And the results of three months of confusion...

are finally in. I had...have? It's called blighted ovum, and I guess I still have it. My body still is pregnant, which is why my hormones are still so screwballed. I will be, until I get some pills from my doctor to cause me to have a cycle to abort the fetus. The baby started, but couldn't continue, something was either wrong with it, or some variation on that. And so it died...but my body didn't naturally abort it. Which is why I'm so screwed up right now. I'll be okay. It's just as well, because being tied to Phillip wouldn't have been good, not right now. Not with all the drama with him, and Colleen and all the bullshit. He walked out, without even caring what was going on.

From the measurements, the baby died at right about the same time he left anyhow. I guess it was never meant to be. My little gestational sac was six weeks along. And it never kept going. I guess I'm not capable of carrying Phillip's baby. Maybe nobody is. I'll probably never know anyhow.

It doesn't matter now anyhow, I have bigger problems. The tech obviously found other things on the ultrasound she was doing, and I'll be meeting with my doctor in another couple of weeks to find out exactly what those are. She took more than 100 ultrasound pictures, of my ovaries, kidneys, heart, liver, gallbladder. I don't know why, since a lot of those weren't even ordered to have been taken. She obviously found something, and followed up on whatever it was. And I don't know anymore than that, and will simply have to wait and see. I have my own theories, but will wait to find out.

I'm relieved that I'm not pregnant, and can simply move forward now, without needing to worry any further on that front.

I'll go back on my regular medications, and will be calling to reschedule my MRI, because I had postponed it since they don't do MRI's on pregnant women. It was a just-in-case kind of thing.

In other news, Trinette is moving out sometime this weekend, and so I'll be working more than I had originally intended, because I'll be needing to be able to float the apartment alone a lot sooner than planned. All my plans have moved up by six months. Everybody wish me luck, I'm probably going to need it. I think I'll be okay, but still, wish me luck. I'm still not altogether sure how I'm going to make the rent for July. Nowhere in my original plans was needing to be able to carry everything alone quite this soon, so I'm sort of freaking out quietly here in my corner of the world.

Other than that, I'm just getting by.

Where'd you go? Feels like it's been forever

Yeah, more morose blogging. Skip to the bottom if you don't want to see me being morose.

And no, I'm not sitting around clutching my phone, desperately wanting to call the rat bastard. I'm not that far gone. But I still miss him. Can't help that. He's an ass, it's not like I've gone nuts or anything. But it doesn't change the fact that it hurts, and he's gone, and *that* hurts. And there are days that I wish I could forget what he did, and things could be the way they were, and I could *not* hurt, ya know?

And no, I don't want sympathy, and I don't want to cry on anyone's shoulder, and I don't want to be comforted. I simply want to not have this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach anymore. I want it to go away, so that things go back to normal, and I've come to the conclusion that there may never be "normal" anymore for me.

In November, when Trinette goes with Steven, might actually be the beginning of "normal" for me, where I actually start to put together something that will be "normal". I don't know what that will be. But it will be something. I'll figure it out. But it'll be something.

In the meantime, I have to go to the fucking post office in the morning, and figure out what happened to my mail. Apparently, I think I've figured out part of the culprit. Mona checked the box for "family" to forward her and Cora and it caused everyone at this address to bounce. And since Trinette was a new tenant, hers got straightened out and hers is now being delivered, but mine's just being rejected and returned to sender, as it has nowhere to forward *to*. Danny and Mona's is going to them, and mine is just going nowhere. Unfortunately, it means SS and the stuff from the doctor and everything else like my bills are all being bounced back. It's a royal pain in the ass. And I need to go get it straightened pronto, because I already notified SS that I'm working, and if they get a bounce back that I don't live here, god only knows what will happen. Like they'll stop giving me my paychecks possibly? It could be *very* bad. So I will go and untangle that tomorrow. And I hope it's a very simple untangle.

