Tell me, while she's touching you, just by mistake, accidentally do you say my name?

Damn. This isn't directed at anybody, it's simply because of the song in the background. So I just rolled back into town from Bakersfield, after having met the, as Sissy puts it "hot Jewish boys" who were down from Seattle. They're actually still in Los Angeles, visiting their families, and will be staying at my apartment either tonight, or tomorrow, before they head back home.

It wasn't until Sis and I were in the car, driving back towards home, when she pointed out what I had, being the oblivious ass that I tend to be, missed. Jer looks like Phil. Which is why I spent three days being a complete bitch. He also tends to *act* like Phil, and sets the same sparks off me that he does. It didn't help that he has the same body build, etc, which I honestly hadn't picked up on. I simply was an ass. Go, me.

Nothing new there. If it hadn't been pointed out to me, I wouldn't have caught it at all, and would have continued on my happy oblivious way, and been an idiot permanently. At least I can apologize. Anyhow. Such was my week.

There should be turkey available shortly. Yippee. My OCD is going crazy, as I attacked my front hall closet, and ended up dismantling the whole thing, trying to find a Pearlcorder for my mom, which I did actually locate. So there is that. Didn't find my Latin books, though, so they must be in the Carl boxes, which means I'm going to need to go through all the Carl boxes before I *ship* the Carl boxes, la la la la la la.

I'm feeling a little wired. Dunno why. Need to repack some of these boxes of his stuff before it's safe to send out either way, so it's just as well that I had a chance to see what was in there. I hung up stockings on the wall. And put a santa hat on Ezzie's scratching post. He shot me the dirtiest look I think I've ever seen. I'm sure he'll survive. Maybe I'll give him turkey and earn his respect back.

I've become spoiled by the Mac and my new computer. I dislike using slower machines now, having learned what a good strong machine is capable of.

On a different tangent. I want a hug.

That is...all for right now.

Latez, intarwebs.

Chinese food and rejection

I broke several things today, and ended up ordering in Chinese food, because I couldn't seem to keep a grip on anything long enough to cook dinner. The new place delivers, which is good, because I would not have trusted myself behind the wheel either. It's ironic, because I probably would have been fine, but I wasn't willing to take the chance. So I ordered Chinese. And it was good, but whilst having dinner, and bs'ing on the phone, about half-way through the conversation, I was abruptly told, once again, that I wasn't important, and booted off. Not in quite those words, of course. And while I obligingly hung up, I pointed out that it was rude to abruptly terminate the conversation simply because someone else was bored, and wanted to chat, even though we were already in the middle of a discussion. I'm so tired of that crap. Shit like that makes me not want to continue a friendship, out of sheer frustration. If there's actually something important going on, and you need to take off, and go handle it? Fine, I get it, sometimes things come up that need to be handled. Happens to the best of us. But if it's just "Wah, I'm bored", that's just bullshit. And it keeps happening. And the more it happens, the less inclined I am to pursue a friendship anymore.

Hope is that thing with feathers, that perches within the soul - Emily Dickinson

Blarg

I'm still sick, but I'm not dead. That is all.

I'm sick

And from the feel of things, I don't think it's going to end up being a little sick. I tried for the last two days to kick it back, and it's not receding. The more I try, the more I fail. And as I sit here writing this, it's kind of getting a little bit worse.

And no, I do not want anyone showing up here, and even if you do, I won't bother answering the door. I'm not up to it, so don't waste your time.

I'm camped out in pajamas, under blankets, and not particularly holding anything down. My head is doing it's spinning routine, which is kind of disconcerting me, since I haven't taken *any* of my pain meds, so the spinning is kind of unnerving. And my lungs are pissed at me. If it holds past Monday, it's rather handy that I'm slated for doc appointments all next week anyhow. I'll let my doctors know what's up, and they'll decide what needs to be done. Either way, it's a safe bet that I'm kind of screwed.

Having said all of that, I'm heading to sleep, and if there's no answer when anyone calls me, don't take it personally. I'm sleeping.

Sometimes it's hard for people to understand that there is a difference between the past and the present. To see the truth from illusion, or fact from fiction. To a certain extent, I kind of can understand how that happened, and I suppose that some of the fault is mine.

