Secret word of the week

This week's post is brought to you by a fantabulous guest blogger.

Me.

Just One Man Speaking.

I hereby decree that this week's word shall be...

Sardoodledom.

Thats right. You heard it here first.

Goodbye PNATWYMHH readers. I hope you had as much fun reading this post as I had writing it. Which is to say none at all. I don't particularly like any of you. Especially you, the goofy looking one in the back. I'll be keeping my eye on you. Anyway, goodbye again goobers, and always remember:

"Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur."

Open blog to the masses:

I got home on, um. Friday? No, wait. I got home Thursday night. And I didn't call anyone, and I didn't log onto the internets, because I was exhausted and sore and didn't feel altogether great, so when I got home, the only people I talked to were still in Nevada, letting them know that Tanya and I got into town, were safe, and then I got to my apartment, and shut down my phone. I saw my roommate for approximately 30 seconds, long enough to wave at her, and go into my bedroom. And no one outside of that room saw me for the next eighteen hours. Because I didn't feel good, because I hurt, and because honestly, I had been gone for days, and all I wanted to do was sleep, and lay in bed. So that's what I did. I didn't answer the phone. I didn't log onto the web. I didn't even check my email. I did nothing. I took pain pills, and I stayed in bed.

I guess I missed a lot of things during the not-answering-my-phone-and-myspacing.

Imagine that. I didn't feel a need to call everyone in creation, or check Myspace, or Facebook, or blogspot. I guess I thought the world could revolve without me for a few days, and that everything would be fine.

During my absence, I've apparently lost a couple of friends, because if I'm not available 24/7, then we're obviously not friends. Sucks to be me, huh? And I want to sit here, and try to muster up the energy to cry, but I just can't. These same people tend to ignore me for healthy amounts of time when they have other things going on, and I don't generally think much of it. I guess I always operate under the assumption that they have lives and things going on that are of a higher importance than a daily phone call to me would be, and that the world won't stop revolving if they don't check in with me. The same courtesy does not apply both ways, it would seem.

Joy, Mona and Danny saved Christmas for my friend 'Chelle, because she had some serious health and financial issues all at once, and she has two sons who wouldn't have had a Christmas, and I found that unacceptable. But because Danny and I split up recently, I don't have the normal financial resources that I used to have. So my friends pulled together, and put Christmas into play for the boys. Which was awesome of them, and I was very proud of them.

But a few days ago, I guess Joy suddenly started feeling as though she wanted kudos for her part in the Christmas deal. I got a slew of calls and text messages wanting to know why it was that 'Chelle wasn't gushing thanks all over her, or something along those lines. Now, I very much passed along thanks to Joy about the Christmas saving, and whatnot. I haven't been answering my phone, as I posted above. I haven't really been talking to anyone except Phillip in days, because honestly I'm a horrible horrible person, and I was out of town and I missed him and I wanted to spend time with him. Sue me. At any rate. The last of the text messages and phone calls that she left whining about feeling taken advantage about Christmas and how I never return her calls and basically just whining in general ended with how she feels used for spending the money that got spent, and she guesses she just isn't allowed to hang out with me anymore. When that last message came through this morning, I just kind of rolled my eyes, and decided to not say anything at all. I'm tired of it the BS. By the time I had decided to start returning calls after pulling out of my hibernation period, I'd been written off, and now I'm at the point of simply not giving a shit.

And then I opened up my chat program.

And there was a message on my chat program that said something odd, about how 'Chelle was feeling as though she was unloved or some such shit because of being not ranked high enough on my Myspace top 8? And she'd been dropped on Phil's top 8. Um. OK? So I went and looked around to see what the fuss was about. And people just kept getting pissier and pissier. And at the end of the day, my decision was to simply drop my top list on Myspace to 4, leave my boyfriend, and put my relatives as the other three. And at this point, I'm about to make four bogus accounts, make them all ME, and put up all four, and just be self-centered. I don't know why all the piss-fest. I'm not sure I even care. But it had nothing to do with me, and everybody is being snotty. The fact is that wherever she was on my top 8 is where she'd *been* on the top 8 for weeks. I hadn't changed it in a good long while. So now I'm just tired of the bitching.

To be perfectly honest, I don't much want to fight with anyone. I simply want to be happy. I am finally happy with Phillip. He and I are happy together. And all of the people around me who are bickering amongst themselves, and have a problem with the idea of him and I are making me tired.

I have waited ten years for this chance. I won't give him up. I'm sorry if my friends can't understand that. I'm sorry if it's going to cause dissension in the ranks. Sorry if they're feeling neglected and ignored and angry. But I'm not going to put him aside for them. I'm not going to put him aside for anyone.

A while ago during a conversation I said to someone that second to my daughter, he is the most important thing in the world to me. And that's true. It pissed her off, and I felt bad about that. But the easy simple truth for me is that I was given something precious, and I will hold it with both hands, and treasure it. I learned a hard lesson, and will value it accordingly. Words have value. And treating someone with the respect they deserve means something.

I will continue to treat people the way I would want to be treated, whether they treat me that way or not. And I will continue to be happy with Phillip, because I have that opportunity.

Everyone who doesn't wish us well can go their own way. I'm sorry for that, but if that's the way it has to be, so be it.

Merry Christmas from Nevada

Which is where I am right now, because that's where my kid is. I got lucky, and a friend of mine's father lives about a half hour from my parents, and she was heading up to see her dad, and I caught a ride, so I got to spend Christmas here.

I miss Phillip, though. A lot. It's good to be here, but I miss home, and him.

It's actually been good. I don't like holidays in general, but this one has been good. I made some custom ringtones for my little brother and my mom. Watched my little cousins and my kid and everyone open presents. Saw my family. It's been a good day.

But I'll still be happy to go home. I'm never going to be warm and fuzzy about holidays. It's just not me. It's nice, and even kind of peaceful. I'm writing this with my daughter and my little cousin sitting on the floor next to me, and they're playing together while I type. And that's nice. But this isn't my home, and this isn't my life, not really.

I'm an outsider. A visitor. And I don't know. Maybe if I lived here, and was here all the time, it would feel normal? But because I don't, and I'm not, I'm a guest. Weird.

Anyhow. Merry Christmas to everyone. Happy Yule. Happy Holidays. Be well, and happy, and I hope everyone had a good day.

