Things don't always go the way we plan, do they? The relationship you're in, it's still there. Of course it is. It's not like you've been dumped. But it's just, not quite what it was. There's nothing specific, nothing precisely there that points out what the problem is, you just know that it's there.
It used to be that you were so close that you could almost read each others' minds. That intense emotional connection. Sex was hot, and you couldn't keep each others hands off. Then it started dropping off, and it was for reasons that were valid, sure it was. Work was stressful. There were people to be spending time with, and it would be good if you spent some time with your friends too. Maybe they just need a little space, or there's some sort of lifestyle change they're interested in.
Then maybe you get dumped. Or maybe you don't, and you have them pulling away, putting up walls, distancing themselves and making themselves isolated while you wonder what you've done wrong. Over and over, while you have no idea what might have gone astray. The excuses are there. "I want to go out with (x) tonight." "We'll talk later." "I'm working late/early/overtime."
It doesn't really matter what rationalizations are being given, the end result is the same. One foot is halfway out the door, and the ship has sailed. It's just a matter of time, until they admit to themselves that if they're not interested in sexual and emotional intimacy with you, then they're no longer involved with the relationship with you.
Whether or not you're going to be a good friend, a fond memory, or just someone they used to know? You're still going to be the past, because it's going to be...over.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Being a jerk, and being slapped in the face with it
It really really sucks, when you happen to have done something that is fairly high on 'I was a jackass' scale, without having really meant to, and then realized, quite a while later, that you did. Even unintentionally?
I knew, I've always known, when someone is hurting, when it's someone I have a tie to. Especially when it's a tie that bound us. Distance helps, to a certain extent, and I can sometimes block well enough to put it out of reach for blocks of time. But when something is completely fucked in their world, it will generally at least skew things in mine, and I know it.
And I ignored it. Have been ignoring it. Because it was easier, because it's the way I need it to be. Because it's the way it has to be, and the way everything was put in place for all parties concerned. I did what they wanted, finally, and I walked away. And I, for the most part, buried it.
I was wrong. And it's becoming more and more obvious with each passing day, just how wrong, as evidence of how badly things are going shatters the zone around me. Not how badly things are going *for me*, because in all honesty, my world is actually peaceful, and I'm doing well.
But I can feel the instability, and the fact that the breaking point is near and that I can't help, and don't have any way to do anything at all to slide balance back under, hurts. It is not in my nature, to let someone I love, fall, and break under strain they can't handle. Especially if I know that I *am* strong enough to hold them. That I always was. Even when I didn't want to be, that is one of my redeeming qualities, is that I am strong enough, to keep everything together, while they regain their equilibrium, and can find their own balance again.
And it decimates me, to feel and to know what is falling apart, that no one else sees. That no one else helps. That no one else is holding. Being strong on the surface, and holding it together until it's too late, might make everyone lose. I'm not sure they realize it, because no one else understands the risk. You don't let them in, because you truly believe you have to protect everyone.
You never needed to protect me, because I had enough to give, to hold you up, and keep you safe, and keep myself intact in the process. It frustrates and confuses you, that I can do that, that I have that, that I'm capable of that. And I'm sorry that it twists you. I can't help that.
You don't need my presence, to take that strength. Re-open the damned conduit that will let that back in. Stop blocking me. It will ground you as it always did, and give you the strength to hold, as it always has. You probably never recognized it before, and I no longer care, as long as you're safe, and in one piece. I can give it back, if you're willing to take it. Don't fall because of your pride. Don't let them lose you, because you won't take help. Please.
I knew, I've always known, when someone is hurting, when it's someone I have a tie to. Especially when it's a tie that bound us. Distance helps, to a certain extent, and I can sometimes block well enough to put it out of reach for blocks of time. But when something is completely fucked in their world, it will generally at least skew things in mine, and I know it.
And I ignored it. Have been ignoring it. Because it was easier, because it's the way I need it to be. Because it's the way it has to be, and the way everything was put in place for all parties concerned. I did what they wanted, finally, and I walked away. And I, for the most part, buried it.
I was wrong. And it's becoming more and more obvious with each passing day, just how wrong, as evidence of how badly things are going shatters the zone around me. Not how badly things are going *for me*, because in all honesty, my world is actually peaceful, and I'm doing well.
But I can feel the instability, and the fact that the breaking point is near and that I can't help, and don't have any way to do anything at all to slide balance back under, hurts. It is not in my nature, to let someone I love, fall, and break under strain they can't handle. Especially if I know that I *am* strong enough to hold them. That I always was. Even when I didn't want to be, that is one of my redeeming qualities, is that I am strong enough, to keep everything together, while they regain their equilibrium, and can find their own balance again.
And it decimates me, to feel and to know what is falling apart, that no one else sees. That no one else helps. That no one else is holding. Being strong on the surface, and holding it together until it's too late, might make everyone lose. I'm not sure they realize it, because no one else understands the risk. You don't let them in, because you truly believe you have to protect everyone.
You never needed to protect me, because I had enough to give, to hold you up, and keep you safe, and keep myself intact in the process. It frustrates and confuses you, that I can do that, that I have that, that I'm capable of that. And I'm sorry that it twists you. I can't help that.
You don't need my presence, to take that strength. Re-open the damned conduit that will let that back in. Stop blocking me. It will ground you as it always did, and give you the strength to hold, as it always has. You probably never recognized it before, and I no longer care, as long as you're safe, and in one piece. I can give it back, if you're willing to take it. Don't fall because of your pride. Don't let them lose you, because you won't take help. Please.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
So I'm a Unicorn
Well, if that's the case, if I recall correctly, doesn't that mean that I spook easily, and am very difficult to catch? And it will take someone special to catch and hold me, and once they do, it will either require them to stay a certain way to play with me, or they have to give me up, to move on with their life?
That's the downside about being a Unicorn, right? We're beautiful, but unobtainable, because no one will be able to actually do whatever needs to be done to play with one for the long term :P
That's the downside about being a Unicorn, right? We're beautiful, but unobtainable, because no one will be able to actually do whatever needs to be done to play with one for the long term :P
Minimizing risk taking!
Odds of fatally slipping in bath or shower: 2,232 to 1
Odds of being killed sometime in the next year in any sort of transportation accident: 77 to 1
Odds of getting killed somehow while walking around outside: 1 in 49,000
Odds of death due to burning pajamas: 1 in 97,000,000 (National Safety Council stat, and no that’s not a joke)
You take risks each and every day doing the most mundane tasks. It's not about taking risks it's about risk management.
***
So, essentially: I can cut down all my chances if I stay in the house, sleep naked, and don't go anywhere for the next year?? I refuse to stay dirty, so I'll take my chances with the bath/shower, but the risks can be cut way down :P
And no, I'm not willing to be a housebound hermit, but it was still somewhat amusing. Thanks Anon.
Odds of being killed sometime in the next year in any sort of transportation accident: 77 to 1
Odds of getting killed somehow while walking around outside: 1 in 49,000
Odds of death due to burning pajamas: 1 in 97,000,000 (National Safety Council stat, and no that’s not a joke)
You take risks each and every day doing the most mundane tasks. It's not about taking risks it's about risk management.
***
So, essentially: I can cut down all my chances if I stay in the house, sleep naked, and don't go anywhere for the next year?? I refuse to stay dirty, so I'll take my chances with the bath/shower, but the risks can be cut way down :P
And no, I'm not willing to be a housebound hermit, but it was still somewhat amusing. Thanks Anon.
I'm just a bird that's already flown away...
I was, I am? Conflicted about today. I know that today was actually a really good day, overall. I had a series of good debates, found out some interesting information that will benefit me directly in the end once I put the work into it, and spent the day with people I enjoy, and doing things I like.
That being said? Why did my speech cut out, all day long? I just don't understand, and that bothers me. And what bothers me the most is that I suspect part of the problem might be that I spend enough of my time in my solitary pursuits now, that my actual verbal skills are taking a beating because of it. I can speak on the phone, or on vent, just fine. The trouble starts in person, when something sudden short-circuits.
And I think it might actually just be nerves. I might be my own worst enemy now. I've enabled myself to wrap into a safe cocoon, where I'm comfortable, and not need to have to deal with anything that might upset me. When things do upset me? I just cut it off.
