I would like to point out? That the words I was told, and supposed to have been reassured by? Didn't match. Again. And that it's a damned good thing that I went into the entire situation braced with the knowledge that things were going to go the way they did, and that everything would go to hell in a handbasket, and I'd be left standing alone, as I generally am.
Fortunately, I don't *need* to have someone standing by my side, holding my hand. I'm self-sufficient, and can stand on my own. I don't require a man to hold me up, and take care of me. I'm not looking to be somebody's precious little princess, and be coddled and babied and worshiped or whatever.
I've actually pondered that quite a lot lately. There's always some kind of reason, right? Those little precious princesses have it down pat, in a way I both don't, and have no interest in. They do whatever they like, with no repercussions, it must be rather nice. But I don't think I want to live that way. I take responsibility for my actions, and I'm okay with that.
But on the other hand, and at the same time, what puzzles me, is how the idiot men, all of them, seem to think that those same women who are such manipulators and know how to put on the precious princess routines? They need to be "protected", and not have to face the realities of life. How they're just not strong enough to deal with most things. Or so all these men seem to believe.
The little princesses are in danger of imminent collapse at the first sign of stress, or conflict. And yet, most of the time, they'll initiate the conflict, and instigate the stress. And then run for cover, "oh, protect me!"
And the funny part? I guess it works. I'd take lessons, but I don't look playing the bullshit female games, because I find them petty and stupid. I just don't understand how men can be so fucking blind all the time.
How can *anyone* love someone who is willing to lie and cheat and manipulate, and do such underhanded bullshit things? Over and over? And why the hell would anyone want that kind of person? And no, for a change this one isn't a direct attack. I can think of several such people. And they're all women. And the men I know continue to want those types of women, and want to protect them, because they're so fragile, and need to be taken care of, and coddled, blah blah blah. It's just such bullshit. Why can't men see what's right in front of their faces?
Yes, I occasionally want to be held, and cared for, and taken care of. But not with money, not with "things", not babied to the point of not having to face reality. I don't want to be protected from what's going on in the real world. And every man in my life wouldn't hesitate for a moment before telling me the absolute truth about what's going on in his life, because I'm strong enough to handle it, and they know it. Yes, sometimes I'd like to not have to deal with quite so much, but not for a second would I trade it in for being wrapped in cotton wool, and not knowing anything, because god forbid I be treated like a real person, and be able to handle anything.
But for fuck's sake! These women aren't porcelain! They're able to manipulate you men into doing anything they want, and they do it with skill and ease that's frightening. And you never even notice it. They'll go behind your back, and cuckold you completely, and feed you a bullshit story that isn't even vaguely believable, and you buy it, because they're so delicate and fragile that they'd never *do* something that deceitful? Who the fuck are you kidding?
What makes men that blind? By the time any of those men finally believe that their precious princesses would have screwed them over, they're completely and totally fucked, and I'm usually the one left helping pick up the pieces, shaking my head and saying "I think I tried to warn you, oh (insert time frame here)", and nobody appreciate the I told you so.
But come on. It's happened over and over, it's a pattern, and no one can see it? Because, what? Those women are going to change? Just for you? Because you "love" them? And your "love" is stronger than the last man's "love"? Get real. They aren't going to change. It's not going to be a miracle, and everything isn't going to work out swimmingly, and be a happily-ever-after for you, just because she says it is. You're just the next in a line of chumps.
Wake up, and smell the nice, hot coffee, gentlemen.
And I hope that it's worth it. I'm tired of picking up pieces for men who are intentionally blind, and who expect me to help hold them together later. And I'm not some kind of consolation prize, either, to help them lick their wounds.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
What doesn't kill me?
Must make me stronger. At this rate, I'll be the strongest person on the fucking planet.
For reference? Yes, I'm doing fine. Yes, I'll continue doing fine, in spite of all anyone's best efforts to the goddamned contrary. So all your twisted little manipulations to try and undermine my current state of happiness and how I'm doing? Failed. Complete fail. I've had to cut Danny from my life because I refuse to keep having to deal with the sanctimonious twisted self-serving bullshit routine, but in the end? It's how I'm doing, and my being able to keep things together that matter, and not anything else.
So you can take your bullshit stories, and your twisted lies, and do whatever you like with them. I don't need it, them, or anything else to do with you involved in my life. And it's costing me a lot, and that's just something I'll deal with. But if it means you're gone? Better that, than the constant influx of you being able to in any way effect any part of my life, or my happiness, mood, or anything else.
Kiss my ass you betraying, backstabbing, manipulating asshole.
I'll never understand the appeal there. I've done some shitty things in my day, but I've never kicked someone when they were down, for what appears to be the sheer joy of making their lives harder, or getting a lift by knowing they hurt. I've never intentionally talked trash on someone who wasn't doing any harm to me. And I sure as shit didn't go out of my way to take joy in someone else's pain.
I don't blame all my problems on someone else.
And I have *always* stepped up and apologized when I was wrong, and made an attempt to make amends.
Karma's a bitch, and someday you'll get yours.
For reference? Yes, I'm doing fine. Yes, I'll continue doing fine, in spite of all anyone's best efforts to the goddamned contrary. So all your twisted little manipulations to try and undermine my current state of happiness and how I'm doing? Failed. Complete fail. I've had to cut Danny from my life because I refuse to keep having to deal with the sanctimonious twisted self-serving bullshit routine, but in the end? It's how I'm doing, and my being able to keep things together that matter, and not anything else.
So you can take your bullshit stories, and your twisted lies, and do whatever you like with them. I don't need it, them, or anything else to do with you involved in my life. And it's costing me a lot, and that's just something I'll deal with. But if it means you're gone? Better that, than the constant influx of you being able to in any way effect any part of my life, or my happiness, mood, or anything else.
Kiss my ass you betraying, backstabbing, manipulating asshole.
I'll never understand the appeal there. I've done some shitty things in my day, but I've never kicked someone when they were down, for what appears to be the sheer joy of making their lives harder, or getting a lift by knowing they hurt. I've never intentionally talked trash on someone who wasn't doing any harm to me. And I sure as shit didn't go out of my way to take joy in someone else's pain.
I don't blame all my problems on someone else.
And I have *always* stepped up and apologized when I was wrong, and made an attempt to make amends.
Karma's a bitch, and someday you'll get yours.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Mmm, bedtime
Yep. It's bedtime, and I'm enjoying the new bedding, it's prettyful :) And yes, I know very damned well that prettyful isn't a word, thank you very much the spell-checker of blogspot. Tough shit.
It's my blog, and I'll spell how I want to. Anyhow, it's bedtime, and tomorrow I'll be finishing up some cleaning, possibly making chicken casserole, and then having dinner elsewhere. The irony in that does not escape me, but I'm also aware that if I don't make a big batch of *something* once a week or so, I end up eating a lot of hard boiled eggs, yogurt, cottage cheese, and other 'on the fly' things that are healthy, but not actual meals. So I make a once-a-week meal that I can reheat. It's been working out reasonably well. That, and snagging leftovers from people who cook actual meals, and donate them to me, as their pet starving refugee, now that I can't be bothered to cook for myself. I'm rather enjoying the fringe benefits of that. Maybe one of these days I'll look into the cooking for one cookbooks or something. Who knows.
I'm feeling pretty good, emotionally.
I unpacked my things. The spare room is no longer "spare". It's turning nicely into a library, and looking pretty good. Sissa's dad offered to come and hang up my curtain rods for me, if I can't manage it on my own, which I appreciate. I haven't decided if I'm going to take him up on it yet or not. But I appreciate the offer. It was very kind of him. All in all, things are going well.
I feel like I crossed a very long, very perilous bridge, and have finally reached the other side, and am standing on nice, solid ground for the first time in nearly a year. And it feels good.
I talked to Courtney today as well, and that too, felt good. It was good to hear her voice, to laugh and to talk to her.
Today was a good day. And I didn't even need to use my AK.
LOL.
It's my blog, and I'll spell how I want to. Anyhow, it's bedtime, and tomorrow I'll be finishing up some cleaning, possibly making chicken casserole, and then having dinner elsewhere. The irony in that does not escape me, but I'm also aware that if I don't make a big batch of *something* once a week or so, I end up eating a lot of hard boiled eggs, yogurt, cottage cheese, and other 'on the fly' things that are healthy, but not actual meals. So I make a once-a-week meal that I can reheat. It's been working out reasonably well. That, and snagging leftovers from people who cook actual meals, and donate them to me, as their pet starving refugee, now that I can't be bothered to cook for myself. I'm rather enjoying the fringe benefits of that. Maybe one of these days I'll look into the cooking for one cookbooks or something. Who knows.
I'm feeling pretty good, emotionally.
I unpacked my things. The spare room is no longer "spare". It's turning nicely into a library, and looking pretty good. Sissa's dad offered to come and hang up my curtain rods for me, if I can't manage it on my own, which I appreciate. I haven't decided if I'm going to take him up on it yet or not. But I appreciate the offer. It was very kind of him. All in all, things are going well.
I feel like I crossed a very long, very perilous bridge, and have finally reached the other side, and am standing on nice, solid ground for the first time in nearly a year. And it feels good.
I talked to Courtney today as well, and that too, felt good. It was good to hear her voice, to laugh and to talk to her.
Today was a good day. And I didn't even need to use my AK.
LOL.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
ah, iTunes, your irony strikes me
I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother
Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her
Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
Ah, good old Alanis Morissette. Only one word off in the whole song. Amuses me now. I guess I must be healing, since I can listen to cheesy love songs now, and I'm not bursting into tears. And even the lyrics of songs that used to set me off, they aren't now. They amuse me, and I just kind of smile and smirk in the general direct of, but that's about it.
Only one song left still sets me into tears now, but it does that for a whole array of reasons.
I guess I must be healing. Finally.
And back to moving furniture and putting books onto shelves. And hanging up clothes, and making beds.
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother
Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her
Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
Ah, good old Alanis Morissette. Only one word off in the whole song. Amuses me now. I guess I must be healing, since I can listen to cheesy love songs now, and I'm not bursting into tears. And even the lyrics of songs that used to set me off, they aren't now. They amuse me, and I just kind of smile and smirk in the general direct of, but that's about it.
Only one song left still sets me into tears now, but it does that for a whole array of reasons.
I guess I must be healing. Finally.
And back to moving furniture and putting books onto shelves. And hanging up clothes, and making beds.
Secret word of the week
This week's word of the week is:
"sedulous"
And that's what I've been for the last couple of months, and what has finally culminated in success, for which I am now pleased, and somewhat relieved.
And am now moving on about my business and setting up my house, and my life, and my future. Myself.
"sedulous"
And that's what I've been for the last couple of months, and what has finally culminated in success, for which I am now pleased, and somewhat relieved.
And am now moving on about my business and setting up my house, and my life, and my future. Myself.
Friday, July 25, 2008
the forest for the trees
He can't see the forest for the trees
From where I stand
It seems clear to me
How do you help a friend
Who's making a mistake?
How do you tell him?
What words can you say?
He doesn't even know it
If he's not careful
He may blow it
How do you help a friend?
So I've got this stupid song running through my head. Well that one (btw, I have no idea who sings it, it's from a show I watched as a child, called Kids Inc, and they never said who the song was by, or what it was actually called, and I've searched for it before), and I have another one also doing a repetitive dance in my head. It's the Willy Wonka song:
I want a ball
I want a party
Pink macaroons and a million balloons
And performing baboons and ...
Give it to me
Now!
I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It's my bar of chocolate
Give it to me
Now!
I want today
I want tomorrow
I want to wear 'em like braids in my hair
And I don't want to share 'em
I want a party with room fulls of laughter
Ten thousand tons of ice cream
And if I don't get the things I am after
I'm going to scream!
I want the works
I want the whole works
Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises
Of all shapes and sizes
And now
Don't care how
I want it now
Don't care how
I want it now
So how's that for an interesting mix of songs to be playing on repeat in my head? One is a sad morose mopey song, and the other is the I want it now song from Willy Wonka? My emotional basket-case-ness rides again!
So I got what I needed from financial aid at FCC, and it looks like I'm going to be just fine. Finally? I almost don't know what to do now. Now I just...wait? For school to start. I got an email back from one of my professors, telling me to be patient, as the class information isn't yet up on the blackboard site yet, and so he hasn't yet got the information to send me. But he was happy to hear from an eager student. And I guess now I'm just waiting, so I can order books, and find out what to do. Can't wait to start putting things in order, and go-go-going!
Will be spending the day Sunday organizing things around here, which should be nice. My new bedding and whatnot arrived yesterday, and I'm rather pleased. I need to get some curtain rods, though. Was very pleased, overall, though.
I need to take the Tbird in for a tune-up soon, and I need to call my doctor, and set up an appointment, since I missed my last one. I suck, but I wasn't up to it. I haven't been up to a lot of things lately. But I need to get it done. No good excuse now. And I have *got* to get some sleep now, especially since I now have new bedding, and should be able to start sleeping in my own bed again now. That will be nice. I kind of missed it.