Secret word of the week

New word of the week is:

Backlog

Take it any way you want.

Love, Crystal.

Being alone

Or rather, living alone. I was thinking about it, yesterday. When I finally move to Nevada, which will happen eventually, although I'm not sure when. It's mostly a matter of paperwork at this point. My Dad will be helping me with that. Except for the month and a half or so before I had my daughter, I've never really lived completely alone. I mean, yes, I lived alone with my daughter. But completely alone, just me. Not really. I always lived with someone. Monkey, or a roommate, or a boyfriend. Always someone. Never just *me*. So when I finally go to Nevada, and get my own place...it will be just me. And that's kind of a daunting idea. Not an unpleasant one, just...strange. It's odd to think of myself as a thirty year old woman who has never really lived completely on my own.

I'm trying to decide where in Nevada I want to be based. I know for certain that I don't want to be in Reno. It's not my style. Nor do I want to be precisely where my parents are. That's a little too remote for me. I guess I need to sit down with my parents and scout out what's available to me, and what my options are. I need to talk to some people and go around and see precisely what will and won't work. Because I know myself well enough to know that I don't want to be completely isolated. But neither do I want to live in a bustling city. There has to be some sort of middle ground. I wish I was more familiar with the area. Dad will know. Perhaps I should call them. In fact, I think I will call them. I'm already a pain in their asses, a little more certainly isn't likely to hurt much.

I'm feeling a little out of sorts, with the holidays and 'Chelle ill, and things so awkward in my life. I'm off center, and I don't know how to handle that. It's unlike me to not know how to handle things. My normal way of handling this is to simply bolt. And I know this is not an option now. Neither is giving orders. I've definitely met my match, as giving orders now doesn't work in these circumstances. He basically tells me to shove it. And I can't particularly argue, because he's generally right. I'm not used to someone who can stand up to me. I'm not used to having someone who is so evenly matched with me. In every way. It's a very peculiar feeling.

When life isn't fair

My best friend had a heart attack. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I can't help. I can't make it better. There is abso-fucking-lutely nothing I can do. I am powerless in the face of this kind of horror. It's a week before Christmas, and her children are terrified. My godsons are scared to death, even though they don't know precisely what's going on. The hospital can't release her, because they aren't altogether certain why she had the attack in the first place, which means there isn't a concrete way to prevent it. They aren't certain what's damaged. The doctors are basically unsure of, well, anything. Fucking yay.

And I'm angry, and afraid and...what? Disturbed. And frustrated. Because I don't like the feeling of being so powerless to not be able to help. Yes, everyone pulled together to put Christmas together for the boys. Because that's what we do, when it needs to be done, and that's handled. And the things that needed to be handled have been handled. The basic day-to-day details are in good shape. But that doesn't change the fact that she's sitting in a hospital room, and for the most part I can't even really go and visit.

Stupid lack of an immune system. With everyone in creation in a hospital carrying germs, I more or less have to stay clear, because I can't risk going and picking up an infection of any sort that will make me sick. So I'm basically completely useless. Yes, I risked it when she called from the ER, because I couldn't not go. But now that she's been admitted, it would be great folly indeed to just hang about in a hospital and I know better. Especially right on the heels of my own physician having told me to steer clear of large crowds and places where I know there will be germs.

And it sucks. And I don't like it. And I don't know what to do.

Hmmm

Just random blogging tonight, from me. I just watched a movie that I rather enjoyed, called "In The Land Of Women". It came out in 2006, although I don't remember hearing anything about it in theaters during that year, so chances are it wasn't very big, or it was independent, so it didn't make much noise. But I enjoyed it. You can check out the synopsis on IMDB if you're interested in seeing what it's all aboot and whatnot.

I love my Netflix account, because it enables me to watch stuff like that, without having to be buying films left and right and blowing a lot of cash I don't have.

I'm rather happy right now. I enjoyed my day today. I cleaned my room, and reorganized a bookcase, to make some space for candles, and to fit some other things on those shelves. I've done some laundry. Ate some Chinese food. Watched the movie. Just basically had a calm day. I'm listening to MP3's right now, through headphones. I have my cat curled up right here next to me, and we're just chilling out. It's very peaceful.

My dad is home from his back surgery. It went very well, and that makes me happy. I was worried, because I know he had problems coming out of the last surgery. I don't like hospitals, and I like them even less when they tell me they're keeping my dad. So I'm glad he's home and safe. Christmas is coming up, and I wanted him home and safe. I feel better now that I know he's home.

I'm torn, right now. I'm somewhere in between restless and content. I'm restless because I want to be with my Monkey for Christmas, and I know I'm not going to, because it's too far for me to make the haul over the mountain passes, and it's too expensive to make the trek, and with a slight headcold I know better, because it turns into pneumonia *every single time*. But I still am restless because it's the holidays and I want my baby. But I'm content, because I know that I'll be with someone I love for Christmas too. It's just kind of conflicting for me. It's very hard, to have to try and make peace with it. Next year will be easier, because I will be nearby, and when I want to watch her open presents, I will be right there. I will like that. I don't like being so far away. It's strange, the idea of wanting to be near my family, because I've not felt a pull to be close to family before. It's a strange feeling for me.

I was talking to my Mom about this, the other day. I can still remember vividly the shocking feeling of asking someone how to get home when I was lost when they first moved to where they live now. And having this complete stranger look at me and say "Oh, you're Jack's daughter. Hi there." And then point me toward home. Because being his daughter is a good thing. And the feeling of being accepted immediately because he is so very well loved there, and that just peaceful feeling of belonging to him...god that felt good. "My Daddy loves me". Because I always knew that. And my Dad loves me just as much. And I know that, unquestioningly. Just like I always knew Daddy loved me. But going to a place where somebody looked at me, and said "Oh, you're his daughter". Because I never had that. Not ever. And I want to go and live somewhere like that. And have him close by, where I can drop by and see him, whenever I want. I do want that.

And I'm babbling. So I'll shut up now. Stupid holidays. This is lame. Sentiment looks all sappy and weird on me. Blarg. I'm going to go find ice cream now, and watch the most horrible movie or television show I can think of, that has absolutely no sentiment involved in it. Because this is lame. Damn the holidays!

G'nite internets.

