Sunday, February 24, 2008

Do you ever feel as though no matter what you do, you're somehow doing *something* wrong? Because I feel that way altogether too frequently. I'm working on it. I shouldn't feel bad as often as I do. And a lot of the time, I end up feeling rotten for things that aren't even my fault. I spend a lot of my time trying to spare someone else's feelings, and in the end, the feelings that are hurt are my own. And it sucks. A lot.

I have problems with communication. It can be a massive failure of mine, because I have a tendency to not take at face value offers of genuine assistance. I forget that sometimes, people genuinely are not out to get me, and when they ask me if I'm doing well, or if I need something, that they mean what they say, and I should respond in kind.

But I don't. I don't answer. I don't reach for the hand that is offered. Not on the first attempt. Because too often, people have given me an offer of "help", and used my words or my feelings against me, to cause me harm, and cause me injury. And as a result, I tend to take nothing at face value. And I recognize this as a failing in me, but I forgot that people don't know this. And I forget to warn people that when I brush off those offers of assistance, that it isn't that I don't actually need the help. It is not that I do not want their concern or their caring or their love. It has more to do with the fact that if you do not push at me a bit, I will not accept that help. I flinch from kindness offered. I expect to get slapped, and as a result, I cower, and brace for a smack instead of reaching for a hand. A failure in myself, and a loss to those who offer to love me and comfort me with genuine concern for my well-being.

It has come to my attention recently that I am still wounding people without meaning to. That my actions are still causing harm, whether by inattention to what goes on around me, or by simply not having opened communication clearly enough. And I am so tired of that. Tired of being a cause of pain.

I accused someone today of using me for their convenience, without regard to my feelings. And realized that I have been guilty of similar things to others in the not too recent past. Without realizing it, because we never actually talked about it. I assumed he would simply tell me how he felt. And I guess he assumed I would know that he felt it. Too much assumption. No communication. And everything went to shit. And I hate it that I could cause pain unintentionally. I'll not have anyone think that they're there, just because they're convenient to me. I place more value on the people I care about than that, even if I have to stop and consciously check myself and say it.

I have to do that a lot lately. Remember that telling people they are important aloud matters. I have to remember a great many things recently. I should start keeping a running list.

My life has changed. The direction I want my life to go has changed. Where I'm going, and what I'm doing, and how I feel has changed. What I want has changed, and is changing daily. I'm not altogether certain how I feel about that.

A lot of things have changed for me, and are going to continue to change. The people in Fresno who thought they knew who and what I wanted? They don't have a clue. The truth is that very few people right now actually have any idea what's going on inside my head. I am not sharing a lot of information with many people, because I am tired of being manipulated and talked about and around. I have, finally, gotten to the point where I have a fair grasp on what I want. I'm beginning to feel somewhat settled. I have not made a concrete decision, not quite yet. And I am not ready to announce any type of decision to the world. I am in no great rush to sit and declare "XYZ".

I can live both with and without many things, I have learned that in the last few weeks. I don't *need* anyone to complete me. I thought that I did. When I left Fresno, I thought I was going to fall completely apart, I missed both Danny and Phillip so much that it physically hurt me. And I miss them both now. And they both hurt me, badly. But I do not *need* either one of them, to keep functioning. I can stand still, look around, and be just fine. I needed that.

I had not realized just how much I put into being what was necessary for them. Danny's Crystal. I have been Danny's Crystal for so long. He's my best friend. And losing him hurt. So very badly. I have held him up, and supported him, and had our lives interlinked for so many years, that it feels like a part of me is missing, to be gone. When something goes wrong, it has been Danny that I call, because that's the first thing that comes to mind. And when I finally put my things into my car, and left...it very nearly broke me. It would have been so very easy to stay. He wanted me to stay. He wanted me to come back. He still wants me to come home. But come home to what, precisely? So that I can keep living some sort of half-life, where we all play this make-believe game where I hide in my room, and come out when it's convenient, and I'm there when he needs me to keep his life running smooth with his new girlfriend? That isn't much of a life for me. And it's become this massive ball of stress for me, to be in the middle of a maelstrom.

And then there's Phil. And Gods, how badly I fucked up that. Yes, I could and did take excellent care of him. I love him. I'm not capable of not loving him. That isn't the problem. The problem is that he loves someone else. The same way I focus on him? He focused on her. And he has that right, the right to love anyone he chooses. He can't help who he loves, any more than I can. And I was fighting a losing battle right from the start. Because he dumped everything he had right at her feet, and it left me with nothing. Because I also was dumping everything *I* had, at his feet. Which left me with nothing as well. He and I are much the same that way. All or nothing. And it left us both empty...but not empty together. And I had to let it go. I can't hold on to what breaks me. A merry-go-round of pain, I just can't ride. He wants me, but can't love me, because all the love he has, is already poured at her feet. And I've dealt with that. I made my mistakes. I made a promise to him, and I don't even know if he remembers that I made it, but I'm still me, and I keep my word. I should never have hurt him. I have no desire at all to see him twist into a knot of confusion because of me, not now or ever. All I want for him is his happiness. I wish him well. I always have.

Clarity is a wonderful thing.

Secret word of the week

This week my word of the week is:

"ennui"

and the simple truth is that I've chosen it because I'm thoroughly irritated at a couple of things, and saddened by them at the same time. I feel like I've trod the same circles, and played the same games, this time unwillingly, and I've decided it's for the last time.

So, my word of the week reflects my mood, and besides that, 'tis an interesting word.

