Monday, November 26, 2007

Times passed

A few days ago, a few years ago.

Where do I even start? Of course I'm not that girl, that impetuous, irrational, angry girl that I was when I was twenty. How could I be? It's been a decade since that time, and even I mellow to a certain extent with that much time passing. But I don't suppose that it's just that. I was so very young. Not that I thought I was young then. Of course not. I thought I knew everything then. Who doesn't, at that age? I thought I was invincible. I was young and wild and free. It was so recent, the freedom from my parents' house. And I was still so angry. I was angry at everything, it seemed. Not that I ever said that, not out loud. But it was in my actions. I never took anyone's advice, even if I should have. And I would always strike first, to hurt, to harm, to insure that no one could hurt me.

I felt I had been hurt enough. If you were going to leave me, it would be on my terms. If you didn't love me, I didn't care anyhow, so it wouldn't matter. Be my plaything, nothing more. I loved nothing and no one. It was such bullshit. All of it, such a lie. And so few people even knew it. That bravado served me well. Serves me well.

And I'm tired of it. Tired of the pain. Tired of a mask of not showing anything. And it's become my default expression. It isn't even a mask anymore, it simply is who I am. Even when I want to cry, I sometimes can't now. For the tears to come, the pain has to be so completely overwhelming that I can't take anymore, and then it crushes me. And I can't breathe.

Perhaps I do have value. Perhaps my value is in the fact that I survived. That I looked around, and once I got through everything, and I finally managed to stand again, I helped others. Whether I value me for myself, perhaps the value is there just the same. Because after that time when I was twenty, when I was so horrible, and I did so much damage. After I was damaged so badly through my youth. I did come out the other side, and in doing so, I did for others what I had wished someone could have done for me. And I did that for a long, long time.

Even now, I still look around, and I do for others what I would wish would be done for me. I do for small ones what I would automatically wish and hope someone would do for my daughter, if she were in any given situation. At some point, I realized that what I am, and what I became at some point was a person who tends to treat others the way I wish I was treated, even when that isn't necessarily the case.

I can be spiteful sometimes still. But these days, it tends to be more of a thought about being spiteful, rather than an actual action. Something I sit and ponder, not something I *do*. And then I go back to reality. I could be that person again, I suppose. The person who could and did hurt the people around me, because it kept me safe from anyone being able to injure me. But I don't want to. I'd rather deal with the pain myself, than inflict it on anyone else.

I'm stronger than that, now. I don't need to hurt anyone else. Let them hurt themselves. I can deal on my own now.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Secret word of the week

This week's word of the week is "indelible".

Easy Sunday Morning

I started this a post with this title over a week ago, and never finished it. I got sidetracked, and then couldn't get my words to line up in the correct order to suit me, so I just never finished the original thought.

My words are still not entirely cooperating with me. But I figure I might as well make the attempt. And since it's once again Sunday morning, here I am again. It's the wee hours of Sunday, to be sure, but Sunday it most certainly is.

So what's an easy Sunday morning? It's lying in bed, watching a movie with someone you love. Doing the Sunday crossword if you happen to be into that type of thing. Cooking breakfast, or eating bagels. Drinking coffee. Cuddling with the one you care about, or just sitting and reading books together. Playing a video game.

Spending time together, doing whatever makes you happy. Being happy. Easy Sunday morning.

Right now, for me? It means sitting here, with a computer on my lap blogging, watching somebody sleep, because it makes me happy.

It's something different for everyone, I'm sure. And that's okay, because nothing is ever the same for every person. And that's how it should be. We're all different, and our differences make us who we are.

So go out, have your Sunday mornings, and enjoy them. Take time to look around you, and savor the small things. A cup of coffee. Hug somebody you love. Tell a small one that they're important. Play a board game. Spend fifteen minutes coloring in a coloring book with your kids. Whatever it is that will make you happy for a small part of the day. That's it.