Secret word of the week

Good morning, internets. It's a lovely Sunday morning, and it's that time again. Sunday morning word of the week. I haven't picked out the word for the week yet, so I'll be perusing through my various sites until I see something that strikes my fancy, and then I'll be hopping back here to post it.

This week's word of the week is:

halcyon


As in...

These are the halcyon days we missed...and I am enjoying them...

Happy Christmas (war is over)

It's a song title, actually. I downloaded it today. It's one of the very few Christmas songs that I really really like. And I had the lyrics running through my head today, and so I wanted to listen to the song. It's playing right now, in the background while I write this blog. The song is by John Lennon, for those of you who are unfamiliar with it.

This year has been chaotic for me. I have felt as though nothing would ever be alright again. I don't even know which end is up half the time anymore. Every time I turned around, I was crying, or screaming, or just spinning around like a top.

I changed my entire life around, because I was unhappy. I needed to change things. And change is frightening. And I'm still terrified. I have hurt people I love. I have wounded people. I have angered people. I have made bad decisions. I have made mistakes and I'll probably still make mistakes.

I can't help any of those things. I'm human. But in the end, I did the right thing, for the right reasons.

I woke up this morning, and I was happy. I am happy. I will do everything in my power to not screw this up this time. I want this more than anything. I don't want to run away, and I don't want to hide.

All I want is to love you. I want to feel loved and safe and happy. I meant what I said. Second to Dana, you're the most important thing in the world to me. And I'm happy.

Happy Holidays, internets.

Behind these eyes

Are a thousand thoughts, a constant stream of fluctuating feelings. And one dream.

Hold me. Brush the hair off my face, and tell me that it's still all right, and that I'm still safe.

I'm still torn and broken. Let me heal.

Secret word of the week

Today is Sunday and this week's word of the week is:

Pre-sequitur.

Have a nice day, boys and girls.

Sadness

God, I don't want to cry anymore. I'm sick of it. It's so pathetic and stupid. I feel like a pathetic sad loser. This is the stupid shit that *girls* do. He doesn't want me, fine. Great. Suck it up. Get over it. He's obviously going to do whatever he's going to do, because he isn't listening to me. He isn't listening to anyone but her. My guess would be that he won't sit down and talk to anyone at all about this anyhow. If he tried talking to anyone except me about it, he might get told that it's a bad idea, and then he'd have to deal with the idea that more people than me would advise him of that, and taking advice isn't his strong suit.

Maybe I'm just being bitter. Maybe I've earned the right to be bitter? Who knows. I don't understand anything anymore. Why the fuck anyone would deliberately go looking for something else when they're perfectly happy with what they had makes no sense to me.

I have never felt anything close to how he makes me feel. I have never felt as desired by anyone in my life. I don't know how he can look at me that way, can hold me that way...and then tell me he loves someone else. The emotional bond is there. The trust is there. The connection is there. We laugh. We talk. All of the things that would ordinarily make for good compatibility are there. There is no denying just how easily we fall into each other, and how well we fit together. You had trouble keeping your hands off of me...and then, suddenly, you love her? You can't handle this, and you ran to her. And now I'm lost. And I hurt. And I'm left behind.

You say you want to keep me close. You won't leave me behind. Things will stay the same. You don't want to lose me, that I'm too important to you to risk losing. That in the last few months I've become too important to risk losing. You were so worried about that.

And not even two days have passed, and you won't even talk to me. And here I sit, alone. Once again, alone. I tried to tell you that she wouldn't allow it, that she couldn't handle the idea of you being close to me. No one ever can. And I always get left behind.

I'm always the woman who is good enough to play games with for sex...but I'm never the woman who's worth loving enough to stay with. And I'm always the woman who gets left behind, because no one is willing to fight for me.

So I'll cry. And when the tears dry, I'll have my memories this time. And I'll love you, because I can't do anything else but that. And you'll either remember or forget, because that's up to you. Everything always was. And I don't believe anymore that you don't love me. I think you're afraid of it. And that's okay. I hurt you. I didn't deserve you. I don't deserve you. But I love you. I love you more than she can, or will. And I understand you in a way I don't think she can.

You tell me you've forgiven me for the past. They say that time heals everything, and if that's true, then someday maybe you'll look around, and realize that the past is gone, and the person I am now is worth your time. And there's nothing for you to fear. You didn't give me the same chance that you're so willing to give her, and she was and is disloyal and wronged you badly. And that seems unfair to me. I'm sorry that that seems harsh to you. You can look at me, and make love with me, and hold me, and wake with me. But you won't give me the same chance you'll give her. And that hurts. That alone is the one thing you've done that's injured me. You'd give her a chance you refuse to give me.

My tears will stop. The pain will ease. But I miss you. And I'm sorry that you're gone, because this isn't what I wanted. I didn't want you to go. Even if the 'escapades' ended, I didn't want to lose you.

Goodbye my friend/lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let them frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the mother of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.


Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.


--not written by me--
--author unknown--

Circles

Maybe I'm simply destined to have this ache forever. Perhaps I should just learn to live with it, and move from there. I want to hold you. I want to make everything all right for you, and make the pain stop. Because I know that I can. Because I know that you can be happy.

I want to understand you. I want to be a part of you, the way that you're a part of me. And I don't believe that she's going to make you happy. But I'll step back, and step away, and wait. I'll even attempt to keep my comments to myself, because it isn't fair to you to keep running my mouth. This isn't high school, and we're all adults. And you've made your choice.

And I'll be all right. As long as you can maintain without the weirdness, I can keep the facade in place. And that's what I need from you, right now. I need to maintain. Without that, I'll bolt, because I don't know what else to do. And I don't want to do that. I have to trust what you're telling me, because I can't do anything else. But I am extremely skittish about trusting anyone at their word.

You haven't lied to me. I respect that. Even while it's hurting me, you haven't lied. Please honor that request I made, and I should be okay.

I hope.

Nevada

So I'm thinking about it. Nevada. There really isn't anything holding me in Fresno anymore. For a long time, Danny held me here, because his job is here. So I'm thinking about Nevada now, because the reasons I had before are no longer valid. I won't be going in a hurry, because such things take time, and it's somewhat complicated, the uprooting of a life and moving out of state, and I've been here a long time now. But I suspect that it will happen. My daughter is there, and my parents. Family. And the things that are still here, the things I love that are still here in Fresno...well, I can't stay here for them. I just can't.