Ezzie's being kind of kitty-douchebag. I think he has furball PMS. No idea what his problem is lately, but he needs to knock it off. He ate yet another cell phone charger, finally went and bought another one. Gave him the one he ate, and that seems to be making him happy. The guys at the store took pity on me and gave me a discount, since this is the third charger in six months. It's a good thing I love this cat so much, or he'd be a dead kitty. At least he's cute, right? And keeps me company.
From where I stand
It seems clear to me
How do you help a friend
Who's making a mistake?
How do you tell him?
What words can you say?
He doesn't even know it
If he's not careful
He may blow it
How do you help a friend?
So I've got this stupid song running through my head. Well that one (btw, I have no idea who sings it, it's from a show I watched as a child, called Kids Inc, and they never said who the song was by, or what it was actually called, and I've searched for it before), and I have another one also doing a repetitive dance in my head. It's the Willy Wonka song:
I want a ball
I want a party
Pink macaroons and a million balloons
And performing baboons and ...
Give it to me
Now!
I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It's my bar of chocolate
Give it to me
Now!
I want today
I want tomorrow
I want to wear 'em like braids in my hair
And I don't want to share 'em
I want a party with room fulls of laughter
Ten thousand tons of ice cream
And if I don't get the things I am after
I'm going to scream!
I want the works
I want the whole works
Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises
Of all shapes and sizes
And now
Don't care how
I want it now
Don't care how
I want it now
So how's that for an interesting mix of songs to be playing on repeat in my head? One is a sad morose mopey song, and the other is the I want it now song from Willy Wonka? My emotional basket-case-ness rides again!
So I got what I needed from financial aid at FCC, and it looks like I'm going to be just fine. Finally? I almost don't know what to do now. Now I just...wait? For school to start. I got an email back from one of my professors, telling me to be patient, as the class information isn't yet up on the blackboard site yet, and so he hasn't yet got the information to send me. But he was happy to hear from an eager student. And I guess now I'm just waiting, so I can order books, and find out what to do. Can't wait to start putting things in order, and go-go-going!
Will be spending the day Sunday organizing things around here, which should be nice. My new bedding and whatnot arrived yesterday, and I'm rather pleased. I need to get some curtain rods, though. Was very pleased, overall, though.
I need to take the Tbird in for a tune-up soon, and I need to call my doctor, and set up an appointment, since I missed my last one. I suck, but I wasn't up to it. I haven't been up to a lot of things lately. But I need to get it done. No good excuse now. And I have *got* to get some sleep now, especially since I now have new bedding, and should be able to start sleeping in my own bed again now. That will be nice. I kind of missed it.
Ezzie's being kind of kitty-douchebag. I think he has furball PMS. No idea what his problem is lately, but he needs to knock it off. He ate yet another cell phone charger, finally went and bought another one. Gave him the one he ate, and that seems to be making him happy. The guys at the store took pity on me and gave me a discount, since this is the third charger in six months. It's a good thing I love this cat so much, or he'd be a dead kitty. At least he's cute, right? And keeps me company.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
A day in the life of:
There's nothing really interesting going on. I spend my days doing the same things, over and over again. And it's beginning to wear on me. Not necessarily in a bad way? But it's the same thing. I go to FCC tomorrow, to talk to financial aid again, because I get to jump through a couple more hoops. I'm so god-awful tired of jumping through paperwork hoops. And I talked to S.S., who tells me that financial aid should work out just fine. I'm just frustrated. I want everything to get going, and roll smoothly, so that things can just even out already!
I want to write a long, venting blog, about all the things that are circling around in my head, and I won't. And the reasons I won't? Because I know that there are fairly high chances that assorted people still read my blog, and I don't want to make unnecessary waves for anyone. I guess I'm actually editing to a certain extent. I don't want to make life difficult for anyone else but me.
I know that Phillip is having difficulties in his life right now. And I feel very badly about that, because I can't imagine trying to hold everything together for everyone else. It's hard to be the strong one, all the time. To know that you have to be the example, whether you want to be or not, and that you have to keep it together. And I hope that he's going to be alright, and that everything will work out the way he wants it to, and that he'll be happy, and everything for him will calm down.
I know that things aren't always smooth for Danny now either, and I hope that he'll be alright as well, because I can't be the person who keeps things together for him now either. I used to be that, the person who kept things balanced in his life. And I either can't, or won't. I'm not altogether sure which anymore. But I'm not that person anymore. And I hope for the best for him, too. That things are going to work out the way he wants them too, and that he'll be happy in the long run. That things will calm down, and straighten out.
And for me? I'm keeping the things that are going on with me, mostly to myself. Because I don't want to be an added burden to anyone anymore. The people who I love, I don't want them worrying about me, or focusing their attention on me in a way that should be focused elsewhere now.
So for me, a day in the life of me tends to be very quiet these days. I don't answer the phone very often, because I don't have a lot to say anymore. I keep to myself, and I keep focused on the few things I have any interest in anymore. I tend to my life. I work, I play with the cat, I play with my computer, and I keep myself going.
For the people who are interested, my health is still holding, and I'm still doing alright. I haven't dropped off into a catatonic state, and I haven't done anything silly like died unexpectedly, nor do I plan to. So there are no worries there.
I'm doing fine, and I plan to stay that way. I still miss Phillip. I still miss Danny. I still miss a few things about my old life, and I know that there's not much I can do about that. But I've filled my days with things that keep me from sitting around dwelling on that, which helps. I'm decorating the apartment, finally. I'm slowly but surely putting the spare room together, to make it usable for myself, probably as a library of sorts. I bought the brightest, happiest quilt I could find, to go on the bed in that room. I'm moving on, if not as fast as some would like, and if not in the way everyone would like me to.
But I'm getting there. I'm still me. I still hurt. I still wish for things I can't change. I still love you.
Goodnight internets.
I want to write a long, venting blog, about all the things that are circling around in my head, and I won't. And the reasons I won't? Because I know that there are fairly high chances that assorted people still read my blog, and I don't want to make unnecessary waves for anyone. I guess I'm actually editing to a certain extent. I don't want to make life difficult for anyone else but me.
I know that Phillip is having difficulties in his life right now. And I feel very badly about that, because I can't imagine trying to hold everything together for everyone else. It's hard to be the strong one, all the time. To know that you have to be the example, whether you want to be or not, and that you have to keep it together. And I hope that he's going to be alright, and that everything will work out the way he wants it to, and that he'll be happy, and everything for him will calm down.
I know that things aren't always smooth for Danny now either, and I hope that he'll be alright as well, because I can't be the person who keeps things together for him now either. I used to be that, the person who kept things balanced in his life. And I either can't, or won't. I'm not altogether sure which anymore. But I'm not that person anymore. And I hope for the best for him, too. That things are going to work out the way he wants them too, and that he'll be happy in the long run. That things will calm down, and straighten out.
And for me? I'm keeping the things that are going on with me, mostly to myself. Because I don't want to be an added burden to anyone anymore. The people who I love, I don't want them worrying about me, or focusing their attention on me in a way that should be focused elsewhere now.
So for me, a day in the life of me tends to be very quiet these days. I don't answer the phone very often, because I don't have a lot to say anymore. I keep to myself, and I keep focused on the few things I have any interest in anymore. I tend to my life. I work, I play with the cat, I play with my computer, and I keep myself going.
For the people who are interested, my health is still holding, and I'm still doing alright. I haven't dropped off into a catatonic state, and I haven't done anything silly like died unexpectedly, nor do I plan to. So there are no worries there.
I'm doing fine, and I plan to stay that way. I still miss Phillip. I still miss Danny. I still miss a few things about my old life, and I know that there's not much I can do about that. But I've filled my days with things that keep me from sitting around dwelling on that, which helps. I'm decorating the apartment, finally. I'm slowly but surely putting the spare room together, to make it usable for myself, probably as a library of sorts. I bought the brightest, happiest quilt I could find, to go on the bed in that room. I'm moving on, if not as fast as some would like, and if not in the way everyone would like me to.
But I'm getting there. I'm still me. I still hurt. I still wish for things I can't change. I still love you.
Goodnight internets.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
My birthday
So my birthday was yesterday. I'm old now :P Yeah, well not really. I don't even feel particularly old. And thanks to everyone who called, I did check the phone and receive all the well wishes, etc. I know that I've been being somewhat of a hermit crab (get it, Cancer? Crab? Hahaha?) Sorry. Funnies.
Okay. So, I appreciated the thoughts, but I've never been particularly fond of doing the celebration dance about my birthday, and yesterday was no exception. I had a seizure the night before, and this time I was awake and not asleep. I lost an hour, and it really rattled me badly. And because there wasn't anyone else here, it messed me up psychologically pretty thoroughly. Danny came by to check on me, even when I told him not to. Once they're over, there really isn't much that can be done, and while I again appreciate the sentiment, he had to leave, and I was left sitting here alone after he left.
And what I really wanted was to not be alone. It would have been better to have not had anyone be here at all. I'm used to that now. It was why I told him not to come. All anyone can really do is sit and stare at me afterward, and...what? Wonder if I'm actually okay? Yes, I am. My muscles hurt. My head aches. All the same things that always happen afterward. My words are a little shaky, and I'm a little disoriented. I'll deal. but coming and checking on me just reminds me that I'm alone, and it doesn't really help anymore.
Anyhow, back to my birthday. I'm a year older. The day passed, and I kept halfway hoping the phone would ring, and I guess somewhere inside of me I'd hoped that maybe things would, for a minute, go back to being "normal" even if it was just so I could hear happy birthday and pretend that people gave a shit that I know don't really. Just because I care, doesn't mean anyone else does. And damned if it doesn't hurt to know that I meant so little. Coming on the heels of that seizure, I kept crying all over the place. Kind of sucked. And I couldn't keep it all under control, and I was trying.
So, happy birthday to me. Thanks to everyone who tried, and called and poked at me to cheer me up. I love you guys.
Okay. So, I appreciated the thoughts, but I've never been particularly fond of doing the celebration dance about my birthday, and yesterday was no exception. I had a seizure the night before, and this time I was awake and not asleep. I lost an hour, and it really rattled me badly. And because there wasn't anyone else here, it messed me up psychologically pretty thoroughly. Danny came by to check on me, even when I told him not to. Once they're over, there really isn't much that can be done, and while I again appreciate the sentiment, he had to leave, and I was left sitting here alone after he left.
And what I really wanted was to not be alone. It would have been better to have not had anyone be here at all. I'm used to that now. It was why I told him not to come. All anyone can really do is sit and stare at me afterward, and...what? Wonder if I'm actually okay? Yes, I am. My muscles hurt. My head aches. All the same things that always happen afterward. My words are a little shaky, and I'm a little disoriented. I'll deal. but coming and checking on me just reminds me that I'm alone, and it doesn't really help anymore.
Anyhow, back to my birthday. I'm a year older. The day passed, and I kept halfway hoping the phone would ring, and I guess somewhere inside of me I'd hoped that maybe things would, for a minute, go back to being "normal" even if it was just so I could hear happy birthday and pretend that people gave a shit that I know don't really. Just because I care, doesn't mean anyone else does. And damned if it doesn't hurt to know that I meant so little. Coming on the heels of that seizure, I kept crying all over the place. Kind of sucked. And I couldn't keep it all under control, and I was trying.
So, happy birthday to me. Thanks to everyone who tried, and called and poked at me to cheer me up. I love you guys.
Secret word of the week
This week my secret word of the week is:
"post traumatic stress disorder"
Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to one or more terrifying events in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. It is a severe and ongoing emotional reaction to an extreme psychological trauma. This stressor may involve someone's actual death or a threat to the patient's or someone else's life, serious physical injury, or threat to physical and/or psychological integrity, to a degree that usual psychological defenses are incapable of coping. In some cases it can also be from profound psychological and emotional trauma, apart from any actual physical harm. Often, however, the two are combined.
PTSD is a condition distinct from traumatic stress, which is of less intensity and duration, and combat stress reaction, which is transitory. PTSD has also been recognized in the past as shell shock, traumatic war neurosis, or post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSS).
"post traumatic stress disorder"
Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to one or more terrifying events in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. It is a severe and ongoing emotional reaction to an extreme psychological trauma. This stressor may involve someone's actual death or a threat to the patient's or someone else's life, serious physical injury, or threat to physical and/or psychological integrity, to a degree that usual psychological defenses are incapable of coping. In some cases it can also be from profound psychological and emotional trauma, apart from any actual physical harm. Often, however, the two are combined.
PTSD is a condition distinct from traumatic stress, which is of less intensity and duration, and combat stress reaction, which is transitory. PTSD has also been recognized in the past as shell shock, traumatic war neurosis, or post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSS).
Thursday, July 17, 2008
The internets are misbehaving.
And I do not know why. More than half the links on my sidebar are not functioning currently. So either a: half of the internet (as far as I am concerned) is broken, which strikes me as very peculiar indeed, or my computer is broken. And I thought that it might be that Firefox has just updated, so I tried I.E., but it's doing the same damned thing, about half the fucking internets are broken. WTF, Joe? Give me back my internets!
Questionable Content, return to me! Hip Domestics, I need you! Livejournal! And seriously, a lot of the stuff I read is LJ based, their communities forums. And that seems to the crux right there, it's servers that are down, or so it would appear.