That's my bit for the day.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Things to be thankful for

I don't generally bother with this, because the Thanksgiving holiday is not my favorite of holidays. Well, to be fair, I don't much like holidays to begin with. But I'm making an exception this year, because I actually have things to be thankful for this year.

And for that reason, here's my Thanksgiving blog.

This has been a long year for me, with several ups and downs. Danny and I have split up, and it's a permanent split, though we're remaining friends in the end. Seven years is a long time for us to have been together, and ending things is harder than I thought it would be. It's for the best, and I'm glad that we'll still be friends. I love him, but it was the right decision for both of us.

I lost several friends this year, and it hurt me, badly, the loss of them. Losing people I care about hurts me, even if it isn't visible to others. I tend to not let anyone see that pain, because I don't like anyone to see weakness in me.

I am extremely grateful that I have my daughter back and close enough to see as often as I wish, and that she and I are as close as we are. She is the sunshine and light and laughter for me, and I love her. She is the best thing that ever happened to me and for me.

I'm grateful and thankful for my Dad, who I have, finally. My mom finally did it right, and married him. Yay, Mom! All jokes aside, it made me happy, having two parents finally under one roof, and knowing that there's a home somewhere I can go if I need to, no matter what. And he tells me that, all the time. My Dad is the awesome. I love you Dad.

My life probably seems like it's a mass of chaos to the outside observer, and sometimes it really can be, but for the most part, I like my life.

I have some people back in my life right now who I have missed for a very long time, and who have made me happy, and I am content. I am loved, I love, and things are peaceful for me. I have waited a long time for this, to be complete.

And this peace isn't brought by someone else, it starts and finishes with me. The other people in my life add to it, but at the base, it begins and ends with me. I talked to someone about that recently, the fact that my happiness can't be based on someone else, it has to begin with me. I can't base happiness on an external source, it has to begin with being happy with myself first, and I finally am beginning to grasp that concept.

So I'm thankful this year, for what I've learned, and for finally being able to be happy. For being myself. For the people who love me, and for the people I love. I'm grateful for my life, and the people who helped me get here.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

I shouldn't love you. I should just make it all stop, cauterize the wound and walk away. I've done it before. It took time, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I did it, and I survived. And it made me strong. Stronger than I would have otherwise been. Strong enough to survive what came after. Strong enough to survive what I needed to be able to get through, and to become who I am now.

And I kind of like who I am now. Dependable, loyal. I'm a good person now, even though I don't always admit to it. And some of those traits are directly related to what I learned from you, from the innocence you shared with me. I learned a lot of things from you. I learned some instinctively, and some I learned by being exposed to you as a type of person I had absolutely no experience with.

You changed me. Being with you changed me. And that's okay, because they were changes I needed. I was always strong. Emotionally strong. I handled everything, because I had to. I still am, at the base, that person. The strong one. But it was tempered, because of what I learned from you. Something inside of me was somewhat gentled, calmed. I don't have to damage others now with my strength. I don't need to be everything for everyone, I just need to be strong enough for me. Strong enough to take care of me, and the people who are important to me.

But while I want you, and while I need you, I know that to love you is dangerous. Love is dangerous for me. Loving you could be dangerous for me. Detrimental? Possibly. I am not like you when I love. Or perhaps it's that I am frightened that I might be like you now. I wasn't like you. I was distanced in my love for people. In my love for you. I was several steps apart. I cared, I loved you, but it was a thing separate. It didn't touch me visibly the way it should have. I was disconnected, and safe behind my walls. I am disconnected much of the time, from the things that affect most people. I stand apart, watching, and observing things around me, without the emotional barrage. How interesting that must be, is generally how I see it.

So here I sit, conflicted and confused. Because I just don't know what the hell I want to be doing anymore. And even when I think I know, it changes with almost every breath. The only time I *know* doesn't even make sense anymore. Because it's a complete clusterfuck of inconsistency. I want you. I need you. I need to hold you. I need to have you hold me. I need to talk to you. See you. Laugh with you. But then I need to have you leave, because I need space to sort through things. And without that space, I feel like I'll go insane, because after a certain amount of time, I just can't breathe anymore. My head is spinning and I'm dizzy with it. I need to push you away. I'm broken and I don't know why.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Secret word of the week

It's Sunday again...the weeks are passing quickly lately for me, or so it seems. And so we're back around to another new word of the week. And this week I need to choose another.