I'm honestly not sure whether that's detrimental or not. For a while I pushed boundaries almost continuously, and pushed at everything to see how far I could go. And then I got...complacent? I'm not sure. I cannot decide if I want to go back to trying the limits, or if I want to stay in the safe zone.
I'm comfortable now. I'm content, and happy a lot of the time. I'm studying again, the things I'd put off and put away for so long. I'm delving into new things that I have interest in, and exploring all kinds of new things. But a lot of those things don't require me to interact with people in a social venue. It enables me to hide inside a computerized world, peeking out, and not letting anyone in except by my own choosing.
There's no risk anymore. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. What I can't quite decide is if I want to venture, and risk the gain? Or if I'm content where things stand. I'm laying here, with my kitty on my lap, and he's purring. I have a hot mug of tea, and that makes me happy. I had many people tell me that I was wanted, cared for, loved, today. I have friends, associates, acquaintances, to fill my time, stimulate my mind and make me happy.
I don't know anymore, whether or not I should simply take what I have, and be content with it. And that leaves me troubled, and feeling conflicted.
That being said? Why did my speech cut out, all day long? I just don't understand, and that bothers me. And what bothers me the most is that I suspect part of the problem might be that I spend enough of my time in my solitary pursuits now, that my actual verbal skills are taking a beating because of it. I can speak on the phone, or on vent, just fine. The trouble starts in person, when something sudden short-circuits.
And I think it might actually just be nerves. I might be my own worst enemy now. I've enabled myself to wrap into a safe cocoon, where I'm comfortable, and not need to have to deal with anything that might upset me. When things do upset me? I just cut it off.
I'm honestly not sure whether that's detrimental or not. For a while I pushed boundaries almost continuously, and pushed at everything to see how far I could go. And then I got...complacent? I'm not sure. I cannot decide if I want to go back to trying the limits, or if I want to stay in the safe zone.
I'm comfortable now. I'm content, and happy a lot of the time. I'm studying again, the things I'd put off and put away for so long. I'm delving into new things that I have interest in, and exploring all kinds of new things. But a lot of those things don't require me to interact with people in a social venue. It enables me to hide inside a computerized world, peeking out, and not letting anyone in except by my own choosing.
There's no risk anymore. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. What I can't quite decide is if I want to venture, and risk the gain? Or if I'm content where things stand. I'm laying here, with my kitty on my lap, and he's purring. I have a hot mug of tea, and that makes me happy. I had many people tell me that I was wanted, cared for, loved, today. I have friends, associates, acquaintances, to fill my time, stimulate my mind and make me happy.
I don't know anymore, whether or not I should simply take what I have, and be content with it. And that leaves me troubled, and feeling conflicted.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Ireland and Imbolc
It's somewhere I've wanted to go, for most of my life. The stone circles of Ireland, scattered about the country, is something I have wanted to see, to watch the sun come up over, on the high holidays for going on twenty years. And it's something I still want to do, someday.
For me, personally, I would have liked to make it there for Yule or Litha, followed by Samhain if at all possible. But any of the holidays would have done, the equinoxes, Beltaine, Lughnassadh, Imbolc. Any one of them would have sufficed.
People I trust, whose opinions matter to me, have told me that there's magic there. That's it is so bright that you can almost breathe it in, and taste it. The world is so vibrantly green and glossy that no photograph will ever do it justice, and that the shimmering life in the air and in the soil is something unspoiled and pure.
And I want to see that, and taste and feel it. I want to go, and be a part of that, for a little while. And I want to watch that sun come up across the ruins of the stone circles of Ireland, where the druids danced in celebration of the Gods, and feel the magic that's still there.
Perhaps I'm not as open and in-your-face as some, perhaps I'm not as expressive, about the things I care about. That doesn't mean that they aren't a part of me. I guess I forget that sometimes, to let out some of the more hidden bits of myself. Yes, I'd like to go and sit on a hillside, and enjoy the stone dance. Perhaps even dance myself. To think about the dreams I have, and the dreams to be, and all of the aspects of life, while in Ireland, and to stand where countless others have stood before me, and embrace the same things.
To feel their pain, and their sorrow, and their love, and their joy. And let it cycle through me and past me, and to be a part of all of it. Because it's all part of who I am, because I can't be anything more or less than that.
I have run from it, fought it, tried to break it and myself, and in the end, accepted it. And finally embraced it, and me, to become who I am now. And that's a good thing.
But I want to stand there, and look. I want to dance, and live, and love. And just be me. So perhaps not this year. Maybe it won't be next year. But I will make it there, and it will be during a festival day, a day to dance, and celebrate life.
For me, personally, I would have liked to make it there for Yule or Litha, followed by Samhain if at all possible. But any of the holidays would have done, the equinoxes, Beltaine, Lughnassadh, Imbolc. Any one of them would have sufficed.
People I trust, whose opinions matter to me, have told me that there's magic there. That's it is so bright that you can almost breathe it in, and taste it. The world is so vibrantly green and glossy that no photograph will ever do it justice, and that the shimmering life in the air and in the soil is something unspoiled and pure.
And I want to see that, and taste and feel it. I want to go, and be a part of that, for a little while. And I want to watch that sun come up across the ruins of the stone circles of Ireland, where the druids danced in celebration of the Gods, and feel the magic that's still there.
Perhaps I'm not as open and in-your-face as some, perhaps I'm not as expressive, about the things I care about. That doesn't mean that they aren't a part of me. I guess I forget that sometimes, to let out some of the more hidden bits of myself. Yes, I'd like to go and sit on a hillside, and enjoy the stone dance. Perhaps even dance myself. To think about the dreams I have, and the dreams to be, and all of the aspects of life, while in Ireland, and to stand where countless others have stood before me, and embrace the same things.
To feel their pain, and their sorrow, and their love, and their joy. And let it cycle through me and past me, and to be a part of all of it. Because it's all part of who I am, because I can't be anything more or less than that.
I have run from it, fought it, tried to break it and myself, and in the end, accepted it. And finally embraced it, and me, to become who I am now. And that's a good thing.
But I want to stand there, and look. I want to dance, and live, and love. And just be me. So perhaps not this year. Maybe it won't be next year. But I will make it there, and it will be during a festival day, a day to dance, and celebrate life.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Oh...and I missed it, and thank you
My blog has now passed 10,000 hits :) I'm very pleased. It was at 10,500 when I noticed the counter, and it's still rising today, so I actually am very happy about it, it tells me people are reading it, and interested. So, thanks to whoever is taking the time out to follow the blog!
Where you go, what you do, when you think no one's watching you
Appearances can be deceiving. People have what I have termed for so long, I can no longer remember when I first started using the phrase, "their default expression". The look that they wear, when they no longer remember to put an expression on their faces. I'm aware of my default expression more often than not, because I have to consciously remember to change it, which is why I'm aware of mine. I've been told throughout my entire life that I either look sad/depressed, or devoid of emotion entirely. I look empty, as though there is nothing and no one inside. Because of this, I generally keep some sort of conscious expression in place. Unfortunately, that conscious expression has been described as "arrogant and cocky." This meaning that for the most part, my secondary default is generally a cross between laughter and a smirk. I find life and people to be vastly amusing, and will readily laugh at their antics, or at whatever I happen to be thinking, and it reflects on my face.
It's better than having a chilling emptiness reflected on my features.
The end result, of knowing that I wear a mask a lot of the time, is that most people are unaware of how much expression they portray, the signs they give off with their eyes and facial changes as whatever is going through their minds rearranges their faces for everyone to see. Their easy default is right there to read, and I am very fond of watching people. It's an interesting pasttime.
But I also realized that I have another hobby that I enjoy, and it keys into my people-watching. People have a default expression, but most people who are intimately linked to music in some fashion, will also have a 'default' switch for music as well. They're drawn to lyrics, things that will give them away unconsciously as they stream their choices for people.
This age of technology, where everyone is so linked together and connected, and no one puts any thought into what they might or might not show to the world, with their choices for music, for art, for photography, is something I rather enjoy. The choices people make in what they like, where their passions lie, show a lot about who they are, and who they believe themselves to be.