I'm busy for the rest of the day, and I'll put up a full blog sometime later, because we've got company and I don't wish to be rude to them.

Hope everyone is having a lovely day.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Musings from the ill

The entire household has been sick. Melissa has a sinus infection, treated with antibiotics. Shawn had bronchitis. Baby Lauren had an earache. Emily has a cold, with a nasty cough. David's got a sinus infection, antibiotics for him too. And the baby, Ashley? An eye infection, an ear infection and pneumonia. Suffice to say I'm sporting pneumonia and on antibiotics and fairly miserable. I've been slamming them for the duration. That poor baby girl, though. Her neglectful, miserable mother just couldn't be bothered, and that poor kid has had pneumonia for two months. Her lungs were so full of fluid that you couldn't see her ribs on the chest x-ray. Her body had stopped even trying to fight the infection. If she hadn't been seen, she probably would simply have not woken up one morning, because her body had just given up. The poor baby. And her mother just doesn't seem to care, even now. Tonight, her night off? The baby is here. Her mother is out, with her boyfriend, because she doesn't care enough to want to spend time with her sick child. She makes me sick. The whole idea of it makes me sick.

Why bother having kids in the first place, if you don't want to actually play with them? If you don't want to take care of them, show them you love them, spend time with them? Not just tell them, but *show* them. Parent them? Why bother? If you're just going to shuttle them from daycare to daycare, and basically ignore them, and consider them an inconvenience to your lifestyle, why fucking bother? Give the poor things to someone who actually will love them, and take care of them. Foster care would actually be better for some kids than being with parents who can't be bothered. Shove the kid into a corner, into a room, ignore it all the time. Wait until the poor thing is screaming for your attention before you yell in frustration at it, and then wonder why all it does is cry at you? Wonder why your kid will more or less behave for anyone else except you? Probably because you ignore it all the time. That might be it. If you ignore your kid all the time, except to shuttle it from point A to point B, it's going to treat you the way you treat it. God, I'm so frustrated and disgusted I could scream. Some people should just be smacked upside the head, and shouldn't be allowed to keep their kids. Sad, but true.

Wow, that was a hell of a tangent, even for me. I really am thoroughly disgusted. It might have something to do with me not having Dana. Because I didn't do anything wrong or bad, that caused her to not be with me. I was sick, and so it isn't as though I was neglecting her, or abusing her. So to have to look at people who willfully or intentionally mistreat their kids, because they can't be bothered just makes me sick and depressed. Because children are so precious, and some people can't seem to appreciate what they have.

I'm going to stop blogging now, before I rile myself up any further. Goodnight.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Joy, and pain, sunshine, and rain....

I'm still doing my thing at Melissa's, and I'm still content here. I was in Fresno for a couple of days.

I spent Valentine's Day with Phillip, and did some catching up with him, had dinner, watched cheesy TV shows as is our wont. It was nice. Familiar and comfortable. Having some time and space apart has helped us. Perspective helps a lot. I needed that. We're doing alright, and that was good for me to know. I'm glad that I haven't lost him. He's very important to me, and it's good to know that we're still standing.

I am, however, hurting. And both Phillip and I lost something precious, and that loss is going to hurt me for a while. I don't know whether or not it hurts him, but I suspect that it does. But at the end of the day, I learned something that I didn't know, and that when it mattered, he was there for me. He did and does care, and I should have called him and told him what was going on from the beginning, and not just run away from things. I should have believed in him more, and not been so afraid. I should have trusted that he wouldn't have been angry at me for something I had no control over, and that he would have held me when it all fell apart. As soon as he figured out what pain I was in, he did just that. The mistake was mine in not calling for him immediately. He genuinely doesn't like seeing me hurting, and doesn't want me to cry.

I still haven't made any decisions on what I want to do about my living situation in Fresno. I am enjoying my time at Melissa's, it's very serene and comfortable here, and she's wonderful company. I also quite enjoy talking with Shawn. He's quite entertaining, and intelligent. Qualities I admire and enjoy in a friend.

We had a good time this weekend. We played board games, and basically just hung out and kicked back. We ate dinner, because Melissa's an awesome cook. A good time was had.

Okay, that's enough blogging for me, for tonight. Perhaps there will be more later. Perhaps not tonight. I'm kind of tired. Goodnight internets.

Listening to: Everybody Knows - Leonard Cohen

Secret word of the week

This week's word of the week is going to be:

"circumspect"

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Success!

Ahh, and there was much success in babysitting! I'm rather proud. I took care of the baby and the toddler today, by myself for several hours, and I'm rather proud of that. It went smoothly, flawlessly, even.

Shawn and Melissa were both gone, one to an orientation, and one to the dentist, so I stayed with the girls. Which wouldn't be complicated at all, except that the baby is completely breastfed, and, well, I don't have the *ahem* correct equipment to furnish those needs. But we managed. I even got her to take a nap. I'm stoked. It went great.

I even got the living room picked up. Yay!

And this afternoon, I think we'll be making several loaves of challah, and some snickerdoodles. Woohoo!

I feel accomplished. I really do. Which is sort of lame, but whatever. I'm still proud of myself. I didn't think it would go quite as well as it did this morning.

Although looking at the clock, I need to remember to send Shawn to go to get Ashley if noon rolls around and Melissa isn't back in time.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Tear my heart open, my weakness is that I cared too much

Gods, I'm so tired. I am exhausted. Which was obvious by the fact that once I finally passed out sometime last night, I must've been out cold, because Sissa came in and out of my room today, and I didn't wake up until...after nine this morning? And I was out cold. I didn't even really hear her. I knew it had to be coming.