I talked to work today, I hit what I needed to hit to get paid, albeit it not being a very big check because it's a pro-rate. But I *did* hit it. So all is well there. I had a manager pull the numbers, so I know I hit what needed to be hit before the end of month tally. Next month will be better, but it was the first month of testing that I was worried about. Next month will be a full run, and I'll be shooting for much higher numbers, and I will have a better idea of when I need to be tied to the keyboard, and how and what I'm doing than I did now, but I needed to hit that pro-rated amount to get paid at all, and to maintain the job. And I did. I'm very happy and pleased with that.

I'm doing alright, I suppose. I'm working, I'm doing all the things I need to be doing. I'm pretty tired lately, because my sleep schedule is all messed up. And while I'm getting *enough* sleep, my body just doesn't know what to think of what I'm up to. And I'm not used to working at all, so perhaps that's why I'm so tired. The stress of knowing I *have* to work. Perhaps that's it? I don't know.

And I know that starting next Saturday, I will be sitting in front of my machine four hours a day, minimum, because I want to pulling down 450 messages a day, every day, to be hitting what I want to be hitting. Whether I like it or not, that's what I need to do. And it isn't an option anymore. I need to be treating it like the full-time job it is, and until I hit those 450 messages, I can't be going out and hanging out, and fucking around. It was okay this month, because I didn't have to hit the higher number that I'm going to need to be hitting next month. But next month I *have* to hit that number. And so it's sitting in front of the computer until I hit that goal. It isn't like transcription, where I had little tapes, and I worked until the work was done, and then I was finished. I have to be logged in until I hit that goal. And then I'm free to play. But I have to stop screwing off. (mental discussion with myself here, nobody else needs to harass me)

In other news, massive thanks to Brandon for fixing my cell phone charger and saving my ass. Esbat freaking ate it. I would've had to go buy a new one, but Brandon repaired it, and saved me money I didn't have to spend, which I am massively grateful to him for. And I'm grateful in advance to him for the moving of my little mini-fridge that he'll be helping me to move tomorrow. Thank you Brandon! I appreciate it more than I can say. Yay for the Ramsey family!

Secret word of the week

Today's word of the week is:

"listless"

incidentally, it's also the word of the day on dictionary.com

And that's it for right now from me, as I think I might actually nap. I'm still dragging ass, for no reason I can discern. I cleaned the kitchen, put my toaster oven back out for use, because I miss it and want it back where I can use it again. I need to clean and move Ezzie's box, which I guess I'll do before I crash out for that nap.

Then I'm going to go and sleep. Ugh.

Ugh

So tired. I am so freaking tired that it's ridiculous. And I have no idea why, because I was actually feeling halfway decently there for a couple of days. But I rather feel like I got hit by a freight train. All I want to do is go to sleep, which is not an option, as I need to work. Queue the suckage. But I have the Vaio up and working, which is making work a lot more pleasant, because I can sit curled up in the corner on my bed instead of at the desk, which is a lot easier on me, so that's good.

I'm going to go and make a cup of tea, and some toast, and curl up and work now, actually. Probably for the rest of the day. I might put a move on on the other computer to play through headphones to listen to while I work, because that will give me sound to listen to. It's pretty neat, the ability to listen to something else while I work. Yay, multi-tasking.

I hope everybody is doing well.

Dana was in town overnight, she got to visit, there are pictures up on my Myspace if anybody wants to see them. It was good to see her. And my little brother is rapidly turning into a giant, he's freaking six feet tall now. It's ridiculous. The kids need to stop doing that, growing up. It's making me nervous. They're good kids though, and I miss them.

OK, going to make tea and whatnot, and then get to work. Yay, monies. (wanders off singing about money)

Byebye internets.

Girlie crap, freaking Brody

A few days ago, I took recent pictures of me








And then today, I went out with Brody, and she went to go get her nails done. And since I was going to be sitting there, she got me a manicure. Now, I've never had one of those done, because I always thought they were lame and pointless, but she got me one, and it was nice. And my nails look pretty. See?