I called my playlist on my blog here "music to suit my mood", for a reason. Because I accept that I go through moods, and they're ever-changing. I was conscious of what I was putting up, when I select various songs, and the lyrics that are associated with them. A lot of people are not as conscious of what such things might say about them. The first song on my playlist was dedicated to me almost half a lifetime ago, in one of the darkest times of my life, when it was pointed out to me that I was so closed off from everyone as to be almost dead, and the only person who couldn't see it, was me. My friends, then, tried to save me. They couldn't...that failing was mine. I wasn't ready then. But that song, and what it reminds me of, has stayed with me for the rest of my life. As a gentle reminder of something I don't need to be.
There is an amazing forum for watching what people make available to people to dissect of their personalities online now. It's part of why I like the blogosphere. Half anonymity, half personal expression. It's why I write, because for me it's a wonderful balance. It gives me an outlet, a much-needed outlet, with feedback. But it constantly amazes me the amount that people put on display, without giving any thought at all, to what they're showing. Or perhaps they're more open than I am, and more willing to just let it hang out? Or maybe they're simply lying, and everything they do or say online is a sham.
I suppose that's fine too, leading an online life separate from the real-world life. People do that in the video games I play all the time. There's even a game *called* that. "Second-life". Whole concept is to have a make-believe life. So perhaps I'm the one who would have it wrong in that case? I'm not sure.
It goes along with the secondary reality theory that's been bopping about in my head again lately. Parallel lines, and...damnit, I'm not even getting started on that, it will just make my brain hurt and I'll end up with a headache again. That is not conducive to the next couple of weeks, so no headaches for me.
It's better than having a chilling emptiness reflected on my features.
The end result, of knowing that I wear a mask a lot of the time, is that most people are unaware of how much expression they portray, the signs they give off with their eyes and facial changes as whatever is going through their minds rearranges their faces for everyone to see. Their easy default is right there to read, and I am very fond of watching people. It's an interesting pasttime.
But I also realized that I have another hobby that I enjoy, and it keys into my people-watching. People have a default expression, but most people who are intimately linked to music in some fashion, will also have a 'default' switch for music as well. They're drawn to lyrics, things that will give them away unconsciously as they stream their choices for people.
This age of technology, where everyone is so linked together and connected, and no one puts any thought into what they might or might not show to the world, with their choices for music, for art, for photography, is something I rather enjoy. The choices people make in what they like, where their passions lie, show a lot about who they are, and who they believe themselves to be.
I called my playlist on my blog here "music to suit my mood", for a reason. Because I accept that I go through moods, and they're ever-changing. I was conscious of what I was putting up, when I select various songs, and the lyrics that are associated with them. A lot of people are not as conscious of what such things might say about them. The first song on my playlist was dedicated to me almost half a lifetime ago, in one of the darkest times of my life, when it was pointed out to me that I was so closed off from everyone as to be almost dead, and the only person who couldn't see it, was me. My friends, then, tried to save me. They couldn't...that failing was mine. I wasn't ready then. But that song, and what it reminds me of, has stayed with me for the rest of my life. As a gentle reminder of something I don't need to be.
There is an amazing forum for watching what people make available to people to dissect of their personalities online now. It's part of why I like the blogosphere. Half anonymity, half personal expression. It's why I write, because for me it's a wonderful balance. It gives me an outlet, a much-needed outlet, with feedback. But it constantly amazes me the amount that people put on display, without giving any thought at all, to what they're showing. Or perhaps they're more open than I am, and more willing to just let it hang out? Or maybe they're simply lying, and everything they do or say online is a sham.
I suppose that's fine too, leading an online life separate from the real-world life. People do that in the video games I play all the time. There's even a game *called* that. "Second-life". Whole concept is to have a make-believe life. So perhaps I'm the one who would have it wrong in that case? I'm not sure.
It goes along with the secondary reality theory that's been bopping about in my head again lately. Parallel lines, and...damnit, I'm not even getting started on that, it will just make my brain hurt and I'll end up with a headache again. That is not conducive to the next couple of weeks, so no headaches for me.
Friday, January 23, 2009
It's SexyTime!
Hehe, actually that's someone's profile name on OKcupid, well, not the entire name, but part of it, and it amuses the hell out of me, and I told him so when he messaged me. Who would have thought that I could have so much fun on a site that's geared for meeting people and making friends or dating? I didn't, actually. But as it turns out, I'm having a lot of fun there. I've met several people who are fun, and interesting, and some who are just plain freaky. It takes all kinds, right?
For whatever reason, I evidently seem to attract a lot of 40-50 year old "good Christian" men, who "love the Lord", even though my profile clearly states that I'm not Christian. It's pretty funny. And it also clearly states I'm not looking for relationships and I'm only there for friends and penpals.
But whatever, I'm still having fun.
Oh. Yes. Must can has a cheezeburgers *with fries* :P
Love, me!
For whatever reason, I evidently seem to attract a lot of 40-50 year old "good Christian" men, who "love the Lord", even though my profile clearly states that I'm not Christian. It's pretty funny. And it also clearly states I'm not looking for relationships and I'm only there for friends and penpals.
But whatever, I'm still having fun.
Oh. Yes. Must can has a cheezeburgers *with fries* :P
Love, me!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The reasons, asking questions, and the way things are
There are scars on my scalp. They're easily felt, if someone is close enough to me to have their hands in my hair, on my head. If I trust enough to let them place their hands on me. I am...disinclined to give that permission often, without a reason. There are reasons for that. Will I always explain myself? No, not generally. Do I have anything to hide? No, actually, I don't.
I'm not ashamed of who I am, of my past. Do I publicize it? No, there's no reason to. By the same token, I don't have it tattooed on my forearms or forehead. And some of that past I can't remember. Whether people believe that or not? Is irrelevant to me now. The people who matter to me know and understand. The people who will matter in future? Will also know, and understand, and to them I will most likely choose to explain myself.
It was brought to my attention today that I simply don't give a damn about who people were five years ago, ten years ago, however long ago it might be. I care about who they are today. I don't need fancy explanations of what brought them to the point they're at in their lives, if I choose to accept them into mine. I don't need to know who they were. I'm not big on labels, nor do I care what someone did.
We've *all* made mistakes. No one is perfect, and if you claim to be? Then you're a liar, because *NO ONE* is perfect and pure. We're all flawed in one way or another, and that's what makes us all human. And I'm not looking for someone to be perfect, and pure, and flawless. Human is just fine with me.
I have no room to judge anyone for their shortcomings, gods know I have enough of my own to fill a book. I simply want to know the person you've made yourself now, and see who that is. I'm curious that way. What makes your mind tick? What do you think about, when you're watching the people go by? Why do you like the color blue, instead of the color green, and why? Or vice versa? Those are the things that interest me.
I'd like to know what your favorite foods are, and whether you can cook them, and if not, why not. Do you not like cooking? Or do you simply burn water, and it's your mortal enemy, the way baking cookies is a failing of mine.
Do you sleep cuddled close to someone? Do you roll to the edge of the bed? Steal the covers? Sleep rolled in a blanket? Do you sing in the shower? Hold conversations in your head about inane things like whether you remembered to feed the family pet? Stupid details that build someone into a person, myriad things that make you, *you*.
Who you were ten years ago? Would any of those answers be the same? Probably not. I know that most of mine would not be. I'm not altogether sure of that, but I'm betting most of mine would not be.
And for that reason, I simply don't care about the details of who you were. It's why I don't need to ask all the questions most people feel a need to ask, and are just itching to know every little thing about your childhood, and that sort of thing.
I don't need someone to ask me a million questions about a past that I can't answer, even if I wanted to. And because of it, I don't want to ask a million questions about a person's past that I realize, more acutely than most people, doesn't make a person who they are today.
You truly can make an entire life for yourself, independent of anything to do with any aspect of a life lived a decade ago.
I'm not ashamed of who I am, of my past. Do I publicize it? No, there's no reason to. By the same token, I don't have it tattooed on my forearms or forehead. And some of that past I can't remember. Whether people believe that or not? Is irrelevant to me now. The people who matter to me know and understand. The people who will matter in future? Will also know, and understand, and to them I will most likely choose to explain myself.
It was brought to my attention today that I simply don't give a damn about who people were five years ago, ten years ago, however long ago it might be. I care about who they are today. I don't need fancy explanations of what brought them to the point they're at in their lives, if I choose to accept them into mine. I don't need to know who they were. I'm not big on labels, nor do I care what someone did.