I'm feeling a little morose today. Sissa's trying to cheer me up, but I'm still kind of bumming. Can't put on my sunny smile all the time. I'll bounce back, I know I will. But it still hurts, you know? I'm hoping my book shows up quickly, so I have something to read. Self-help books for the win, right? Besides that, I like non-fiction books sometimes.

I'll probably be running in and out of Fresno Friday, so that I can see the doctor and pick up more stuff. I *might* be crashing there overnight, depending on how tomorrow's phone conversation goes. I'm hoping to not have to be stuck there for the entire weekend. If I can get the second half of what I need done on Saturday, I'll do that, and come back here Saturday right after, and if I can't, then I'm stuck. But I can hope. I don't really want to have to be there until Tuesday. Either way, I have to see the doctor Friday. Yay. Refills, and scheduling an MRI among other things. Being sick is a pain in my ass.

Things are going all right for me. I'm still somewhat conflicted inside of my head, but that's mostly because I just don't know what I want to do personally. I feel like I don't know what to do with my life, and that's very hard for me. Changing my whole life is very hard. And I'm scared. I'm not used to being this frightened. I never thought I would be afraid.

I do know that I need to do something different than what I was doing. Going around in circles was getting me nowhere. Walking in place did nothing for me. And staying in place and being in pain wasn't helping me or anyone else.


**Currently playing: Scars - Papa Roach**

Secret word of the week

This week's secret word of the week is not a very happy one, and it's going up for Annwynn, and her family:

This week is for Thorne, the brave little kitten who passed on this morning:

"loss"

We'll miss you little guy :(

Saturday, February 9, 2008

*ahem*

There was pie. And coffee. And lots of visiting. And many children running amok. I feel like I should be dancing around singing "amok amok amok", only that would make me insane. Oh, wait. I'm there already.

Ezzie came out and looked over the small new munchkin, and deemed her acceptable, and we all moved on. The visit was wonderful, and it was great to see her.

I would have happily spent several more days catching up, but alas, bedtimes prevailed, and home they went. Yay for being close enough for day trips.

It's actually not as late as my body feels like it is. There's some other stuff going on with me right now, stuff that's making me a little more exhausted than I should actually be feeling, but I'll get better and stronger as time passes, and I know it.

I have to go see a doctor at the end of next week/beginning of the week after, and that will give me a complete checkup and tell me that everything is fine, and if it's not I'll get a more thorough checking out physically. I know how rundown I actually am, and the last couple of days have been really hard on my body, so I know that I can't keep pushing it like this. I'm only stubborn to a certain point, and I won't push it past that. I've gotten the appropriate lectures, and I'll be okay.

As tired as I am, and as horrible as I feel, this too shall pass. Nothing lasts forever.

**currently listening to: "Let her cry - Hootie & the Blowfish"**

Excited!

AnitaBlakeFan is on her way to visit me, right now! And she baked me a homemade apple pie. It's good to be me. Mmmm, pie. Yay. I'm super excited, I am so looking forward to getting to visit with her, and meet her absolutely gorgeous little munchkin.

So yeah. Things are going all right. I'm a little tired, a little worn down. But overall, I'm doing okay. I should stop hiding in my room right now though, it sounds like the adults could use a hand corralling the small ones. Baby Lauren sounds like she wants some attention.

Somewhere, there is bound to be coffee. Mmmm. Coffee.

And pie. Pie!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Blasts from the past

Sometimes are good things. And I got one tonight. Well, to be fair, I went and found one tonight. I called an old friend, and talked until the phone died. And it was good. And I missed her. I can't remember a lot of things, which is a problem I have frequently. And you know what? It doesn't matter any more. The things I can't remember. I don't need them. I'll build from what I have now, and work from there. And it was great to hear her voice. I hope she can come up this weekend and visit me, and if she can't, maybe I'll suck it up and go visit her. And if that's not possible either, then damnit, we'll pick a different weekend, and we'll work it out, because I want to see her.

I miss her. It was good to talk and to laugh and to joke. And to exchange witticisms with someone who can speak at a level using words beyond the fourth grade. YAY!

I don't even remember which word she chose, but she rattled it off, and I just marveled that someone besides me throws down seventy-five-cent monstrosities. Awesome.

I've been playing scrabulous with Melissa all day, and I suck balls. I'm horrible. And it's good fun. I need to remember to change out the settings though, because it accepts all these oddball words that are in various languages and whatnot, because I have it set to tournament level, and what I want it actually idiot level. Scrabble being not a game I'm particularly brilliant at, as much as I enjoy playing.

Tomorrow is Shabbat here at Melissa's, and I'm looking forward to it, because I think I will enjoy the ceremony of it. I think I'll actually look up somewhat tomorrow about the meaning behind it, because I know that it's a big deal around here on Friday nights. I like the idea of the symbolism.

I'm doing...better. I really am. Today was a good day for me, and I like that. Even when a few curves got thrown at me, I'm dealing much better than I was, and that helps. Things are settling around me, and I am dealing better.

I thank whichever deity is handy for Melissa's very timely intervention, because I so obviously did need somebody to help me. I honestly am having trouble making healthy decisions for myself these days, and I finally can accept that. Doing what's best for me isn't necessarily easy for me. I'm very good at doing what's best and good for everyone else. I'm great at handling everyone else's problems. But doing what's healthy and best for me? Not so much. And so for right now? I'm letting Melissa hold my hand, and help me. Because my vision isn't always clear, and my thought processes aren't always making sense. And with the distance and the ability to deal, I can at least see that now.

