Don't you ever tell me it's what *I* wanted

You never lifted a finger to fight for me. Not then, not now, not once, not ever. In my entire life, no one has ever once fought for me.

So don't you ever tell me it's what I wanted. You don't have that right. You never will again. It's what you wanted. It's what you've wanted since the day you listened to me say the words "we should probably break up", and proceeded to start making out with her the next day, and were in her bed within two weeks. And shoving it in my face every single day thereafter, until you finally chased me out of town, because I simply couldn't take it anymore.

So you don't get to tell me it's what I wanted. What I wanted was someone to prove to me that they loved me enough to fight for me, and show it. Not to just shrug and say "okay".

Someone to tell me that I mattered, in any capacity. That I wasn't a disposable thing to them, and could be cast aside without a second thought. That's what I wanted, and no one, ever, has ever bothered to do that.

Everyone has always told me that I wasn't disposable. But when it came right down to it? I was the one cast aside. I was the one who didn't matter, and I was the one who was abandoned. Every single time. So don't tell me it's what I wanted. Because it's bullshit. And you know it.

I never asked to not matter. And you knew what my insecurities were. You've always know that my biggest insecurity was being abandoned, and left behind because I didn't matter enough. That's been my overriding insecurity for my entire life. Because I was the one who never mattered to anybody, and that no one noticed.

So when someone walks out on me, and never comes back? I don't "get over it". And when someone can casually just say "okay", and leave? Yes, I can hate you. Because that is the one thing I can't handle. And you know that. And you've always known that.

I had my heart ripped out of me, and left bleeding on the ground, and then stomped on, and shattered for good measure. And I tried to pick up the pieces, and I took them, and ran away. And every single time I tried to put it all back together, someone needed me, and I help hold them together, because I'm me, and that's what I do. And it never mattered to them, whether or not it was damaging me. Because I was disposable, and once they were done with me, off they went on their merry way. They got what they came for, and they felt better.

And now? Now that I'm trying to hold everything in place? You throw in my face that it's what I want? That's bullshit. This was never what I wanted, and you have no right to ever say that.

And the casual knowledge that if it all goes south, you can always come back and I'll be right here, and you'll be fine? That isn't fair either, and you should be ashamed of yourself for thinking it, much less being willing to say it. Because I went through hell, and had to rebuild my entire life without anyone, and yet, obviously I'll just be right here, and you'll have a safe haven, right?

But it's what I want, to be left alone, and abandoned, so you can have what you want.