Monday, June 30, 2008

June 30th horoscopes

Horoscope: June 30
June 30, 2008


Aries (March 21-April 19): You might be micromanaging work that really doesn't require that kind of attention. When you let go a little, a rush of energy sweeps you up into the bigger picture.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You recognize the physical results of your thoughts. You can even see how your body is an expression of your consciousness. This state of heightened awareness is becoming your normal mode of operation.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): The whole story has not been told because anyone involved in the story is capable of seeing things only from their own narrow view. Therefore, no one is to be believed, at least not 100%.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): To you, the good times are like a tide -- they roll in, they roll out. And don't forget, your guiding luminary, the moon, controls those tides, much like you control your life.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You're spending more money than you thought you would. The outflow of funds will be balanced by a stroke of luck this afternoon. Focus on the value of things instead of the cost.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your work is getting better and you're enjoying it more. When you do not approve of a situation, do the opposite of what you want to do, which is criticize. Go forward with praise for what is going right.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): The winds of change don't always upset things. And in your case, they might actually tidy up a bit for you. Watch as a daunting task or pernicious issue simply blows away.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): There's a reason it's called a "perfect" stranger. People you don't know are a blank slate. You can be anyone you want to be and there's a good chance they will believe.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): This is no ordinary world. There are mystical creatures that walk among the regular ones. You interact with them in your own creative way.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The only useful information is accurate information. Check your sources and find out what their sources are. You'll soon be able to use what you learned to turn a profit.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Taking offense or being critical only weighs you down. The right attitude is a light attitude. You can find the positive answer to even a negatively slanted question.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Get your stuff organized, and your thoughts become more manageable too. Tonight, you have an announcement and you deliver it with great style.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Secret word of the week

This week the word is:

"harbinger"

If you don't know what it means, look it up.

And I have my reasons for choosing it, and you can all use your lovely little imaginations to try and guess what's going on in *mine*.

Good luck with that.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Yes, Danny, this one *is* to you.

My life does not revolve around her. My thoughts do not revolve around her. What I say, think, do, and feel? Does not revolve around her. I personally simply do not care enough to bother all that often. She can't be bothered to admit that she's a basically selfish person who either enjoys hurting people, or simply lacks tact, and lives in a rose-coloured bubble where the men she surrounds herself with are willing to excuse her so often and with such vehemence that she can get away with walking around wounding others with absolutely no consequences, and I don't have the time or the patience for that kind of drama-filled bullshit in my life. Because I actually *do* have a real life, with real consequences, and there isn't anyone around to catch me when I'm falling, and pick me up and tell me everything is going to be alright.

I don't have an ongoing string of men who will happily run around and do my bidding and smooth a path for me, whether I deserve it or not, and make my life simple, or try to.

And this is where I point a finger, and make a comparison that nobody will like. She and Colleen? I can see why they got along so splendidly. It's very easy to get along when there are men willing to fall all over themselves telling you that you're the most wonderful thing on the planet, and how they love you, and no matter what you do, it's the right thing. Of course you're perfect princess! You couldn't possibly have done something *wrong*! Oh, noes! You've been a colossal jackass? Not you! You can talk your way out of anything, and those men are going to agree with you, because they luvvvvvv you? Yep, I can see how they get along fabulously.

Something about women like them, and the men who fall for them. I'm blunt, I'm honest, and nobody much likes hearing the things I have to say. I'm not sitting around with poor, pitiful me, and telling everyone how much I need them, and how if they're just the center of my world, and they complete me, then everything will be great. I've just never felt that way about anyone before, and they complete me, and everything is wonderful.

No, I don't walk around spouting the roses and sunshine bullshit. Yes, I love people. Yes, I want them in my life. But I'm not willing to sit around and stroke someone's ego and do, well, whatever it is that they do, that I don't, to get what I want. That isn't me.

Obviously, I come up short in the being a femme fatale department.

So yes, I put up rants on my blog. No, they aren't always to your perfect precious little princess. And if she doesn't want to get a big broomstick up her ass? She needs to learn a valuable lesson, and show the same courtesy Colleen showed when she took my blog off her reading list, and stop reading this. Otherwise, she needs to suck it up, and deal with what she sees here.

I'm not editing what I say, just to soothe somebody's fragile little ego. She can either learn to deal with reality, or she can avoid seeing my blog. As I recall, she was perfectly willing to shove "reality" in my eleven-year-old daughter's face, without batting an eyelash. And when I protested? I was told that I would have to suck it up, because reality was something we all have to deal with.

Dear Diary, it's one forty seven a.m.,

I was lying here tonight, thinking about you, and how time is passing and while I still think about you, because I'd be lying if I said that I didn't, the thoughts aren't the same anymore, not exactly. The fresh raw wound that was there, it isn't necessarily bleeding anymore, and I'm not as angry as I was. Not so viciously ready to strike out. Like a tiny little hole, the way air lets out of a tire, that you almost don't notice it happening, I realized that a lot of the screeching anger has passed. The hurt? It's there still. But the raging anger is passing. Oh, how I wanted you to hurt the way I hurt. Wanted you to feel the vicious pain and betrayal I felt when I had to feel the emptiness and loss that you never seemed to feel.