Well, I like them at any rate. And it was nice.

And updates on miscellaneous other things.

I went to the doctor yesterday, for those who are following the weird happenings with that. I'll be going and having my latest MRI, which should come up clear, because it has been for four years, and I see no reason for that to change. And the doctor is scheduling a second ultrasound, because she seems to think that I'm pregnant, even though the first ultrasound picture is complete shit, there does indeed seem to be something visible on it. Based on the picture, and all the symptoms, she's sending me out of the clinic to the hospital to have a real ultrasound, with a real competent tech doing it. And we'll go from there. But since I've not had a period, and all my symptoms refuse to clear up, and there's *something* on that last scan, she wants me checked out thoroughly, and refuses to prescribe me medication, and wants me to continue staying off of mine, except for my anti-seizure meds. I like the new doctor, a lot. They're also going to check out my gallbladder. Yay? So that's what happened at the doctor. Oh, that and my bloodwork came back freaking fabulously. That in and of itself also sparked the doc's curiousity, because the bloodwork shouldn't have been that clear for me.

So off to the hospital I'll go in a couple of weeks, and I'll know more then.

But I had a good day, and my job is going well, and I'm feeling better based on not feeling crazy anymore.

Cheers, everybody!

Secret word of the week

This week's word of the week is going to be:

"smut"

simply because I'm exhausted and can't think of anything more creative, and I need to go jump back into the muck.

Bye

visitors

Ariel was in town today, and she came by to see me, which was cool. I never get to see her, and we were such good friends once that it's depressing that she lives in Sac and I see her so rarely. But she was here, and it was a good visit. And I managed to hit my quota for the day too, after she left, which was good. Yay for the perverts being text fiends.

I'll log in and deal with the smut more later too, but the queue emptied out, so I'm here, updating. Ez is asleep on my bed, and we're both chilling out. Whatever it was that made me so sick as passed as well, so I'm feeling a bit better. The mystery might-be-knocked-up illness is still looming, but the stomach flu or whatever is gone.

I've had an ongoing headache all week, more or less, which is bugging me, but I'm actually feeling moderately good other than that. I'm wondering if the headache might be from stress at whether or not I can successfully pull of being able to do this job. It's been a long time since I had to depend on myself instead of knowing Danny would take care of me.

I think I'm doing okay. I know when I hit the pro-rated quota by the 20th that it will all be okay, and then I can start churning out what I need to know that I'll be able to pull down a decent paycheck, and make the bills myself without Trinette here when she moves out with Steven. It's just scary, and I'm not used to being this scared.

It's just hard, and that's difficult for me to admit to myself. It isn't that I can't take care of the basic day-to-day stuff, it's that I was very used to "me and Danny", and now I know that in a very few short months, it will be just me. I'm finally settling into that. It feels kind of good, actually. Being just me.

Not wondering what I need to do to adapt to having someone else I need to work around. I kind of like being just me. But it's also strange. And the bills is still a pain in the ass. Dealing with social security also sucks. I suspect that one might always suck, no matter what.

But for right now, each day? I'm managing. Sometimes I feel like I could use a little more space, and sometimes a little less, but for the most part, I'm doing alright.

Sick

I've been viciously sick today, which has kind of sucked. I'll be working tonight either way, because I have a quota I need to meet. And I'll be running around tomorrow to take 'Chelle on some errands, and then I'll probably be tied to my computer for the rest of the weekend, to hit the quota for the 21st. Aside from running to the bathroom, that's about all I plan to be doing all weekend, is sitting in front of my computer. Sorry I'm being so boring.

I'll be venting about a few things having to do with Phil and why the blog/myspace/facebook have all been locked down, and why everyone is now invitation only onto the blog, but right now I both feel so lousy and am so miserable, I just don't feel like it.

