come from that, over time? You can only abuse people so much, before revenge and havoc attempts to pay back for a lifetime of neglect and disinterest, or worse. The seeds of that kind of damage can be dark, indeed. And I wonder, if anyone ever thinks about that?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

...testing, testing...is this thing even on?

Yeah, it's on. I haven't fallen into a chasm, and gotten trapped down at the bottom, although I'm sure it appears that way sometimes to those of you who I never talk to anymore. And that's an awful lot of people. I'm working on that, sorry about the lack of communication, I've been a combination of busy and exhausted. Today is what, Wednesday? Yes, it must be, I just got home, after spending the entire day either in doctor's offices, getting lab work done, or picking up new prescriptions from the new doctors.

I admit it, I'm...hopeful? The new guy seems incredibly competent, in addition to being very nice, and very willing to explain things to me, so that I grasp what it is that he's doing whatever he's doing. Downside? Mountains of lab work, and what I can already tell is probably going to be the round-robin game of MRI's in the near future. But as long as it's for a good cause, I'll deal with it.

Competency in the medical field goes a long way with me, and this gentleman certainly seems to know his shit. It's been quite a while since I sat down and had a conversation with a medical professional who I didn't need to educate on my various problems, and instead, who already knew what was wrong with me, and had suggestions on how to fix them. I'm feeling rather upbeat as a result.

But they took a lot of blood today, and I was incredibly stupid, and didn't think to eat before I left the house, nor did I think to take food with me, so I was woozy as hell after that blood draw, and now I feel kind of, no, incredibly run down. And I'm not sure how I'm going to react to the new stuff, but I'll give it a chance, because anything is better than the way I've been going on.

In other events, I'm looking forward to the paper I'll be researching for my crim class this week, it sounded interesting when I saw the assignment. I'll probably put it together either tomorrow, or Friday afternoon/evening, and tweak it Saturday before I turn it on Sunday. The child development/psychology assignment is also due this weekend, and I plan to put that together tomorrow, after I take C.A. to her appointment. She's nervous, and I want to be there for her.

If J's free Friday, there will be Angel, and if not, I'll do the fine tuning on the crim assignment. That's how that works. Either way, there won't be homework tonight, because I have other plans for myself tonight. I'm already too run down to try and focus for school, and I require cuddles and attention and love. And a shower.

I always want a freaking shower after the vampires at the lab take all my blood away. Not sure why, but I always feel all yucky and dirty, and want a shower. Weird. And I'm freezing cold, and want nothing more than to curl up under a blanket with someone who has a lot of body heat that I can steal. I suspect dinner will be something very fancy, like hot soup, and sandwiches. Right now, Ezz is laying on my lap, trying to keep me warm. He's such a good boy.

Maybe he'll come back to my lap after I get out of the shower. Mmm...maybe I'll make hot chocolate? That suddenly sounds incredibly good. Nummy hot chocolate and a warm kitteh and my warm blanket and a book, or maybe a movie. Hmm. I have earplugs in, to escape the evil that is the gardeners, since I have a headache, and I don't want to hear them.

So that's what I did today, I went and got jabbed with needles, made plans to do homework, and cuddled my kitteh. In a little while, my source of warmth and loves will get back home, and I will snuggle with him, so I should go and shower, so that I can cuddle on him and be all clean and not feel icky.

And away I go...g'night internets.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

--a noteworthy aside--

Don't follow me to try and be like me, because there's not really a reason. Don't base your self-worth on what I'm doing. What I do, or don't, or choose to do shouldn't have any impact on anyone's life but my own. I'm sorry when my choices hurt someone else, I truly am, but I've long since stopped doing anything based on whether or not it's going to impact anyone else's life, and other people should do the same.

Whether I write something, update something, edit something, make things visible or not has nothing to do with anything that's visible to the general population of the internet. It's just not as a general rule. There are some days that I change out something, just because I decided that I wanted to match the background of my text editor to my new hair color, or what color shoes I have on. It's often just as random as that, and as thoughtless.