So I'm wondering if it will miraculously fix itself by tomorrow morning. I noticed the other day that ChaCha was down for hours, and so were about half a dozen other servers simultaneously. And I know that Sissa's 'net is down right now, as is half of Bakersfield, something about the *lines* seems to be going haywire.
Wonder if it's all inter-connected?
Points to ponder.
Yay for Google-based things?
Questionable Content, return to me! Hip Domestics, I need you! Livejournal! And seriously, a lot of the stuff I read is LJ based, their communities forums. And that seems to the crux right there, it's servers that are down, or so it would appear.
So I'm wondering if it will miraculously fix itself by tomorrow morning. I noticed the other day that ChaCha was down for hours, and so were about half a dozen other servers simultaneously. And I know that Sissa's 'net is down right now, as is half of Bakersfield, something about the *lines* seems to be going haywire.
Wonder if it's all inter-connected?
Points to ponder.
Yay for Google-based things?
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Things will never be the same...
I have new bedding being shipped to me, and I'll be unpacking the boxes that have sat with all my stuff in them for months now. My apartment has sat untouched for a while now. Oh, it's clean, and orderly. But untouched just the same. With everything that shows that I live here in boxes, untouched.
I put away everything to make space for others, and I never took it back out, for two reasons. The last time that I decorated the extra room wherever I lived, I immediately had to dismantle it, because someone I cared about, every time, needed a place to stay/live, and so I had to take it all down, even when I was very excited to have my own space, and start the process of putting myself together. Each time I finally started to assemble something, somebody I cared very much for had some type of emergency, and I needed to clear out a place for them, and so all my plans were put on hold.
It's become sort of a curse to me, to try and put that room together, for fear that somebody I care about will have something go wrong, and they'll need to be able to come here. There are only three people who I would allow to live in my apartment now.
I will never again live with a woman, or with anyone who has children. But there are three men that I could and would live with, if the need arose in their lives. No questions asked, with no qualms. And because of the attachment I have to them, I don't want their lives to go asplodey, and so I've been avoiding unpacking my things, and setting up the room, and setting up my life in the apartment that's now mine alone. It's superstitious, and I know it. But I don't want them to be unhappy, and need to have to have a place to go.
I call it "wishcraft", my bad habit of getting what I want. And I don't want anyone to be unhappy or have their lives disrupted, or anything else that might be karmically screwballed by either wanting to help me, or thinking I need to be helped, or my wanting them around. Whether I sit and say I want them around, or want them to feel needed by me? All of it's irrelevant.
The truth is, I don't need anyone anymore, and I need to let it all go, and set my apartment up for me. So in spite of my superstition, I'm going to set it up. I'm getting rid of the bedding that I shared with someone else. I'm changing out the bedroom to be just mine. I'm unpacking my books, and my small collection of what's left of Tweety bird, and my dolphins, and my dragons. I'll put up my few knickknacks.
And I'll still be here, if I'm needed. But I won't be here to the extent that I have been. For the three people I'd allow to live with me? Those three will still get what they've always had in the way of my attention if they need me. But for everyone else? I'm going to be scaling way back, because I just can't do this anymore.
What's the line to that song, Danny? "Cause I'm one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to break"? I think it's Linkin Park. That's how I feel about damned near everything. That I'm about to break, and that I just can't keep handling anything else but my own life. I've had it tossed at me that I need to stop dealing with other people's problems. And I so badly just want to laugh at everyone, and point out that everyone seems to want me to drop others' problems, but not *theirs*. Just theirs are important.
Well, not anymore. At this point? My own problems are important to me. A couple of others are. But right now, I'm not going to be discussing those with anyone anymore. I've grown tired of the sound of my own voice, and don't have much to say to anyone now.
I was asked a few times today, what's wrong, why are you quiet? You sound odd. Things like that. Yes, I sound odd. Sure, there are things wrong. But I don't want to discuss them, it's a cycle of things that I just don't want to get into. I'm doing the best I can.
So I didn't work today, for the first time I can remember. I'm missing a doctor's appointment, because I don't feel good enough to even go to that. And today, I purchased some things for my apartment, to make it mine. To erase the memories, so when I look around, they aren't all I see surrounding me. So I can maybe try to go to sleep on a bed that isn't surrounded with whispers of things that hurt me. With memories that cause me to wake up in tears. I'm trying, and I'm doing the best I can, and I'm still failing.
And tomorrow? Tomorrow I'll work again. I'll email my teachers, to get my syllabus and the book information so I'm ready for school on the 18th of August. I'll call the people I need to call, and then I'll be shutting down the ringers on my phones, because for a little while, I need to be quiet, and left alone.
I'm going to be decorating and putting things away, and working. If you don't hear from me, that's all it is. If you need me? Email me, I'll still be checking that on a regular basis, because I check that for work.
It's nothing personal to anyone. If you're reading this blog, and you know you're one of the three who knows how to reach me, you can reach me if you need me, always. If you're reading this blog and you're unclear on that? You should be. I don't change.
I put away everything to make space for others, and I never took it back out, for two reasons. The last time that I decorated the extra room wherever I lived, I immediately had to dismantle it, because someone I cared about, every time, needed a place to stay/live, and so I had to take it all down, even when I was very excited to have my own space, and start the process of putting myself together. Each time I finally started to assemble something, somebody I cared very much for had some type of emergency, and I needed to clear out a place for them, and so all my plans were put on hold.
It's become sort of a curse to me, to try and put that room together, for fear that somebody I care about will have something go wrong, and they'll need to be able to come here. There are only three people who I would allow to live in my apartment now.
I will never again live with a woman, or with anyone who has children. But there are three men that I could and would live with, if the need arose in their lives. No questions asked, with no qualms. And because of the attachment I have to them, I don't want their lives to go asplodey, and so I've been avoiding unpacking my things, and setting up the room, and setting up my life in the apartment that's now mine alone. It's superstitious, and I know it. But I don't want them to be unhappy, and need to have to have a place to go.
I call it "wishcraft", my bad habit of getting what I want. And I don't want anyone to be unhappy or have their lives disrupted, or anything else that might be karmically screwballed by either wanting to help me, or thinking I need to be helped, or my wanting them around. Whether I sit and say I want them around, or want them to feel needed by me? All of it's irrelevant.
The truth is, I don't need anyone anymore, and I need to let it all go, and set my apartment up for me. So in spite of my superstition, I'm going to set it up. I'm getting rid of the bedding that I shared with someone else. I'm changing out the bedroom to be just mine. I'm unpacking my books, and my small collection of what's left of Tweety bird, and my dolphins, and my dragons. I'll put up my few knickknacks.
And I'll still be here, if I'm needed. But I won't be here to the extent that I have been. For the three people I'd allow to live with me? Those three will still get what they've always had in the way of my attention if they need me. But for everyone else? I'm going to be scaling way back, because I just can't do this anymore.
What's the line to that song, Danny? "Cause I'm one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to break"? I think it's Linkin Park. That's how I feel about damned near everything. That I'm about to break, and that I just can't keep handling anything else but my own life. I've had it tossed at me that I need to stop dealing with other people's problems. And I so badly just want to laugh at everyone, and point out that everyone seems to want me to drop others' problems, but not *theirs*. Just theirs are important.
Well, not anymore. At this point? My own problems are important to me. A couple of others are. But right now, I'm not going to be discussing those with anyone anymore. I've grown tired of the sound of my own voice, and don't have much to say to anyone now.
I was asked a few times today, what's wrong, why are you quiet? You sound odd. Things like that. Yes, I sound odd. Sure, there are things wrong. But I don't want to discuss them, it's a cycle of things that I just don't want to get into. I'm doing the best I can.
So I didn't work today, for the first time I can remember. I'm missing a doctor's appointment, because I don't feel good enough to even go to that. And today, I purchased some things for my apartment, to make it mine. To erase the memories, so when I look around, they aren't all I see surrounding me. So I can maybe try to go to sleep on a bed that isn't surrounded with whispers of things that hurt me. With memories that cause me to wake up in tears. I'm trying, and I'm doing the best I can, and I'm still failing.
And tomorrow? Tomorrow I'll work again. I'll email my teachers, to get my syllabus and the book information so I'm ready for school on the 18th of August. I'll call the people I need to call, and then I'll be shutting down the ringers on my phones, because for a little while, I need to be quiet, and left alone.
I'm going to be decorating and putting things away, and working. If you don't hear from me, that's all it is. If you need me? Email me, I'll still be checking that on a regular basis, because I check that for work.
It's nothing personal to anyone. If you're reading this blog, and you know you're one of the three who knows how to reach me, you can reach me if you need me, always. If you're reading this blog and you're unclear on that? You should be. I don't change.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
When nothing makes sense
And I can't breathe? Maybe it's time to talk to my doctor about going back onto an antidepressant. I don't particularly want to, and I don't think I've backslid into a full blown attack, but I think they call it circumstantial depression, and rather than my brain chemicals being messed up? I think that this is actually treatable with simply having been overwhelmed for too long now, and I just can't get my feet back under me.
And maybe it's just time. I want to be able to say that I'm doing fine, and put my smile firmly in place, and have it actually, in reality, be the truth. But the truth is that I'm not okay. I want to be. I'm faking it very well. Which is awesome.
But the walls are actually closing in around me, and I just can't breathe anymore. And as everything gets closer and closer? Watching one catastrophe after another come crashing down, I'm not sure how many more times I can hold things together before I break. And the truth is that I simply don't have the time or the resources to snap.
If I end up with the balls I have in the air falling down, even one of them, I'm going to lose my apartment, going to end up homeless, and with nothing left. And I can't afford to let that happen. And that's what *will* happen if I drop anything. Things are too close to the wire for me to break. And I have no fall-back, and no one to catch me.
I snark at other people, because it must be nice for them to have people to take care of them, and to lean on, and things like that? Maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's just plain meanness at this point. And at this point? I no longer care. What gets said, how they think.
I don't have the time or the energy to care.
The last few days have made it perfectly clear to me that things have gotten bad for me. I care too much, and the emotions I want to stop decimating me, they are in fact drowning me. And no one could function this way, including me.
My favourite aunt lives up north, and the fires have been raging up there, not a mile from her home. It just barely got somewhat under control. She'd been evacuated days ago. I still haven't heard from her, but all I can do is assume that she's safe, and will be able to go home now. I hope. And hoping is all I can do.
My best friend and I are barely holding a sketchy friendship together, that may or may not hold, and at this point, I'm not even sure whether or not it's worth the constant flow of tears every time I get disappointed, because I'm so badly broken that I don't have the fortitude to keep it together enough for the fight.
The handful of people that I genuinely care about are watching me fall apart daily, knowing there isn't anything that can be done for me, because honestly, I don't want sympathy or pity, because that's just how and who I am.
I've become self-sufficient and independent over the last nine months, which is good on one hand, but to a certain extent, it means I no longer trust anyone, and I want nothing from anyone, because I've been let down and screwed over so much that I can't afford to let anyone in anymore.
The one person who I want the most, and want to fix things with the most, is a lost cause to me, and I know it. And I finally gave up on all of it. And while that's probably the best thing I can do now? It doesn't make the pain stop, and it doesn't make anything, any aspect of my life, easier.
My entire heart has shattered into so many pieces I've lost count in the last year. There's no amount of glue that can repair those breaks, and I've finally given up trying. Now? Now, I'm just trying to build a new life for myself, without any of the old attachments that I was so accustomed to. And it's hard. It's so hard to get up every morning, and get through every day, without anything or anyone that made me smile, and made me laugh.
I won't ever be who I was again.
And the depression is eating me alive. It isn't the depression that I used to have, where it crushed me, because I couldn't see straight. It's a circumstantial thing, caused by the last year, and all of the stress that's simply swamped me, and I can't seem to climb back out. And so maybe it's time. Time to ask the doctor for some help, something to make it easier to face the day, to want to go on, instead of wanting to give up. Perhaps it's time to admit that I'm not strong enough anymore.
I simply don't know anymore. I don't want to feel weak and angry and upset at things that shouldn't matter anymore. Maybe taking pills is the easy way out. I simply can't tell anymore. Perhaps that's what I need someone else to be able to evaluate.
And maybe it's just time. I want to be able to say that I'm doing fine, and put my smile firmly in place, and have it actually, in reality, be the truth. But the truth is that I'm not okay. I want to be. I'm faking it very well. Which is awesome.
But the walls are actually closing in around me, and I just can't breathe anymore. And as everything gets closer and closer? Watching one catastrophe after another come crashing down, I'm not sure how many more times I can hold things together before I break. And the truth is that I simply don't have the time or the resources to snap.
If I end up with the balls I have in the air falling down, even one of them, I'm going to lose my apartment, going to end up homeless, and with nothing left. And I can't afford to let that happen. And that's what *will* happen if I drop anything. Things are too close to the wire for me to break. And I have no fall-back, and no one to catch me.
I snark at other people, because it must be nice for them to have people to take care of them, and to lean on, and things like that? Maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's just plain meanness at this point. And at this point? I no longer care. What gets said, how they think.
I don't have the time or the energy to care.