In other news:

All the labwork that the doctor ran, all 9 tubes of blood are back. And except for my cholesterol being three points high? Everything else came back smashingly good. Which is awesome...but still doesn't tell me what the hell is wrong with me. I haven't had lab work that good in years, honestly. And so now I just don't know what to think.

I don't want to be pregnant. I wake up every single morning, hoping that my cycle will start, and that will completely nix any possibility. Every. Single. Morning. And it sucks. It sucks partly because a couple of months ago, I would have been okay with it, and the fact that now the entire idea makes me sad and depressed, and completely unhappy is definitely not a good thing, and I don't have any control over anything.

Trinette's vote goes to stress, and I know it. Melissa is all about the babies, and so she always thinks a baby is a good thing. I honestly just want to have my cycle start so that it can't be a possibility, and then everything can be normal, and nothing will matter. I'd rather be sick and crazy than have the possibility.

Trinette is making me miso rice soup, because at the moment she's pretty sure I can keep that down, since my stomach has been roiling all day. She luvs me :) Thank you Trin :) I will drink my soup and be happy, even though that tuna stuff smells really good. I know if I throw it up, it will be the bad, and I have NO desire to throw up milk-based anything. Slurpees for the win. She was soooo right about the slurpees.

OK, back to laying down and concentrating on the not being sick.

Buhbye.

When it all falls down

When I need someone, I'll always remember to count on myself. I'll remember that first, and that asking for help didn't result in anything, unless it was for someone else, and never for me, no matter what, even if my job depended on it.

I wonder how it feels?

I wonder that, often, how it feels to be someone else. Someone who is willing to compromise things that I'm not willing to. I'm a very peculiar person a lot of the time. I have an odd moral outlook, and I know it. I don't cheat, I don't lie, I don't steal. I wouldn't compromise my own morals, not for anything. But my own morals are just that, they're mine. And what makes them up isn't written in anyone else's conduct book, that's for certain.

So I look around, and I wonder how it feels, to be able to constantly shift patterns and be able to just switch gears anytime it suits their purposes. Because I just can't do that. I do what I say I'm going to do, when I say I'm going to do it. And I follow through.

Phillip and his constantly fluctuating morality, and his willingness to fuck over whoever he needs to to suit his own personal purposes at any given time both confuses me and frustrated me, because I just couldn't do it. And in the end, it's why I couldn't handle his lying to Colleen. He was so comfortable with it, and I'm so uncomfortable with all the lies in general. I was his dirty little secret, and he was so ashamed of me, and it bothered me. Not so much because of what we were doing. I didn't and don't care that he was involved with somebody else. I wasn't cheating, because I don't cheat, so that didn't affect me at all. What bothered me was that he only felt guilty when I said "no" about something. Everything was fine, unless I brought up the reality of our situation. *Then* and only then, did he have a moral dilemma. And suddenly, he just couldn't continue anymore. He felt oh-so-guilty *then*. Because I was suddenly pointing out that there was no birth control involved, and he still wanted sex. Was still comfortable with what we were doing, even though it might be resulting in a child each and every time. He would have been alright with an accidental pregnancy, every time. As long as he didn't have to admit to himself, or anyone else, that in reality, we were trying to get me pregnant. And that was and is the reality of that situation. From the point where he knew there was no active birth control in my system, he knew precisely what was going on.

Selective morality. I just don't understand it. And now, I'm frustrated with myself. I was actually ranting at someone, but more at myself, earlier today. Because I'm so disgusted with myself. Knowing exactly who and what he is? I love him anyway. Flaws and all. I can't help how I feel, and I said that. I was a lot more eloquent earlier, actually. I delineated all of the reasons that I'm better off with him gone, why even if there's a child, I'm better off with him staying away, because do I really want the child raised with those values being taught to it? Even knowing all of those things...I can't help what I think or how I feel. Because unlike Phillip, or Colleen, I can say that I love him, and that I *know* him. His faults, and they're legion. Not that I don't have my own, because I do. But I know his, and still. (shrug)