But that anger is finally lessening. And in the end, I guess I actually do want for you what I've wanted for you for all the years I've known and loved you. For you to be happy. Sad, isn't it? That that's what I've always wanted for you? Oh, it hurts still, to know that I'm sad, and the two of you are happy, or so it seems. To know that I was set to the side and disregarded and replaced so easily. Yes, that hurts. It will always hurt. But I'll always want for you what I always did want. You to be happy, and healthy, and safe and loved. Because that's just who I am.

And I thought about it, all the things I miss about you. Laughing together while we watched stupid television shows. Watching random movies, and discussing oddball things we found on the internets. Just the random things that we could always talk about, the things that we had in common, because we were so very random. I miss cooking for you, and cleaning up after you, and just being with you. That's the crux of it, isn't it? That I just miss being with you. With my friend, with everything about you.

And no matter what, that's gone now. That will be forever changed, even if you were to come back tomorrow, and we were to try and repair the breach of your being gone, there would be ghosts now. It would take work to try and heal the hurts now.

And I'm not innocent in all of it. I've cast stones too, and I know it. I struck out to cause pain as well, because I was so angry, and felt so violated, and so injured. And some of the violations were valid, and some were not, but I was too angry to even see clearly enough to do anything except strike out.

And now I miss you. And all I really want is to have things the way there were, when I was happy. When I could sit with you, and watch stupid television shows, and eat a quiet meal, and have a quiet conversation. When there wasn't anger, and there wasn't pain, and there wasn't this overwhelming sense of loss.

I can't change the past. I can't modify what happened, and I can't unring a bell. I also can't make you do something you don't want to do, and I can't bring you back to me if you want to be someplace else. But my feelings and thoughts are my own, even when nobody approves of them. And what I think about at two o'clock in the morning that I write down, so that I can finally go to sleep, to give me a little bit of peace is for my own sanity as well.

Be well, be happy, remember that you were loved, you were wanted, you are missed. Even if everything falls apart, you're still loved and wanted and missed.

Love, Crys

Monday, June 23, 2008

On vices or addictions

And this is actually in response to another blog that I read, one that isn't listed on my 'favourite must reads list', because it isn't something that I don't quite know how to explain why I read daily.

But in any case, she had a post up a few days ago, asking about vices and addictions, and it caused me to start thinking. I wonder how many people do that? Replace an addiction with a different one. For me, I'm a food addict. And I know it. I more or less have it under control right now, which I'm very proud of. It took me a long time, and a lot of work to get to where I am. And because it *did* take me a long time and a substantial amount of effort, I don't easily cave to others when they want me to eat with them, or eat what they want just because they want it now. Even if it upsets the status quo.

And I was sitting and thinking about it. Yes, I managed to get my eating habits under control. But it occurs to me that I might have actually swapped my eating problems for something else, and allowed myself to be addicted to something else in the interim. And now what I'm suffering from might actually be withdrawal from that.

Because perhaps everyone does indeed need to work on the underlying problem with it is some type of addiction. And I might have replaced one with the other, without realizing that's what I did. And now I'm working through it, and coming out the other side stronger for it. It's just something to think about.

Like when an alcoholic stops drinking, but then starts smoking instead. Or a drug addict quits drugs, but takes up drinking. Things like that. For me? I gave up eating compulsively. But what was my trade off?

It's just an interesting thing to have thought about.

Kudos to the idea of vices and addictions.

speech and frustration

I cooked dinner tonight for my kid brother, because he wanted me to make him spaghetti for his sixteenth birthday. He's crazy about my spaghetti. Which is appropriate, as I make bomb spaghetti. Hot, spicy italian sausage spaghetti. And no, I'm not bragging at all, I really do make incredibly good spaghetti, it's one of the things I cook incredibly well, so it's something he asks for almost anytime he gets a chance, and he knew very well he was guaranteed to get it for his birthday. No big deal, right? Only I hadn't actually cooked it for about the last six months, as I haven't really been doing a lot of cooking for the last few months, and haven't cooked that particular dish at all in the last six or so. So I was a little nervous, because I didn't want to disappoint him. And my grandfather was coming over too, to eat with us. I was just kind of nervous in general.

I'm not a big fan of disappointing people I care about. So I was already edgy. I've been on edge for days. And we had a little mini-party, with a birthday cake, and sang the traditional song, blah blah blah. It went very well, actually. But the kids were horsing around, and while I would have normally been fine? It was just too much. And my stupid speech went out. Again. And I'm so damned tired of it. I'm sick of this speech aphasia.