The last few days have made it perfectly clear to me that things have gotten bad for me. I care too much, and the emotions I want to stop decimating me, they are in fact drowning me. And no one could function this way, including me.
My favourite aunt lives up north, and the fires have been raging up there, not a mile from her home. It just barely got somewhat under control. She'd been evacuated days ago. I still haven't heard from her, but all I can do is assume that she's safe, and will be able to go home now. I hope. And hoping is all I can do.
My best friend and I are barely holding a sketchy friendship together, that may or may not hold, and at this point, I'm not even sure whether or not it's worth the constant flow of tears every time I get disappointed, because I'm so badly broken that I don't have the fortitude to keep it together enough for the fight.
The handful of people that I genuinely care about are watching me fall apart daily, knowing there isn't anything that can be done for me, because honestly, I don't want sympathy or pity, because that's just how and who I am.
I've become self-sufficient and independent over the last nine months, which is good on one hand, but to a certain extent, it means I no longer trust anyone, and I want nothing from anyone, because I've been let down and screwed over so much that I can't afford to let anyone in anymore.
The one person who I want the most, and want to fix things with the most, is a lost cause to me, and I know it. And I finally gave up on all of it. And while that's probably the best thing I can do now? It doesn't make the pain stop, and it doesn't make anything, any aspect of my life, easier.
My entire heart has shattered into so many pieces I've lost count in the last year. There's no amount of glue that can repair those breaks, and I've finally given up trying. Now? Now, I'm just trying to build a new life for myself, without any of the old attachments that I was so accustomed to. And it's hard. It's so hard to get up every morning, and get through every day, without anything or anyone that made me smile, and made me laugh.
I won't ever be who I was again.
And the depression is eating me alive. It isn't the depression that I used to have, where it crushed me, because I couldn't see straight. It's a circumstantial thing, caused by the last year, and all of the stress that's simply swamped me, and I can't seem to climb back out. And so maybe it's time. Time to ask the doctor for some help, something to make it easier to face the day, to want to go on, instead of wanting to give up. Perhaps it's time to admit that I'm not strong enough anymore.
I simply don't know anymore. I don't want to feel weak and angry and upset at things that shouldn't matter anymore. Maybe taking pills is the easy way out. I simply can't tell anymore. Perhaps that's what I need someone else to be able to evaluate.
Secret word of the week
This week the secret word of the week isn't going online. It will be back next Sunday.
A moment of silence for things lost and remembered.
A moment of silence for things lost and remembered.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Jezebel...
Wow. And it just hit me like a ton of bricks. That was where it all started, wasn't it? Jez died. And it crushed me, finding out that she was gone, because I had loved Cassie, and she was just suddenly gone, and it was a life lost, that shouldn't have been, and you came to comfort me, when I needed you. You seemed to understand that I was going to need somebody there with me, without my needing to put all the words into a coherent form that night.
And that was where it started, and I just realized it. I don't agree with the Christian philosophy that there's a point to everyone's death, and that we should all be learning some type of lesson from it. I don't agree with the things that are read out at the funerals, and I've never really understood what I'm supposed to be getting comfort from when someone is gone.
Yes, when someone has lived a long, full life? And it's their time to go? Then, that I understood. When my father died, and he was young? I never understood that. His sudden, unexplained, unexpected death was unfair, and unwarranted, and it wasn't acceptable. There was no *reason* for it.
And I never accepted or wanted to hear that it was "his time" or wanted to hear that there was some "greater plan" or that there was some grand lesson to be learned.
I thought it was all bullshit, and that whatever there was to be found in that great afterlife all the Christians are always talking about, I just can't wrap my head around that. The people who believe and have that concrete faith, and can embrace that? I'm sure that's wonderful for them. But I still don't agree. I don't think that someone who is a basically decent person should have to suffer in great pain, and be miserable, to prove some kind of point, and they'll get some sort of great reward in the afterlife.
I think that if you're a good person now, you shouldn't have to suffer, and be sick and miserable, and die early. I don't think your life should be a "lesson" to everybody else. I don't think a good and just God should be subjecting people to that.
And I don't understand why Christians believe that, or embrace it. I just don't get it. I don't understand it.
And now? Now that we're still standing here, not communicating, when you're hurting, and I can't help. Now that you've suffered a loss, and it brings back a time when it was a similar loss, and you stood next to me, to hold me and make it easier on me, because I didn't understand, and you couldn't do anything but be there to make it easier? It makes me sad to know I can't do anything to help in kind.
Everything and all the of it aside, all the pain, all the harsh words, all the anger. If you look back, and you need anything, I'm still there. As I've always been, as I'll always be. Because it's what a friend does. And it's what I've always been.
And that was where it started, and I just realized it. I don't agree with the Christian philosophy that there's a point to everyone's death, and that we should all be learning some type of lesson from it. I don't agree with the things that are read out at the funerals, and I've never really understood what I'm supposed to be getting comfort from when someone is gone.
Yes, when someone has lived a long, full life? And it's their time to go? Then, that I understood. When my father died, and he was young? I never understood that. His sudden, unexplained, unexpected death was unfair, and unwarranted, and it wasn't acceptable. There was no *reason* for it.
And I never accepted or wanted to hear that it was "his time" or wanted to hear that there was some "greater plan" or that there was some grand lesson to be learned.
I thought it was all bullshit, and that whatever there was to be found in that great afterlife all the Christians are always talking about, I just can't wrap my head around that. The people who believe and have that concrete faith, and can embrace that? I'm sure that's wonderful for them. But I still don't agree. I don't think that someone who is a basically decent person should have to suffer in great pain, and be miserable, to prove some kind of point, and they'll get some sort of great reward in the afterlife.
I think that if you're a good person now, you shouldn't have to suffer, and be sick and miserable, and die early. I don't think your life should be a "lesson" to everybody else. I don't think a good and just God should be subjecting people to that.
And I don't understand why Christians believe that, or embrace it. I just don't get it. I don't understand it.
And now? Now that we're still standing here, not communicating, when you're hurting, and I can't help. Now that you've suffered a loss, and it brings back a time when it was a similar loss, and you stood next to me, to hold me and make it easier on me, because I didn't understand, and you couldn't do anything but be there to make it easier? It makes me sad to know I can't do anything to help in kind.
Everything and all the of it aside, all the pain, all the harsh words, all the anger. If you look back, and you need anything, I'm still there. As I've always been, as I'll always be. Because it's what a friend does. And it's what I've always been.
Define irony
Cancer horoscope July 12, 2008
Saturday, July 12
Getting through to other people is a special challenge now. An improved attitude will help to make your present situation much easier. There are some things you just cannot change, no matter how hard you try. It is time to admit this to yourself and move on.
Saturday, July 12
Getting through to other people is a special challenge now. An improved attitude will help to make your present situation much easier. There are some things you just cannot change, no matter how hard you try. It is time to admit this to yourself and move on.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Dear Phillip
I'm so sorry. I am so incredibly sorry, and no amount of words will express that. My deepest sympathy to your mother, and I feel the loss, because I can't imagine how much pain she must be in, and if there was anything I could do to lessen it, I would.
For all of the bullshit of the last couple of months, and all of the anger that I've been spewing, and all the vitriol, it just all melted away. In the face of the pain your mother must be feeling right now, and that scale of loss? Mine faded, and all I could do was sit, and be humbled.
And I hope that you'll be there for her, and that you'll have enough strength to hold everything together, and that you'll remember that at the end of the day, you're loved and cared for, and that I know that you'll be what you've always been for her, a tower of strength when she needs you.
And that's wonderful. Be well, Phillip, and take good care of her, in this time, when she needs you most.
Love, Crystal
For all of the bullshit of the last couple of months, and all of the anger that I've been spewing, and all the vitriol, it just all melted away. In the face of the pain your mother must be feeling right now, and that scale of loss? Mine faded, and all I could do was sit, and be humbled.
And I hope that you'll be there for her, and that you'll have enough strength to hold everything together, and that you'll remember that at the end of the day, you're loved and cared for, and that I know that you'll be what you've always been for her, a tower of strength when she needs you.
And that's wonderful. Be well, Phillip, and take good care of her, in this time, when she needs you most.
Love, Crystal
Blarg.
So busy. Picked up a second job, although I need to finish out the simulator test in order to start working. It's for a really neat company, doing research, which I think I will end up being rather good at in the long run, but I'm still having a paranoia streak about doing the actual simulator testing. Once I push past that barrier, I should do really well. I need to psyche myself into passing the test, and it'll be all good. But they hired me, and it pays well, so we'll see.
Two jobs. Who would've thought? And I'm pretty excited about school too. But it's got me busy as hell, for all intents and purposes. And that's probably good. Keeps me more or less out of trouble. Only leaves me a little bit of time left over to sit and ponder life's injustices or whatever.
I only post blogs sometimes now, well, okay, I still blog a fair bit, and I post on my work forums, which is encouraged. I like that. I really hope that I get into the general psyche class that I'm currently wait-listed on, I'd rather be in that than in the one of the other classes. We shall see. Waiting on a couple of things back from FCC still. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
Feels like I spend a lot of time doing that, even though in reality it's only been like two weeks since I started this endeavor in the first place. Wow. Has it really only been that short of a time?
Monkey's here right now, doing a fast overnight while my Mom takes care of some other stuff, and she'll be gone again tomorrow. It was just a fast stop and go, and that's just as well, since I'm working all weekend, par for the course. Besides, I can't afford to feed this kid, she's a bottomless hole! Heh, I suppose it's to be expected, she's growing up, and kids eat a lot! I forget that, since they're not around all the time.
What else is going on? Hell, I don't know, and I'm not fully focused.
Oh. Hai, Danny! Hai, Phillip! Figure I might as well wave in the direction of people I know are reading my blog. Hai Kat, Mona, Sara, Tracy, Trinette, Sam, 'Chelle, Mom!
I know I have a fair amount of "anonymous" readers, and that's all good, I get a good strong following, which I like and appreciate. It makes me happy that people enjoy reading my blog, as I enjoy writing it. So, nice to have you here, and I'll be back later, writing more useless posts for everybody's entertain, I'm sure :)
Have a good weekend!
Two jobs. Who would've thought? And I'm pretty excited about school too. But it's got me busy as hell, for all intents and purposes. And that's probably good. Keeps me more or less out of trouble. Only leaves me a little bit of time left over to sit and ponder life's injustices or whatever.
I only post blogs sometimes now, well, okay, I still blog a fair bit, and I post on my work forums, which is encouraged. I like that. I really hope that I get into the general psyche class that I'm currently wait-listed on, I'd rather be in that than in the one of the other classes. We shall see. Waiting on a couple of things back from FCC still. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
Feels like I spend a lot of time doing that, even though in reality it's only been like two weeks since I started this endeavor in the first place. Wow. Has it really only been that short of a time?
Monkey's here right now, doing a fast overnight while my Mom takes care of some other stuff, and she'll be gone again tomorrow. It was just a fast stop and go, and that's just as well, since I'm working all weekend, par for the course. Besides, I can't afford to feed this kid, she's a bottomless hole! Heh, I suppose it's to be expected, she's growing up, and kids eat a lot! I forget that, since they're not around all the time.
What else is going on? Hell, I don't know, and I'm not fully focused.
Oh. Hai, Danny! Hai, Phillip! Figure I might as well wave in the direction of people I know are reading my blog. Hai Kat, Mona, Sara, Tracy, Trinette, Sam, 'Chelle, Mom!
I know I have a fair amount of "anonymous" readers, and that's all good, I get a good strong following, which I like and appreciate. It makes me happy that people enjoy reading my blog, as I enjoy writing it. So, nice to have you here, and I'll be back later, writing more useless posts for everybody's entertain, I'm sure :)
Have a good weekend!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Sociopathic tendencies
HOW TO KNOW
The big question is, of course, how can you know whether someone is a sociopath or not? It is a difficult question and even experts on the subject can be fooled. If you suspect that someone close to you is a sociopath, I strongly recommend you read both of those books I mentioned and think hard about it. Compare that person to the other people in your life. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you often feel used by the person?
2. Have you often felt that he (or she) doesn't care about you?
3. Does he lie and deceive you?
4. Does he tend to make contradictory statements?
5. Does he tend to take from you and not give back much?
6. Does he often appeal to pity? Does he seem to try to make you feel sorry for him?
7. Does he try to make you feel guilty?
8. Do you sometimes feel he is taking advantage of your good nature?
9. Does he seem easily bored and need constant stimulation?
10. Does he use a lot of flattery? Does he interact with you in a way that makes you feel flattered even if he says nothing overtly complimentary?
11. Does he make you feel worried? Does he do it obviously or more cleverly and sneakily?
12. Does he give you the impression you owe him?
13. Does he chronically fail to take responsibility for harming others? Does he blame everyone and everything but himself?
And does he do these things far more than the other people in your life? If you answered yes to many of these, you may be dealing with a sociopath. For sure you're dealing with someone who isn't good for you, whatever you want to call him.
I like Martha Stout's way of detecting sociopaths: "If ... you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to one hundred percent that you are dealing with a sociopath."
WHAT DO THEY WANT?