She's in over her head. And she's too far away to realize that. I'm not particularly doing anything. It wouldn't matter anyhow. And he's living his little pathetic dreary existence, where he takes the crumbs she offers to him, and lives in his room, with his computer and his WoW, and hopes for the best, where she might someday show up. And then reality, if she ever appears, will set in. The mediocre sex, where she can't keep up with his sex drive will finally become reality. The inflexibility where she can't bend up like a pretzel, which he really, really enjoys. The fact that he wants it several times a day, for hours at a time. The fact that he doesn't like cheesy television, and doesn't like romantic comedies and doesn't like fiction silly reading. And he's very serious, almost all the time in conversation in real life. The actual *reality* that's Phillip will set in. In all honesty, the actual oral sex, which by this point, as much of a bitch as I am, he has to be missing, because nobody will *ever* give him that the way I could. There's a lot to be said for getting something from someone who you know loved you, and wanted to give you something purely because they loved you and wanted to make you feel good. And he knows it. Some things just can't be reproduced, no matter how hard somebody tries.

And yes, I miss him. I'd be lying if I said I didn't. Am I angry? Fuck yes, I'm angry. Do I hate him? I honestly don't know. I'm so disgusted and livid at how I was treated I still don't know much beyond that. But I still miss him, because you can't really control how your heart feels, and my heart has felt what it feels for Phillip for more than ten years, even when I couldn't remember him. Unfortunately, now I *can* remember him. So it hurts. Do I wake up in the morning, and reach for the phone? No, not anymore. At least that's getting easier. I don't expect the phone to ring anymore. I don't even know what I'd say if it did.

I'll never understand how it feels to be able to just walk away from someone and pretend that they don't matter. I'm not built that way. I can cut someone from my life, but I can't pretend they don't matter. I can cut them out if they've done me a grievous wrong, but not if they didn't harm me.

Fun with Mindfucks?

I'm not sure how this will work out. So I'm doing this as a tester. If it works, then I'll know I can do cool picture-y type stuff.

chicken satay and frustration

The chicken satay was good. I'm probably spelling that wrong, but it was good just the same. The frustration is not so good. Joy skipped town, I still don't know precisely why. But I was storing some stuff over at her place, and when I mentioned she had left town, and that the stuff was stored there, Trinette, without realizing that it was going to freak me out, said that Joy had destroyed the stuff that was stored there. Queue the meltdown. I'm in the process of trying to reach Mollo and/or Beau, because there's no way of knowing if Joy was just full of shit, or if she was on a bender at the time or what. I messaged her mom, and Mollo, but there's simply no way to know. And I was so freaked out that my speech went out immediately.

God that's frustrating.

I won't know much of anything for a couple of days at least. Oh, well. And it's just one of those things, if it's already gone, there wouldn't be much I can do about it either way. It was only a couple of boxes, and I should and am bracing myself that it's already gone. If it's there, I am fairly sure Beau won't mess with it. If they're still at the same house, I'll go by and talk to him.

Subject change. The job is still going well. I need to put more hours in, and I know this, but overall, it's going well. Trying to figure out the busy times is the hardest part of it, but when it *is* busy, whoo baby. I can slam out a lot of messages in quite a short time-span. So overall, it looks like it'll work out well for me.

I just need to figure out what times work best for me personally. Once I have that down, I should be good to go. I'm not sure what I want to figure out, exactly, but I'm sure I'll get the hang out of output, and then I'll be allright.

I talked to Mom and Dana for Mother's Day. Well, a great many other people as well, but you get the idea. I managed to get my new cell phone set up with the correct custom ringtones, and so that's fixed now. Stupid cell phone actually was broken, and I have the new one now, and it works. It should stop dropping calls now too. I have the Cingular phone back now too, so I can chat with NV again now, when I'm not so swamped working or running amok around town doing doctor oriented crap that I can see straight.