This: the image I gave of not wanting anything to do with family, with hearth and home. I didn't want the white picket fence lifestyle, and I had no compunctions about verbalizing my belief in not being tied to the barefoot and pregnant image.

And while that's all well and good. Not wanting to be co-dependent, and not wanting to be stuck at home making babies and waiting hand and foot on someone?

I ask for all of you idiot men to stop, sit down and think about the *actual* reality of the person that is me. Not the words that I say. Not the image you think you have in your heads. The *actual* reality, of the person who actually ended up being me.

Because that person? Was, in the end, not the person you seem to think that you knew. I've spent the last six months fighting tooth and nail, being sick with hormones swimming in my bloodstream, to insure that I can have babies. Healthy babies. This, from a woman who has mocked, heavily, for years the idea of children. As is common knowledge. But I spent months making damned sure my reproductive system works now, because it just about destroyed me to lose a child, because of the damage to my only working ovary. Not that I'm infected with baby rabies, and looking to get knocked up. But I'm not sitting here doing the 'children are worthless and a waste of oxygen' song, either.

I never chased the verbal dream of marriage and family, no. Never espoused the burning desire to take care of a man. But I got up, every morning, and made sure someone ate. Did laundry. Kept the house clean. And not in a halfhearted, half-assed fashion. Kept the whole place clean, and cooked meals, and took care of the person I loved. Made certain they had what they needed so they could go to work, every day. To keep them in good health. To try and make them happy.

But I never said the a word about wanting to be married. Spoke against it, in fact. My actions and my words, they didn't match. My failing, perhaps. I can write, beautifully, if I need to. But when it comes to verbalizing what is going on, with a partner? I fail.

And no one ever looked at my actions, to see that I was doing all of the necessary things, to be a good partner, that would have made a good wife. That in the end, given time, things would have smoothed out. It doesn't matter who that person would have been, because they never look and see me. They always see some type of shade of who I was, or who they remember. Or worse yet, who they expected me to be, and not the reality of me.

Part of that, that's my fault. Because I can't get those all-important words out. But part of that is a lack of actually looking *at* me, and seeing who I am, and not who they expect to see, or who they wanted me to be, because it was easier for them to cast me aside if I was still someone else. Someone they were still angry at. Someone I wasn't anymore. It doesn't really matter anymore, who it is they were looking at, that isn't me.

The point is, that person? Isn't me. And none of them looked. A lot of people don't.

People, and it isn't specific to me, tend to look at their loved ones, their friends, their families. They see what they expect to see. It isn't fair. It isn't right. People change, they grow, they mature, and become something different with time and changes in circumstances. And when nobody bothers to look to see if something has evolved, they're going to get what they always got.

And not necessarily because it's accurate. Simply because they never bothered to look at reality, instead of the illusion they placed there, themselves.

...just one chance...just in case there's just one left...

I'm so far beyond being able to think or know which end is up, I can't function. Just one more chance.

I can't separate the truth from the lies. I love you. I miss you. You've been gone for too long. I think I might give up if I don't see you anymore. That's how it feels, and it's just squeezing the breath out of me, all day, every day. I wanted more than you could give. And you wanted more than I could give.

I loved you all along. And I forgive you. Believe that.

It doesn't matter anymore. None of it matters anymore. I simply no longer care anymore. Hold on to me, or let me go. I'm so tired of being here, and I need to leave. And soon enough, I'm going to have to do just that. I'll need to sever all those ties, and it will all be done.

I can't heal this way. It hurts, so badly. Time isn't going to heal it. Nothing has. Perhaps distance will, if nothing else.

My heart is always going to belong to you. You can take it or not, it isn't like I'm doing anything with it. I'm not asking for yours in return. I don't need that. I don't even want that. But for all the time I tried to get you to do and be something that you couldn't, I knew better than that. I shouldn't have tried. I don't want anything from you now. You cried, and I held you. I held you, and chased away your fears, and some part of your heart was mine. Some part of it always will be, or you wouldn't fear me.

Some part of me wouldn't be broken, and I could simply look across, and heal. Everything would be over, and we'd just be two people, with nothing left shared. There would be no reason to flinch from the idea of one another, if there was nothing there to fear.

Perhaps if there were a couple thousand miles between us, it would be easier. The idea that there could be no chance meetings, it might be easier. For me, and for you. I'm numb, most of the time. But that I still clutch, and stop breathing if I see something I'm not expecting tells me I'm still not all right.