What should the word for this week be?

This week, we shall have:

"Zeitgeist"

Because that seems to be what I feel right now...You can look it up, if it doesn't immediate ring bells for you.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I am not like them

I am myself. No one else. Each person can be no one but themselves, correct? And as such, I can be no one but me. And I am not like them. Do not judge the way I will respond by the way you've been treated. And please don't think that I will do to you as they have done.

I am not them.

I am sad today. There is a vast emptiness inside of me because I feel as though I have failed and should somehow be giving more than I am. Should be supplying something that I'm not. Helping somehow in a way that I'm not, and I do not know how to give or do more than I already am. This is my failing, and I know not how to overcome it. I hold your face in my hands, and I am complete in that moment. But you are not, and I don't know how to help you. I am, briefly, whole again, and it is a feeling I wish you could share. Even for a moment, that feeling of being complete is wonderful.

Would I leave, if things change? No, not for anything. I would fight with everything I have to keep you a part of my life, in any way necessary. You are important to me. It pains me that I never explained that to you. It breaks my heart that I don't have the words for you to make it clear easily. You matter. *YOU* matter. You can take away the other things, and it's you who matters, not the other things. I can live without those things. But I need you in my life. That matters to me, and I would fight to keep you as a part of it. Will fight for it, if it came to that. I won't lose you again.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Secret word of the week

This week's secret word of the week is "ashamed".

Monday, November 5, 2007

The greatest love

I wonder about that. I wonder about a lot of things. What makes someone love? Why do you love someone? Why love, instead of friendship? Why love instead of lust? Why a bond instead of attraction? What's the basis for the differences?

What causes the differences in how people feel? Not that I have the answers, by any stretch of the imagination. I can't even differentiate in the feelings in myself, much less make the distinctions for anybody else. But I've been thinking about it lately.

And I'd mentioned that I wanted to blog about it, so here I am.

I am apathetic about most things, a great deal of the time. I feel loyalty very strongly, but it's not for a great many people. I was talking to an acquaintance of mine last night, and I referenced a friend of mine, who is intensely loyal to me, who I am equally loyal to in return. And he was surprised to hear of this loyalty, because it wasn't something he associated with her. And I can't think of her in any other terms.

I love her, unquestionably. She is loyal to me, without qualm. I wouldn't want to be the poor soul who has the bad sense to badmouth me in her presence. I know I pity the poor idiot who badmouths her in *my* presence. And it's a good feeling. And while I occasionally have sexual feelings for women, there is absolutely no attraction for this female. I love her to pieces. But it's a completely platonic love. Which brings me around to the various types of love, and how to feel them.

I don't quite understand what makes people, and me in particular, tick. Especially where emotions are involved. Because I am so detached so much of the time, it's very odd for me to try and line up feelings, so I can understand how I'm supposed to be feeling at any given moment.

I have discovered recently that I see things in a very black and white fashion, and that a lot of society does not agree with my black and white view. Grey areas don't sit well with me. Hypocrisy does not sit well with me.

I do what I say I am going to do, and I act the way I say I am going to act. I am what I present to the world, and take it or leave it, I am who I claim to be. I am fast coming to the conclusion that this is not the case for the majority of people. And that disappoints me. And it leaves me with a very difficult way of functioning around people who say one thing and do another.

It also leaves me at a loss for being able to trust people who say they love me. It's very hard for me to trust anyone in general. It's becoming harder for me now to trust anyone whose actions and words don't match. And it's nothing personal. It's just that I'm having a lot of trouble recently, adjusting to all the changes that have been takig place, and so I don't quite know how to handle the things that are going on around me. And par for the course, my normal response is to simply step back and watch until things settle around me, and then make a decision.