Do you ever get the feeling that you're just going insane, and that you're supremely busy, but it seems as though you shouldn't be, all the time? Because that's how I feel, a lot of the time lately. I'm exhausted, all the time, and I feel constantly run down and crazy. I hate it. But at least I'm surviving, and managing.

Things will get better, I'm sure of it.

In the meantime, I just keep going.

What choice do I have?

Secret word of the week

This week's secret word of the week is:

"expecting"

Goodnight internets, I'm off to go log back in to the work server.

Mmm..my job. And the fact that Phil is an asshat.

And yes, that's the title, but only because I was on the phone, and that was what I said to the person I was talking to. And it amused me.

So I started my new job, and I'm actually pretty good at it. Not as great as some of the people who've been doing it for years. But decent. And being good at your job, always a plus. Also, not hating your job, for the win.

And Phil, well, he *is* an asshat. There's just no getting around that. But he's an asshat who probably did me a good turn by proving to me that he couldn't be trusted, and that every word he said to me was a lie. At least I'll always know now that anything he ever says is going to be bullshit. Good to know at least.

I had always said that he'd leave...and he did. I said that he'd abandon me, when someone demanded he drop me, and he finally proved me right, just as I predicted. I wonder how many more of my predictions will pan out over the next few months?

Meh, not that it really matters much anymore. My life is moving on, and with it, things are kind of calming down.

Well, as calm as they *can* be at any rate. Some things are still up in the air, and true to form, I'll post that as it comes up, but in the meantime, I'm treating the symptoms, if not the underlying problems.

Love to all, and know that for right now I'm doing more or less fine. I'll have a new word of the week up tomorrow.

C

Awww, yeah, baby!

And I am the gainfully fucking employed! My training went off really well, and I will be working pretty much around the clock until the 21st, to see how much I can make. Yay!

I am happy. And I really liked my trainer, and she said I can email her if I need her or have questions, which was awesome. I'll be logged in frequently, and the service is hopping. It was great. My head is spinning, but I suspect that'll settle somewhat as I adjust to it. Yay, me!

The Phillip saga

Hmm. I'm not quite sure how I want to say what it is that I want to say, so this may be a very peculiar post indeed.

Phillip's cut me out of his life, in the most cowardly and crass way possible. He sent me a two-line email, from a bogus email account. Not even a phone call. I know that a lot of people read this blog, and I'm writing this, knowing full well that a lot of local people who have or had respect for Phil will be reading this, and think that he'd never do something as pathetic as some of the things he's done recently.

I'm not the only person he cut off without a word. There's an entire list.

See, Phillip cheated on his "girlfriend". The one who lives 2000 miles away. As everyone who reads here knows, there was/is a pregnancy scare, and he fell back into bed with me. He cheated. It was wrong. It's happened before. I don't even particularly blame her for wanting him to stop seeing me.

On the other hand...I do blame him for walking away. He's sworn to me, and everyone else, for months, that I was much too valuable to him as a friend for him to cut me out of his life, no matter what. He's stated multiple times that he would *never* be dictated to by anyone, for any reason, about who he could and could not spend his time with. That he would under no circumstances take that kind of ultimatum.

And like a fool, I believed his lies. And lie he did. I didn't even get a courtesy phone call. His accounts are deleted, his phone goes unanswered. And I did absolutely nothing to deserve it.

And her ultimatum about me? It made sense. He can't be trusted with me. Because he will indeed fall right back into my arms. Fine. But the others? I talked with her. And she seemed like a nice girl. And then I kept thinking. It keeps going around and around in my head. She had a whole list of others he had to cut out as well.

He had to cut out Mona. And with Mona goes Cora. Cora is a child, who was very attached to Phillip. And Colleen doesn't care that Cora's being punished. And obviously, Phillip cares not at all either.

He cut out Melissa. And with her went David, Emily and Lauren. Children. Children who were again, very fond of Phillip. Colleen once again cared not at all that the children involved would be hurt by his absence. And Phil obviously cared not at all either. As long as he could keep talking to his girlfriend on the phone a few hours a day.