If I'm expecting it, I can prepare, it's fine. But chance encounters that I cannot control, that's a different story. And I have no way of knowing how things are handled on your side. It's not something we ever discuss. I want no more intrigue. I want nothing but peace. Even friendship seems to have become past the point of redemption.

And the idea of peace in my life is paramount. I've made it very clear that for me, I need to have peace around me, if at all possible. I do the things that suit me, as much as possible. I'm trying to keep stress to a minimum as often as I can, because it was quite literally making me physically ill.

I'm still trying to bounce back from several months of it having taken its toll. And even now, I'm still not up to where I should be. I sleep, sometimes 18 hours a day. I don't advertise that point. But it's the case. I nap, sometimes off and on all day. I do homework, I nap. I pet the cat, I fall asleep with him on my lap. I fall asleep reading. I fall asleep at the computer. I have become over-extended, and the nightmares that plague me make the sleep so lacking in restfulness as to be useless. And that's causing my lupus to flare almost weekly.

I fake it well. I disguise the rashes across my face. I take energy pills. I pound coffee by the potful. But none of that entirely covers the fact that my health is getting steadily worse, and I'm severely over-extended.

And I can't keep doing it anymore. I simply can't. I need a break, and since I don't really have the resources to accomplish that, I've done the next best thing, and pulled back into my shell, to try and recoup the best way I could. I'm trying to figure out a way to get my sanity back intact. I have no other choices available. I'm buried when I can, in an alternate reality video game. It's a sense of distraction, and a way to be someone I'm not. That helps. I can be someone who is healthy, and strong, and all the things I'm not.

.......

I have a great many things that I thought I wanted to say. Many things that I think, or that I feel. I've been very quiet, I hear that a lot lately. Many ask me recently what's wrong. Why I'm avoiding them. What's going on.

I've nothing to say. No anger. No rage. Nothing. I'm not at all peaceful, to be honest. But I don't have anything productive to say. There is petty drama going on, in my circles, none of it anything I have any control over. It's not my life, it's not my problem.

None of your problems are mine any longer. Such were the choices you made. You fear to anger others, fear to anger me, don't want to cause strife, don't want controversy. All of which is fine. You don't want to be my lover. You don't want to be my friend. Honestly, I don't know what anyone wants from me anymore. I don't want to be a friend to anyone anymore. Being a friend has become something that's become a minefield, or perhaps that isn't the correct analogy. A boggy marsh, perhaps?

Not dangerous, just dirty. A place where if you step in the wrong spot, you end up sunk into your knees, covered in something dirty and disgusting. And I don't like to play in the mud. I prefer to be neat, and clean, and orderly. And aren't boggy marshes usually dark as well? Covered with foliage, so it's always twilight, and dusky?

I'd prefer, now, to come out into the sunlight, and stand on solid ground. Even if I need to stand there alone. I like trees. But I'm tired of the pitfalls of a marsh, and would prefer solid, safe footing, and sunlight.

I want to be able to see what I'm looking for, when I glance around me. And if I need to stand alone, to know that what I see within my line of vision is clear and bright, then perhaps that's the way it might need to be for a while. I'm tired of shadows, and wondering what's going to pop out from around a dark corner, and have it cover me in grime. It's depressing, and it's tiresome. And I'm tired of that.

Wondering who to trust, and who wants to hurt me, and why they'd want to keep doing that? It gets old. Whether it's intentional or not, it still gets old. And bloody hell, but if I'm going to be alone 90% of the time anyhow, I might as well at least not be guarding my back from everyone around me. I might as well simply *be* alone entirely, instead of quasi-alone, and wondering when it's going to end up being something I regret.

I'm tired of regretting things. Choices I made that haunt me. Decisions I was forced into, because there were no other options. In the last ten years, I've lived a lifetime of regrets, and now those regrets have finally been narrowed down to a handful. I've rectified what I could. Apologized for what I had no control over, that I knew about, or what I did wrong, that I know about. And my regrets are now down to just a few. And I can live with that, and with those.

But I see no reason to keep moving forward, and racking up more, and adding to a tally sheet more that I don't want. There's no room for regrets in my life now. No reason to feel ashamed of things that I do. I don't feel ashamed of my past anymore, because to a certain extent, my past doesn't define me. It makes me stronger, and I am who I am because of it.