The truth is that I hate this stupid town. I've hated it a long time. I've wanted to leave for so long that it's just become a constant ache that I ignore now. And there honestly isn't a good reason anymore to stay.

It's time, now, to start the process of putting things into motion. A slow process, to be sure. But a process nonetheless. I wish I could take the people I love with me, but that won't be possible.

Horoscopes for the day?

These are horoscopes from December 2, 2007:

In one of your newer relationships, things are well on their way toward gaining real momentum. This is a partnership built on mutual respect and a shared sense of what is the right thing to do. It is rare to find a person who brings out the best in you no matter what mood you're in. This is a person you can rely on -- a person you should rely on. You are starting to align yourself with the people who deserve you.

Do not push any of your relationships -- especially the romantic ones -- past their natural dynamic right now. As much as you might be itching for a major change, you cannot force things to go in a certain direction ... if it is meant to happen, it is meant to happen at a certain time. And that time is not today. So right now, just let things take their course. If you do, you will learn an invaluable lesson about patience and giving up some control.

****

Ok, so mind you, I didn't even see these until the *end* of today. Which makes them all the more creepy. Primarily because I don't actually read horoscopes daily. I tend to read them when I'm bored, and they're for entertainment. Weird. And they're not both mine. I actually read a bunch of different ones, for various people I care about. Because I'm strange like that. So yes, anyhow. Really oddball horoscopes for the day.

I'm going to go and curl up under my blankets now, because I'm very creeped out to begin with, because some weird random crashing noise commenced earlier, and Mona and I are both freaked out by it. There are no boys around, and the loud crashing didn't help. It's just one of those days where I'm easily spooked. It sucks.

Secret word of the week

The word of the week is:

"desideratum"

and

"ersatz"

Goodbye to you

The bruises on my skin will fade fast. The bruises on my heart? Not as quickly. But fade they will. And the time approaches when things will change. Because things always change. Semantics aside, I didn't lie. I didn't even try to lie. And I suspect that you chose to forget what I said to you. I asked you for nothing. I still ask for nothing. Nothing more than what we have. I stood in the rain, and I told you the straight, unvarnished truth. I love you. Without boundaries. Without limits, and without complications. And it scared you so much that all you could tell me was that you can't be that man for me. I didn't ask you to be anything for me. I'm still not asking you to be anything.

My heart is whole again. Bruised, to be sure. But no longer broken. The gaping wounds of the past are gone now. The scars will fade now, and the pain of the injuries I've carried for so long can heal. I won't try to say that I don't feel anything. That would be a lie. I will say that what I feel and how I'll handle it are my concern, and that I will be fine. You need not fear for my injury. I'm stronger than that.

I knew what I was getting into. I have no regrets. And when it ends, I'll still have no regrets. Because I'm whole now. Because I have back what I lost, and I can move forward without regrets, and move on. With or without you, I have that now. You gave me that.

You've given me a lot of things. Then. Now. Always. A way to be someone who could love, even though I did it wrong the first time. Someone who could be gentle, and kind and loyal. Someone who was valued for more than what I believed. You gave me a reason to believe in myself, and to trust. I'll still have that.

And in the end...I still have you.

Updates from everything

Dana came into town, to visit, for like an hour last weekend, and because it's been a decade, Phillip came with me to see her. I had my mom take this picture, and so here it is. She's eleven, now. The baby she was, when I knew him, is not the girl she is now. So watching him look at her is kind of interesting for me. She's growing up fast. She'll be a teenager before I can blink, almost. She likes boys now, and she can wrap almost anyone around her little finger when she blinks those big blue eyes at them.

And she knows it. She's a menace to society, that one. Good thing she lives out in the middle of nowhere. Now if only I could figure out a way to construct some kind of force field around the property...(ponder for later contemplation).

Anyhow. Nothing very interesting is going on right now, but I still thought I'd toss up the update. I'll have a new word of the week up tomorrow, as always. I'll probably throw up a new blog later tonight. Right now, I'm going to go in search of my space heater, because I'm freezing cold, and no matter what I do, I seem to be getting more cold instead of less cold. It's kind of annoying.

my heart and thoughts are mine to keep
when i'm awake and while i sleep
nothing you do, nothing you say
will cause me to give those thoughts away
some things are better left unsaid
those things you seek are best left unread
i seek nothing more than what i claim
i ask of you nothing, i feel no shame
i know the risks, i know the rules
i know the game, i'm not a fool
don't try to change me
don't ask me to lie
let me have my fun
then let me say goodbye

Times passed

A few days ago, a few years ago.

Where do I even start? Of course I'm not that girl, that impetuous, irrational, angry girl that I was when I was twenty. How could I be? It's been a decade since that time, and even I mellow to a certain extent with that much time passing. But I don't suppose that it's just that. I was so very young. Not that I thought I was young then. Of course not. I thought I knew everything then. Who doesn't, at that age? I thought I was invincible. I was young and wild and free. It was so recent, the freedom from my parents' house. And I was still so angry. I was angry at everything, it seemed. Not that I ever said that, not out loud. But it was in my actions. I never took anyone's advice, even if I should have. And I would always strike first, to hurt, to harm, to insure that no one could hurt me.

I felt I had been hurt enough. If you were going to leave me, it would be on my terms. If you didn't love me, I didn't care anyhow, so it wouldn't matter. Be my plaything, nothing more. I loved nothing and no one. It was such bullshit. All of it, such a lie. And so few people even knew it. That bravado served me well. Serves me well.

And I'm tired of it. Tired of the pain. Tired of a mask of not showing anything. And it's become my default expression. It isn't even a mask anymore, it simply is who I am. Even when I want to cry, I sometimes can't now. For the tears to come, the pain has to be so completely overwhelming that I can't take anymore, and then it crushes me. And I can't breathe.

Perhaps I do have value. Perhaps my value is in the fact that I survived. That I looked around, and once I got through everything, and I finally managed to stand again, I helped others. Whether I value me for myself, perhaps the value is there just the same. Because after that time when I was twenty, when I was so horrible, and I did so much damage. After I was damaged so badly through my youth. I did come out the other side, and in doing so, I did for others what I had wished someone could have done for me. And I did that for a long, long time.