So, I thank Melissa and Shawn for their very generous offer of giving me a home to stay at, and a place to heal and think and the love and comfort and security to figure things out in peace. It's helped in many ways I can't even articulate, and I'm very, very grateful. And your munchkins are pretty cool too :)

Yet more sneezing.

Yay. And I ordered a book from Amazon, which they are quite obligingly sending to Melissa's house. Whee. I like books. Books are awesome. Mmm. I should ask about going and getting a library card here too, now that I'm thinking about it. Or maybe she has one already. Libraries are awesome too. Once I get done being sick, that is. (sneeze)

I think Ezzie is finally adjusting, at least, he comes out from under the blankets on my bed more now. And he's being a basic pain in the butt at night again now, so I'm guessing he's doing all right.

I wish I'd brought my electric kettle. When I feel this lousy, hot tea always sounds good, and boiling water, or even microwaving water, kind of sucks. And I hate it that Melissa keeps waiting on me. Even though she claims she likes to. It's very odd. Must be a Jewish housewife thing. (shakes head in wonder)

I have absolutely no idea how she does it. She has three children. She cooks. She cleans. She takes immaculate care of her children and her husband, like all the time. She does all these side projects, like sewing and stuff. And she makes these elaborate invitations for weddings and stuff (it's a side-job thing that she's making into an actual semi-career as though she isn't busy enough). She studies for her conversion into Judaism, she cooks these fancy meals from scratch that make my cooking skills seem sad and pathetic, and she bakes better than most bakeries. It's freaking amazing.

Obviously Melissa absolutely astounds me, can you tell?

I just don't know how she finds enough hours in the day for everything she does. And she's happy. She's centered and focused and she plays with her children, and you can tell that they're loved and well-tended. It absolutely shines from them. I honestly don't know how anyone can do everything she does, and not just collapse. Melissa is amazing.


Ok, I'm done singing her praises now. I'll probably sing more later :)

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Ahhhh-CHOOO

Yes, that is the sound of me sneezing. And it sucks. I'm not dying or anything. At least, not yet. Of course, I might end up begging somebody to come and bring me my medical cards, because I'm a complete moron and forgot them. With all my nice organized lists? I left *those* in Fresno. And I don't need them, unless I have to go into an emergency room. So I might end up begging someone to bring them to me.

But not yet. For right now, it's just sneezing and misery. Oh yay. At least Bakersfield isn't a ridiculous distance away, right?

Other than that. I'm actually rather enjoying playing with the small baby-type things. And the menagerie of animals is kind of cool. There are ferrets here. Ferrets are neat. And OH MY LORD, Melissa bakes. And cooks. And did I mention she bakes?

People should come and visit me!

Anyhow. (sneeze)

More on the whole love addiction thing

The Avoidant Person/Love Addict Person Pattern

Person:
Avoidant person

Desires:
Wants to be connected, but not closely

Fears:
Greatest fear is intimacy/engulfment
Can have a hard time rejecting others or saying no

Attracted To:
Individuals who provide much of the enthusiasm and intimacy for both of them

Behaviours:
Ambivalence all the way through may be in relationship because can't say no

Process of a person's relationships:
May show initial traditional romantic pursuing, but ultimately enters relationship because love addict provides most of the “intimate energy”; may fear would never make into a relationship otherwise

As love addict wants more and more attention avoidant attempts to please by giving it to them--at least initially

Eventually avoidant becomes overwhelmed by enmeshment and/or neediness of love addict, becomes critical, and eventually backs off from relationship or abandons it

Feels relationship has failed, sometimes gets involved with addictive behavior or affairs to distance, distract, or numb out

May return to relationship out of guilt or fear of being totally alone, or moves on to connect with another partner

Cycle of abandoning and returning can go on and on, especially if love addict starts to move on

****
Person:
Love addict

Desires:
Security, safety acceptance, “oneness” (merger)

Fears:
Greatest fear is abandonment

Underlying fear is healthy intimacy (in enmeshment the core of the person is actually sealed off)

Attracted To:
Self-contained individuals who appear strong, stable (often avoidant or obsessive compulsive, like their families of origin)

Behaviours:
Line up next relationship before leaving current one--forming love triangles

Instant closeness, looking for “magic” feeling

Idealizing partner

Obsessing about partner

Talking obsessively to others about him or her

Acting out anger and revenge for being abandoned

Enters relationship in haze of fantasy--found this stable, strong, accepting individual

Gets high from fantasy

Denies how walled in avoidant really is

Avoidant gradually becomes distant and shuts down, abandons relationship in some way

Love addict acts out anger & revenge, turns to affairs and addictive sex

Partner capitulates and renews relationship, or love addict moves on to new relationship

Sense of self and self esteem does not develop--love addict remains in dependent position. Ability to tolerate fear and discomfort must develop for growth to occur

Sex and love addiction

40 Questions for Self-Diagnosis

40 Questions for Self Diagnosis
excerpted © 1985 S.L.A.A.

The following questions are designed to be used as guidelines to identifying possible signposts of sex and love addiction. They are not intended to provide a sure-fire method of diagnosis, nor can negative answers to these questions provide absolute assurance that the illness is not present. Many sex and love addicts have varying patterns which can result in very different ways of approaching and answering these questions. Despite this fact, we have found that short, to-the-point questions have often provided as effective a tool for self-diagnosis as have lengthy explanations of what sex and love addiction is. We appreciate that the diagnosis of sex and love addiction is a matter that needs to be both very serious and very private. We hope that these questions will prove helpful.