I realize that I can't control it, and that it doesn't make me less of a person or whatever. But it's still frustrating as all hell. Because normal everyday activities are *hard*. I blew out my ankle a few days ago, twisted it while walking to the stupid swimming pool. And while it isn't that big of a deal, not really. My ankle and my foot are purple, and it's swollen like a grapefruit. And the swelling isn't going down. It's actually a good thing that I'd had to go to see my doctor that next day, so she got a good look at it, and she'll be checking it out again when I go in for a follow-up. If the swelling doesn't go down, I'm guessing they'll be taking some kind of x-rays. Yay? I think it's probably fine, but the whole swelling not going down is annoying. And because I'm me, I keep bonking it into things.

Kat loaned me her crutches, which is helping considerably, and I'm staying off it as best I can, it's all wrapped up, etc. But I'm fairly stressed out. On another note entirely: I got the notice back from Fresno City, I'm officially enrolled. I'm a student now! I have my own counselor and everything, she called today. I guess I'm good to go? It feels so weird. I didn't really think I'd be a college student at my age. Not that I'm ancient or anything, it just seems strange that I'd pursue a real career now, that I'd be striking out to be...something, now.

Things are slowly, but sure, stabilizing. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about all of the friendships issues I have going on. I guess there really is a point that you have to sit and weed through the people and things in life that are an emotional drain, and I'm at that point now. There are some things I simply refuse to let go. People who have been in my life, a major part of my life, who I will not willingly part with, and I am fairly confident that it goes both ways. But there are a lot of other people who I suspect that I can now look at, and realize that all they are and were was a drain on me, and my personal energy. And that I was better off just letting go. Not that it isn't going to be painful, and it isn't going to take time for me to heal. But I don't need to keep expecting something that isn't there. Friendship, actual honest friendship? Isn't all one-sided.

As I've actually proven more than once, I will drop everything I'm doing and come flying to the rescue, even when it hurts me, for a friend that I value. I will put my entire life on hold, and bury my own pain if I need to, to help them, comfort them, do anything that's necessary for them. Whether that's loaning money, bringing them something silly to cheer them up, watching a movie, or just sitting and listening to them talk. Offering a hug to comfort, or just being there. Because that's what I do when I love my friends. But I've learned that very rarely do my so-called friends do the same for me. A select few will and do, when I need them. But they're a very small select group. And I'm tired of trying to maintain a "friendship" when it's an emotional and financial drain on me. It's beginning to just not be worth it.

There are some people that I value, and value highly. And I love them, and would give anything to have them in my life, and keep them there. And there are some people that I will miss, but won't keep giving and giving, and getting nothing in return. I suppose if anyone actually wants to know where they fall on the scale? They can ask. I'm perfectly willing to tell anyone with the nerve to ask at this point.

I'm not looking to chase anyone away with a bat. But I'm not pursuing actively a friendship with anybody anymore. I guess they're called "fluff friendships". I have a lot of those, and they're starting to seem pointless to me now. I am so busy and so overwhelmed lately, that fluff friendships seem pointless and a waste of my time, since I don't really know how to have a friendship where I don't give emotionally to it.

This keeps dragging on, and I'm rambling at this point again. Me and my blogging. I'll write more later I'm sure, as I always do. I hope my readers haven't grown bored with me. I apologize for my tediousness.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

This amuses me.

Ephesians 4:26-27

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

This is the bible quote of the day on someone's facebook. That same person called me a homewrecking whore, and told me that they have no interest in being my friend (which is fine, I have no interest in being their friend either), but as I know that she is a Christian, and supposedly a whole-heartedly embracing Christian, ergo a good girl, it amuses me that she was willing to call me such names, as she in no way knows me. All I wanted was to make sure that a good friend of hers was doing fine, as she had been having some health problems. Nothing more complicated. But I got insulted, and called names.

So it amused me today to see such a bible quote of the day, and amused me further to remember the insults thrown by a good churchgoing Christian girl. And I laugh, quietly and to myself to think of the hypocrisy that is practiced so openly by such women (and I suppose men as well), who are willing to cast stones at me.

Just my thought for the afternoon.

Karma will get everyone in the end.

Secret word of the week

Well, today we're going with:

"Defenestrate"

Which means to throw something out the window. Which is what I'd like to do lately, so that's the word of the week.

Meh. I suppose there's other stuff I'll blog about, but not right now. Right now I have other stuff to do.

Oh, but one other bit of news. I'm going to take up RPG'ing again, because I need the pressure-valve release.

Okay. Take care internets. I'll update with a full on update once everything calms down a bit.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

With friends like you?

Why on earth would I have ever needed enemies?

Secret word of week

This week I don't have a secret word of the week. This week's blog is devoted to anger, pure and simple. Maybe my word of the week is "anger" then.