Even now, I still look around, and I do for others what I would wish would be done for me. I do for small ones what I would automatically wish and hope someone would do for my daughter, if she were in any given situation. At some point, I realized that what I am, and what I became at some point was a person who tends to treat others the way I wish I was treated, even when that isn't necessarily the case.

I can be spiteful sometimes still. But these days, it tends to be more of a thought about being spiteful, rather than an actual action. Something I sit and ponder, not something I *do*. And then I go back to reality. I could be that person again, I suppose. The person who could and did hurt the people around me, because it kept me safe from anyone being able to injure me. But I don't want to. I'd rather deal with the pain myself, than inflict it on anyone else.

I'm stronger than that, now. I don't need to hurt anyone else. Let them hurt themselves. I can deal on my own now.

Secret word of the week

This week's word of the week is "indelible".

Easy Sunday Morning

I started this a post with this title over a week ago, and never finished it. I got sidetracked, and then couldn't get my words to line up in the correct order to suit me, so I just never finished the original thought.

My words are still not entirely cooperating with me. But I figure I might as well make the attempt. And since it's once again Sunday morning, here I am again. It's the wee hours of Sunday, to be sure, but Sunday it most certainly is.

So what's an easy Sunday morning? It's lying in bed, watching a movie with someone you love. Doing the Sunday crossword if you happen to be into that type of thing. Cooking breakfast, or eating bagels. Drinking coffee. Cuddling with the one you care about, or just sitting and reading books together. Playing a video game.

Spending time together, doing whatever makes you happy. Being happy. Easy Sunday morning.

Right now, for me? It means sitting here, with a computer on my lap blogging, watching somebody sleep, because it makes me happy.

It's something different for everyone, I'm sure. And that's okay, because nothing is ever the same for every person. And that's how it should be. We're all different, and our differences make us who we are.

So go out, have your Sunday mornings, and enjoy them. Take time to look around you, and savor the small things. A cup of coffee. Hug somebody you love. Tell a small one that they're important. Play a board game. Spend fifteen minutes coloring in a coloring book with your kids. Whatever it is that will make you happy for a small part of the day. That's it.

That's my bit for the day.

Things to be thankful for

I don't generally bother with this, because the Thanksgiving holiday is not my favorite of holidays. Well, to be fair, I don't much like holidays to begin with. But I'm making an exception this year, because I actually have things to be thankful for this year.

And for that reason, here's my Thanksgiving blog.

This has been a long year for me, with several ups and downs. Danny and I have split up, and it's a permanent split, though we're remaining friends in the end. Seven years is a long time for us to have been together, and ending things is harder than I thought it would be. It's for the best, and I'm glad that we'll still be friends. I love him, but it was the right decision for both of us.

I lost several friends this year, and it hurt me, badly, the loss of them. Losing people I care about hurts me, even if it isn't visible to others. I tend to not let anyone see that pain, because I don't like anyone to see weakness in me.

I am extremely grateful that I have my daughter back and close enough to see as often as I wish, and that she and I are as close as we are. She is the sunshine and light and laughter for me, and I love her. She is the best thing that ever happened to me and for me.

I'm grateful and thankful for my Dad, who I have, finally. My mom finally did it right, and married him. Yay, Mom! All jokes aside, it made me happy, having two parents finally under one roof, and knowing that there's a home somewhere I can go if I need to, no matter what. And he tells me that, all the time. My Dad is the awesome. I love you Dad.

My life probably seems like it's a mass of chaos to the outside observer, and sometimes it really can be, but for the most part, I like my life.

I have some people back in my life right now who I have missed for a very long time, and who have made me happy, and I am content. I am loved, I love, and things are peaceful for me. I have waited a long time for this, to be complete.

And this peace isn't brought by someone else, it starts and finishes with me. The other people in my life add to it, but at the base, it begins and ends with me. I talked to someone about that recently, the fact that my happiness can't be based on someone else, it has to begin with me. I can't base happiness on an external source, it has to begin with being happy with myself first, and I finally am beginning to grasp that concept.

So I'm thankful this year, for what I've learned, and for finally being able to be happy. For being myself. For the people who love me, and for the people I love. I'm grateful for my life, and the people who helped me get here.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I shouldn't love you. I should just make it all stop, cauterize the wound and walk away. I've done it before. It took time, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I did it, and I survived. And it made me strong. Stronger than I would have otherwise been. Strong enough to survive what came after. Strong enough to survive what I needed to be able to get through, and to become who I am now.

And I kind of like who I am now. Dependable, loyal. I'm a good person now, even though I don't always admit to it. And some of those traits are directly related to what I learned from you, from the innocence you shared with me. I learned a lot of things from you. I learned some instinctively, and some I learned by being exposed to you as a type of person I had absolutely no experience with.

You changed me. Being with you changed me. And that's okay, because they were changes I needed. I was always strong. Emotionally strong. I handled everything, because I had to. I still am, at the base, that person. The strong one. But it was tempered, because of what I learned from you. Something inside of me was somewhat gentled, calmed. I don't have to damage others now with my strength. I don't need to be everything for everyone, I just need to be strong enough for me. Strong enough to take care of me, and the people who are important to me.

But while I want you, and while I need you, I know that to love you is dangerous. Love is dangerous for me. Loving you could be dangerous for me. Detrimental? Possibly. I am not like you when I love. Or perhaps it's that I am frightened that I might be like you now. I wasn't like you. I was distanced in my love for people. In my love for you. I was several steps apart. I cared, I loved you, but it was a thing separate. It didn't touch me visibly the way it should have. I was disconnected, and safe behind my walls. I am disconnected much of the time, from the things that affect most people. I stand apart, watching, and observing things around me, without the emotional barrage. How interesting that must be, is generally how I see it.

So here I sit, conflicted and confused. Because I just don't know what the hell I want to be doing anymore. And even when I think I know, it changes with almost every breath. The only time I *know* doesn't even make sense anymore. Because it's a complete clusterfuck of inconsistency. I want you. I need you. I need to hold you. I need to have you hold me. I need to talk to you. See you. Laugh with you. But then I need to have you leave, because I need space to sort through things. And without that space, I feel like I'll go insane, because after a certain amount of time, I just can't breathe anymore. My head is spinning and I'm dizzy with it. I need to push you away. I'm broken and I don't know why.