I'm going to cook something tomorrow, and possibly bake. I'm going to work on my next speech, and work on the rest of my reading comp assignments. I should be able to plow through those during one day. I haven't yet decided what else I plan to do. But I think it's time to start making plans, and filling them in, with actual goals, instead of far-off ones.

It's about time to figure out some things. And I'm well on the path to that. I suspect people won't like that.

And I really have become comfortably numb

Which is nice. Whether it be because of a nice insulation of narcotics, or simply because the pain begins to dull, either way is nice.

Right now, it's a nice cloudy haze, but sometimes that isn't it. And I don't much care which.

There was a nice large bout of lying that went on recently, for reasons I'm still not clear on, some people went out of their way to lie to me. Truth would have served better, and the end result is that I'm now simply amused.

I can ferret out information on the internet fairly easily. And I'm a lot more internet savvy than certain others. Simply giving your profile a new 'name' doesn't hide who you are if you're trying to do that. Especially if you're doing silly things like joining domestic violence groups. Kind of shrieks "this is me" at the top of your digital voice. But whatever.

And the ironic part of my having a brand-spanking-new digital identity online somewhere, and having only one or two people having access to that account? Makes it *very* easy for me to track who is watching and reading what I put there. Especially since I blocked out some of them from seeing the things I wrote there. I know who is reading what I write. I know when, and how often. Yes, I set it up as bait. And those people simply couldn't resist running directly to it, and reading it regularly.

It's pretty funny, at least to me. Online stalkers for the win.

They say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. Well, let me tell you, I'm tired of being flattered. A couple of people will actually grasp that. Sadly, those people won't even admit to having conversations with me, which is sort of amusing in and of itself. Such is life. That's a rant for some other day.

I'm going to go back to bed shortly, after I finish writing and editing an essay that I wrote at the beginning of last week, and turning it back into the online writing center, because I..well, mostly because I can. And then I'll send in my review for yet a different class, and do a couple of other random assignments. And then I'll sleep for another twenty or so hours, attempting to make up for the drain on my energy that I put myself through last week.

Bye.

Let the rain fall down

The speech came, the speech went, the rain falls, the drugs are ingested, and I'm going back to sleep now. Goodnight.

30 hours, 4 pots of coffee, and feeling a little manic

I just started brewing the fifth pot of coffee, and I suspect that in a half an hour when I take my medication for the night, I'll be following it with sleeping pills, or I'll be still so over-wired I won't be able to crash out. I worked straight through for probably twenty hours overall, and rehearsed for another about two. I *think* I have it stable at 7 minutes. Pretty sure. Argument centered on the Equal Protection Rights Act of the Fourteenth Amendment, using court cases from 1948 here in California, 1958 in Virginia, upheld in the Federal Supreme Court in 1967, and a combination analogy in 2005, wrapped together showing that marriage should be genderless, and is a protected right for all men, with "men" also defined as genderless for the purposes of law.

And for fuck's sake, don't even get me started. And just to add to my very quickly modified ending, the day after Prop 8 passed? The ACLU was already in the California Supreme Court submitting the appeal, on November 5, 2008. So yes, I even have the source cited for that.

Ladies and gentlemen, that would be a Statement of Fact, for those of you who were wondering. It is a statement of fact, that the right to be married to the person of your choice is supported by the Equal Protection Rights Act of the Fourteenth Amendment. And then, blah blah blah.

I used the topical pattern for the argument, although it still seems to not be an argument per se, so much as a presentation, but whatever. It's 'rehearsal' until tomorrow, at which it will be 'presented', and then Sunday, I'll be putting together my opposite viewpoint for the speech in two weeks, and I have that under control as well.

The opposite viewpoint doesn't sit as well with me as this one does, but it isn't as abhorrent to me as what I was going to have to do, so I'll suck it up and deal. It's an assignment, and I'll do it. I'm looking forward to the last speech of the class, the one that's three minutes, and fun. Doesn't take as much work either.

I finally got back something from the Online Tutorial Center that was helpful too, and I'll be slogging my way through modifying that on Sunday too, for the final draft next weekend. I want to be able to re-submit it to them, and see if the modifications work, so I have to get it done Sunday. But I liked their suggestions and I'm going to give a good healthy attempt to changing per their suggestions.