In short? The last few months have completely and totally fucked me over. In every way possible. I don't think I'm going to be giving anybody a chance anymore. I doubt I'll be trusting anybody anymore. The last six months have taught me that, very well. Not to trust anyone when they tell me something. Not to count on anyone for anything, and not to believe in anybody.

It's common knowledge, the things I need from people. And I shouldn't have to ask, especially when they *know* what it is that I need. And I'm tired of having to ask. If they aren't going to volunteer to at least offer to clean up the messes that they caused, and help? I'm sick of being left screwed over. What's the point? I'll try and figure out a way to get by. It's what I have left, right? I'll manage, in one fashion or another, and I'll either sink or swim. But I'll be damned if I'm going to beg for crumbs from people who should have been there for me, when they caused part of the problems I have now.

So I'm angry. I'm frustrated with life. I've gotten a lot of flack recently, because I'm not acting like "myself". Well, yes, I am. "Myself" is the person who has been taken advantage of, walked all over, screwed over, and left to fend for myself when all I've done is tried to help people out, and gotten kicked when I was down and fucked over for it. That's what's left now. When I'm sad, and want someone to talk to? Most of the time, everyone's too busy. When I'm completely flat broke and can't make my rent? Interestingly, it seems as though people forget that I've bailed them out, and have given up my last fifty bucks to help them out. I've let people move into my apartment when by rights I really really shouldn't have, and that one ended up costing me my relationship with Danny, because I couldn't keep it all together when I didn't have the spare room for us to use anymore, and he moved back to his parents, because I broke up with him rather than keep sharing the bedroom with him, because I had to have some space or I was going to go crazy.

I have absolutely bent over backwards trying to do everything for everyone, and it has cost me everything I have. And what has it gotten me? Left behind and dropped, now that I don't have Danny's money backing me anymore. Nobody cares or remembers me. I'm useless to them now. Now that I might need something in return. Now that I should be repaid what was loaned eons ago.

I'm so tired. I don't want to fight. I don't want to ask, or beg, or be pitied. It's tedious, and I'm sick of all of it. So giving me shit because I'm not acting like "myself"? No, I'm acting like myself. I'm just not as much fun now that my life is difficult. It's a lot harder to be "fun" all the time, when life sucks 95% of the time. Working thirteen hours a day, seven days a week SUCKS. How many of you do that? I'm pretty sure everyone but me gets days off. And probably makes more money than I do, as well. And I still haven't even *gotten* a paycheck.

This has turned into quite a rant. So everyone wants to know what's "wrong" with me lately? Take a good look at yourselves, and see if you're one of the ones who has screwed me over lately. And whether or not you figure if you just ignore something and wait it out, maybe I won't ask for whatever it is that you should be doing for me, or making me ask for whatever it is that I need. Then you won't have to do it. Hey, if you're comfortable with letting your conscience ignore screwing me over, more power to you. But I'm not going to ask anymore. I'm tired of it. If you've screwed me over, I guess I don't particularly need friends like that in my life anymore. They're kind of an emotional drain that I don't need. I'm drowning enough already without needing to have to beg for things that should have been freely offered to help.

This has been long enough. I'm going to go back to work now. Because that's what I do now.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

It's funny, sometimes, how things work out. Honestly, there are a lot of things I can't remember, or at least that I really don't remember clearly. A lot of things that have run together into one long, almost like a very blurry dream. Not in its entirety, but a lot of it. Until probably toward the end of 2005, there are a lot of pieces like that, long blurry dream-sequences that are my life.

I wish there weren't, but there are. That brain tumor fucked up a lot of things for me, things I won't ever get back. And I don't really spend a lot of my time usually sitting around dwelling on it. Not generally. But sometimes, especially lately, I think about it. And how different things might have been, if I hadn't had it. If I'd simply been normal, and had my normal memories, and not the back-and-forth mood swings, and the irrational temper. Hadn't had the inability to make reasoned decisions. How very different so many things might have ended up, about my entire life.

Some of my poor decisions are my own, and I take full responsibility for some of them. But some of them I can't even remember making, much less what I might have been thinking at any given time.

I know that I once had hopes and dreams and goals. A life that I wanted for myself, and things I wanted to achieve. I know when I was a teenager, I had no idea what I wanted to be when I was twenty, or twenty-five, or thirty years old. But I know that being married with children wasn't in my plans. I know that college, and a career *were* in my plans. A bright future, security, a life. Those were what I wanted for myself. Someone to love, who would love me, yes. But no children until I was established, in a career. Stability. I wanted to *be* someone. I know that.

And I remember thinking at the end of September 2007, beginning of October, when I was finally starting to feel like a real person again, for the first time I could *remember* in so long that it truly scares me, I remember thinking "finally". I could see a glow at the end of that long tunnel of darkness, and thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could carve a niche out for myself, and be that person again. The person I vaguely remembered, from when I was an actual functioning person, when I was, what, sixteen? Fifteen? When I still had dreams, and hopes, and a belief in myself? When I believed there was a spot in the world for me, a place I might belong, that I could be productive and happy in, just because I was me. Because I finally, after all these years, felt like myself again.