Secret word of the week

It's Sunday again...the weeks are passing quickly lately for me, or so it seems. And so we're back around to another new word of the week. And this week I need to choose another.

What should the word for this week be?

This week, we shall have:

"Zeitgeist"

Because that seems to be what I feel right now...You can look it up, if it doesn't immediate ring bells for you.

I am not like them

I am myself. No one else. Each person can be no one but themselves, correct? And as such, I can be no one but me. And I am not like them. Do not judge the way I will respond by the way you've been treated. And please don't think that I will do to you as they have done.

I am not them.

I am sad today. There is a vast emptiness inside of me because I feel as though I have failed and should somehow be giving more than I am. Should be supplying something that I'm not. Helping somehow in a way that I'm not, and I do not know how to give or do more than I already am. This is my failing, and I know not how to overcome it. I hold your face in my hands, and I am complete in that moment. But you are not, and I don't know how to help you. I am, briefly, whole again, and it is a feeling I wish you could share. Even for a moment, that feeling of being complete is wonderful.

Would I leave, if things change? No, not for anything. I would fight with everything I have to keep you a part of my life, in any way necessary. You are important to me. It pains me that I never explained that to you. It breaks my heart that I don't have the words for you to make it clear easily. You matter. *YOU* matter. You can take away the other things, and it's you who matters, not the other things. I can live without those things. But I need you in my life. That matters to me, and I would fight to keep you as a part of it. Will fight for it, if it came to that. I won't lose you again.

Secret word of the week

This week's secret word of the week is "ashamed".

The greatest love

I wonder about that. I wonder about a lot of things. What makes someone love? Why do you love someone? Why love, instead of friendship? Why love instead of lust? Why a bond instead of attraction? What's the basis for the differences?

What causes the differences in how people feel? Not that I have the answers, by any stretch of the imagination. I can't even differentiate in the feelings in myself, much less make the distinctions for anybody else. But I've been thinking about it lately.

And I'd mentioned that I wanted to blog about it, so here I am.

I am apathetic about most things, a great deal of the time. I feel loyalty very strongly, but it's not for a great many people. I was talking to an acquaintance of mine last night, and I referenced a friend of mine, who is intensely loyal to me, who I am equally loyal to in return. And he was surprised to hear of this loyalty, because it wasn't something he associated with her. And I can't think of her in any other terms.

I love her, unquestionably. She is loyal to me, without qualm. I wouldn't want to be the poor soul who has the bad sense to badmouth me in her presence. I know I pity the poor idiot who badmouths her in *my* presence. And it's a good feeling. And while I occasionally have sexual feelings for women, there is absolutely no attraction for this female. I love her to pieces. But it's a completely platonic love. Which brings me around to the various types of love, and how to feel them.

I don't quite understand what makes people, and me in particular, tick. Especially where emotions are involved. Because I am so detached so much of the time, it's very odd for me to try and line up feelings, so I can understand how I'm supposed to be feeling at any given moment.

I have discovered recently that I see things in a very black and white fashion, and that a lot of society does not agree with my black and white view. Grey areas don't sit well with me. Hypocrisy does not sit well with me.

I do what I say I am going to do, and I act the way I say I am going to act. I am what I present to the world, and take it or leave it, I am who I claim to be. I am fast coming to the conclusion that this is not the case for the majority of people. And that disappoints me. And it leaves me with a very difficult way of functioning around people who say one thing and do another.

It also leaves me at a loss for being able to trust people who say they love me. It's very hard for me to trust anyone in general. It's becoming harder for me now to trust anyone whose actions and words don't match. And it's nothing personal. It's just that I'm having a lot of trouble recently, adjusting to all the changes that have been takig place, and so I don't quite know how to handle the things that are going on around me. And par for the course, my normal response is to simply step back and watch until things settle around me, and then make a decision.

I'm not in any great rush to make uninformed decisions. I have no pressing need to make changes without knowing all of where things lay, so I can just drift. Too many people are in too great a rush, whereas I am generally content to let things be. When the dust settles, I'll still be here. And then I'll figure out what I want to do.

Wow, that was somewhat off topic. Well, not entirely. Back to how people categorize things.

I have a friend named (censored), who I absolutely love to pieces. He is teh awesome, and I can talk to him and know he understands me. I don't have to think about what I'm saying to him, and I know that no matter what I say, he doesn't judge me, and that he will keep my secrets, and he loves me. I *know* this. And I can flirt with him. And he flirts back. And he is the bestest thing ever. And if I called and needed someone's shoulder to cry on, or somewhere to run to, I could both cry on him, or run to him, and he would be right there. Because he's (censored), and that's what he does, and who he is for me. And yet, there is absolutely no kind of underlying 'bone jumping' urge between the two of us. A long time ago, we were both accused of having that kind of involvement. That was seven years ago. Neither one of us is still involved with the people who accused us of that. And yet the two of us are still extremely good, close friends. Go figure. He also gives teh most bestest of hugs. Yay!

But in spite of all those things, it never occurred to me to try and find a romantic attachment with (censored). That spark just wasn't there. And I don't know why. He's a wonderful man. He's smart, he's attractive, he's well-spoken. He's got all of the qualities I find attractive in a man, and yet. It's just not there.

Which leaves me curious about what it is that causes two people to end up as lovers rather than friends. What is it that makes it so that you can have emotional bonds instead of physical ones? Why can you be with some people and not keep your hands off each other? And others you can have meetings of the mind, but no inclination at all to have grope-fest 2007?

Ahh, I give up. If anybody has any insight here, I'm all ears. Opinions? Advice? Just random babble, please post here!

Never say never

Music is an interesting thing for me. It has associations in my memory, and I never really think about it until something triggers a memory. It isn't always necessarily the words to a song, sometimes it's the background beat. Sometimes it's the words. Sometimes it's something as simple as a snippet of rhythm. It varies depending on my mood. I'm fairly random that way.

I can be listening to something, and place it with "Wow, that was (insert year here)". And that will trigger a memory for me, and with my faulty memory, that can be helpful or painful, depending on what's going on at the time.