Looks like I'm looking at about three hundred dollars for books next semester too. Ugh. Such is life. Wouldn't be hurting as much if the bird hadn't just required new shoes. C'est la vie.

Wow. There were other candidates.

Besides McCain and Obama. I knew that, actually. But the fact that someone I used to know might actually have voted for one of them, absolutely amazes me.

I wouldn't have wanted to see Palin in the White House. The idea turns my stomach. But Alan Keyes *Really*??? Seriously? A bible-toting, gay-bashing, let's abolish abortion asshole? Someone actually voted for *that*??

*WHY*??????

I have apparently no taste other than the ability to ascertain what the ice cream flavor is, obviously. Thank whatever the reigning deity of the day is, that the likes of Alan Keyes won't ever make it into a position of power in this country. WTF were you thinking, dude?
Vote your conscience my ass. And let me guess, you voted for him, *and* managed to vote "No on 8" at the same time? Because *that* makes sense, right?

...chances...changes...

Election day was yesterday, and welcome to our new President-Elect Barack Obama. I'm actually very excited that he's been elected, although I missed his acceptance speech, and McCain's concession speech. I'll check them out on YouTube later tonight, after I finish up my homework. I'm disappointed, intensely disappointed, in California for having passed Prop 8. It saddens me more than I can say.

My horoscope today was kind of amusing, it warned me to beware of things coming back into my life.

And I got a friend request on MySpace today, from Joy. My response? I didn't add her, I simply sent a message to the effect of "Are you kidding?". Because honestly, you dump on me, drop me, and destroy my things while I'm out of town...and then wander back in, and shoot me a friend request as though everything is fine? No, somehow I don't think so. I've had enough of that to last a lifetime.

My playlist on this site has begun to reflect my moods, at least the top selections do, now that I know how to sort through them. So I suppose be warned? If it updates for whatever reason, and there suddenly seems to be a theme? There's probably something going on with me, and I'm in a mood. Nothing new there, I'm always in one mood or another.

Oh. And the frame rates on the new machine, running two instances of WoW simultaneously, along with a chat program, two browsers, and a handful of other things? They're running 40+ FPS. It's *sweet* that it can run that, while in flight, across the Outlands on one continent, and across Kalimdor on the other. Sweet.

Anyhow. I'm slogging through schoolwork, although my grades appear to be holding steady, as long as I can maintain it. It's wearing on me, and emotionally I'm starting to slip. No, there's nothing to be done about it. I'm going to be going onto some tester anti-depressants, and I don't much want to talk about it. I'll be handling it with my doctor, and my therapists. But I don't want anyone telling me I didn't say anything either. If anyone thinks I have emotional extra to help out, no, I don't, I'm sorry. I've gotten to the end of my tether, and I'm simply holding it together the best I can, and while I don't feel like sitting around over coffee sharing feelings, it isn't anything personal against anyone. I just...need to deal.

Next semester, where I don't have to come into contact with actual people, will be better. Except for the stint in April where I have to deal with San Francisco, I can just kind of hide in my little hole, and that will help me tremendously. That's what I need more than anything, is to be left alone, and not have to handle strangers. It's been doing me in, the having to come into contact with people I don't know. I've faked it very well, but ultimately, I rushed headlong into it, and I'm glad I got it over with, but it's been stressful, and I won't try it again for a while.

I'll be looking into Cera Coso, so that I can do more steadily online courses than FCC offers. Thanks Sissa.

In fits and spurts

I'm sort of running, from the new machine. It may or may not actually continue to work. I'll say this, it's insanely fast. But I have no idea whether or not it's working properly. I'm currently attempting to install Warcraft, for sixth time, having had zero success the first five times.

I *do* have the internet working, obviously. I managed to go the operating system working, got the motherboard drivers installed, albeit with several crashes involved there. I installed drivers for the video card, although I have no idea whether or not they're working properly, since I had video installed before, as I could see the monitor. Everything is very *small* now. Much higher resolution than I'm accustomed to. Makes my monitor seem much bigger. Very peculiar.