1.) Have you ever tried to control how much sex to have or how often you would see someone?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

2.) Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

3.) Do you feel that you don't want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

4.) Do you get "high" from sex and/or romance?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

5.) Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

6.) Do you make promises to yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

7.) Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don't (didn't) want to have sex with?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

8.) Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

9.) Have you ever felt that you had to have sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

10.) Do you believe that someone can "fix" you?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

11.) Do you keep a list, written or otherwise, of the number of partners you've had?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

12.) Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover or sexual partner?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

13.) Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you've had?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

14.) Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

15.) Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g.. the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

16.) Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

17.) Do you feel that your only (or major) value in a relationship is your ability to perform sexually, or provide an emotional fix?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

18.) Do you feel that you're not "really alive" unless you are with your sexual / romantic partner?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

19.) Do you feel entitled to sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

20.) Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

21.) Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

22.) Do you believe that the problems in your "love life" result from continuing to remain with the "wrong" person?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

23.) Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

24.) Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

25.) Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not mean to?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

26.) Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

27.) Do you have sex and/or "relationships" to try to deal with, or escape from life's problems?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

28.) Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

29.) Do you engage in the practice of voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc. in ways that bring discomfort and pain?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

30.) Do you find yourself needing greater and greater variety and energy in your sexual or romantic activities just to achieve an "acceptable" level of physical and emotional relief?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

31.) Do you need to have sex, or "fall in love" in order to feel like a "real man" or a "real woman"?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

32.) Do you feel that your sexual and romantic behavior is about as rewarding as hijacking a revolving door?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

33.) Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

34.) Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

35.) Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual and romantic activities for a given period of time?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

36.) Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

37.) Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

38.) Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

39.) Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your excessive dependency needs?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

40.) Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

Still gone

And at the end of the day, I've finally made several decisions. Not that I'm planning on posting a whole lot of detail about them on here. I figure anyone who wants to know what's going on, can call me for information, and I will probably tell them what they need to know.

I'm...calm, sort of. A little more centered. I have that perspective I've been searching for. And distance has helped. I'm going to be all right, in the long run. It's going to take time, and I have enough of that to spare, which is good.

I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. I still feel violated, and alone. And those are all valid feelings. I'm grateful to my friends. Grateful for the people who are helping me through this.

And I'm tired. Truth be told, I'm exhausted. I had a bad night last night. The power went out, I think a transformer blew out? So it was dark. And I had taken some of my medication, the one that causes me to have panic attacks when I take it. So it was dark, and I was alone. And I couldn't reach anyone to talk me down...and it sucked. I don't like being alone when I'm on those meds, and it was bad.

And I was sad, sad to realize that there was no one who would talk to me. Sad to realize that there wasn't anybody at all who was there for me now. Melissa would have gotten up, but she has kids, and things she would've needed to do today. I just wanted a voice on the phone.

I'm going to spend some time working through my feelings for a while, working through a lot of things. That's what I've been doing here. Working through things.

I was shocked to realize that what I thought I wanted back so badly? I don't, not really. I miss my friend, but beyond that? No so much. I don't like being treated like shit. Snapped at just because I happen to be there. I honestly miss my friend. But if I lose that, I can't control it. And I'll learn how to handle it.

I hadn't realized how badly I needed this space. The constant three-ring circus of my life really had twisted me into a ball of emotional instability. I hadn't realized just how much. I have spent so much of my time for the last few months making sure everyone else but me was stable and happy, without any consideration for myself, that it's ridiculous.

I placed no value on myself, unless it was for the sake of someone else. I'm not doing that now. I don't know if I'm proud of that or not. I do know that it's a novel experience for me. I have a value as a person, for just myself. Only while juggling to keep everybody else balanced, I just couldn't see it. All I could see was that I was useful to everybody else, for what I was to them. Never what I was just as me.

And being me isn't so bad. To be perfectly honest, I'm not a bad person. I really am an outstanding friend. I'm loyal to my friends. I will generally bend over backwards to help them out. And I will sit for hours on end listening to their problems, and helping find solutions. I can be counted on in times of trouble. I'm good in a crunch. I'm a damn good friend.

But I never remember to take care of myself. And it's time for me to remember to do that. I tried, the other way. Letting my happiness be dependent on what I did for others. Whether what I did for them was enough. That didn't work. This is better. Now I need to try and find a way to learn to be happy with the small things that make me happy.

Writing. Reading books. I'm having a great time playing with the babies here. My cat makes me happy. I'm betting my sewing skills are about to improve drastically, because Melissa is a hell of a seamstress, and I bet I'll pick up tips and tricks from her. I remember a time when the things I did, my hobbies, and who I was, made me happy. I didn't need external sources to make me happy. I can remember that.

The constant fight to try and force a happy relationship that didn't seem to be working, obviously wasn't worth it. Ultimately, all it did was cause trouble all the way around. I was too close to see it. I wish I'd left sooner. It might have saved a lot of pain for a lot of people. I don't like hurting people.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Taking a page out of someone else's blog

How did we find ourselves in this place?

For five months, you've told me that I was too important to you, for you to risk losing me. That you simply could not and would not tolerate that. If nothing else, above all, that friendship was not something you were willing to give up. In fact, all the other bullshit aside, that was what you were most concerned about getting injured in amongst all the other things that went on.