He isn't allowed to see or speak to Trinette, and with her went Sammie, who can't even understand his absence, as we have absolutely no way to explain it to her. Colleen doesn't care about that. She's on the list of unacceptable.

The others on the list? Annwynn/'Chelle. Mike McGee. Danny. Essentially? Absolutely anyone who is a friend of mine. If it's someone who knows and likes or trusts me? He isn't allowed to associate with them, because that would put him at risk for coming into contact with me, and she doesn't trust him in any way to come into even third-person contact with me.

What kind of person does that? Deems all of the people in and around someone's life, people who have cared and helped and proven loyalty to someone as "unacceptable"? Who gets to make that kind of judgment call from 2000 miles away? And who the fuck concedes to that sort of ultimatum? You drop everyone who has befriended you, and helped you, and loved and cared for you, so that you can maintain some kind of quasi-relationship with someone who is 2000 miles away, with no actual estimate of a real relationship arriving at anytime in the actual practical future?

I understand that they care about each other. But last time I checked, if you really, really care about someone? You don't ask them to sit and be alone, waiting for you. You don't ask to give them the crumbs you have available for them.

And as for him? He lied, to me, and to everyone else closest to him here. He lied to her. He is so comfortable with lying and sneaking around, that it's only a matter of time, with all the restrictions that have been placed on him before he simply starts lying again. It's foolish to think that he won't.

I'm not sure what to think about any of it. If she's really as nice as she seems, then why would she keep trying to keep him on a leash from Indiana? She has to know that it isn't going to work. Not with them long-distance. It's not realistic. And there are too many things she can't afford to lose right now to come out here. She might never be able to set them aside and come out here. That's reality. I have enough crappy health problems to know that. California is *not* a friendly state when it comes to trying to land a job with full-time benefits. It's just a fact of life. And giving them up where you are would just be stupid if you've got health problems. It's the story of my life when it comes to working.

And as for Phil? Phil does what Phil wants, and if he can't make it all fit together? He lies and sneaks, and only admits to what he's done when he's crushed into a corner. I won't say I hate him. I will say that I'm thoroughly disgusted with him. I'll also say that I'll never trust him again. I won't ever be able to believe anything he says again. The blinders on *my* eyes are off completely. And that hurts, unbelievably.

But the fact that it hurts, makes it possible to get up in the morning, and look around, and not cry. To not look at my phone, and wish it would ring. Because I don't want to call him. I don't have much to say. Everything I had left to say is mean, or hurtful, or just plain nasty.

If I *do* end up pregnant? About all I have left to say to him is "please sign this that says you have no claim to this child", because I don't want him involved, and I don't want him trying to take my child from me. I wouldn't deny him coming and visiting the child as it grew up, but I don't want to have to hassle with child support, or him being involved in day to day decisions. We're all better off if there's no sprog. Because something tells me that would be a bloody battle indeed. I don't trust him, and he would hate me.

Lovely.

Wow, that was quite the long ramble. So that's what's been going on in "The Phillip saga". He walked away, without a backward glance, and was too much of a coward to even pick up the phone...and he did it because Colleen told him to. And I can't quite figure out how a "nice girl" got to the conclusion that having him abandon all of his friends, and a bunch of children he was fond of who were attached to him was a nice thing to do, without any explanations, or any consideration. Or how at the end of the day, the two of them are going to make that relationship work, with her issuing orders from 2000 miles away, and him saying "yes ma'am". I hadn't realized that Phillip was as spineless and pathetic as that, or as willing to ditch the people who were good to him.

If you can't trust him, in any way, to come into any contact with anyone who is a friend of mine? There's not really a way for you to monitor what he's doing from Indiana. How are you going to keep tabs on that? Pat and Tawnya going to report back to her? Going to have her friends follow him around and send reports that he isn't leaving the house? He going to send copies of his cell phone records, proving he isn't still talking to me, or anyone else on the "do not talk" list? There isn't really a way to prove he isn't doing what he said he'd do. And honestly, because he lies so easily...unless she's here...how the hell would she even know in the first place?