Very nice man named Richard spent a couple hours here fixing some plumbing stuff in my apartment, he's a musician from Los Angeles, moved back here to take care of his parents. Runs his father's business. About six years older than I am. I helped him figure out how to find musicians on the internet, as he didn't realize that's how you meet local musicians now, and he said he'll be back around tomorrow. Hehe. Incidentally, he's finished working on my apartment. LOL.

Yes, I voted. Blizzard is slow for downloading. Sigh. I got a lot of homework done today, while I was sitting at Jo's, waiting for new shoes to be put on the Thunderbird. Turns out the tires were pretty well shot to hell, and it's just as well I picked up a nail, or that could have been very bad. Three of them were so far shot that they could have blown out at any time. So the bird has new shoes. Poor bird.

This whole month has been really freaking expensive. I may end up going back to work soon, money might end up getting tight if things don't stop being expensive. This is ridiculous. But I couldn't risk having a tire blow with me behind the wheel, I'm not stupid enough to take the chance.

I have a bunch of doc appointments scheduled for the next two weeks, bloodwork and whatnot, regular stuff. Got all my classes for spring semester lined up, slated for Psychology, Health, Intro to linguistics, and Typing. Yes, I know, basic typing is a bonehead course, but hey, everyone needs a little fluff. Still 13 units, thank you very much.

A repost from MySpace bulletins

When you're walking, do you stop to drink?
Not generally, if I have a bottle of something to drink with me.
Otherwise, what would I drink?


Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it?
I used to believe that, I'm not so sure anymore.



Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle?
Yes, of course.



Ever snuck out of your house?
Why would I sneak out of my house?


Kill or Be killed?
Kill.



Break someone’s heart or have your heart broken?
My heart seems to be the one that gets broken.



What did you do today?
Played online, did an absurd amount of laundry, was informed about the upcoming "Sword of Truth" show premiering tonight, and spent time with Shawn & Melissa.


Would you ever get a tattoo?
Nope.



What was the last thing you ate?
A pita bread, plain. I should really go and find something more nutritious to eat.


Are you a morning person or a night person?
Neither.
My sleep pattern is completely fucked, and I honestly don't know anymore


Do you snore?
Yup.



Do you know anyone who has gotten an abortion?
Yes.



What would you do if you opened up your front door to a dead body?
Figure that I'd finally complete lost it, and just close the door again.



Do you like to spend time with people?
It sort of depends on who the people are.


Are you hungry?
Yes, as a matter of fact.



Are you a forgiving person?
I can be, but I've gotten really tired over the years of being walked on, and have started requiring more than just basic bullshit excuses for being stomped on.



When was the last time you did the dishes?
This afternoon.



Are you talking to anyone while doing this?
No.



What are you about to do?
Finish up some homework, and then change out yet more laundry, and take some more painkillers. Haven't really thought beyond that.



Have you ever thought someone died, when they really didn't?
No, as a general rule, when I think someone died, they stay dead.



If you could be a superhero what would you want to do?
Time travel seems like a good one.



Your name plus "ness"?
Crysness. That sounds lame.



Three feelings at the moment?
Exhausted, contemplative, and peckish.



Done anything you regret so far in life?
Two things. And they're none of your business.



Are you listening to anything?
Nothing, it's silent here.


Where are you right now?
Sitting at home, filling out this survey.



What are you scared of?
What I'm going to do, and whether or not the plans I want will pan out.



Last movie you watched?
I watched about three minutes of "Happy Feet" this afternoon, does that count?

Last song you sang out loud?
"Shattered" by OAR


Who is the last person you talked to on the phone?
Jeremiah and Josh


Last thing you downloaded on your computer?
Mozilla Firefox

Have you changed much this year?
Yes.



Where was the last place you went besides where you are?
Longs Drugs

Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
No.



Do you speak any other language?
Yes.



Do you dress for style or comfort?
Comfort.


Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?
Nope.



What's the craziest thing you've done?
Threw my entire life out the window on a whim, and then spent the next year trying to figure out what I was going to do next.



Favorite color(s)?
Silver and blue


What is your favorite Nickelback song?
Far Away. I like the lyrics.



What are you looking forward to this summer?
Summer just ended. Thank the gods. Next summer, I'm hoping to go to Montana.


Last time you smiled?
I don't smile often...


If you could have anything in the world, what would you want?
To be understood, and things to not hurt anymore.