But it seems to me, from where I am now, where I finally went to gain some perspective and some peace, that you don't give a shit about that friendship, not if you actually have to do something to repair it. You know you were the one who fractured it. You asked more of me than anyone should have asked of a lover. More of a friend, too. And I broke, trying to keep you together, and happy. And now that I'm broken, like a toy too often discarded and left in the yard without care, you no longer care enough to repair me, and take care of me.

I am disappointed, in myself and in you. I thought better of you than that. I had thought myself a better judge of character. I honestly thought that you were the loyal, honest, trustworthy man that I believed you to be. I know that you made a mistake that weekend. I know that you did something you shouldn't have done, and I know that it hurt you and it hurt me. And that sucks, and I tried to get past it, and let it go. Because in spite of what it cost me, I love you anyway. And you were so guilt-ridden, I didn't want it to wreck what we had. And you were so confused, and so angry. And with each passing day, especially when she started talking bullshit about you, you got more and more angry at her, because of the bullshit.

And once you had distance from her, we were fine. Happy, even? And even if we'd tried, and failed, I could have lived with that. Because then, we would have been friends, as friends would have been fine. But instead of the promise you made, where you took space from her, and we made that attempt, with her not a part of your life for a while...while I was gone, for three days? You just couldn't resist talking to her while I was gone. And I know you tell me that it has nothing to do with her. This choice to change your mind, and not give it a chance now. But now, the two of you are friends again...and we're not.

I know that was her plan, a while back. That she had no intention of so much as being you friend, if you had anything to do with me. It was one of her conditions, as I recall. That I be gone from your life, if she was to be in it. And that pissed you off completely. You wanted no part of that. But that seems to have gotten lost in the shuffle, with me out of town trying to sort things out. And she leapt on that, didn't she? Me being out of town. What happened to you wouldn't call her, she wouldn't call you, while you and I were together?

So how did we find ourselves here? How did we go from you weren't willing to give up a friendship with me, not willing to risk our friendship...how did we go from that, to you just don't care enough to even try to repair it, even though you know that it's broken, because of the things you did that wounded it, and me? Why do you not have any regard at all for my feelings, and the way you injured me? And injure me you did, partially unintentionally, and partially because of what you did that weekend, and the fact that you wanted me to hold you together, and while I did...you've now gone back to her...and trashed me and our friendship in the process.

I'm angry at you. You lied to me. You betrayed me. You broke me. I have the right to be angry. You act as though those aren't valid feelings, and that I'm in the wrong, and I'm not, and that isn't fair. You get defensive, because you know that my anger is perfectly valid and that what you're doing isn't fair to me. I did nothing to harm you. I took care of you when you needed it, and you've now treated me with less courtesy than you would generally show an enemy in a war. I was loyal, and honest and trustworthy.

I was all of the things, and I *proved* that I was and am all of the things that *she* is not. And you keep going back, as though it's some sick addiction. You know what she's capable of. It's not love, it's lust? Some sick infatuation you simply can't pull away from? She's manipulated you, because she has all your secrets and knows precisely how, and you keep letting her, because you can't seem to walk away long enough for your head to stop spinning. I thought you were stronger than that.

You were doing fine, with no contact. I know, because I was there. You were hurting, but you were finally clear-headed. Right up until she finally could speak to you, and twist you around again. Then the merry-go-round started spinning again. You were conflicted. You didn't know how you felt. You were confused again. And we fought. And I ran. I can see now that I shouldn't have. And now it's too late for that.

I don't envy you the position you're in Phillip. It's very hard, to be addicted to something that's so dangerous and so potentially lethal for you. And anyone who can do the damage to you that she can is dangerous indeed.

Fingers have been pointed at me for years, for what I did to you a long time ago. She points them at me regularly. Only now, I'm not the danger to you. I'm the safety zone. I was the comfort, and the person who was willing to shatter to make sure you were well cared for, and wouldn't break. And I think, if you sit and really think about it, you'll see that's true. I'm good for you. I was very good for you. Even when we go head-to-head, and disagree on some things, I was good for you. Because I *don't* hurt you. Because I wouldn't hurt you. Because I have no desire to twist you up for my own personal gain.

Be careful of what you're so willing to throw away, Phillip. I told you point-blank that if you want to keep this friendship intact, it has to be you who repairs it. You broke it, and I won't fix it. I didn't do anything wrong this time, and I mean it. But I won't play bullshit games either. If you try, I won't sit and play twisted little petty games. I won't pretend that I'm not still angry. I won't pretend that I'm not hurt and confused and betrayed. But I'll still be me.

Monday, February 4, 2008

It takes a special kind of bitch

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Time after time

Unless something changes drastically in the next 8 hours, I'll be rolling into Fresno tomorrow morning, and picking up my cat and some more of my stuff, and I'll be gone for a while. I talked to my roommate, and I need to be gone.

I can normally handle a lot of everyone else's problems, without missing a beat. Keep a lot of balls in the air, sort of like a circus juggler. But lately my skills are lacking. And I can't seem to keep things under control in the slightest.

I can't handle the drama in my household. There's too much tension, there's too much stress. There's too much...well, there's just too much, and I'll leave it at that.

And if it was just that, I'd be able to deal. I'd figure out a way to work it out.

But it isn't just that. I have an actual life that I'm dealing with too. And because I have that, and the stress at home, I just couldn't deal. And I ran away. Maybe it was petty, and maybe it's childish and pathetic, but it's what I did. And I don't know what else I can do, but stay gone, and try and deal from a distance.