This is an interesting question. Of course most people have purposes that are strongly influenced by our connections and affections with others. Our relationships with others, and our love for them, give us most of the meaning in life. So if a sociopath doesn't have these things, what is left? What kind of purposes do they have? The answer is chilling: They want to win. Take away love and relationships and all you have left is winning the game, whatever the game is decided to be. If they are in business, it is becoming rich. If it is sibling rivalry, it is defeating the sibling. If it is a contest, the goal is to dominate. If a sociopath is the envious sort, winning would be making the other lose, or fail, or be frustrated, or embarrassed.
A sociopath's goal is to win. And he is willing to do anything at all to win. And sociopaths have nothing else to think about, so they can be very clever and conniving. Sociopaths are not busy being concerned with relationships or moral dilemmas or conflicting feelings, so they have much more time to think about clever ways to gain your trust and stab you in the back, and how do it without anyone knowing what's happening.
One of the questions above was about boredom. This is a real problem for sociopaths and they seem fanatically driven to prevent boredom. The reason it looms so large for them (and seems so strange to us) is that our relationships with people occupy a good amount of our time and attention. Take that away and all you have is "playing to win" which is rather shallow and empty in comparison. So boredom is a constant problem for sociopaths and they have an incessant urge to keep up a level of stimulation, even negative stimulation (drama, worry, upset, etc.).
And here I might mention that the research shows sociopaths don't feel emotions the same way normal people do. For example, they don't experience fear as unpleasant. This goes a long way to explaining the inexplicable behavior you'll see in sociopaths. Some feelings that you and I might find intolerable might not bother them at all.
WHEN YOU SAY THE WORD "sociopath" most people think of serial killers. But although many serial killers are sociopaths, there are far more sociopaths leading ordinary lives. Chances are you know a sociopath. I say "ordinary lives," but what they do is far from ordinary. Sociopaths are people without a conscience. They don't have the normal empathy the rest of us take for granted. They don't feel affection. They don't care about others. But most of them are good observers, and they have learned how to mimic those feelings remarkably well.
Most people with a conscience find it very difficult to even imagine what it would be like to be without one. Combine this with a sociopath's efforts to blend in, and what you get is most sociopaths go undetected. The reason this is a problem is that they wreak havoc on their family, on people they work with, and on anyone who tries to be their friend. A sociopath deceives, takes what he wants, and hurts people without any remorse. Sociopaths don't feel guilty. They don't feel sorry for what they've done. They go through life taking what they want and giving nothing back. They manipulate and deceive and convincingly lie without the slightest second thought. They leave a path of confusion and upset in their wake.
Who are these people? Why are they the way they are? Apparently it has little to do with upbringing. Many studies have been done trying to find out what kind of childhood leads to sociopathy. So far, nothing looks likely. They could be from any kind of family. It is partly genetic, and partly mystery.
But researchers have found that the brains of sociopaths function differently than normal people. And their brains function in a way that makes their emotional life unredeemably shallow. And yet they are capable of mimicking emotions like professional actors.
Sociopaths and psychopaths are the same thing. The original name for this disorder was "psychopath" but the general public and media confused it with "psycho" and "psychotic" so in the 1930s the name was changed to sociopath. Recently the media again caused a misperception that sociopaths were always serial killers, so now many call the condition "antisocial personality disorder (ASPD)." But some experts think ASPD includes many things like narcissism, paranoia, etc. And also including sociopathy. And others think ASPD is the same thing as sociopathy, but the diagnostic criteria used to describe and diagnose ASPD is different than sociopathy, so for the purposes of this article, we'll stay with the term "sociopathy."
Sociopaths don't have normal affection with other people. They don't feel attached to others. They don't feel love. And that is why they don't have a conscience. If you harmed someone, even someone you didn't know, you would feel guilt and remorse. Why? Because you have a natural affinity for other human beings. You know how it feels to suffer, to fear, to feel anguish. You care about others. And if you hurt someone you love, the guilt and remorse would be very bad because of your affection for him or her. Take that attachment and affection away and you take away remorse, guilt, and any kind of normal feelings of fairness. That's a sociopath.
HOW COMMON ARE THEY?
Some researchers say only about one percent of the general population are sociopaths. Others put the figure at three or four percent. The reason the estimates vary is first of all, not everyone has been tested, of course, but also because sociopathy is a sliding scale. A person can be very sociopathic or only slightly, and anywhere in between. It is a continuum. So how sociopathic does someone have to be before you call them sociopathic? That's a tough question and it is why the estimates vary.
But clearly sociopaths are fairly common and not easy to detect. Even when the evidence is staring you in the face, you may have difficulty admitting that someone you know, someone you trusted, even someone you love, is a sociopath. But the sooner you admit it, the faster your life can return to normal. Face the facts and you may save yourself a lot of suffering.
Most of the information in this article is from two excellent books: Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us, and The Sociopath Next Door. The first book is by Robert Hare, who has made his career out of studying sociopaths. He is one of the leading, if not the leading expert on the subject. His insights and examples are compelling. But because Hare has done most of his research in prisons, sometimes his book seems a little removed from everyday reality. We don't very often run into rapists and cold-blooded killers. The second book, by Martha Stout, brings it to the everyday level, describing the kinds of people we are likely to meet in ordinary life.
HOW TO DEAL WITH A SOCIOPATH
There is no known cure or therapy for sociopathy. In fact, some evidence suggests that therapy makes them worse because they use it to learn more about human vulnerabilities they can then exploit. They learn how to manipulate better and they learn better excuses that others will believe. Given all that, there is only one solution for dealing with a sociopath: Get him or her completely out of your life for good. This seems radical, and of course, you want to be fairly sure your diagnosis is correct, but you need to protect yourself from the drain on your time, attention, money, and good attitude. Healing or helping a sociopath is a pointless waste of your life. That is not your mission. That's not your responsibility. You have your own goals, and those are your responsibility.
In Hare's book, he says before you diagnose someone as a sociopath, he recommends you get a full clinical diagnostic, including an extensive interview with the sociopath by a qualified psychotherapist, plus interviews with the sociopath's bosses, co-workers, friends, and family. Yeah, right. Good luck on that one. I agree, that would be ideal, but if you can get a sociopath to submit to an interview, I would be astonished. So you'll have to do the best you can with the information you can get.
I don't recommend you tell anyone you have diagnosed him as a sociopath. In fact, I strongly urge you not to. I don't even know if it's a good idea to tell anyone about your conclusion. Just get the sociopath out of your life with as little fanfare as you can. The only exception I would make to this rule is if the sociopath is making someone else's life a living hell, it seems wrong to leave her to the wolves while you slink off. I don't recommend you try to convince your friend she is dealing with a sociopath. I recommend that you simply say you got a lot of insight from this or that book or whatever, and let your friend draw her own conclusions. It is not your mission to save your friend, either. Tell her what you know and if she ignores you, that's her problem, not yours.
If this all sounds cold or heartless, maybe you're not dealing with a sociopath, or maybe she or he hasn't driven you to the point of madness (yet). But remember what the solution is; you may someday need it.
And besides, the point of all this dismal information is so you no longer need to think about such negative things and so you can turn your attention to positive, life-affirming, uplifting goals of your own.
You may also want to check out an online support group for people who are in a relationship with a sociopath:
MSN Groups: Psychopathy
MSN Groups: Friends and Family
If you have a sociopath in your life, you should take it seriously. Learn what you need to learn, and if you are pretty sure you have correctly identified one, do what needs to be done to protect yourself. Then get back to your own life. Accomplish your goals. Nurture your relationships. Learn and grow and enjoy yourself.
Summary Of Sociopaths
1. They make you feel sorry for them.
2. They make you feel worried or afraid.
3. They give you the impression you owe them.
4. They make you feel used.
5. Sometimes you suspect they don't care about you.
6. They lie to you and deceive you.
7. They take a lot from you and give back very little.
8. They make you feel guilty (and use that to manipulate you).
9. They take advantage of your kindness.
10. They are easily bored and need constant stimulation.
11. They don't take responsibility but place blame elsewhere.
The big question is, of course, how can you know whether someone is a sociopath or not? It is a difficult question and even experts on the subject can be fooled. If you suspect that someone close to you is a sociopath, I strongly recommend you read both of those books I mentioned and think hard about it. Compare that person to the other people in your life. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you often feel used by the person?
2. Have you often felt that he (or she) doesn't care about you?
3. Does he lie and deceive you?
4. Does he tend to make contradictory statements?
5. Does he tend to take from you and not give back much?
6. Does he often appeal to pity? Does he seem to try to make you feel sorry for him?
7. Does he try to make you feel guilty?
8. Do you sometimes feel he is taking advantage of your good nature?
9. Does he seem easily bored and need constant stimulation?
10. Does he use a lot of flattery? Does he interact with you in a way that makes you feel flattered even if he says nothing overtly complimentary?
11. Does he make you feel worried? Does he do it obviously or more cleverly and sneakily?
12. Does he give you the impression you owe him?
13. Does he chronically fail to take responsibility for harming others? Does he blame everyone and everything but himself?
And does he do these things far more than the other people in your life? If you answered yes to many of these, you may be dealing with a sociopath. For sure you're dealing with someone who isn't good for you, whatever you want to call him.
I like Martha Stout's way of detecting sociopaths: "If ... you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to one hundred percent that you are dealing with a sociopath."
WHAT DO THEY WANT?
This is an interesting question. Of course most people have purposes that are strongly influenced by our connections and affections with others. Our relationships with others, and our love for them, give us most of the meaning in life. So if a sociopath doesn't have these things, what is left? What kind of purposes do they have? The answer is chilling: They want to win. Take away love and relationships and all you have left is winning the game, whatever the game is decided to be. If they are in business, it is becoming rich. If it is sibling rivalry, it is defeating the sibling. If it is a contest, the goal is to dominate. If a sociopath is the envious sort, winning would be making the other lose, or fail, or be frustrated, or embarrassed.
A sociopath's goal is to win. And he is willing to do anything at all to win. And sociopaths have nothing else to think about, so they can be very clever and conniving. Sociopaths are not busy being concerned with relationships or moral dilemmas or conflicting feelings, so they have much more time to think about clever ways to gain your trust and stab you in the back, and how do it without anyone knowing what's happening.
One of the questions above was about boredom. This is a real problem for sociopaths and they seem fanatically driven to prevent boredom. The reason it looms so large for them (and seems so strange to us) is that our relationships with people occupy a good amount of our time and attention. Take that away and all you have is "playing to win" which is rather shallow and empty in comparison. So boredom is a constant problem for sociopaths and they have an incessant urge to keep up a level of stimulation, even negative stimulation (drama, worry, upset, etc.).
And here I might mention that the research shows sociopaths don't feel emotions the same way normal people do. For example, they don't experience fear as unpleasant. This goes a long way to explaining the inexplicable behavior you'll see in sociopaths. Some feelings that you and I might find intolerable might not bother them at all.
WHEN YOU SAY THE WORD "sociopath" most people think of serial killers. But although many serial killers are sociopaths, there are far more sociopaths leading ordinary lives. Chances are you know a sociopath. I say "ordinary lives," but what they do is far from ordinary. Sociopaths are people without a conscience. They don't have the normal empathy the rest of us take for granted. They don't feel affection. They don't care about others. But most of them are good observers, and they have learned how to mimic those feelings remarkably well.
Most people with a conscience find it very difficult to even imagine what it would be like to be without one. Combine this with a sociopath's efforts to blend in, and what you get is most sociopaths go undetected. The reason this is a problem is that they wreak havoc on their family, on people they work with, and on anyone who tries to be their friend. A sociopath deceives, takes what he wants, and hurts people without any remorse. Sociopaths don't feel guilty. They don't feel sorry for what they've done. They go through life taking what they want and giving nothing back. They manipulate and deceive and convincingly lie without the slightest second thought. They leave a path of confusion and upset in their wake.
Who are these people? Why are they the way they are? Apparently it has little to do with upbringing. Many studies have been done trying to find out what kind of childhood leads to sociopathy. So far, nothing looks likely. They could be from any kind of family. It is partly genetic, and partly mystery.
But researchers have found that the brains of sociopaths function differently than normal people. And their brains function in a way that makes their emotional life unredeemably shallow. And yet they are capable of mimicking emotions like professional actors.
Sociopaths and psychopaths are the same thing. The original name for this disorder was "psychopath" but the general public and media confused it with "psycho" and "psychotic" so in the 1930s the name was changed to sociopath. Recently the media again caused a misperception that sociopaths were always serial killers, so now many call the condition "antisocial personality disorder (ASPD)." But some experts think ASPD includes many things like narcissism, paranoia, etc. And also including sociopathy. And others think ASPD is the same thing as sociopathy, but the diagnostic criteria used to describe and diagnose ASPD is different than sociopathy, so for the purposes of this article, we'll stay with the term "sociopathy."
Sociopaths don't have normal affection with other people. They don't feel attached to others. They don't feel love. And that is why they don't have a conscience. If you harmed someone, even someone you didn't know, you would feel guilt and remorse. Why? Because you have a natural affinity for other human beings. You know how it feels to suffer, to fear, to feel anguish. You care about others. And if you hurt someone you love, the guilt and remorse would be very bad because of your affection for him or her. Take that attachment and affection away and you take away remorse, guilt, and any kind of normal feelings of fairness. That's a sociopath.