I tried so hard to explain that, to everyone, to anyone who would listen. I was trying to get some space, some time to be me again, without running, without fighting. Just a little bit of space while I figured everything out. I didn't know what I was predicting for the future. I didn't know what was going to happen in the next four *weeks* much less the next four months, with all the new things exploding inside of my head. I just wanted for everyone to take what I was offering, and let the future take care of itself. And I wish so badly that that had been enough. I thought it was.

And I thought that for right then, what I was offering was enough. It should have been, with everything in chaos. With everything spinning around in my head, and my head finally screwing on straight for the first time in years.

I was asking for the time and the space to not lose everything, and a chance to be me. To be your friend, and be just me, with the now and then right to hold your hand, and kiss you. Stroke your hair, and cuddle with you. Get hugs when I needed them, and go to bed with you sometimes. Go to the movies with you maybe, and listen to your dreams, and hope you'd listen to mine. Be silly once in a while, and build a past together that we could both enjoy remembering, instead of one that only one of us could. That was all I wanted, some time to try and figure it out.

Only it didn't work out that way. Somehow, whatever I was trying to express backfired, and everything went asplodey, and blew up around me. And by the time I recovered from the fallout, everything was gone. In a matter of days, or so it seemed to me. It actually was only a matter of days. Not even two weeks. My entire life vanished in two weeks.

I've done the best I could, with what I had to work with, and I'm very slowly rebuilding. Sort of. I've been kicked around, hard. I'm still getting kicked around, but I fake it much better now than I did before. Except when I break, and cry and can't help but have the cork explode out of the bottle, and the anger crashes all over. Even I can't hold everything in all the time.

And when I end up being treated the same by both of you, whether it's intentional or not, that just makes it worse in spades. Because having to take what little bits and pieces are left while you live your lives isn't fair to me, and it never was. Not from either of you. Watching everyone else be happy, and celebrate anniversaries, and go on their merry way, living the life that was mine? Hurts and crashes across me and breaks me into pieces, and it isn't fair. I have a heart, even if it's shattered. And there's only so much that I can take. Because I honestly didn't do anything wrong.

Even when I tried to rebuild something, I got smashed, and everyone still ended up happy except me. And it's almost worse now. Because everything that I thought was a lie, included how I felt, and what I believed. The grass I thought was greener? It was spray-painted on. The paint has faded, and it was dead underneath all along. If only I had seen it in time.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

All the freaking changes and a stupid migraine.

The amount of crap I've done and changed in the last couple of days has amazed even me. And it's not that they're bad changes, most of them are both productive and good. But they're still yet more changes. Comcast has gotten zee boot. Or at least, they'll have gotten the boot in another couple of days. I went with AT&T for the phone and for internet, and I killed the cable television entirely. Not like I ever turn the stupid thing on. I cut down services on both cell phones, (Danny you 'tard why on earth didn't you cut the text messaging down if the phone wasn't in use?), and I cut it down on my other one as well. Cut the Netflix account as well, I never have time to watch the movies. It's on hold, actually, in the hope that perhaps within three months I might have time to watch movies again at some point. If I don't have time again then, I'll cancel it outright.

Moved the furniture around. Again. Loaned the LCD television/5-disc changer and small surround sound system to Danny and Mona for a while, as again, I don't really have the time to watch anything, and they needed one for their room at his parent's house. He says I can have it back once he can save up enough to buy one for his room, which is fine, it isn't as though I'm using it right now.

I spent half a damned day on the phone with contractors, service people and Social Security and it's cohorts the other day, setting up various services, and letting people know that I'm working, planning out some things, and lining up assistance. I'm looking into going back to college as well, if I can get it lined up for online courses. School will also take a bit of pressure off me for work if I can get into the right programs with grant money. If everything lines up correctly. If, if, if. So sick of if, and maybe, and possibly.

So tired of jumping through hoops, and government programs, and difficulties. Wish I was normal, and things could be simpler. Wish I could work a normal job, and have a normal life.

Waiting on yet more blood lab results again. May yet have the world fall out from under me if some of that lab work comes back the wrong way, and I'm terrified, honestly about that. Not as terrified as some other people may end up being, but scared just the same.

Evidentally, the things that cause an enlarged liver? Are not things I knew anything about, and I'm not very pleased with what they were testing for, and if those tests come back positive, I'm going to be a lot less pleased yet.

We shall see. Waiting to hear back from the doctor's office now. At least if they come back and I'm sick with some of those things, it isn't going to be *me* calling around and doing the notifying of other parties. I'll be not-so-happily handing over the names and contact information to my doctor, to notify the health department, and they can handle that shit from there.