We've *all* made mistakes. No one is perfect, and if you claim to be? Then you're a liar, because *NO ONE* is perfect and pure. We're all flawed in one way or another, and that's what makes us all human. And I'm not looking for someone to be perfect, and pure, and flawless. Human is just fine with me.
I have no room to judge anyone for their shortcomings, gods know I have enough of my own to fill a book. I simply want to know the person you've made yourself now, and see who that is. I'm curious that way. What makes your mind tick? What do you think about, when you're watching the people go by? Why do you like the color blue, instead of the color green, and why? Or vice versa? Those are the things that interest me.
I'd like to know what your favorite foods are, and whether you can cook them, and if not, why not. Do you not like cooking? Or do you simply burn water, and it's your mortal enemy, the way baking cookies is a failing of mine.
Do you sleep cuddled close to someone? Do you roll to the edge of the bed? Steal the covers? Sleep rolled in a blanket? Do you sing in the shower? Hold conversations in your head about inane things like whether you remembered to feed the family pet? Stupid details that build someone into a person, myriad things that make you, *you*.
Who you were ten years ago? Would any of those answers be the same? Probably not. I know that most of mine would not be. I'm not altogether sure of that, but I'm betting most of mine would not be.
And for that reason, I simply don't care about the details of who you were. It's why I don't need to ask all the questions most people feel a need to ask, and are just itching to know every little thing about your childhood, and that sort of thing.
I don't need someone to ask me a million questions about a past that I can't answer, even if I wanted to. And because of it, I don't want to ask a million questions about a person's past that I realize, more acutely than most people, doesn't make a person who they are today.
You truly can make an entire life for yourself, independent of anything to do with any aspect of a life lived a decade ago.
A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime
When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person
When someone is in your life for a reason
It is usually to meet a need you have expressed
They have come to assist you through a difficulty
To provide you with guidance and support
To aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually
They may seem like they are sent from the gods and they are
They are there for the reason you need them to be
Then, without any wrong doing on your part
Or at an inconvenient time
This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end
Sometimes they die
Sometimes they walk away
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand
What we must realize is that our need has been met
Your desire fulfilled
Their work is done
The prayer you sent up has been answered
Now it is time to move on
When people come into your life for a season
It is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh
They may teach you something you have never done
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy
Believe it
It is real
But, only for a season
Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons
Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation
Your job is to accept the lesson
Love the person
And put what you have learned to use in all other relationships
All areas of your life
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life
Whether you were a reason
A season
Or a lifetime
I hope I was able to be a blessing to you
Whether it was for a reason
A season
Or a lifetime
When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person
When someone is in your life for a reason
It is usually to meet a need you have expressed
They have come to assist you through a difficulty
To provide you with guidance and support
To aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually
They may seem like they are sent from the gods and they are
They are there for the reason you need them to be
Then, without any wrong doing on your part
Or at an inconvenient time
This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end
Sometimes they die
Sometimes they walk away
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand
What we must realize is that our need has been met
Your desire fulfilled
Their work is done
The prayer you sent up has been answered
Now it is time to move on
When people come into your life for a season
It is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh
They may teach you something you have never done
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy
Believe it
It is real
But, only for a season
Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons
Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation
Your job is to accept the lesson
Love the person
And put what you have learned to use in all other relationships
All areas of your life
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life
Whether you were a reason
A season
Or a lifetime
I hope I was able to be a blessing to you
Whether it was for a reason
A season
Or a lifetime
867-5309 (who could I turn to? You gave me something I could hold on to)
Might be a little random, but that's okay. I need to cut my fingernails, and am actually going to, here shortly. One of them is depressingly weak, and trimming them will strengthen it when it grows back out. It's almost Ezzie bedtime, which means it's also my bedtime, and I'm sleepy.
All snarking aside, I just don't get it. I'm actually about to start apartment hunting, so that at the end of February I can move, and thus no longer be living in the same place I have been. Not that I don't like my apartment, but I simply no longer want to be living where anyone knows where I am. I'll be changing out my phone numbers at the same time, and not leaving a forwarding number, and aside from this blog, I'll be shutting down the MySpace account and Facebook I have, and if I put new ones online, they won't be listed with my own name at all. I guess it's gotten to that point.
That sort of makes me sad. But the truth of the matter is that all of it has long since gone on more than long enough. Some of that's my fault, and some of it isn't, and I can't even see the line anymore. And I don't care anymore. I just want to not think about it. I wish that this city was bigger, and there was no chance of randomly seeing him on the street, but I can deal with and cope with that. I realized that when I caught sight of him, and realized how trivial it's all become. But the idea of anything beyond that? No, I don't think so.
I'm not sure who it is that's finding it so amusing to fuck with me. Although having given it some thought recently, I'm wondering in retrospect if I'm blaming the correct person. I'd forgotten the types of games people like to play, and suddenly am wondering, not that it matters much. I won't be available for anyone to push those buttons at all, and it won't matter anyway.
I found my happy place. I can laugh again, I can smile, and see what might happen without all the weight of the world collapsing on top of me, and my feeling like I was going to break. And I like it here.
I can look at Danny, and things are good now, and we're happy. I can see Phil on the street, and see who he is, and not fall to pieces. I'm whole again. The broken pieces that had me falling to my knees at the thought of my life without them in it? Those pieces have either healed, or aren't going to, and I've dealt with it.
And that's fine now, and moving on, and living in a new place, surrounding myself with things that have no connotations to those parts of my life, is simply one more step down a road I've been walking on for a while now. A road I plan to continue walking on, seeing where it leads me.
I'm stronger now, than I have been in a while. I won't say that I'm healthier now, because I'm not. But I am stronger, emotionally and physically than I have been in quite some time. I'm not as fragile as I was. I have begun to deal in a different way with things, than I used to.
We shall see, how it goes from here.
All snarking aside, I just don't get it. I'm actually about to start apartment hunting, so that at the end of February I can move, and thus no longer be living in the same place I have been. Not that I don't like my apartment, but I simply no longer want to be living where anyone knows where I am. I'll be changing out my phone numbers at the same time, and not leaving a forwarding number, and aside from this blog, I'll be shutting down the MySpace account and Facebook I have, and if I put new ones online, they won't be listed with my own name at all. I guess it's gotten to that point.
That sort of makes me sad. But the truth of the matter is that all of it has long since gone on more than long enough. Some of that's my fault, and some of it isn't, and I can't even see the line anymore. And I don't care anymore. I just want to not think about it. I wish that this city was bigger, and there was no chance of randomly seeing him on the street, but I can deal with and cope with that. I realized that when I caught sight of him, and realized how trivial it's all become. But the idea of anything beyond that? No, I don't think so.
I'm not sure who it is that's finding it so amusing to fuck with me. Although having given it some thought recently, I'm wondering in retrospect if I'm blaming the correct person. I'd forgotten the types of games people like to play, and suddenly am wondering, not that it matters much. I won't be available for anyone to push those buttons at all, and it won't matter anyway.
I found my happy place. I can laugh again, I can smile, and see what might happen without all the weight of the world collapsing on top of me, and my feeling like I was going to break. And I like it here.
I can look at Danny, and things are good now, and we're happy. I can see Phil on the street, and see who he is, and not fall to pieces. I'm whole again. The broken pieces that had me falling to my knees at the thought of my life without them in it? Those pieces have either healed, or aren't going to, and I've dealt with it.
And that's fine now, and moving on, and living in a new place, surrounding myself with things that have no connotations to those parts of my life, is simply one more step down a road I've been walking on for a while now. A road I plan to continue walking on, seeing where it leads me.
I'm stronger now, than I have been in a while. I won't say that I'm healthier now, because I'm not. But I am stronger, emotionally and physically than I have been in quite some time. I'm not as fragile as I was. I have begun to deal in a different way with things, than I used to.
We shall see, how it goes from here.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
As always, Thanks MetaFilter!
I picked this up on MetaFilter, it's from a site called MoodGYM, and it's an interactive self-help place, to help cope with, and learn to work with behaviour modification of depression and rechanneling, well, a lot of things. If you spend the time, and the effort, it can help, not necessarily in place of therapy, but sort of as an addition to therapy. Because sometimes, blogging or journalling isn't always enough.