HOW COMMON ARE THEY?
Some researchers say only about one percent of the general population are sociopaths. Others put the figure at three or four percent. The reason the estimates vary is first of all, not everyone has been tested, of course, but also because sociopathy is a sliding scale. A person can be very sociopathic or only slightly, and anywhere in between. It is a continuum. So how sociopathic does someone have to be before you call them sociopathic? That's a tough question and it is why the estimates vary.
But clearly sociopaths are fairly common and not easy to detect. Even when the evidence is staring you in the face, you may have difficulty admitting that someone you know, someone you trusted, even someone you love, is a sociopath. But the sooner you admit it, the faster your life can return to normal. Face the facts and you may save yourself a lot of suffering.
Most of the information in this article is from two excellent books: Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us, and The Sociopath Next Door. The first book is by Robert Hare, who has made his career out of studying sociopaths. He is one of the leading, if not the leading expert on the subject. His insights and examples are compelling. But because Hare has done most of his research in prisons, sometimes his book seems a little removed from everyday reality. We don't very often run into rapists and cold-blooded killers. The second book, by Martha Stout, brings it to the everyday level, describing the kinds of people we are likely to meet in ordinary life.
HOW TO DEAL WITH A SOCIOPATH
There is no known cure or therapy for sociopathy. In fact, some evidence suggests that therapy makes them worse because they use it to learn more about human vulnerabilities they can then exploit. They learn how to manipulate better and they learn better excuses that others will believe. Given all that, there is only one solution for dealing with a sociopath: Get him or her completely out of your life for good. This seems radical, and of course, you want to be fairly sure your diagnosis is correct, but you need to protect yourself from the drain on your time, attention, money, and good attitude. Healing or helping a sociopath is a pointless waste of your life. That is not your mission. That's not your responsibility. You have your own goals, and those are your responsibility.
In Hare's book, he says before you diagnose someone as a sociopath, he recommends you get a full clinical diagnostic, including an extensive interview with the sociopath by a qualified psychotherapist, plus interviews with the sociopath's bosses, co-workers, friends, and family. Yeah, right. Good luck on that one. I agree, that would be ideal, but if you can get a sociopath to submit to an interview, I would be astonished. So you'll have to do the best you can with the information you can get.
I don't recommend you tell anyone you have diagnosed him as a sociopath. In fact, I strongly urge you not to. I don't even know if it's a good idea to tell anyone about your conclusion. Just get the sociopath out of your life with as little fanfare as you can. The only exception I would make to this rule is if the sociopath is making someone else's life a living hell, it seems wrong to leave her to the wolves while you slink off. I don't recommend you try to convince your friend she is dealing with a sociopath. I recommend that you simply say you got a lot of insight from this or that book or whatever, and let your friend draw her own conclusions. It is not your mission to save your friend, either. Tell her what you know and if she ignores you, that's her problem, not yours.
If this all sounds cold or heartless, maybe you're not dealing with a sociopath, or maybe she or he hasn't driven you to the point of madness (yet). But remember what the solution is; you may someday need it.
And besides, the point of all this dismal information is so you no longer need to think about such negative things and so you can turn your attention to positive, life-affirming, uplifting goals of your own.
You may also want to check out an online support group for people who are in a relationship with a sociopath:
MSN Groups: Psychopathy
MSN Groups: Friends and Family
If you have a sociopath in your life, you should take it seriously. Learn what you need to learn, and if you are pretty sure you have correctly identified one, do what needs to be done to protect yourself. Then get back to your own life. Accomplish your goals. Nurture your relationships. Learn and grow and enjoy yourself.
Summary Of Sociopaths
1. They make you feel sorry for them.
2. They make you feel worried or afraid.
3. They give you the impression you owe them.
4. They make you feel used.
5. Sometimes you suspect they don't care about you.
6. They lie to you and deceive you.
7. They take a lot from you and give back very little.
8. They make you feel guilty (and use that to manipulate you).
9. They take advantage of your kindness.
10. They are easily bored and need constant stimulation.
11. They don't take responsibility but place blame elsewhere.
Ah, horoscopes :(
Wednesday, July 9
Cancer:
Reaching understanding with others concerning feelings and emotional issues is a special focus for you at this time. Resist the lure of something that is obviously bad for you. You must be willing to break out of a downward spiral by accepting the inevitable. The line between the foolish and the wise has never been more clearly drawn.
Cancer:
Reaching understanding with others concerning feelings and emotional issues is a special focus for you at this time. Resist the lure of something that is obviously bad for you. You must be willing to break out of a downward spiral by accepting the inevitable. The line between the foolish and the wise has never been more clearly drawn.
How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.
I thought we'd get to see forever
But forever's gone away
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
I don't know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we've been
And what we've been through.
If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it's worth all the wait
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.
I thought we'd get to see forever
But forever's gone away
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
I don't know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we've been
And what we've been through.
If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it's worth all the wait
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
Minor updates and random decisions
Stupid neuro didn't fax the paperwork. Will be harassing him tomorrow. Need the paperwork. Argh. Lost four more pounds. Yay? Amusing, since I'm still doing nothing to actively cause it. But whatever. Am completely enrolled at FCC, with 12 units, and pending three more, if I can get into the other class I'm wait-listed for. We shall see. Waiting on a couple of responses from various things as well.
Kids came, kids left. Kids are back at home. Am back to working. Sprained my ankle, was wicked. Still somewhat messed up. Isn't broken, got x-rays. Love x-rays, much faster, less of a pain in the ass than an hour long MRI scan. Yay, x-rays. Still swollen like a bitch though.
Esbat's being pissy, like all the time. He'll just have to get over it. I refuse to allow my cat to be as completely neurotic as I am.
Unacceptable.
Oh, and I've decided that I am going to entertain myself for the month between now and when I start school by randomly just amusing myself each day, once a day. And that is my decision, and so shall it be! At least it's keeping me occupied And if you don't understand what I'm talking about, that's okay, as that amuses me as well. At least it's keeping me out of trouble, and giving me something to do that isn't stress myself sick or work.
So those are my basic updates.
Now I'm going to go dope myself into sleep, and then tomorrow I will be dragging work out of the pervert pond, whether they want to be fishes or not, because I need to fish! A certain amount of fishes need to hook onto my lure, because I deem it so, and thus, so shall it be. Wishcraft, for the win!
I wonder if I wish it so, if the other things I want will fall into my path? Hmm....
G'nite internets.
Kids came, kids left. Kids are back at home. Am back to working. Sprained my ankle, was wicked. Still somewhat messed up. Isn't broken, got x-rays. Love x-rays, much faster, less of a pain in the ass than an hour long MRI scan. Yay, x-rays. Still swollen like a bitch though.
Esbat's being pissy, like all the time. He'll just have to get over it. I refuse to allow my cat to be as completely neurotic as I am.
Unacceptable.
Oh, and I've decided that I am going to entertain myself for the month between now and when I start school by randomly just amusing myself each day, once a day. And that is my decision, and so shall it be! At least it's keeping me occupied And if you don't understand what I'm talking about, that's okay, as that amuses me as well. At least it's keeping me out of trouble, and giving me something to do that isn't stress myself sick or work.
So those are my basic updates.
Now I'm going to go dope myself into sleep, and then tomorrow I will be dragging work out of the pervert pond, whether they want to be fishes or not, because I need to fish! A certain amount of fishes need to hook onto my lure, because I deem it so, and thus, so shall it be. Wishcraft, for the win!
I wonder if I wish it so, if the other things I want will fall into my path? Hmm....
G'nite internets.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
You could be happy
You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you grow
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you grow
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
Secret word of the week
It's Sunday, word of the week time, and here's the word for today:
"dudgeon"
And again, as always, if you don't know the word, you can always look it up.
'Tis my word, and suits my mood for this week.
Have a good Sunday. My phones are turned to silent for most of today, as I'll be working, and needed them quiet, and I'll be busy. I'll turn them back on this afternoon when work slows down.
Take care.
"dudgeon"
And again, as always, if you don't know the word, you can always look it up.
'Tis my word, and suits my mood for this week.
Have a good Sunday. My phones are turned to silent for most of today, as I'll be working, and needed them quiet, and I'll be busy. I'll turn them back on this afternoon when work slows down.
Take care.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Whatever it takes
A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes
She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better
But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes
Lifehouse - Whatever it takes - Playing on Youtube
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes
She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better
But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes
Lifehouse - Whatever it takes - Playing on Youtube
Why?
Why would you ask that of me? If you really love me, the way that you've always said, why in the holy hell would you ask me to keep being kicked, and making myself sick, trying to keep everything going?
You don't want me. That's fine. You made your choice. And that's fine, you made an adult decision, all by yourself. And I have to live with that decision, and I am. But you can't keep asking me to sit and accept everything else, all the petty bullshit, and drama, and pain and hurt. Day after day after day. You can't expect that of me.
You can't expect me to listen to my name being slandered, and the vicious remarks, and the bullshit accusations. You can't expect me to put up with all of that sanctimonious *crap* in the name of a friendship that's hidden and sneaky and underhanded. You can't honestly believe that the "improvements", where I get stood up, and I get slipped in as long as everyone else has something else planned, then you have time, you can't honestly think that's an improvement for *me*?
It's still the same bullshit set of excuses I've been fed for months, and it's still not going to work. And you don't understand that, and you want me to keep giving out chances, and giving you time to "fix" something that has no real chance of getting fixed. There *is* no good solution.
She got what she wanted. I'm gone now, and she has you all to herself. There won't be a niggling little ex-best-friend, or ex-girlfriend that she can blame for whatever problems there are now. I won't be the convenient excuse for the lack of things in common anymore. I won't be the convenient excuse for the fights, or the convenient excuse for anything else anymore.
And I won't sit and cry when you kick me off the phone, because you got home, and you have to boot me, because it's time to go back to your real life, and I'm not a part of it. I'm just the dirty secret that you spend time with, until you get to the real life you're living the rest of the time. Or maybe it's that I'm the part you still miss, and you can't have at the same time you're living the real life?
But I can't keep throwing up after every conversation where I feel like someone's secret. The person you spend time with, when everybody else has something else planned. The best friend, who isn't anymore. You call me that, but in all honesty, the best friend is something that you see *no matter what*, not someone you see *only when* everyone else is tied up with other plans. And that's what I've become.
You make it to the Linux meet-up, no matter what else is going on. You manage to go out to see Mike when he makes it into town, no matter whether or not everybody else would rather you were home. But me? You only have time for me, if she has a Purse party to go to. Or some other place she has to be. You never, ever, come and see me, or hang out with me, or talk to me, unless she has somewhere else she has to be. Ever. Unless she's asleep, or out somewhere, I'm invisible and irrelevant.
I'm not your best friend anymore. I'm barely even your friend. And at this point? I'm not even that. So let me go. There's nothing left. You made your choice, and now you need to live with it, and just let it go. You wanted to do the adult thing, but you can't keep hurting me, just because you claim to not want to lose a friendship that got killed long before now. You simply didn't see it, because you didn't want to. Because I wasn't willing to cry *at* you, every time. I don't use guilt that way. I get accused of it, but I don't actually do it.
You want to pretend that everything is fine, and it can still be the way it was. But it can't. Because all the things that made us friends had to do with trust, loyalty and the fact that we actually *did* spend time together, we did interact, and we were close, and talked, and shared secrets, and were involved in each others' day to day lives. And we haven't been, not in months. Because it wasn't allowed.
You want it in a nutshell? You aren't allowed to be my friend. I'm not allowed to be yours. You chose a partner who wants to more than halfway run your life, at least insofar as which *female* people you're allowed to interact with. She doesn't give a shit who you hang out with, go out with, or interact with, as long as they aren't female. And that's just how it is. That's how it's been with all her boyfriends. It's fine who they spend their time with, as long as they aren't of the opposite sex. And she immediately laid that down with you, and you allowed it, without even realizing it.
And now you've lost a friendship that lasted almost thirteen years, because I won't keep being tossed aside, and hidden away, and snuck in ten minute bits while you're at the store, and then told "whoops, gotta go" as soon as you're home again.
And I'm sorry. More sorry than you will ever know, or understand. But you've asked so much more than you could have expected. And I kept trying and trying and trying, because I didn't want to lose you. You kept me sane, and I loved you. But at some point, I had to walk away, and say enough. Because what you're doing? It isn't fair. It hasn't been fair. You want a way to make it all work, and there simply isn't one.
You banish me from your home. Without having done anything at all *to* her, I'm told I'm vile, I'm hated, I'm a selfish, unconscionable bitch, who needs to go and shove it up her ass. And you don't defend me. You tell me to just wait it out. And that's not fair. And it's not right.
She wants love and understanding. And she's got it. In spades. Undeserving, to be sure, as she has proven to be an untrustworthy little shit, who has no compunctions about cheating, and lying. But she gets loads of love and understanding. And I get dumped on and told to just sit tight, and let it blow over.