I wonder if other people have that same issue? Where music is tied to memory? I see it, sometimes, in the eyes of others. I've been out with friends, driving down the street, and had the radio on. A certain song will come on, and we'll all have been having a good time, and the song will fire up, and one or the other of us will suddenly have a mood swing, because of whatever happens to come on. It's like a light switch because of the associations. I wonder if there are studies of that kind of things.

I'm neurotic that way. Let's study the phenomenon! Tinker with the brains of others, and tell me whether or not there's actual scientific evidence to link memory to music!

Yeah, I'm a nerd.

Secret word of the week

This week we have *two* words of the week, because I just can't make up my mind :)

This week's words of the week are:

Masturbation and fornication.

Carry on children.


Wheee!!!!!!!!

I don't need anything

Or anyone...Wouldn't that be nice? Meh, not true though. I need people sometimes. Everyone does. I don't need many people very often. And even then, I don't like admitting it aloud. I'm just feeling a little off today, and so I'm blogging while I sit in quiet contemplation in my room. The radio is playing in the living room, and I can barely hear it, so it's mostly just background noise. Ezzie is sitting in my windowsill and keeping me company. I love my kitty.

I can't just talk. I can't just sit down and face to face talk to people. I'm not good at that. I want to be. I simply lack those skills. Even with practice, I'm not sure that I'll ever be good at that sort of thing. I was once. I had interpersonal skills, and could easily talk for hours in a one-on-one situation. I lost those skills at some point, and now I'm better off with a computer keyboard. I do better with a screen between myself and others.

This is random, and I apologize to anyone who is reading it and is getting confused here. Just gonna have to bear with me and my confused ramblings.

Catch everybody later.

The first storm of the season

I need the first true storm of the winter season. I crave it. I don't mean the piddly little rains that have been happening, although I'm grateful for those. I mean the first true storm. Lightning, thunder, raging wind. The first fierce storm. I need the sheer release that such a storm will bring me. I need the wild rage of nature around me. All that prevents me from taking off and heading up into the mountains to go where I know that I could find that kind of storm is the fact that it would worry too many people. I fear not even slightly for my own safety, because I know that the storm would soothe something inside of me that's been raging too long.

So I wait. Impatiently, for the first good storm of the season to come down from the mountains, into the valley, and unleash here.

Let the rains fall. Let the winds shriek cacophony around me. Let the heavens flash above and the thunder shake the ground. Let the storm rage, unchecked.

And let my soul be soothed, finally. Let the rage be calmed and let it all go to silence inside of me.

Somehow, someway, there has to be a release from this. And if the best I can get is from the storms, let them come. Let them free me.

I need to be free.

Secret word of the week

Running a little late in the day for this, as I normally post right after midnight, but the secret word of the week is now up. This week's word is "Imzadi".

That's right. Imzadi, for the win. I like the personal connotation that this particular word has, and as I've been having conversations lately that talk about how language changes regularly, I thought this was good.

Thanks to the consensus for the choice of Imzadi.

With a whole heart

On one level, I lived without you, and very well too. I had a good life. Friends and a family and a partner. I had a good life. I did the best I could, with what I had left, once you were gone. I either couldn't, or wouldn't, save myself. But I did the best I could, with what was left of me. And that had to be enough. I had had the all-encompassing blast of love that came with loving one man with everything I had, and it had overpowered me. It was my weakness, and my mistake. Or perhaps the ability to give everything to one man is a strength.

I have never resolved my feelings for you. I had never forgiven, or accepted. I'd simply walled it all off, and forgotten. And I needed to resolve it, with a whole heart, one way or another. Either embrace how I felt, or feel, or let it go, without malice or complication. Either way, I need to resolve those feelings, with a whole heart. Because without that completion, I'll never be free of it. And I'll never be whole. I'll always be vulnerable and broken, as though a piece of me is missing.

You were the one man who ever caused me true emotional pain. Your actions inadvertently dictated how I would live my life and how I would respond to situations for such a very long time that it completely amazes me that I never once put all those associations together into one cohesive form. Never even realized where the starting point was, and assembled the memories to know how it all began.

But you were also the one man who I allowed inside enough to bring pleasure and happiness as well. The one who was allowed to touch me, who I never flinched back from. I never felt the need to hide from you. I trusted you, with everything. Even what I cannot remember, I know I trusted you with. I know it in every touch, every thought, every feeling that passes through me when I look at you. I know it when you pin me down, and I don't feel a need to try and escape. And I know it when I can laugh instead of fear when I'm trapped. Because I know there's no reason to fear.

I know that a misstep can lead to a tumble, and that the fall down a very slippery slope is a long fall indeed. No one knows that better than I do. But I remember well the taste and texture of you. Whatever the risks. Whatever the cost, I needed to *know*. And now I do. There's still heat between us. But wanting you with my body means so very little. Fire is easily lit. Easily extinguished. I don't expect more. But I hope for it. The chance to get to know one another again. The time to get to know each other. We've both changed. Some things stayed the same. Some things changed.

Which leads me to now, today, the foreseeable future. Everything is in a state of flux, and during this time, I need to finally resolve things. My heart is going to need to be whole again, one way or another. It might mean loving you again. It might mean just letting you go, without malice and remembering the good times without the pain. Enjoying what we have, without the pain of what I lost. Being with you makes me feel whole again. It's been a long time since I felt that way, and because of that, it frightens me. And my natural reaction is to block the feelings, because vulnerability is dangerous. I don't think you'll intentionally wound me again. But it's difficult just the same, to simply say whatever it is that I'm feeling, for fear of having it thrown in my face.

Time...time to heal. Time to talk. Time to regroup. Time to resolve with a whole heart.

Double standards

There are a lot of double standards in the world, and I feel like soap-boxing about one of them today, per a conversation I was having a little while ago. It's a pet peeve of mine, because of my body type. I'm fat. I'd try to sugar coat it, but there it is. It isn't that I'm ugly, because I'm not. I'm actually reasonably attractive, all things considered. But I'm not thin. I'm not the societally acceptable "hot" woman. And those women can get away with an awful lot of bullshit that women with my body type cannot with regard to how they behave when they go out to attract a man.

Your standardized hot woman can behave in the most ludicrous of ways when on the prowl. They can and do appear in public wearing clothes that scream "take it all baby". And that actually isn't even my peeve. My biggest complaint is the behavior. The basest of promiscuity. Beyond the basic flirting, they will juggle several men sexually, with no regard for anything, and because of their looks, most men can and do overlook the fact that they're playing the field in bed with several. It's just a given that women who look a certain way are given leeway that women like me aren't granted.