At any rate, it's worth a look, and checking out, if you're having trouble coping with your life, and handling problems, and are genuinely willing to devote the time to improving yourself, and looking toward the positive instead of the negative.
At any rate, it's worth a look, and checking out, if you're having trouble coping with your life, and handling problems, and are genuinely willing to devote the time to improving yourself, and looking toward the positive instead of the negative.
Random spotting of the blue shoe
Out on Willow today, Mona and I spotted the blue shoe. It was...strange. He really does look silly without the facial hair. *How* did I miss that? Really? Was I that completely oblivious for that six month period? I guess I might have completely lost my mind during that time, and perhaps this means that I may have finally found it again? That would be good.
She and I talked about it while we played at Trader Joe's and bought many happy munchies to eat while we watched the freaky-ass movie we're currently watching. Me and horror movies? Not so much, as I'm easily spooked. And I have to say, I'm really grateful to have my surround sound back!
And japanese ice cream ball puff things? Are...strange. Not bad, just peculiar.
So, school is going well, all systems go. I'm flat fucking broke, because of having to pay for books that I didn't expect to have to buy, and a couple of teachers changing out the books I needed, but things are going well. It's a damn good thing that I don't have to be on campus daily, because if I had to, I'd be completely screwed. I wouldn't be able to swing the gas for it. I love my car, but it's a gas guzzler, and prices are steadily climbing again. Kind of sucks.
But other than the lousy prices on gas, and books, things are looking up :)
Oh, the banana bread did turn out well, and so did my spaghetti the other day. It simmered all night overnight, and it was awesome. I was thrilled. I've also got a handful of new bread recipes to try out, because I got ingredients instead of mixes recently, to save some money. I'm hoping that it'll work out in the end.
She and I talked about it while we played at Trader Joe's and bought many happy munchies to eat while we watched the freaky-ass movie we're currently watching. Me and horror movies? Not so much, as I'm easily spooked. And I have to say, I'm really grateful to have my surround sound back!
And japanese ice cream ball puff things? Are...strange. Not bad, just peculiar.
So, school is going well, all systems go. I'm flat fucking broke, because of having to pay for books that I didn't expect to have to buy, and a couple of teachers changing out the books I needed, but things are going well. It's a damn good thing that I don't have to be on campus daily, because if I had to, I'd be completely screwed. I wouldn't be able to swing the gas for it. I love my car, but it's a gas guzzler, and prices are steadily climbing again. Kind of sucks.
But other than the lousy prices on gas, and books, things are looking up :)
Oh, the banana bread did turn out well, and so did my spaghetti the other day. It simmered all night overnight, and it was awesome. I was thrilled. I've also got a handful of new bread recipes to try out, because I got ingredients instead of mixes recently, to save some money. I'm hoping that it'll work out in the end.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Hypocrisy - Stupidity - Deceit: On Parade!
It's a good title, if nothing else. Well, there are accurate aspects to it, as well, but it was still kind of comical. At any rate: So I've decided that if I'm on the quasi-hypocrite bandwagon, so be it. I had a really good time today, and that was a lot of fun.
And it occurred to me, while I was having a conversation, because my brain's been jumping around in these really weird circles lately, that almost everyone, including me, is a little bit two-faced. Be it intentionally, or not, everyone is. Sometimes, it's two-faced in a way that's meant to protect people's feelings, sort of a little-white-lie kind of thing. You don't tell everyone everything, because you don't want them to be hurt. But in the end, the lie still doesn't justify the means.
And I realized that was making me just as much of a hypocrite as it makes others, and it bothered me. It would have been massively easier to tell the little white lie. Of course it would have, and it would have saved a little bit of bruised feelings and that would have been great. Until a few weeks from now, when someone mentions something, and everything gets blown to hell, and then the little white lie becomes a big huge deal. And that isn't worth it to me.
Which is what I said. That's fairly normal for me, as a matter of fact. I'm the bearer of bad tidings, the person that can be more or less counted on to tell it like it is, even when no one wants to hear it.
And I realized, as I was about to do something that would have been easier, that I'd been doing it a fair bit lately, taking the easier way. And I don't like it. So I stopped, checked myself, and explained my reasons. I appreciated being understood, even though the other party wasn't thrilled with me. But I'm tired of compromising my morals for other people, to make things easier in the short term.
I liked me better, when I didn't do that. I don't like being two-faced, even for good-hearted reasons.
As for stupidity on parade? I saw Stew last night, and much to his amusement, I had to ask, do we all wear blinders when we're in love? Because, honestly? Evidently, we do. And he laughed at me, and pointed out that yes, what I'm seeing now, is what everyone has always seen, and yes, I'm no longer sporting the rose-coloured glasses. Welcome to reality, please take a ticket. It was pretty funny.
And deceit on parade, it's kind of self-explanatory, people are always going to be deceitful, they're always going to keep sneaking around, and telling lies. Because they can, because some people just don't have any qualms about hurting others, and getting all they can, and being sociopathic. And that's just how it is. And for whatever reason, those people always seem to land on their feet, and always have someone to keep a nice soft bed under them, a roof over them, and body to hold them. Someone always pays their way, and keeps things going for them. I'll never quite understand it, but there it is.
That's my two cents for the evening. Now, it's back to the grind :)
And it occurred to me, while I was having a conversation, because my brain's been jumping around in these really weird circles lately, that almost everyone, including me, is a little bit two-faced. Be it intentionally, or not, everyone is. Sometimes, it's two-faced in a way that's meant to protect people's feelings, sort of a little-white-lie kind of thing. You don't tell everyone everything, because you don't want them to be hurt. But in the end, the lie still doesn't justify the means.
And I realized that was making me just as much of a hypocrite as it makes others, and it bothered me. It would have been massively easier to tell the little white lie. Of course it would have, and it would have saved a little bit of bruised feelings and that would have been great. Until a few weeks from now, when someone mentions something, and everything gets blown to hell, and then the little white lie becomes a big huge deal. And that isn't worth it to me.
Which is what I said. That's fairly normal for me, as a matter of fact. I'm the bearer of bad tidings, the person that can be more or less counted on to tell it like it is, even when no one wants to hear it.
And I realized, as I was about to do something that would have been easier, that I'd been doing it a fair bit lately, taking the easier way. And I don't like it. So I stopped, checked myself, and explained my reasons. I appreciated being understood, even though the other party wasn't thrilled with me. But I'm tired of compromising my morals for other people, to make things easier in the short term.
I liked me better, when I didn't do that. I don't like being two-faced, even for good-hearted reasons.
As for stupidity on parade? I saw Stew last night, and much to his amusement, I had to ask, do we all wear blinders when we're in love? Because, honestly? Evidently, we do. And he laughed at me, and pointed out that yes, what I'm seeing now, is what everyone has always seen, and yes, I'm no longer sporting the rose-coloured glasses. Welcome to reality, please take a ticket. It was pretty funny.
And deceit on parade, it's kind of self-explanatory, people are always going to be deceitful, they're always going to keep sneaking around, and telling lies. Because they can, because some people just don't have any qualms about hurting others, and getting all they can, and being sociopathic. And that's just how it is. And for whatever reason, those people always seem to land on their feet, and always have someone to keep a nice soft bed under them, a roof over them, and body to hold them. Someone always pays their way, and keeps things going for them. I'll never quite understand it, but there it is.
That's my two cents for the evening. Now, it's back to the grind :)
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Attempt #1: Whole wheat banana bread
We shall see how it goes, using the new machine. I just started it running, with the ingredients...Whole wheat banana bread! Take one!
** EDIT **
SUCCESS!!! It turned out very well indeed :) I took some to the Stewie, and I ate some myself, it was wonderful :)
** EDIT **
SUCCESS!!! It turned out very well indeed :) I took some to the Stewie, and I ate some myself, it was wonderful :)
Saturday, January 17, 2009
How far I've come, and where I'm going
I was having a conversation yesterday, and I realized when I made this statement, that it was true:
"While, yes, I'm still angry at times? I want them to be happy. They deserve to be happy, the same way I do. I don't begrudge anyone that anymore."