Well you know what? I don't need to let it blow over. I didn't deserve this crap, not from you. And I'm not obligated to keep beating my head against a wall, trying to keep it all together anymore. I got absolutely no understanding. And nobody defending *me*. And nothing even vaguely resembling courtesy or respect from you, or a show of loyalty in a way that would have salvaged that thirteen year friendship. That wasn't important enough to put your foot down for. And I know it won't ever be important enough. You say all the right words. But I've heard them before. The actions didn't follow.
And I don't believe anything that's words anymore. And I'm out of second chances. And the phone ringing and ringing won't change my mind anymore. And the fact that I end up throwing my guts up after the round of phone calls, because I miss you that badly? Isn't going to make me answer it. It's just going to make me miss you more. And make me hate her more, for having made it so that our friendship was blown to smithereens, because she has her claws sunk so far into you that you're not allowed to be your own person without her having a full on meltdown, because she needs so much love and understanding. Because after all, she never guilts anyone into doing anything. Isn't that what she said? She'd never use guilt to get her way?
Oh, wait. That's supposedly me.
You don't want me. That's fine. You made your choice. And that's fine, you made an adult decision, all by yourself. And I have to live with that decision, and I am. But you can't keep asking me to sit and accept everything else, all the petty bullshit, and drama, and pain and hurt. Day after day after day. You can't expect that of me.
You can't expect me to listen to my name being slandered, and the vicious remarks, and the bullshit accusations. You can't expect me to put up with all of that sanctimonious *crap* in the name of a friendship that's hidden and sneaky and underhanded. You can't honestly believe that the "improvements", where I get stood up, and I get slipped in as long as everyone else has something else planned, then you have time, you can't honestly think that's an improvement for *me*?
It's still the same bullshit set of excuses I've been fed for months, and it's still not going to work. And you don't understand that, and you want me to keep giving out chances, and giving you time to "fix" something that has no real chance of getting fixed. There *is* no good solution.
She got what she wanted. I'm gone now, and she has you all to herself. There won't be a niggling little ex-best-friend, or ex-girlfriend that she can blame for whatever problems there are now. I won't be the convenient excuse for the lack of things in common anymore. I won't be the convenient excuse for the fights, or the convenient excuse for anything else anymore.
And I won't sit and cry when you kick me off the phone, because you got home, and you have to boot me, because it's time to go back to your real life, and I'm not a part of it. I'm just the dirty secret that you spend time with, until you get to the real life you're living the rest of the time. Or maybe it's that I'm the part you still miss, and you can't have at the same time you're living the real life?
But I can't keep throwing up after every conversation where I feel like someone's secret. The person you spend time with, when everybody else has something else planned. The best friend, who isn't anymore. You call me that, but in all honesty, the best friend is something that you see *no matter what*, not someone you see *only when* everyone else is tied up with other plans. And that's what I've become.
You make it to the Linux meet-up, no matter what else is going on. You manage to go out to see Mike when he makes it into town, no matter whether or not everybody else would rather you were home. But me? You only have time for me, if she has a Purse party to go to. Or some other place she has to be. You never, ever, come and see me, or hang out with me, or talk to me, unless she has somewhere else she has to be. Ever. Unless she's asleep, or out somewhere, I'm invisible and irrelevant.
I'm not your best friend anymore. I'm barely even your friend. And at this point? I'm not even that. So let me go. There's nothing left. You made your choice, and now you need to live with it, and just let it go. You wanted to do the adult thing, but you can't keep hurting me, just because you claim to not want to lose a friendship that got killed long before now. You simply didn't see it, because you didn't want to. Because I wasn't willing to cry *at* you, every time. I don't use guilt that way. I get accused of it, but I don't actually do it.
You want to pretend that everything is fine, and it can still be the way it was. But it can't. Because all the things that made us friends had to do with trust, loyalty and the fact that we actually *did* spend time together, we did interact, and we were close, and talked, and shared secrets, and were involved in each others' day to day lives. And we haven't been, not in months. Because it wasn't allowed.
You want it in a nutshell? You aren't allowed to be my friend. I'm not allowed to be yours. You chose a partner who wants to more than halfway run your life, at least insofar as which *female* people you're allowed to interact with. She doesn't give a shit who you hang out with, go out with, or interact with, as long as they aren't female. And that's just how it is. That's how it's been with all her boyfriends. It's fine who they spend their time with, as long as they aren't of the opposite sex. And she immediately laid that down with you, and you allowed it, without even realizing it.
And now you've lost a friendship that lasted almost thirteen years, because I won't keep being tossed aside, and hidden away, and snuck in ten minute bits while you're at the store, and then told "whoops, gotta go" as soon as you're home again.
And I'm sorry. More sorry than you will ever know, or understand. But you've asked so much more than you could have expected. And I kept trying and trying and trying, because I didn't want to lose you. You kept me sane, and I loved you. But at some point, I had to walk away, and say enough. Because what you're doing? It isn't fair. It hasn't been fair. You want a way to make it all work, and there simply isn't one.
You banish me from your home. Without having done anything at all *to* her, I'm told I'm vile, I'm hated, I'm a selfish, unconscionable bitch, who needs to go and shove it up her ass. And you don't defend me. You tell me to just wait it out. And that's not fair. And it's not right.
She wants love and understanding. And she's got it. In spades. Undeserving, to be sure, as she has proven to be an untrustworthy little shit, who has no compunctions about cheating, and lying. But she gets loads of love and understanding. And I get dumped on and told to just sit tight, and let it blow over.
Well you know what? I don't need to let it blow over. I didn't deserve this crap, not from you. And I'm not obligated to keep beating my head against a wall, trying to keep it all together anymore. I got absolutely no understanding. And nobody defending *me*. And nothing even vaguely resembling courtesy or respect from you, or a show of loyalty in a way that would have salvaged that thirteen year friendship. That wasn't important enough to put your foot down for. And I know it won't ever be important enough. You say all the right words. But I've heard them before. The actions didn't follow.
And I don't believe anything that's words anymore. And I'm out of second chances. And the phone ringing and ringing won't change my mind anymore. And the fact that I end up throwing my guts up after the round of phone calls, because I miss you that badly? Isn't going to make me answer it. It's just going to make me miss you more. And make me hate her more, for having made it so that our friendship was blown to smithereens, because she has her claws sunk so far into you that you're not allowed to be your own person without her having a full on meltdown, because she needs so much love and understanding. Because after all, she never guilts anyone into doing anything. Isn't that what she said? She'd never use guilt to get her way?
Oh, wait. That's supposedly me.
Friday, July 4, 2008
hey you
I am so tired, and I sit and listen to the endless silence as the clock makes the quiet tick tock sound, echoing in the apartment. And I'm exhausted, and still I cannot sleep. I want to, but I can't. And it isn't for a lack of trying. The thoughts ricochet around inside of my head, and I still can't make them stop. I write and write, endless soliloquies that are dumped into endless files or trashed altogether. Letters unsent, and monologues unspoken. So many words and thoughts that I can't express, and wouldn't even if I could. Wouldn't know where to begin or to end, or even to try. Battering against my poor, exhausted brain until I finally collapse.
Minutes that turn into hours, which finally turn into days, and nothing changes, everything seems to remain the same. And yet, everything changes. I go through the motions, drifting through each day, as it turns into a week, then into a month. Knowing that it will turn into a routine at some point, and the pain will become an ache, and eventually will become nothing, just numbness.
And I look forward to that day, when I will finally sleep, and there will be nothing but numbness encircling my heart, as it was once before. Easy, comfortable walls, closing off everything. Comfortably numb.
It would be so easy, to take the easy way out. To take something to numb the pain with myriad medications at my fingertips. So easy to be the coward that everyone else gets to be. Why do I never take that option? Because I'm me. And being a coward has never been my way. But some days, I wish I was more weak. That I could choose the easy choice, and just drift into an easy oblivion, where the weak-of-will go, to make it all stop.
Comfort in a bottle, with pills, with alcohol, with *something*, regardless of what that something was. And yet I never do. I bury myself inside my computer, inside a journal, a notebook. I bury myself in work. Never the easy choice, a mind-numbing agent. I don't understand why.
And yet, still I don't sleep. Because when I finally pass out? It's you I dream of. Your face I see, and your arms that I feel. And it hurts, and it damages me. And it makes me avoid sleep, because it isn't worth the pain. I'd rather deal with it awake, than fight it when I'm vulnerable.
When will it stop hurting?
Minutes that turn into hours, which finally turn into days, and nothing changes, everything seems to remain the same. And yet, everything changes. I go through the motions, drifting through each day, as it turns into a week, then into a month. Knowing that it will turn into a routine at some point, and the pain will become an ache, and eventually will become nothing, just numbness.
And I look forward to that day, when I will finally sleep, and there will be nothing but numbness encircling my heart, as it was once before. Easy, comfortable walls, closing off everything. Comfortably numb.
It would be so easy, to take the easy way out. To take something to numb the pain with myriad medications at my fingertips. So easy to be the coward that everyone else gets to be. Why do I never take that option? Because I'm me. And being a coward has never been my way. But some days, I wish I was more weak. That I could choose the easy choice, and just drift into an easy oblivion, where the weak-of-will go, to make it all stop.
Comfort in a bottle, with pills, with alcohol, with *something*, regardless of what that something was. And yet I never do. I bury myself inside my computer, inside a journal, a notebook. I bury myself in work. Never the easy choice, a mind-numbing agent. I don't understand why.
And yet, still I don't sleep. Because when I finally pass out? It's you I dream of. Your face I see, and your arms that I feel. And it hurts, and it damages me. And it makes me avoid sleep, because it isn't worth the pain. I'd rather deal with it awake, than fight it when I'm vulnerable.
When will it stop hurting?
Wonderwall
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how
Because baby
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
And all the roads that lead you there winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how
I said maybe, your the one
that saves me?
And after all - you're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
And after an
You're my wonderwall
Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
Because you're my wonderwall
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how
Because baby
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
And all the roads that lead you there winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how
I said maybe, your the one
that saves me?
And after all - you're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
And after an
You're my wonderwall
Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
Because you're my wonderwall
Happy Fourth of July
To everybody, Happy Fourth of July. It's Independence Day.
I paid my rent. I paid my bills. I'm living in my apartment, and I'm finally self-sufficient. And I'm alone. And it's alright.
And while I've been stressed out enough to have brought on a lupus flare, and things are not as smooth as I might like? I'm going to be okay. I've refused to accept a lot of things anymore, from anyone. I'm not going to be putting up with things anymore that I've tolerated for so long. I don't need to anymore. I have no *reason* to allow myself to be walked on, to accommodate other people anymore.
I tried being accommodating. I tried to help, and be nice, and be friendly. And it got me screwed over, and hurt, and so filled up with anger that it made me sick. Physically sick, not just emotionally twisted up.
I'm through with it. Some things I'm still trying to salvage. Some things I've just let go. A lot of things have changed.
So, happy fourth of July, and I hope everybody has a good one. Me? I'll be working, because it's a weekend, and that's when there's the most work for me.
Monday and Tuesday, I have stuff I'm doing off and on all day as well. I *might* have a little bit of spare time on Wednesday. Thursday I'm pretty sure I might actually be free, and Friday starts another weekend, which kicks off work again.
Amazing.
I paid my rent. I paid my bills. I'm living in my apartment, and I'm finally self-sufficient. And I'm alone. And it's alright.
And while I've been stressed out enough to have brought on a lupus flare, and things are not as smooth as I might like? I'm going to be okay. I've refused to accept a lot of things anymore, from anyone. I'm not going to be putting up with things anymore that I've tolerated for so long. I don't need to anymore. I have no *reason* to allow myself to be walked on, to accommodate other people anymore.
I tried being accommodating. I tried to help, and be nice, and be friendly. And it got me screwed over, and hurt, and so filled up with anger that it made me sick. Physically sick, not just emotionally twisted up.
I'm through with it. Some things I'm still trying to salvage. Some things I've just let go. A lot of things have changed.
So, happy fourth of July, and I hope everybody has a good one. Me? I'll be working, because it's a weekend, and that's when there's the most work for me.
Monday and Tuesday, I have stuff I'm doing off and on all day as well. I *might* have a little bit of spare time on Wednesday. Thursday I'm pretty sure I might actually be free, and Friday starts another weekend, which kicks off work again.
Amazing.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Today
Is the first day, of the rest of my life. And I'm finished now, trying to fight a battle that will never be won. Tired of waiting for a promise to never be kept. And tired of being treated with no courtesy or respect for my feelings, when everyone else matters except me.
Actions speak volumes, and I've tried every way I can think of to make myself heard, and no one listens.
I was a friend when it was needed, and cast aside when it was convenient, and it has been expected of me to take any amount of unreasonable and unfair action against me, and just roll with it, for far too long. And I've given up now. You've made your choices, and gone your own way, and I'll now go mine. And we'll live our lives, and that's fine.
I'll never say that I don't love you, that I won't miss you, or that I hate you. I'll never say that I wanted to walk away and close the door on something I valued. But I also won't be treated as something to be put into a box, and treated as worthless and inconvenient, or treated like leprosy when I've done nothing wrong, and had my character and name slandered and abused without a word or voice raised in protest or defense.