And I miss you, Phillip. I tried, and I failed. But I miss you. I just wanted you to know that.

White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Dido - White Flag

Goodbye to you?

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to


And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

Michelle Branch - Goodbye To You

Late nights and coffee

Or perhaps early mornings and coffee. I shouldn't even be awake right now, but I couldn't sleep again. So I'm sitting here quietly and blogging. I don't have a whole lot to say, not really. I haven't really talked to anyone except Melissa in days. She checked on me, and I cried copiously on her shoulder. A lot. I've been crying a lot. It's been kind of an off and on thing. I'm perfectly fine more or less and then the floodgates open again, and then I'm fine again. It's very strange.

I honestly don't know if there's any point to going home. I need to swing through town long enough to get more of my stuff, because I left so abruptly last week that I really didn't bring some of the things I actually do *need*. I have a list going now of some of the stuff I need. But aside from swinging through town for an hour or hour and a half to pack, and load up my car, and leave again...There's no reason to stay.

I feel...unwanted. Like an inconvenience to the people I thought loved me and wanted me to be there, and it's a very uncomfortable and painful feeling. And honestly, it hurt a lot to realize just how obsolete I am there. Just a space-filler?

I don't think anyone actually wants to have me around, because they want to be with me for *me*. I'm a convenient warm body. I'm a nice buffer in between other people. I'm good for this thing or that thing. I'm useful for a various set of functions, I suppose.

But does no one actually want me just because I'm Crystal? I'm beginning to wonder about that. And so I left. And now I'm gone...and nobody really seemed to care. I've been gone for days, and haven't talked to anyone except Melissa. I'll give credit where it's due there. She cares a lot, and has definitely been here for me in more ways than one, and I love and appreciate the masses of concern she's given me.

I know 'Chelle has been sick and so I've only talked to her online, I'm not bashing my friends. I'm just tired and frustrated and I feel abandoned and alone. Yes, I ran away. I suppose I thought that when I ran...someone would call and see if I was all right? Would care that I was gone? Would want to talk to me? Would want me to come home? And when no one did, it caused me to cry, and hurt, and have to re-evaluate a lot of things. Because the knowledge I thought I was secure in, I obviously am not now.

And at this point, because I have called a few people, and not gotten any answers at all...I have stopped even trying to call. I figure if anyone wants me, they know how to get ahold of me. I'm not that difficult to reach. I tried. So now I sit, and I think. And I write here, and in my journals for what I don't want the masses knowing. I'm reading a lot. Thinking a lot. And at the end of each day, I sigh because I know that every day that passes puts a little more space between me and "home". And at the end of each day, I know that I'm going to have to make some sort of decision soon, and I still don't know exactly what I want to do. I can't live in limbo forever.

I'm sad and lonely and alone. But I was tired of being home, and alone even when I wasn't alone. Tired of feeling like nobody cared and pretending everything was fine when it wasn't. Tired of fighting. I don't want to be just a convenience to someone. And if I'm going to *feel* lost and alone and used...I might as well just *be* alone.

I try so hard, so much of the time, to not ask for much from anyone. I don't ask for attention. I don't ask for love or much of anything. I never did. Not even with Danny. It was kind of sad, actually. I guess I always thought I just didn't deserve to ask for anything. Wasn't worth enough to deserve things like being loved or getting attention like normal people. And so when I actually do poke my head out of my shell and say I need something, and get slapped for my trouble, I flinch back and it's that much harder for me to attempt to ask for anything again. The problem with that is that I can end up getting trampled on, because I'm easily taken for granted...if you're not careful with me, you won't notice that I'm even there. And it's very easy to overlook the fact that I can be easily hurt...because I didn't ask for anything, and I worry easily because there are no normal agreements between partners in a relationship. I don't make "rules". I don't ask for even the slightest bit of common courtesy, because then I'd have to ask for something at all. I'd have to admit I need something, and I'm very very bad at that.

Reverse any and all basic situations...and you'll find that what you take as "what, do I have to check in with you?" I never, ever, cause you to have to worry about from me. You always have a rough idea of where I am, or what I'm up to. You don't need to worry about me. Common courtesy. Not a play by play. Not permission to be somewhere. Just a rough idea, because you have a rough idea of what time I'm generally going to be somewhere...and generally a goodnight call or text at the end of the day, so you know I didn't forget about you. Nothing complicated. Something I do for all my friends, actually. So no one worries about me. So they know they're valued, and appreciated in my life. So they don't need to ask me, to know that I care about them.

This has become a long ramble. I think I'm going to go and try to find something else to do to distract me, as it's now three o'clock in the morning.

Goodnight, internets.

Secret word of the week

It's Sunday again, and I'm blogging from out of town, but it's word of the week time, so I'm awake trying to come up with an appropriate word.

I think I'll use:

absent

Friday, February 1, 2008

Things to ponder

If a man wants you, nothing will keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing will make him stay. Stop making excuses for him and his behavior. Allow your intuition to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Moving slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then hell no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things haven't gotten better. The only person you can control in a relationship is yourself. Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how he treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let him know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change his behavior. Change comes from within. Don't *ever* make yourself feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or has a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more and nothing less. Never let him define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, *he will cheat on you*. He will only treat you the way you *allow* him to treat you. All men are *not* jerks. You should not be the one doing all the bending. Compromise is a two way street. There is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues. You should never look for someone to *complete* you. A relationship consists of two *whole* individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary. Relationships can be fun, even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes. When he always knows where you are, and you are always readily available to him, he takes it for granted. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.