And yes, I'm still angry about some things, I'm not perfect. I'm never going to be, and that's alright. But I've come a long way, and I'm getting better. Who I am? I'm not sure who that is, exactly. And that's fine now too. But I'm not walking around as a huge ball of pain anymore, wanting revenge, or wanting to cry, or wanting things the way they used to be.
I have dreams now, goals, places in my life that I'm going. They're not as clearly defined as I might want them to be, and that's fine too. Because there's a path, and I'm following it. It doesn't need to be perfectly straight, because that isn't my way. And my way is the one that's right *for me*.
But when I said the words, that I wanted people, the ones I used to know, the people I used to love? To be happy? It was true, and that made me happy, to know that I don't begrudge them their happiness. I don't envy them, and I don't want their lives to be worse, so that mine can be better.
The simple truth of the matter is, that my life is actually, on the whole, getting better, day by day. No one's life is wonderful all the time.
For me, for my life, for the last nearly year, I have been incredibly stupid. And in my blind pain, and in my rage, I forgot something that I really wish I hadn't. And I came face-to-face with it, recently, because some of my medications have stopped working, and my health has gone into a backwards spin. I very nearly died, in 2004. I was told that I was going to. For all intents and purposes, what I had was terminal, and it was through a medical miracle, and my having been strong enough, and scared enough, and brave enough, to be willing to let them try to save me, that I'm still alive. And I know that.
But I could easily, not be. And I could just as easily not be *me*. I could be living a half-life, with no ability to communicate. I could be paralyzed. There were *so many* things that could have gone wrong, that didn't. What happened in 2004 gave me a second chance, and I took it. And I have worked at making sure I took good care of myself since then.
And when they finally figured out what the rest of what's broken in me was, and started treating me for it, I have followed to the letter, what the doctor's told me to do. Because I appreciate the second chance I got. And for the last year, I have had my head shoved so far up my ass, that I thought the world was ending...because I got dumped? And that's just lame. And it wasn't until recently, when my medications stopped doing what they're supposed to do, and reality came crashing in on me, that I suddenly realized that I was being colossally stupid.
And I've made an abrupt about-face, because I'm not going to keep being that dumb. I have too much going for me, and I have too much to appreciate, to keep dwelling on anything except my *life*, and what I have, and what I can make of it. I appreciate the life I've been given, and I will continue to appreciate that with every breath I draw, until I can't anymore.
That's the gift I was handed nearly five years ago, and one I'm not ready to give up yet. I will continue to keep doing what I'm doing, and living the life I'm living, and improving who I am and who I'll be and become, every day, because that's who I am now.
Because, you know what?
I am my father's daughter. I am the daughter of *BOTH* of my fathers.
SO THERE.
"While, yes, I'm still angry at times? I want them to be happy. They deserve to be happy, the same way I do. I don't begrudge anyone that anymore."
And yes, I'm still angry about some things, I'm not perfect. I'm never going to be, and that's alright. But I've come a long way, and I'm getting better. Who I am? I'm not sure who that is, exactly. And that's fine now too. But I'm not walking around as a huge ball of pain anymore, wanting revenge, or wanting to cry, or wanting things the way they used to be.
I have dreams now, goals, places in my life that I'm going. They're not as clearly defined as I might want them to be, and that's fine too. Because there's a path, and I'm following it. It doesn't need to be perfectly straight, because that isn't my way. And my way is the one that's right *for me*.
But when I said the words, that I wanted people, the ones I used to know, the people I used to love? To be happy? It was true, and that made me happy, to know that I don't begrudge them their happiness. I don't envy them, and I don't want their lives to be worse, so that mine can be better.
The simple truth of the matter is, that my life is actually, on the whole, getting better, day by day. No one's life is wonderful all the time.
For me, for my life, for the last nearly year, I have been incredibly stupid. And in my blind pain, and in my rage, I forgot something that I really wish I hadn't. And I came face-to-face with it, recently, because some of my medications have stopped working, and my health has gone into a backwards spin. I very nearly died, in 2004. I was told that I was going to. For all intents and purposes, what I had was terminal, and it was through a medical miracle, and my having been strong enough, and scared enough, and brave enough, to be willing to let them try to save me, that I'm still alive. And I know that.
But I could easily, not be. And I could just as easily not be *me*. I could be living a half-life, with no ability to communicate. I could be paralyzed. There were *so many* things that could have gone wrong, that didn't. What happened in 2004 gave me a second chance, and I took it. And I have worked at making sure I took good care of myself since then.
And when they finally figured out what the rest of what's broken in me was, and started treating me for it, I have followed to the letter, what the doctor's told me to do. Because I appreciate the second chance I got. And for the last year, I have had my head shoved so far up my ass, that I thought the world was ending...because I got dumped? And that's just lame. And it wasn't until recently, when my medications stopped doing what they're supposed to do, and reality came crashing in on me, that I suddenly realized that I was being colossally stupid.
And I've made an abrupt about-face, because I'm not going to keep being that dumb. I have too much going for me, and I have too much to appreciate, to keep dwelling on anything except my *life*, and what I have, and what I can make of it. I appreciate the life I've been given, and I will continue to appreciate that with every breath I draw, until I can't anymore.
That's the gift I was handed nearly five years ago, and one I'm not ready to give up yet. I will continue to keep doing what I'm doing, and living the life I'm living, and improving who I am and who I'll be and become, every day, because that's who I am now.
Because, you know what?
I am my father's daughter. I am the daughter of *BOTH* of my fathers.
SO THERE.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Dear Monday, please to be hurrying up. Kthxbi
So, there are preparations for spaghetti sauce to be made, and sourdough bread to be made, and massages in the works. Monday should be rather pleasant indeeeeeed. And footrubs :) Yessssssssss. My precioussssssss. Oh yes. And movies. I wonder if I'll actually *watch* whatever the movies is?
LOL. Ok have a good weekend internets :)
LOL. Ok have a good weekend internets :)
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Now, I wasn't expecting that, exactly
As seen on MSNBC, the story about Adolf Hitler Campbell, and his two younger siblings being removed by protective services from their parents.
I'm kind of torn, since the article didn't really say anything aside from the children were removed. Not that I agree, at all, with naming your children something that is designed to antagonize people, and that will make their lives really difficult. But I'm also not sure I agree with the supporting the right of the state to remove the children unless those parents were actually, you know...injuring the children. Argh. Yes, it's psychological harm as they get older. Sigh.
I'm kind of torn, since the article didn't really say anything aside from the children were removed. Not that I agree, at all, with naming your children something that is designed to antagonize people, and that will make their lives really difficult. But I'm also not sure I agree with the supporting the right of the state to remove the children unless those parents were actually, you know...injuring the children. Argh. Yes, it's psychological harm as they get older. Sigh.
I'm tired. Oh, so tired. I'm tired, and wired, and grey.
Ok, that was terrible, even for me. But whatever. I actually am tired. And in the middle of a shitty lupus flare, brought on by stress. Yay, stress! It makes the world turn! Ain't life fun?
But school is back in session, and I'm glad of that, and think classes are going to be ones I enjoy. Or at least, so I say now, as they get rolling, and will probably be cursing roundly later on, when I'm buried under term papers, and tearing out my hair. That's okay though. Right now, I'm happy that it's back in session.
And I'm going to sleep. I think. I hope. If I can.
No nightmares, right? *RIGHT*?!?!
Ok, that was terrible, even for me. But whatever. I actually am tired. And in the middle of a shitty lupus flare, brought on by stress. Yay, stress! It makes the world turn! Ain't life fun?
But school is back in session, and I'm glad of that, and think classes are going to be ones I enjoy. Or at least, so I say now, as they get rolling, and will probably be cursing roundly later on, when I'm buried under term papers, and tearing out my hair. That's okay though. Right now, I'm happy that it's back in session.
And I'm going to sleep. I think. I hope. If I can.
No nightmares, right? *RIGHT*?!?!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Things that absolutely *suck*
And among them are:
1. Knowing people apparently have no original thoughts of their own, and evidently need to read my blog to garner them. I suppose that could go either way, 'imitation and flattery' and whatnot. Still sucks. Get your own ideas.
2. Not being able to stand up to anyone, when it matters, and not being able to do the things that you want to do.
3. Being accused of being a selfish person, when in fact you aren't, because you simply refuse to keep playing stupid junior high games.