Danny and I were both completely sexually clean when we were with each other, so if I suddenly test positive for something that's made me sick? It didn't come from me, or from Danny. And with my already compromised immune system, treating me is going to be a massive bitch.

Meh, I got off-track. Back to changes, and all the stuff I've been doing this week. Oh yes, working my ass off, literally as it turns out. Hit the scale, and I'm down seventy one pounds, total, since October third of last year. That's quite a bit. And I'm kind of amused at myself, since I honestly haven't really done anything at all to have lost that, except not be eating anything except what I choose to eat by myself. Nobody to eat *with* anymore, and that seems to be the difference.

Guess that's good for me? But I'm pretty pleased with it. 'Chelle actually just gave me several pairs of jeans that are three sizes smaller, and I needed it, because those are once again bagging on me, and those are the ones that I couldn't get pulled *on* six months ago. I'm happy with my jeans.

I even allow pictures to be taken these days now, without yelling. It's kind of funny.

Okay, as I've got a rotten ass migraine, and I had to take some Imitrex, and I'm fairly stoned right now, I'm going to go and pass out for a couple of hours, and hope it passes so I can still work later tonight, because I need to.

Wish me luck.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Yay.

So Jeannie makes really good Thai Curry. And I appreciate greatly her taking the time and energy to cheer me up and make sure I didn't go home to an empty apartment, and feed me. It was good, and I had a good time. I hope to get the recipe, and learn to make it myself, just in case she and Matt end up stationed somewhere far away, as I really do enjoy it, and it seems like something I can probably cook.

In other news, they drew another pile of blood from me yesterday, which kind of sucked. Although I really do like the new doctor. It's not really his fault that I'm sick and broken. And I like the fact that he isn't trying to gloss anything over, or lying to me, or treating me like an imbecile. That's nice.

While my mail was bouncing back to where-ever last month, I apparently completely blew an appointment in San Francisco, which caused my neurosurgeon to drop a line on my Imaging Center, and have all scans sent to him for reading and review until I get back in touch with him. Unfortunately, as I had no way of knowing this, all I knew was that they sent my films unexpectedly out to him, and there was no reason for it, and I flipped out completely. I'm fine, btw. But it freaked me out, since the last time my films went out of town for review, they found a frickin' golf ball sized tumor in my head. Panic ensued, and it was unpleasant.

And then, just to add to the fun, there actually was bad news. There is a missing ovary, that's just gone. And the left ovary is probably a complete loss. They're going to try and shrink it down using hormones. I have between four and six months that they'll give it, and if they don't shrink the cyst within that time frame, I'm looking at surgery to remove it. And as I've only one left? That means I won't be able to have more children. He told me I should probably prepare myself for the reality of that, given my family history. He's a very practical guy. They'll do their best, using what they have, but I should prepare for the worst, especially if I had hoped to actually have kids in the future, he didn't want me hoping for something that might not happen now. And it will be up to me, if they take out my uterus and the rest. I can keep them, for in vitro, etc, if I want to, but I don't much see the point. And it hurts, knowing that.

I left pretty messed up in general. I'm still pretty messed up. And then, just to add insult to injury? My liver, the fact that it's enlarged? He actually is rather concerned. Enough to be running a slew of bloodwork to try and find the source, if there is one. And to be checking out other stuff, though he didn't elaborate on it, he said we'd discuss it when the labs came back.

So, overall? A lot of suck. And I don't understand a lot of it, because it never occurred to me to be concerned about my liver, honestly. I was kind of prepared for the reproductive problems. But some of the other things, not so much.

And I'm tired of other stuff too, like so-called friends who can't be bothered to repay money I loaned to them, to bail them out of jams, who just forget about me. And other people who walk around acting like their lives just suck, when they don't. And it bothers me, because at the moment? My life actually does suck, for the most part. And I'm holding it together, because I have to. What else am I going to do? I can't just sit and cry all the time. So I work, because I can drown everything else out while I work. But it's draining me. I passed out on my keyboard this morning, so I guess maybe I'm overdoing it a bit. But I kind of have to, if I'm going to be able to pay my bills.

I'm shutting off Comcast, because it's too expensive. I swapped out to AT&T, which will be up and running on Thursday, so they tell me. I'm switching out a lot of things that were too expensive. I'm still barely eating, which is working out well for the weight loss thing, but has to be taking a toll in other things. I know that I'm taking care of myself for the most part, but I don't know how long I can hold up on all fronts, before one of them will break.

I'm going to be looking into online college, because that will alleviate some of the work stress. I'd rather do school, and have Pell Grants pick up part of my household bills, and work a bit less, than try and kill myself working around the clock. And as a bonus, I might actually learn some stuff too. And I enjoy learning. And school will be free for me, as far as I know. I spent like three hours on the phone today, talking to various people about how to do all of those things. It will only work if I can do it online though, because I'm not prepared to go to the actual college, and sit in classes. I don't have the stamina for it.