If one of my friends hadn't told her...he'd still be here. Hanging out here. Cheating again, eventually. Lying daily. And he had no intention of telling her...ever.

Goodnight.

pregnant vs crazy

Yeah, that's right. Pregnant versus crazy. And honestly? I've come the conclusion that I hate doctors. I went in for an ultrasound today. And it was obviously very conclusive, as they told me to please be coming back in four weeks, so they can run another one. And to please come in tomorrow morning, at eight o'clock, after fasting all night tonight, to do a full panel blood workup. But they refuse to tell me exactly why I should do either of those things. Oh, and while I'm at it, I should probably stay off of my medications. Just in case.

I *hate* doctors. They won't tell me exactly what's going on, because that would leave them open for perjury if they're wrong. But they tell me what not to do. And I hate that.

I'm not pregnant, exactly. But I'm also not *not* pregnant. They just aren't certain. Which means they saw...something. Just enough of a "something" to have me come back in a few more weeks, when it'll be a little easier to identify. Fuckers.

I have tons of symptoms. I'm miserable. But because of my weight, it's awfully hard to get a clear reading. That, and the tech wasn't really trying to get a clear reading, because obviously I can't *really* be pregnant, because their never-wrong tests have already deemed me *NOT* pregnant! So why bother actually doing a good thorough job? Easier to just wait another month, when it'll be much easier to see, and have me come back.

I hate life right now.

My solution? Just keep going the way I'm going, and focus on my job instead. I want to see if I can pump out (get it? pump? hahaha. inside joke. sorry.) 14,000 messages in 10 days, to see if it's possible. I'm kind of excited about the live training on Thursday. Eager to get started. Eager to simply begin, so that I have something to focus on. Focus is good.

Secret word of the week

The secret word of the week, I guess it'll be...Hmm...

I don't know.

"employment"

As in, I'm just about there. I train this week, and then I'll be full-time.

Yay?

That's it for today. I'll be busy on Tuesday afternoon, doing some stuff at the doctor, busy on Thursday afternoon for training, and then working pretty much around the clock for a while.

Have fun internets. Don't flip out if nobody can reach me for a while. I'll continue to blog on my off time.

New jobs, and changes

So it looks like the gainfully employed bit is about to commence. The training packet, the first section of it, arrived today, in my email. I've read through a lot of the starter stuff, and it seems fairly straightfoward. I'll fill out the initial questionnaire and send it back for their review, and proceed on from there. They have to make sure I can keep up the typing speed, and that the messages are the right length. But it looks as though all of that is going to be a go.

And it'll give me a nice distraction. I hope it all goes as well as planned. I did a few other things today too, talked to Danny and told him the straightforward truth about how I'm feeling.

I'm tired. I'm tired of pretty much everything. I don't have any fight left. That's the point I'm at. There is simply no fight left in me, for anything.

All I want to do now is work, wait for Steven to come back from Iraq, so that Trinette can move on, and start her life with him and be happy, because Gods know she deserves to finally get to do that. Not that I'm not thrilled with her being here, but I want for her to finally get to be happy. But I want her to get to start the life she's waited so long for.

I want to work. I want to bury myself in it, for the most part, because it's a good distraction. Trinette says she'll teach me to crochet and make blankets and some other stuff. But that's what I want. I don't have enough fight to want to do anything other than lose myself in a job, and distracting myself with random things. I've finally been beaten and broken and I don't care anymore. I don't want to get even. I don't want to go and be vindicated.

I just want to be left alone. I'm not sure if the people who love me will understand that enough to not be offended by it. But that's all I really want. I hurt so much that all I really want is to be left alone, until I've saved some money, and can feel something again. Because right now? Sigh.