4. Receiving gifts from people that hate me, two hours after I post something here that references them, just to remind me of them.
5. Missing big, bald people randomly.
6. Having 26 lbs of fur leap from your head.
7. Stubbing an already cold toe, which makes it hurt several times worse than necessary.
Oh. And people who are too stubborn for their own good. That sucks too. Who said it to me? Ah, yes, thank you Trinette. Put your damn pride in your pocket if necessary, and grow up. That's how this whole "Being an adult" thing, works. It means that sometimes, you have to be the one who apologizes, and you don't get to manipulate things around to have someone come running, and you don't get to have everything just wash under the bridge. Sometimes, you have to stick your pride in your pocket, and accept that when you tell someone to never speak to you again, and that they mean nothing? Those words are going to stick, and in order to un-stick them? *YOU* might actually have to undo that damage. That is how it works, when someone takes you at your word, and they leave. Third-party messages and insults need not apply. And yes, you run the risk of even personalized messages not working. That's a risk you take. Because that's what being an adult *means*.
1. Knowing people apparently have no original thoughts of their own, and evidently need to read my blog to garner them. I suppose that could go either way, 'imitation and flattery' and whatnot. Still sucks. Get your own ideas.
2. Not being able to stand up to anyone, when it matters, and not being able to do the things that you want to do.
3. Being accused of being a selfish person, when in fact you aren't, because you simply refuse to keep playing stupid junior high games.
4. Receiving gifts from people that hate me, two hours after I post something here that references them, just to remind me of them.
5. Missing big, bald people randomly.
6. Having 26 lbs of fur leap from your head.
7. Stubbing an already cold toe, which makes it hurt several times worse than necessary.
Oh. And people who are too stubborn for their own good. That sucks too. Who said it to me? Ah, yes, thank you Trinette. Put your damn pride in your pocket if necessary, and grow up. That's how this whole "Being an adult" thing, works. It means that sometimes, you have to be the one who apologizes, and you don't get to manipulate things around to have someone come running, and you don't get to have everything just wash under the bridge. Sometimes, you have to stick your pride in your pocket, and accept that when you tell someone to never speak to you again, and that they mean nothing? Those words are going to stick, and in order to un-stick them? *YOU* might actually have to undo that damage. That is how it works, when someone takes you at your word, and they leave. Third-party messages and insults need not apply. And yes, you run the risk of even personalized messages not working. That's a risk you take. Because that's what being an adult *means*.
Monday, January 12, 2009
So I'd like to blame Corey
For my newest playlist of music. It's all his fault. LOL.
If he hadn't been blaring it throughout the raids recently, I wouldn't have it stuck in my head, and I wouldn't in turn be subjecting everyone who logs into my blog to it. So, blame Corey. Muhahahaha.
In other news, school starts...oh, today. And while yes, I should be sleeping, I'm not. However, I have logged in and done more than half of this week's assignment, so it's not as bad as it could be. And I have to go to FCC tomorrow, because one of my professors is the sucktastic, and listed a book wrong, which means I need to buy a different one. Craptastic for the lose. And no choice, because I have to have it like, now, and there's nowhere else to get it this soon. Such is life.
Other than that, I'm gonna head to bed, and attempt to sleep if I can stop being wired with happy because school's back in session, and that means something can go back to normal now. Yippee!
If he hadn't been blaring it throughout the raids recently, I wouldn't have it stuck in my head, and I wouldn't in turn be subjecting everyone who logs into my blog to it. So, blame Corey. Muhahahaha.
In other news, school starts...oh, today. And while yes, I should be sleeping, I'm not. However, I have logged in and done more than half of this week's assignment, so it's not as bad as it could be. And I have to go to FCC tomorrow, because one of my professors is the sucktastic, and listed a book wrong, which means I need to buy a different one. Craptastic for the lose. And no choice, because I have to have it like, now, and there's nowhere else to get it this soon. Such is life.
Other than that, I'm gonna head to bed, and attempt to sleep if I can stop being wired with happy because school's back in session, and that means something can go back to normal now. Yippee!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Like something stitched together, reminiscent of a tapestry
Your absence is noted in everything I do
The threads of fate that wove my tapestry
The pieces spun together to make up my life
For better or worse, those pieces remain
But each day, the threads grow longer
New additions to the tapestry are added
The new threads change my life
The pieces change the whole
Different stitches, a different whole
I note the absence, I see the whole, I watch the threads
Each thread from my past remains
Each time a thread was sundered
Additions were woven in to begin anew
A new frame of life
New pieces, tied with the old, to change the whole
The absences have gone through me
New and brilliant colors have been woven in
I have not forgotten, where the fading threads have been sundered
Fates threads simply made new patterns
Your absence is noted in everything I do
The threads of fate that wove my tapestry
The pieces spun together to make up my life
For better or worse, those pieces remain
But each day, the threads grow longer
New additions to the tapestry are added
The new threads change my life
The pieces change the whole
Different stitches, a different whole
I note the absence, I see the whole, I watch the threads
Each thread from my past remains
Each time a thread was sundered
Additions were woven in to begin anew
A new frame of life
New pieces, tied with the old, to change the whole
The absences have gone through me
New and brilliant colors have been woven in
I have not forgotten, where the fading threads have been sundered
Fates threads simply made new patterns
Thursday, January 8, 2009
manipulation, threats and insults
I find it curious that people really just can't deal with me. I am evidently a big, scary monster or some variation on that theme. Who knows. But I dislike, intensely, having people attempt to manipulate me.
I grow weary of getting messages telling me this, that, or the other things, and telling me to go and talk to this person or that person. Someone wants to know something, and I need to go make up with someone. Don't I miss them? Don't I love them anymore? You know what? I was told to piss off, and leave them alone. Go away, and not come back. Those choices were made by *everyone else*, and I had to deal with them. And it sucked.
And then, after what I guess was supposed to be a suitable amount of time, and they decided they weren't "mad at me" anymore? Or they were no longer pissy, or whatever variation on the theme? Fuck, I don't know. I had been punished enough? Then, hey, time to go ahead, and grant me some kind of forgiveness? Yeah, tired of that.
I'm tired of being granted forgiveness for shit when I didn't actually do anything wrong. I'm not apologizing for things when I didn't try to hurt anyone. And I'm sick of being slapped around, and broken, simply because everyone *else* gets a stick up their ass, and I'm a handy target. It's bullshit.
And now? Sending out the minions, and when I don't do or say, or feel the way I'm supposed to? And fall in line? Being told I'm a selfish bitch, and that I should have just gone and fucking killed myself, and saved everyone the trouble? This is equally bullshit. I didn't deserve that, any of it. Getting cute little queries about what kind of person I am, and how obviously I really am a shitty person, since I've lost everyone important to me, the same way I lost my kid.
Well, a: that's no one's business. And b: that isn't true. I'm so fucking sick of this crap. I'm not even sure who started the rumor mill going again, and I don't really care at this point. But I'm tired of it.
Getting sick doesn't make me a horrible person. It doesn't make me a defunct person. It doesn't make me less of a person. Being an asshole, and spreading bullshit rumors simply because you're bent out of shape? That isn't a reflection on *me*. I never actually did respond, didn't say anything at all, and apparently that just fanned the flames, which is kind of sad. It used to be that trolls only got more upset, if you fed them. Apparently there's a new kind of troll in town, and they respond if you ignore them. Who would've thought that doing the mature thing, and not saying anything, would make things worse?
I certainly didn't. I don't quite belong anywhere, apparently. And I'm sorry about that, but mostly because I'm now being very, very careful about where I step, and what I say. To everyone.
Things are actually going decently for me, and I'm trying to keep it that way. It's not sunshine and rainbows. There are still problems, and pockets of dissent and turmoil. But I'm keeping things quiet, and steady, and I'm doing okay. I don't quite understand why it is that people feel a need to try and manipulate me into doing what I don't want to do. Why, when I don't fall into the way they want it, they issue insults and tell me nasty things designed to hurt me. I just want to be left alone and in peace.