I don't have the stamina for much these days. I can sit in front of the computer, and I figure I can probably manage books. But driving back and forth, fighting the traffic, and dealing with students and that kind of thing would overwhelm me, and probably cause my speech to go out, etc. I just don't think I could deal.

I don't know. I honestly just don't know. I want everything to calm down, and I don't know if or when it will. Sometimes I just want to stop, and give up, and make it all go away.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Some days I really just want to scream.

This? This is one of those days. Rant forthcoming.

So I packed up all of Phil's shit, to be returned to him via Danny, because now that I'm in possession of the stuff of mine that he had, it seemed like the thing to do. Except, now I'm angry. Like, really, really angry. I hadn't realized until I was finished putting it into the box and bag just how truly furious I really am.

I guess Danny asked how he was doing, and he told him that he's doing well, and he's happy. And that just makes me furious. Because honestly? He shouldn't get to be happy. He fucking lied, to everyone under the sun, about absolutely everything. He didn't tell a single fucking person anything at all that was true. He told half-truths and bold faced lies, and it makes me furious that he's now happy as a lark, and that just isn't fair in the slightest.

You shouldn't get to end up happy after you've lied your ass off, cheated on everyone, and fucked everybody over. That just isn't how it should work.

"Well, I had sex with her that one time, and then we messed around all month." And she believed him, because she wanted to. Well, yes, we had sex once, sure we did. And mess around? We certainly did a shitload of that. We had sex at least once a day, every day that month, pretty much. Along with quite a lot of other things. In pretty much every way you can imagine. So I suppose that falls under the heading of half-truth. And when I asked her if she wanted to know the actual truth? She didn't want to know, because she knew damned well if she knew the *actual* truth, she'd have to face the fact that he was willing to lie bold-faced to her, and then she'd have to take a good, hard look at who and what he is. And while cutting me out of his life might solve part of the problem, it wasn't going to solve all of it. Because there was a much bigger problem involved. He voluntarily ignored her phone calls. He set his fucking ringtone to "I've got ho's in different area codes" when she called, and laughed about it. It amused him. He was so confident in our pregnancy, that he was just waiting for confirmation, so he could dump her. And when the results didn't confirm it, then he didn't know what to do, and so he stayed for another couple of weeks, continuing to have sex with me, KNOWING that I was on no form of birth control at all. Turns out I was actually pregnant, even though the results never matched, isn't that a shame too. Too bad, that. But that's neither here, nor there. He kept sleeping with me, as thought to insure that I'd be pregnant. That's some serious issues that she just didn't want to know about. Because if she had faced up to any of that, she couldn't have decided to "make a go of it", and make their long distance relationship work. What a farce.

You don't electively put on blinders to make something work knowing that he's lying. That's ridiculous, and you especially don't do it from that kind of distance. Maybe, MAYBE, if you're local enough to keep tabs on him? But not from a distance.

And sure, I'm gone now. But all he did is trade out me for somebody else. Because he's certainly not sitting home alone, with nobody to talk to, and only his hand for company. That's not his style. He might claim to be being a good little boy, but he claimed that before, and lied without breaking a sweat. Until one of my friends outed him, he had no qualms at all about never saying a word, and sweeping everything under the table.

Face it, he went to Las Vegas, and did his little party, without ever saying "by the way, I had sex with her four days ago, and have been sleeping with her for the entire time before now. I'll be breaking it off now that we're together, but I've been with her this entire time.". And I flat out asked him to tell her. He refused, and that was why I kicked him out. I couldn't hack it, that he'd lie without any qualms. I just couldn't deal.

And now? He's fucking happy, and I just don't see how it is that he gets to be happy, when he could lie, and manipulate and fuck everyone over. And it wasn't just me who got screwed. He cheated on her, without any trouble, for a month straight. Literally. And everybody seems just fine with it. As though it was a one-time oops, and that should be forgiven? But it wasn't just a one-time deal. Not like it was a one-night stand. It was a one MONTH thing. More like a six-month deal, in fact, but still. You don't cheat on your girlfriend, who you had barely been with for two weeks, before you fell into bed with someone else, cheat for an entire MONTH, and get forgiven, and move on, being thrilled, happy, everybody goes home with a smile. It doesn't work that way.

And what woman in her right MIND trusts a man like that afterwards? Who forgives that shit? He cheated on her with me in December, and he dumped her then to choose to be with me. "Sorry, I need to talk to you, I decided to try and make it work with her." In fact, he fell into bed with me, I wouldn't let him have his way until he broke it off, and he spent the next 12 hours trying to track her down so he could break up with her. Really nice, but I wasn't having any part of cheating that time. So he broke it off. And she came flying out here, literally, to hop into bed with him, so she could have him back. Well, to be fair, she didn't actually do the deed, although she did do the sleeping in the bed with him. While insisting she just couldn't handle seeing me, and making damned sure that it would break us up. And it did. I suppose that was fair, since she'd been dumped first.