No friend of mine would stand silent while such things were said. No one who claimed to care about me would sit silently and ignore the obvious untruths about me, and let it all ride. And they certainly wouldn't have allowed such things to go on and on and on. And I can't take anymore. It's been too long, and I've had too much recently to keep allowing this. I simply don't have any more that I can take.
I needed one person to defend me, and to still be what I believed in. Just one. And while I can accept that that isn't going to happen, and move past it? I can't continually sit here, and have my heart broken, and be disappointed and let down, and be expected to accept it. I have a limit to what I can take before I break entirely, and there's just nothing left inside of me. Nobody seems to grasp that concept, that I have a limit to the abuse and mistreatment I can take, before it will overwhelm me, and I will simply have a complete breakdown. You assume that I will be able to juggle everything, and it will all be fine.
But I can't. I have no alternate support to fall back on. That's gone. I have myself, and that is slowly crumbling by the constant barrage of expectations that I should never have had to deal with in the first place. I'm strong enough to stand up, and move on, if I walk away.
I'm not strong enough to watch you walk away. That's been done once recently. I can't have it done twice. And in spite of all your protestations, we both know that you're going to do just that when it comes right down to it. And I'm not going to be the one abandoned now. So I'll take my leave now, quietly, and without fanfare. I'll pick up the pieces of my life and try to rebuild it into something I can make on my own.
And the hardest thing I've ever had to do is realize that this time when I walk away, it's me going, because it means that I won't come back. And I won't be watching for you when you come looking later. I won't allow myself to be the person that's good enough for you to care about if there's nobody you love more nearby. I won't sit here, and be worthwhile in your life as long as there isn't someone dictating to you what they need more than what I might need.
Lover or not, friend or not, I should have mattered more than that. Loyalty and friendship should have mattered more than that. Because I didn't do anything wrong, and I've been treated as though I did. I deserved some loyalty and respect, the same loyalty and respect that I showed to you, have always shown to you.
There's nothing I wouldn't have done. I've always been willing to defend you, been willing to stand up for you, and welcome you, and help you. Every time. A courtesy I am apparently simply not worth, in anyone's eyes. And that isn't fair, and it isn't right, and now?
I'm simply finished now. There's nothing left.
While my head and my heart are completely conflicted, and my heart sits crying and saying all I want is to be happy and be held close and be loved. My head knows that it's time to walk away, and let it all go. And move on. And let it be over now.
Actions speak volumes, and I've tried every way I can think of to make myself heard, and no one listens.
I was a friend when it was needed, and cast aside when it was convenient, and it has been expected of me to take any amount of unreasonable and unfair action against me, and just roll with it, for far too long. And I've given up now. You've made your choices, and gone your own way, and I'll now go mine. And we'll live our lives, and that's fine.
I'll never say that I don't love you, that I won't miss you, or that I hate you. I'll never say that I wanted to walk away and close the door on something I valued. But I also won't be treated as something to be put into a box, and treated as worthless and inconvenient, or treated like leprosy when I've done nothing wrong, and had my character and name slandered and abused without a word or voice raised in protest or defense.
No friend of mine would stand silent while such things were said. No one who claimed to care about me would sit silently and ignore the obvious untruths about me, and let it all ride. And they certainly wouldn't have allowed such things to go on and on and on. And I can't take anymore. It's been too long, and I've had too much recently to keep allowing this. I simply don't have any more that I can take.
I needed one person to defend me, and to still be what I believed in. Just one. And while I can accept that that isn't going to happen, and move past it? I can't continually sit here, and have my heart broken, and be disappointed and let down, and be expected to accept it. I have a limit to what I can take before I break entirely, and there's just nothing left inside of me. Nobody seems to grasp that concept, that I have a limit to the abuse and mistreatment I can take, before it will overwhelm me, and I will simply have a complete breakdown. You assume that I will be able to juggle everything, and it will all be fine.
But I can't. I have no alternate support to fall back on. That's gone. I have myself, and that is slowly crumbling by the constant barrage of expectations that I should never have had to deal with in the first place. I'm strong enough to stand up, and move on, if I walk away.
I'm not strong enough to watch you walk away. That's been done once recently. I can't have it done twice. And in spite of all your protestations, we both know that you're going to do just that when it comes right down to it. And I'm not going to be the one abandoned now. So I'll take my leave now, quietly, and without fanfare. I'll pick up the pieces of my life and try to rebuild it into something I can make on my own.
And the hardest thing I've ever had to do is realize that this time when I walk away, it's me going, because it means that I won't come back. And I won't be watching for you when you come looking later. I won't allow myself to be the person that's good enough for you to care about if there's nobody you love more nearby. I won't sit here, and be worthwhile in your life as long as there isn't someone dictating to you what they need more than what I might need.
Lover or not, friend or not, I should have mattered more than that. Loyalty and friendship should have mattered more than that. Because I didn't do anything wrong, and I've been treated as though I did. I deserved some loyalty and respect, the same loyalty and respect that I showed to you, have always shown to you.
There's nothing I wouldn't have done. I've always been willing to defend you, been willing to stand up for you, and welcome you, and help you. Every time. A courtesy I am apparently simply not worth, in anyone's eyes. And that isn't fair, and it isn't right, and now?
I'm simply finished now. There's nothing left.
While my head and my heart are completely conflicted, and my heart sits crying and saying all I want is to be happy and be held close and be loved. My head knows that it's time to walk away, and let it all go. And move on. And let it be over now.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
You'll think of me...
I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me
I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me
Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life
So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me
So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah
And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday
Keith Urban - You'll think of me
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me
I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me
Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life
So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me
So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah
And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday
Keith Urban - You'll think of me
Read it and weep :(
Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images
No
Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
--A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover
***
Oooh, jealousy
Oooh, jealousy
Is she fine
So well bred
The perfect girl
A social deb
Is she the sort
You've always thought
Could make
Could make you
What you're not?
Oooh, jealousy
Oooh, my jealousy
Is she smart
So well read a
Are there novels by her bed
Is she the sort
That you've always said
Could satisfy your head?
Oooh, jealousy
Oooh, my jealousy
Does she talk
The way I do
Is her voice
Is her voice reminding you
Of the promises
The little white lies too
Sometimes, tell me
While she's touching you
Just by mistake
Accidentally do you say my name?
Natalie Merchant - Jealousy
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images
No
Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
--A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover
***
Oooh, jealousy
Oooh, jealousy
Is she fine
So well bred
The perfect girl
A social deb
Is she the sort
You've always thought
Could make
Could make you
What you're not?
Oooh, jealousy
Oooh, my jealousy
Is she smart
So well read a
Are there novels by her bed
Is she the sort
That you've always said
Could satisfy your head?
Oooh, jealousy
Oooh, my jealousy
Does she talk
The way I do
Is her voice
Is her voice reminding you
Of the promises
The little white lies too
Sometimes, tell me
While she's touching you
Just by mistake
Accidentally do you say my name?
Natalie Merchant - Jealousy
Horoscopes oh my!
July 2:
Horoscope: July 2
July 2, 2008
Aries (March 21-April 19): Getting along with your loved ones in perfect harmony feels fantastic. But not getting along is good for you too. Your differences are lessons in opening your heart.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You're noticing what motivates other people and using it as leverage to get them to behave as you prefer. Now, if you can do that for yourself, you'll rule your world. Use what you see in others as a clue to your own psyche.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): You're full of warmth and charisma. So how will you radiate this in the conservative settings you'll be visiting today? Probably quietly, and everyone feels it anyway.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): You're finding it easier to be centered in your relationships with others, likely because your internal sense of balance is stronger. All that quiet contemplation is paying off.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Your sign is not known for being cautious or meticulous. However, that all changes when you realize that you are dealing with a one-of-a-kind, rare and precious commodity.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It doesn't take much to get you in touch with life's pleasures: a ripe strawberry, the color of the sky, the sound of life around you coming together like the best music ever composed.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): You're hoping it will be a quick fix. If the first answer you hear doesn't satisfy you, don't hesitate to get another and another. Persistence is rewarding.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Get back in touch with someone or something that played a special role in your development. Whether it's piano lessons or an ex-love, there's still valuable learning to be had.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A competitive relationship takes center stage. You're quick on your feet. By the end of this whole deal you'll have sharpened each another.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): All your plans may go out the window, only because new opportunities are so much better than anything you expected. Being flexible is the way to fabulous luck.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Sometimes you know what you want, so you take a step. And other times, like now, you take a step for no good reason at all and then discover what you want.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): It's hard enough to be impartial about things you don't care about, but when it comes to people you love, forget it. You're 100% biased with a mouth full of opinions and they wouldn't want it any other way.
Horoscope: July 2
July 2, 2008
Aries (March 21-April 19): Getting along with your loved ones in perfect harmony feels fantastic. But not getting along is good for you too. Your differences are lessons in opening your heart.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You're noticing what motivates other people and using it as leverage to get them to behave as you prefer. Now, if you can do that for yourself, you'll rule your world. Use what you see in others as a clue to your own psyche.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): You're full of warmth and charisma. So how will you radiate this in the conservative settings you'll be visiting today? Probably quietly, and everyone feels it anyway.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): You're finding it easier to be centered in your relationships with others, likely because your internal sense of balance is stronger. All that quiet contemplation is paying off.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Your sign is not known for being cautious or meticulous. However, that all changes when you realize that you are dealing with a one-of-a-kind, rare and precious commodity.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It doesn't take much to get you in touch with life's pleasures: a ripe strawberry, the color of the sky, the sound of life around you coming together like the best music ever composed.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): You're hoping it will be a quick fix. If the first answer you hear doesn't satisfy you, don't hesitate to get another and another. Persistence is rewarding.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Get back in touch with someone or something that played a special role in your development. Whether it's piano lessons or an ex-love, there's still valuable learning to be had.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A competitive relationship takes center stage. You're quick on your feet. By the end of this whole deal you'll have sharpened each another.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): All your plans may go out the window, only because new opportunities are so much better than anything you expected. Being flexible is the way to fabulous luck.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Sometimes you know what you want, so you take a step. And other times, like now, you take a step for no good reason at all and then discover what you want.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): It's hard enough to be impartial about things you don't care about, but when it comes to people you love, forget it. You're 100% biased with a mouth full of opinions and they wouldn't want it any other way.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Sick, twisted, ironic horoscopes
Tuesday, July 1
Cancer:
Someone expects more than is humanly possible, and fails to allow for human frailty. You are in a learning phase right now and it may be a great benefit to you. Advance your skills, as well as your knowledge. Do not put off an important discussion with someone significant.
Conditions should be rather calm now, with a steadying influence that holds the promise of long-range benefits. Benefits will not vanish after this trend has passed, but will continue to produce permanent advantages. At this time you have the ability to work in seclusion on hard and difficult tasks.
You may be having some dark and secret thoughts today and sensitive areas of your mind may intrude and appear obsessive. You could even be suspicious of someone. You can see things from a broader perspective than usual at this time if you take a moment to not react to initial judgments, and you better appreciate how your personal activities, interests, and goals fit into the needs of a personal relationship.
July 2
Cancer:
Reconciling opposing feelings and emotional polarities is especially important for you now. Today is best utilized for working towards a goal rather than creating or finishing one. Do not start anything new until you have completed your current projects. Letting go of your own agenda may give you the freedom you seek.
You could be so attached to certain emotions, memories, or relationships from your past that they could cause a problem in your present relationships. Your emotions will be intense but not very stable today which could lead to difficulties and undesired changes in your current associations and romantic relationships.
Conversations with your partner are critical now. This is a time for you to really listen and learn from others. If there is some matter you are concerned with, now is an excellent time to consult a professional or even a good friend that can give helpful feedback. You need other peoples' ideas and opinions now, don't be afraid to ask for them.
Cancer:
Someone expects more than is humanly possible, and fails to allow for human frailty. You are in a learning phase right now and it may be a great benefit to you. Advance your skills, as well as your knowledge. Do not put off an important discussion with someone significant.
Conditions should be rather calm now, with a steadying influence that holds the promise of long-range benefits. Benefits will not vanish after this trend has passed, but will continue to produce permanent advantages. At this time you have the ability to work in seclusion on hard and difficult tasks.
You may be having some dark and secret thoughts today and sensitive areas of your mind may intrude and appear obsessive. You could even be suspicious of someone. You can see things from a broader perspective than usual at this time if you take a moment to not react to initial judgments, and you better appreciate how your personal activities, interests, and goals fit into the needs of a personal relationship.
July 2
Cancer:
Reconciling opposing feelings and emotional polarities is especially important for you now. Today is best utilized for working towards a goal rather than creating or finishing one. Do not start anything new until you have completed your current projects. Letting go of your own agenda may give you the freedom you seek.
You could be so attached to certain emotions, memories, or relationships from your past that they could cause a problem in your present relationships. Your emotions will be intense but not very stable today which could lead to difficulties and undesired changes in your current associations and romantic relationships.
Conversations with your partner are critical now. This is a time for you to really listen and learn from others. If there is some matter you are concerned with, now is an excellent time to consult a professional or even a good friend that can give helpful feedback. You need other peoples' ideas and opinions now, don't be afraid to ask for them.
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