I know that, frequently, I get calls and emails because people think that what I'm writing is in direct relation to something having to do with them. Or that they've been locked out of something, or that I'm upset with someone. The truth is, I probably heard something on the news, read it on a blog, or saw something in a cloud that made me think a weird thought, and it ended up online, or made me want to switch out a setting, and there's no reason to think it had anything to do with anyone.

Imitation is not the most sincere form of flattery. It's more of a lack of being able to think of anything original for yourself. *sigh* I should know, I'm usually the person who thinks up something first, and then looks around and realizes a lot of people are now imitating me, and wanting to be like me, and I then stop doing something I was enjoying, because I don't *like* sycophants, and mindless drones who want to orbit around me trying to be like me. I'm sure other people enjoy having an entourage, but I'm not one of them. I don't *want* the spotlight, I don't *want* to be the center of attention. I never did, it just sort of was a side effect of what I'm told is an overwhelming personality.

I used to claim that I just don't see it, the effect I have on people, that I'm oblivious to it. But the truth is that I'm aware now, that people are drawn to me. But I'm not asking for that, and I don't crave it. I'm aware that it's there, but I'm not going seeking the attention. A lot of people hate me for it. Mostly women, the ones who want the spotlight, and the attention and who want to have those admirers. I've learned finally to accept and deal with that.

I was told recently that there can only be one "queen" in a group of people, and that's true. But I have no desire to be that "queen". I'm just here, and if people want to attempt to follow my lead, I can't prevent that. But I'm very tired of being imitated, and extremely exhausted by the amount of vitriol spewed in my direction by the people who want that attention, and the followers who I guess decided they liked me, or whatever it is that I'm doing. The people who can't share a spotlight, and as a result spend their time bashing me, and trying to tear me down to make themselves look better. In the long run, it doesn't do any real damage to me, because I've learned that I'm a good enough person that the lies jealous people spread tend to twist in on themselves, and people still like me. But in the short term? It's a pain in my ass.

I'm not sure why it is that people want to base their self-esteem on how many people like them anyhow, but I more or less accept that there are people like that. I'm not out to collect friends, and hold a popularity contest. I simply don't care enough to bother. I have my circle, and my circle is secure. I like the people I like, and they're good enough judges of character that they don't really need to have a popularity contest either. But while trying to join in 'regular' groups, and hanging out at random events, it becomes tedious. Which is why I rarely bother. It feels like high school, and ridiculous. At my age, who needs the aggravation?

--sun rise, sun set--

Time passes, even when no one is paying any attention. It just keeps rolling right on by. It's almost September, will be in a couple more days. This is the third week of school for me, took and bombed a test, although I aced a couple of others, so it's balancing out. Been writing papers, and more papers, and yet more papers. Accidentally took a course that's a short class, without realizing it, which explains why I feel like I'm drowning in assignments of writing as it turns out.

The classwork is, for the most part, interesting when it's not being so overwhelming that I kind of want to scream. And that's okay too. I'm used to that. It looks like I'm finally going to get some help in here, to take the pressure off with a lot of other things around the house, so I'm not stressed out about so many other things, and that will help. With my attention divided so many ways, and constantly worrying about things that I shouldn't need to worry about, so I can actually focus on my studying, that will smooth out, at least inside of my head with regard to my education.

Next semester, I'll start studying sign language in depth. By the time I'm finished, I *should* end up completely fluent in it, and with the ability to translate for others, in addition to being able to use it for my personal use. And that makes me happy. I'm sort of, at the back of my mind, wondering if it might be worthwhile to teach it. That keeps coming and going as a passing thought though.