I'm not in any great rush to make uninformed decisions. I have no pressing need to make changes without knowing all of where things lay, so I can just drift. Too many people are in too great a rush, whereas I am generally content to let things be. When the dust settles, I'll still be here. And then I'll figure out what I want to do.

Wow, that was somewhat off topic. Well, not entirely. Back to how people categorize things.

I have a friend named (censored), who I absolutely love to pieces. He is teh awesome, and I can talk to him and know he understands me. I don't have to think about what I'm saying to him, and I know that no matter what I say, he doesn't judge me, and that he will keep my secrets, and he loves me. I *know* this. And I can flirt with him. And he flirts back. And he is the bestest thing ever. And if I called and needed someone's shoulder to cry on, or somewhere to run to, I could both cry on him, or run to him, and he would be right there. Because he's (censored), and that's what he does, and who he is for me. And yet, there is absolutely no kind of underlying 'bone jumping' urge between the two of us. A long time ago, we were both accused of having that kind of involvement. That was seven years ago. Neither one of us is still involved with the people who accused us of that. And yet the two of us are still extremely good, close friends. Go figure. He also gives teh most bestest of hugs. Yay!

But in spite of all those things, it never occurred to me to try and find a romantic attachment with (censored). That spark just wasn't there. And I don't know why. He's a wonderful man. He's smart, he's attractive, he's well-spoken. He's got all of the qualities I find attractive in a man, and yet. It's just not there.

Which leaves me curious about what it is that causes two people to end up as lovers rather than friends. What is it that makes it so that you can have emotional bonds instead of physical ones? Why can you be with some people and not keep your hands off each other? And others you can have meetings of the mind, but no inclination at all to have grope-fest 2007?

Ahh, I give up. If anybody has any insight here, I'm all ears. Opinions? Advice? Just random babble, please post here!

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Never say never

Music is an interesting thing for me. It has associations in my memory, and I never really think about it until something triggers a memory. It isn't always necessarily the words to a song, sometimes it's the background beat. Sometimes it's the words. Sometimes it's something as simple as a snippet of rhythm. It varies depending on my mood. I'm fairly random that way.

I can be listening to something, and place it with "Wow, that was (insert year here)". And that will trigger a memory for me, and with my faulty memory, that can be helpful or painful, depending on what's going on at the time.

I wonder if other people have that same issue? Where music is tied to memory? I see it, sometimes, in the eyes of others. I've been out with friends, driving down the street, and had the radio on. A certain song will come on, and we'll all have been having a good time, and the song will fire up, and one or the other of us will suddenly have a mood swing, because of whatever happens to come on. It's like a light switch because of the associations. I wonder if there are studies of that kind of things.

I'm neurotic that way. Let's study the phenomenon! Tinker with the brains of others, and tell me whether or not there's actual scientific evidence to link memory to music!

Yeah, I'm a nerd.

Secret word of the week

This week we have *two* words of the week, because I just can't make up my mind :)

This week's words of the week are:

Masturbation and fornication.

Carry on children.


Wheee!!!!!!!!

Saturday, November 3, 2007

I don't need anything

Or anyone...Wouldn't that be nice? Meh, not true though. I need people sometimes. Everyone does. I don't need many people very often. And even then, I don't like admitting it aloud. I'm just feeling a little off today, and so I'm blogging while I sit in quiet contemplation in my room. The radio is playing in the living room, and I can barely hear it, so it's mostly just background noise. Ezzie is sitting in my windowsill and keeping me company. I love my kitty.

I can't just talk. I can't just sit down and face to face talk to people. I'm not good at that. I want to be. I simply lack those skills. Even with practice, I'm not sure that I'll ever be good at that sort of thing. I was once. I had interpersonal skills, and could easily talk for hours in a one-on-one situation. I lost those skills at some point, and now I'm better off with a computer keyboard. I do better with a screen between myself and others.

This is random, and I apologize to anyone who is reading it and is getting confused here. Just gonna have to bear with me and my confused ramblings.

Catch everybody later.