Saturday, August 4, 2012

Ordinary Reader has left a new comment on your post: "It's been a year and a half and maybe you've forgotten about this blog long ago, but I want to ask. How are you?

Hey there Ordinary Reader,

I had been neglecting this blog, and I apologize to you, and any other people who also was a dedicated reader here.

The question posed as to how I am, and right up until about a half hour ago, my answer would have been "lousy".

That is not the case now, and Ordinary Reader - I saw your message. And it caused me to sit down and actually think that through, *really* think about it, and how I am. And after I thought about it, I suddenly realized that, yes, I am doing just fine. And this is why:

I have spent the last nearly two years feeling sorry for myself, and ashamed of myself, for things that I had no control over. If you're a long-time reader, you'll have seen that I've had a couple of brain tumors, and had them removed, and that the second tumor was malignant, a stage 3 cancer. And I have been taking way too many medications and have been through hell, trying to beat the odds on staying alive. I was given devastating odds on survival. I have, currently, beaten those odds with the help of a phenomenal Hematology-Oncology doctor Marshall Flam, M.D. here in Fresno, CA. I did radiation, chemotherapy, and it sucked. However, I'm alive, and getting better every day.

And it was a long, long haul to get here, and I still have some problems. But then again, who doesn't?

But I've been hiding, and trying to be and do something I'm not. I have handicaps now that changed who I used to be. Some of those changes made me a much better person today than I was. Some of those changes made me become ashamed of who and what I am now. And today, I took a good heard look at myself, and realized that I have no reason to feel ashamed about the person I am.

I have spent most of my adult life trying to fit in, trying to make up for the person I was before that first surgery. I've been apologizing endlessly to what feels like the entire world for sins that happened 17 years ago. The ironic part is that I haven't been able to remember the majority of those sins, because my long-term memory was thoroughly scrambled like eggs from the first removal.

I'm finished now, feeling ashamed of the woman I've become. I've tried to remember what happened way back then, and attempted to apologize to the people I hurt. And now? Now, I'm looking in the mirror, and the woman I am is a good person.

I deserve to be happy, with the choices I make now. I deserve to look at myself, and accept that I'm not ever going to be a model, never going to do some of the things I used to do. And that's alright, because I can do other things, and maybe these new things will work out, or maybe they won't, but there's nothing that stops me from trying now.

I am looking at myself, and I am not ashamed to be me. Not anymore. Thank you, Ordinary Reader, for reminding me who I am.

--Controversy