In my personal life, as much of it as I'm willing to actually discuss on the intarwebs? Things are...yeah,they're actually going so well it's truly disgusting. There are some days that I'm half-tempted to float little balloons, and hang streamers, and gloat a little. Granted, it's not always sunny, because, well, nothing's perfect, and that would be ridiculous to hope for. But overall? I took a huge risk two months ago, and it paid off, in spades. And I'm happy. I wasn't sure I would be, and I'm still insecure sometimes, but those insecurities are my own, and I'm well-loved and I know it. And when I don't know it? All I need to do now is say that to get the reassurances that I need. Well, at least I do when I'm not being stubborn about not saying anything. And no one can do anything about my stubborn streak. And fairly regularly, I don't even need to say anything to get reassured. It's kind of nice.

Maybe we'll graduate from college like normal people, and ride off on horseback into the sunset, and live happily ever after, you know? And do the things that happy people do, and be happy. My instinct tells me that it's in our best interest to do it far, far from where we currently live, but hey, that might just be because I don't like the town I live in. *shrug*

So, yeah, that would be what's going on in my life. Things are going on, the way things do, and my grades are good, and my bills are getting paid, well, some of them at any rate. And I'm in a secure, committed relationship with someone I love, and I more often than not don't want to kill him, or me, and my cat is happy and healthy, and I should be getting my car fixed eventually. The world continues to turn, and the sun rises and sets.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

just another brick in the wall

It's strange to me to look at something, and recognize it for what it is. I've been reading a story recently, and it's a good one, the writing is decent, the storyline is interesting and all. But it's still depressing to read. Because I can recognize it for what it is, and always have been able to. Anyone who is familiar with the author would recognize it for what it is. I suppose that might actually be what makes a good author, the ability to take the dreams you want most, and put them down on paper. Something that could be publishable to the masses. Unless of course that you're living in some place where that fiction is real. That might actually be dangerous. Not sure. Either way, it's an interesting story.

At any rate. School's back in session, and I'm swamped again. I think I might have taken a little too much onto my plate, although that might smooth out a bit once I get into a routine. I so desperately hate the 'introduce yourself and come up with banal things to say to the other students for the first week of class along with writing whatever the actual assignments are' bullshit.

I need to go and get a fix-it ticket signed off at DMV, and run down to the courthouse to pay it, and then that'll be done. There are a few other errands I'm supposed to be doing right now, but what I'm doing is writing this, because I needed to take a slight break from the normal patter that's been my life for the last week and a half, and decompress. I also need to check my mail.

Oh...I'm not sure how many students read my blog, but for those who do, if you're still buying textbooks in the traditional fashion, I'm using a new service, renting them for the semester...it saved me several hundred dollars this semester by doing it this way. Check it out: www.chegg.com is a place that both rents out the textbooks, which you can buy if you decide you like or want to keep them, and they plant trees for using the service. It's pretty neat. And, bonus, a crapload of money saved. And since I'm spending a shitload of money on books, as anyone who's in college can attest on books, it's a good thing to check out. My public service announcement for the day or something.

I'm kind of feeling run ragged, which is why this is so snarky. I got a new printer, as Phillip gave me one, which was massively helpful, so I didn't end up needing to shell out a couple hundred dollars, and it does all the bells and whistles things that I needed a printer to do. It's pretty nice. I have my computer working in tandem with my television so I can watch things streaming from it, since Danny set me up to do that, and I've been rather enjoying that when I have spare time. I've made a few new friends, and have actually *gasp* gone out to a couple of parties and barbecues over the last month or so. But really though, for the people who have been sending comments asking if I'm doing alright, yes, I am.

I've been tired, and I've been offline because I've been busy, but I'm doing okay. I took up a couple of new hobbies, I've been busy with school and my boyfriend, and things are doing alright. I've been mostly happy, with the occasional bouts of depression because my medications have been being tinkered with, and I've had to cope with the side effects that come with that. Other than that, all is well. But I appreciate the concern.

There are a few people that I miss from my life that aren't here. And there are some people who are gone now that I'm kind of glad are gone, because my life is easier without them in it. All in all? Things are just kind of moving along, the way things do. I hope everyone out there in the internet world is doing well too. I hope they have the things they need, and are happy and healthy.

Laterz, internets.