But why in the hell is it that she wants him, if he can't keep his pants on? He cheated on her, he cheated on me with her. He cheated on her with me? WHY does she think he's not going to keep doing the same thing over again, whether it's with me or not?

My apologies to my normal readers, but if I don't write it down, I seriously am going to just start screaming, and I'm tired of screaming.

If any of you have any suggestions for what I'm missing here, I'm all freaking ears.

Secret word of the week

So this week's secret word of the week is:

"closure"

Take it as you will.

I'm jumping back into the pond now.

Friday, June 6, 2008

blogging

I don't actually really have a lot to say, but I figured I should blog or people would continue to call. I'll be fine. I'm still working, I'm still alive, I'm still eating after a fashion. I'm sleeping. I'm attempting to finish putting the apartment back together, although that's getting to be slow going as I work around getting enough work done to make rent, etc. I'm logging in for work as often as I can manage to catch perverts in the pond. I'll be logged in quite a bit this weekend, as I know it's always busy during the weekends, yay!

Beyond that, as I told a couple of people who I spoke with yesterday, I need to go to the bank today and order checks, I need to pick some stuff up from Danny and drop off a couple bags of things for him to return to their owner, after that, I'll be hibernating. I'm shutting down the house phones, and my cells are both going to be more or less turned off for a bit unless it's actually an emergency. The only things I really have any interest in right now are putting things away in the apartment, and working. That's pretty much it.

It's nothing personal to anyone, and nobody did anything wrong, I just don't really want to see anybody right now, and I don't feel like being particularly social. I'll come back out of my hole in a while. No worries.

Catch everybody later.

C

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Updates to my life

This is what's going on:

Trinette is completely moved out, and I'm working, more or less around the clock. Things are going alright there, it's busy, and it will take some getting used to. She is, as far as I know, settling in at her Mom's place, and she and I are doing fine. Still friends, all is quiet on the western front. Still not sure exactly how I'm going to manage July's rent, but I'm sure that will also get worked out, and it will be fine, and in August, I'll be managing on my own just fine.

All the results are formally back from all the various ultrasounds, not just the uterine one. And I'm not sure how I feel about them.

My kidneys are fine, my pancreas is fine, my heart is fine, my spleen, all fine.

My ovaries? Are not fine. One of them is missing entirely, my right ovary wasn't there. And I know that it was there originally when I had Dana, so sometime between now and then it stopped being there. And the exam that was done was done in two ways, so I know that the tech didn't just "miss" it. It was too thorough for her to miss it. The right ovary is simply gone. About five years ago, there was an issue, and Danny and I think that was when it became gone. I'll leave it at that.

The left ovary? There's a cyst inside of it, that's taking up virtually the entire thing. Chances are that that's why I've been pregnant twice in the last six months, and both times I couldn't sustain them. Chances are that the eggs that are releasing are so badly damaged at this point that they're not even capable of producing a healthy child. They're most likely not sustainable in any fashion that would result in a fully functional child. There's simply not enough space left in my left ovary to produce viable eggs, I don't think.

Which means, in basic English, that chances are it's about that time in my life that my reproductive organs are about to be pulled. If I only have one ovary to begin with, and they're going to take it out, they might as well take everything else too. And then there will be no more babies for me, ever. I've known that since I was about sixteen, that at some point I wouldn't be having all my female bits. But I guess I wasn't quite as well-prepared as I thought.

And I'm hurting. I feel rather like less than useless right now, as a woman in general. I couldn't sustain a baby that I wanted desperately, twice. I don't have Dana. I am just generally completely a failure in general as a mother. And it hurts like hell. And no, there's nothing anything anyone is going to be able to say that is going to take that feeling away and make it better right now. I know that it's not particularly a valid feeling, and I haven't done anything wrong to cause it. But it doesn't much change anything.

Oh, and yes, there are some gallstones, so score one for the doctor who wanted my gallbladder checked. I guess I'll get to take yet another weird pill to cause them to splinter into pieces or whatever. My liver is also enlarged, although they're not sure why. It could be that it's just naturally that way. It might be that the amount of medications I take caused it to become bigger, and it might be a danger to my health because of it. It might be a number of things. Who knows.

Yay for having completely fucked up health, right? Just once, just one time, I'd like to have normal health, and be a normal functional person. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently so.

And now, I'm going to go and play in the pervert pond again, because honestly that's more fun than thinking about anything, and I'd rather sit and entertain the perverts than live my own life right now.

If nobody hears from me for a while, assume that all I'm doing is working, and that I'm fine. I'll blog, and log in and out of MySpace and FaceBook. Don't worry about me.

Love, Crys

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Secret word of the week

This week my secret word of the week is:

"progression"

And I guess I can finally start moving on.
Even if it hurts.