***

I got this as a forward from a friend who had been single for ten years, and is now happy in a relationship. It gave me food for thought.

Love

So what is love, right? I can put down the dictionary definitions, and have, below. Because that seems to be a source of great conflict lately, what love is. For me, personally, and for others. Even I'm having trouble with it, which is difficult for me to admit. Someone asked me today if I love him, now, the way he is, flaws and problems and everything, or if I'm still clinging to the past and trying to "fix" the injuries from then. And my only response could be "unfortunately, yes, I love him now". Because I do love him. Flaws and all. His and mine both. Even if I wanted it to be some other way, I can't change what I feel, and who I am. I look at him, and I see clearly who that is. I don't want to change any part of it. I can accept it without any qualms, because I don't have a problem with it. I don't need him to be anything more or less than who he is. If he wants to pursue something, I support it. If he wants to be still, I support that too. I want nothing more complicated than for him to be happy, because that makes me happy. I simply don't know how to help with that. And *that* hurts me. Because I don't know how to help with it.

He's conflicted because of me. And that hurts. Because I can so easily see that I can take the bad with the good, and I'm all right with that. I don't need perfection. I don't ask for the impossible dream. I never have, I never will. People aren't perfect. People are people. Mistakes get made. We just get up, dust ourselves off, and keep going. It's what makes us human. We move on, and if you care enough, if you love enough, you hold out your hands, and say that it's all right, and try again. Because it matters, you keep trying. Or at least, I do.

Maybe I'm just built that way. Maybe I'm just not normal. I can put all my focus into giving everything. Maybe I just can't be any other way...

Define "love"...



http://dictionary.reference.com/help/luna.html
love /lʌv/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[luhv] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
—Verb phrase
22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.
—Idioms
23. for love,
a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27. make love,
a. to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b. to engage in sexual activity.

—Synonyms 1. tenderness, fondness, predilection, warmth, passion, adoration. 1, 2. Love, affection, devotion all mean a deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person. Love may apply to various kinds of regard: the charity of the Creator, reverent adoration toward God or toward a person, the relation of parent and child, the regard of friends for each other, romantic feelings for another person, etc. Affection is a fondness for others that is enduring and tender, but calm. Devotion is an intense love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person; it may also imply consecration to a cause. 2. liking, inclination, regard, friendliness. 15. like. 16. adore, adulate, worship.


http://dictionary.reference.com/help/ahd4.html
love (lŭv) Pronunciation Key
n.

1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
3.
1. Sexual passion.
2. Sexual intercourse.
3. A love affair.
4. A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
5. The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.
4. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
5. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
6. An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.
7.
1. A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
2. The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.
8. Love Mythology Eros or Cupid.
9. often Love Christianity Charity.
10. Sports A zero score in tennis.


v. loved, lov·ing, loves

v. tr.

1. To have a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward (a person): We love our parents. I love my friends.
2. To have a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward (a person).
3. To have an intense emotional attachment to: loves his house.
4.
1. To embrace or caress.
2. To have sexual intercourse with.
5. To like or desire enthusiastically: loves swimming.
6. Theology To have charity for.
7. To thrive on; need: The cactus loves hot, dry air.


v. intr.
To experience deep affection or intense desire for another.


[Middle English, from Old English lufu; see leubh- in Indo-European roots.]

Synonyms: These nouns denote feelings of warm personal attachment or strong attraction to another person. Love is the most intense: marrying for love.
Affection is a less ardent and more unvarying feeling of tender regard: parental affection.
Devotion is earnest, affectionate dedication and implies selflessness: teachers admired for their devotion to children.
Fondness is strong liking or affection: a fondness for small animals.
Infatuation is foolish or extravagant attraction, often of short duration: lovers blinded to their differences by their mutual infatuation.

Mindless Babble

I can't sleep. I'm just wandering around, aimlessly. I feel lost, even in my mind. I'm supposed to be making decisions. But I'm still torn. I ran away, because I can't stand the fighting. I don't want to fight. I hate it. I just want peace. I want to be happy, is that so horrible, to want to be happy?

I want everything, and nothing, both together. I don't expect birds to sing and rainbows to shine over my head and to dance into the sunset with a perfect storybook happy ending. I never have.

But I don't want to feel alone, even when someone is with me. I don't want to reach out, and be pushed away. I don't want to always feel like you're angry with me.

I want to come home, to know that you *want* me to come home. Want to be with me once I get there. I've grown so used to you that I almost can't sleep without you with me. It hurts to not have you here. I woke up with a nightmare and reached for you..and cried when I realized there was no one. And I realized that I have gotten dependent on you for comfort. That I feel safe in my sleep with you there. That most of the nightmares are held at bay. But that might not be the case much longer. I can't control how you feel. I can't make you want to stay.

I ran away because I was afraid of a fight that we were in the middle of. I was too afraid to face anything, so I bolted. And now that I'm gone, I just don't have a clue what to do. I don't know if I should go home. I don't know if I should stay gone. I don't really know anything.

So I'm just wandering aimlessly, and thinking in circles that are essentially driving me slowly insane. And at the end of the day, I'm right back where I started. I don't know what to do.

I was hoping that perhaps I'd get some input from other sources, but I don't seem to be actually getting any help from anybody but myself. Which isn't very helpful, being that I can't seem to think in any kind of useful pattern.

This entire blog has been more or less a fruitless circle of pointless babble. Yay.

(goes whistling off into sunset) (or cloudcover)