As I sit here typing, I cannot read. I also can't write anything with a pen. The reason that I type, is because some type of memory typing lets me do this.
The truth be told, I feel defeated, about pretty much everything most of the time. I go through each day more or less faking it, as though I'm alright. Well, I do until I fall apart, and then I cry. I can't even come up with the actual words I want, because I can't correctly spell them.
For all intents and purposes, I might as well be blind, only I can see. And it hurts me. I go to sleep, and I keep hoping that I will wake up, and I will be fine in the morning, but it keeps not hopening.
I have all these walkers and a canes and my balance is all screwballed, and I'm so fucking sleeping all the time, no matter what I do, and I just want to be DONE already.
I was supposed to go up there, and they were supposed to fix me, and I could come home, and go back to school, and everything would be normal again...and then now? This? This is not me...I'm not me anymore. And I hate it. I can't do anything for myself, and I hate it.
I think about lawsuits and chemo and radiation and still being sick for god only knows for you long, and a lot of the time I just want to give up utterly. I'm told that's all perfectly normal...yay. Which is kind of depression too.
This is probably not making sense anymore, because I kind of lost my train of thought...so I'll stop now...I just had to say SOMETHING, so that I could remind myself that I'm still in here, that I'm still me, even if it didn't seem that all the time...maybe I can't get my worlds out while I'm speaking, and maybe I can't use a pen....but maybe, eventually, I'll be able to be me again...if only still here....