When everyone told me to fuck off, and leave them alone, that's what I did. I'm sorry that now, they don't like the choices they made, but that isn't my fault, precisely. For months, people have beaten me over the head wanting to know why I kept repeating cycles that kept hurting me. Why I wouldn't just walk away, and leave alone things that kept hurting me? Well, see, the thing is, that now? I have walked away, and am leaving alone things that are hurting me.
I walked away, and left Phil alone. I walked away, and left alone everyone else that can hurt me. The people who told me to leave? I left alone now. The trouble is that, as always, it doesn't apply to them, except when it's convenient for them. I've stopped trying to maintain relationships with people who don't want me, except when it's handy for them. Because that's how it felt, to be kicked, hard, for trying to help, and then broken, and left bleeding. I finally listened, when told to go, and not come back. And I'm sorry, that after being told, over and over, that it's inconvenient to everyone that now, I suddenly realized that trying to salvage something that hurts me? Just...isn't worth it.
Maybe it would be nice to be able to walk down the streets here in town, and see people I used to know, and have them acknowledge me. But at the same time? I know that isn't going to happen. I never know if they're going to be people who hate me, because the memories I have of people, and the memories they have of me, don't always match. And I've learned that, the hard way, more times than I can count, over the years. So I've *finally* stopped trying. And I won't say it's stopped hurting. But at least I'm not tearing open a wound that starts to heal, and I'm not constantly ripping myself apart.
I can't and won't keep doing it. I don't have "old" friends. I don't have "new" friends. I don't really have...anything. There are just kind of people who are around, and that's enough. Because it's easier that way. And maybe I'll make "friends", once I finally leave here, and leave behind the pieces of a shattered past, where I don't remember, and where things aren't attacking me constantly, simply for having existed. But while I stay here, I'll just do what I'm doing, and keep things quiet, and as sane as I can make it, and get by. And that's enough.
But I don't need people telling me to go and kill myself, and save myself and everyone else the trouble. There's no call for that. I'm not bothering anyone. I don't want to have to focus only on hurting, to know that I'm still alive. It isn't fair, and I don't want that anymore.
I grow weary of getting messages telling me this, that, or the other things, and telling me to go and talk to this person or that person. Someone wants to know something, and I need to go make up with someone. Don't I miss them? Don't I love them anymore? You know what? I was told to piss off, and leave them alone. Go away, and not come back. Those choices were made by *everyone else*, and I had to deal with them. And it sucked.
And then, after what I guess was supposed to be a suitable amount of time, and they decided they weren't "mad at me" anymore? Or they were no longer pissy, or whatever variation on the theme? Fuck, I don't know. I had been punished enough? Then, hey, time to go ahead, and grant me some kind of forgiveness? Yeah, tired of that.
I'm tired of being granted forgiveness for shit when I didn't actually do anything wrong. I'm not apologizing for things when I didn't try to hurt anyone. And I'm sick of being slapped around, and broken, simply because everyone *else* gets a stick up their ass, and I'm a handy target. It's bullshit.
And now? Sending out the minions, and when I don't do or say, or feel the way I'm supposed to? And fall in line? Being told I'm a selfish bitch, and that I should have just gone and fucking killed myself, and saved everyone the trouble? This is equally bullshit. I didn't deserve that, any of it. Getting cute little queries about what kind of person I am, and how obviously I really am a shitty person, since I've lost everyone important to me, the same way I lost my kid.
Well, a: that's no one's business. And b: that isn't true. I'm so fucking sick of this crap. I'm not even sure who started the rumor mill going again, and I don't really care at this point. But I'm tired of it.
Getting sick doesn't make me a horrible person. It doesn't make me a defunct person. It doesn't make me less of a person. Being an asshole, and spreading bullshit rumors simply because you're bent out of shape? That isn't a reflection on *me*. I never actually did respond, didn't say anything at all, and apparently that just fanned the flames, which is kind of sad. It used to be that trolls only got more upset, if you fed them. Apparently there's a new kind of troll in town, and they respond if you ignore them. Who would've thought that doing the mature thing, and not saying anything, would make things worse?
I certainly didn't. I don't quite belong anywhere, apparently. And I'm sorry about that, but mostly because I'm now being very, very careful about where I step, and what I say. To everyone.
Things are actually going decently for me, and I'm trying to keep it that way. It's not sunshine and rainbows. There are still problems, and pockets of dissent and turmoil. But I'm keeping things quiet, and steady, and I'm doing okay. I don't quite understand why it is that people feel a need to try and manipulate me into doing what I don't want to do. Why, when I don't fall into the way they want it, they issue insults and tell me nasty things designed to hurt me. I just want to be left alone and in peace.
When everyone told me to fuck off, and leave them alone, that's what I did. I'm sorry that now, they don't like the choices they made, but that isn't my fault, precisely. For months, people have beaten me over the head wanting to know why I kept repeating cycles that kept hurting me. Why I wouldn't just walk away, and leave alone things that kept hurting me? Well, see, the thing is, that now? I have walked away, and am leaving alone things that are hurting me.
I walked away, and left Phil alone. I walked away, and left alone everyone else that can hurt me. The people who told me to leave? I left alone now. The trouble is that, as always, it doesn't apply to them, except when it's convenient for them. I've stopped trying to maintain relationships with people who don't want me, except when it's handy for them. Because that's how it felt, to be kicked, hard, for trying to help, and then broken, and left bleeding. I finally listened, when told to go, and not come back. And I'm sorry, that after being told, over and over, that it's inconvenient to everyone that now, I suddenly realized that trying to salvage something that hurts me? Just...isn't worth it.
Maybe it would be nice to be able to walk down the streets here in town, and see people I used to know, and have them acknowledge me. But at the same time? I know that isn't going to happen. I never know if they're going to be people who hate me, because the memories I have of people, and the memories they have of me, don't always match. And I've learned that, the hard way, more times than I can count, over the years. So I've *finally* stopped trying. And I won't say it's stopped hurting. But at least I'm not tearing open a wound that starts to heal, and I'm not constantly ripping myself apart.
I can't and won't keep doing it. I don't have "old" friends. I don't have "new" friends. I don't really have...anything. There are just kind of people who are around, and that's enough. Because it's easier that way. And maybe I'll make "friends", once I finally leave here, and leave behind the pieces of a shattered past, where I don't remember, and where things aren't attacking me constantly, simply for having existed. But while I stay here, I'll just do what I'm doing, and keep things quiet, and as sane as I can make it, and get by. And that's enough.
But I don't need people telling me to go and kill myself, and save myself and everyone else the trouble. There's no call for that. I'm not bothering anyone. I don't want to have to focus only on hurting, to know that I'm still alive. It isn't fair, and I don't want that anymore.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy New Year 2009
I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.
--Agatha Christie
People don't ever seem to realize that doing what's right is no guarantee against misfortune.
--William McFee
Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it.
Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it.
Hatred darkens life; love illumines it.
--Martin Luther King, Jr.
Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens. Circumstances and situations do color life but you have been given the mind to choose what the color shall be.
--John Homer Miller
The summit of happiness is reached when a person is ready to be what he is.
--Erasmus
JUST FOR TODAY, I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
JUST FOR TODAY, I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.
JUST FOR TODAY, I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those I cannot.
JUST FOR TODAY, I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.
JUST FOR TODAY, I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I'll improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I'll refrain from improving anybody but myself.
JUST FOR TODAY, I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.
JUST FOR TODAY, I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm overweight, I'll eat healthily -- if only just for today. And not only that, I'll get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.
***I bid everyone a happy 2009***
Love, Controversy
--Agatha Christie
People don't ever seem to realize that doing what's right is no guarantee against misfortune.
--William McFee
Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it.
Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it.
Hatred darkens life; love illumines it.
--Martin Luther King, Jr.
Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens. Circumstances and situations do color life but you have been given the mind to choose what the color shall be.
--John Homer Miller
The summit of happiness is reached when a person is ready to be what he is.
--Erasmus
JUST FOR TODAY, I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
JUST FOR TODAY, I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.
JUST FOR TODAY, I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those I cannot.
JUST FOR TODAY, I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.
JUST FOR TODAY, I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I'll improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I'll refrain from improving anybody but myself.
JUST FOR TODAY, I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.
JUST FOR TODAY, I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm overweight, I'll eat healthily -- if only just for today. And not only that, I'll get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.
***I bid everyone a happy 2009***
Love, Controversy
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