If I were to be sleeping with two men simultaneously, I'd be a slut. Whether or not I was not in a relationship with either of them, I'd be labelled, and neither would want to commit to me. I'd be a dirty little secret, because a: it's difficult for women of my body type to land nice guys in the first place, and b: since I'd given it up, why bother with the likes of me now?

But if you swap out the same situation with a thin, attractive woman, those same two men would most likely be quite willing to commit to that thin woman. They wouldn't *care* that she'd been juggling two men. It would be accepted and irrelevant.

And that seems terribly unfair to me. There would be no nasty names applied. No labels. She'd still be desirable and I'd be insulted, and yet the circumstances would be the same.

Too tired to fight

Tired of fighting. Tired of asking you to be here. Tired of asking you to stay. Tired of crying. Tired of not sleeping. Tired of feeling too much. Tired of not feeling enough.

Tired of being me.

Uneventful

Mostly. I want to say that things are uneventful, and for the most part they are. My back and hip are fairly fucked up at the moment, because I was stubborn and didn't want to wait for someone to help me dismantle my bed so I could remove some of the excessively heavy memory foam from it. So I did it myself, and wounded myself in the process. But it got done, and I feel accomplished for it. Wounded, but accomplished.

I have gone back into non-sleep-mode again, because my brain is on overload and I can't make it shut down enough to rest, and it's making me insane. So instead of sleeping, I keep cleaning. Which is good on the one hand, since with people moving out and moving in simultaneously, the entire apartment is trashed. But on the other hand, I'm exhausted.

I'm actually several steps above exhausted most of the time. Every time I start to catch a nap, I end up jolting awake. Every now and then I drop completely and stay knocked out for several hours, but that's pretty rare. I wish I could figure out a sure-fire way to sleep for an entire night's worth of sleep. I suspect it would be good for me. Alas, I seem to be the screwed on that.

We divided up the DVD collection a couple of days ago, and the TV series discs this afternoon. It went pretty smoothly, all things considered, when you figure the sheer amount of films we had. I ended up with a binder of movies, a binder of TV series shows, and a binder that has music CDs and miscellaneous computer stuff in it.

I'll be babysitting all day tomorrow, because my roommate's daughter doesn't have school, I gather it's some sort of teacher inservice day, and the way daycare works is that you have to sign her up for it like a month in advance, and she was supposed to have a sitter lined up...except she dumped her boyfriend, and he was the sitter. Oops. No biggie, except that I'm trying to figure out what to do with the munchkin for the day tomorrow. Probably going to be a disney movie-fest for the win. Easiest that way.

heart knives...

Her callous unconcern twists a knife in your heart
And you bleed
You fall
And my heart breaks
And I try to catch you
I attempt to patch the pieces
Repairing what I can
Soothing what I cannot
Waiting and watching
You heart is safer here...

There are few things that emphasize a feeling of a worthlessness more than knowing that someone you care about is in pain, and knowing that there is absolutely nothing at all you can do to help them. No words you can offer to relieve the agony. No touch you can proffer to ease the suffering. No amount of solace to ease them.

I am at a loss of vast proportions, and I don't know how to handle it. My instincts fail me, because I don't have recourse. I cannot help what I cannot understand. And I cannot understand anything.

I would rather take the pain for you than know you sit quietly in agony...

You were the right one at the wrong time...words are ricocheting around inside of my head and I cannot make them stop. I cleared out some of the old posts from the myspace blogs, and transferred some to here, and some I simply deleted as irrelevant. There are so many things circling around that i can't make sense of anything, and all I want is to scream. I can't ask for what I want, because I can't quite form the words to make sense, even to me.

My hands are so soft, and so small and they seem so very fragile to me as I sit and look at them. By comparison, yours seem large and rough, capable and strong. I never feel fragile to myself. Women like me never seem as though we should be considered fragile in any way. I realize that's just stupid, but I can't quite get past the stereotype of it. Delicate little women should be fragile and treated delicately. They need to be handled with kid gloves, for they deserve to be handled gently. But women who fit the stereotype I am? We're built differently, and deserve no such consideration. It's bullshit, really. And technically I know I should expect better. I don't know why it is that I'm willing to settle for so very little. I'm not worth more? All of these issues are mostly a product of my own mind, I'm sure.

At this point, even my issues are having issues. Perhaps they ought to all get together and have tea. Or maybe they'll just all get together and get fucking wasted and they'll all feel better when they wake up the next morning. It's a thought.

I have got to stop midnight rambling. I'm not even making sense to myself at this point. I finally got some sleep this afternoon. Houseful of people watching foozball, and I disappeared into my room and took a nap. I guess all the people around made it possible to crash out, although I'm not altogether sure why. In either event, it worked, and I slept for a while. And I slept fairly hard too, because when I woke up, I realized people had been in and out of my room and I never even so much as opened my eyes that I can remember. Creepy.

I'm going to go finish the book I was reading, and make a real effort at sleep. Goodnight internets.

Random thoughts

God, how different it was back then. I had this burning desire to *know*. To learn, to experience everything there was. To love without restraint, and to defy the odds.
I had dreams then. I could see the future stretching out in front of me, without limits to inhibit those dreams. I could be anyone, do anything, go anywhere. Such large dreams. It feels sometimes now as though those dreams have been crushed into dust. I know that isn't true. Life happened. It feels as though I went to sleep and missed out on so many things.

I like my life the way it is, don't get me wrong. I have no desire to go back and undo the past. I wouldn't want to change my present for it. Change one, change all. But I still have some dreams. And right now, those dreams are still unobtainable. I'm working on that, making those things feasible again. All of which takes time. I've learned through the years that time can be quite unstable, and I fear what I can't control.

Control has always been an issue with me. I felt when I was younger that I could control everything, and thus it was safe to let go the control sometimes. i don't feel that way anymore. Too many things have taken the control i held out of my hands and broken it into pieces, as an inconsiderate child would do to the toy of a rival.

I'll keep reaching, and trying to regain what I've lost. I hope to one day live my dreams. Until then, I'll continue to learn, in the hope that what I've learned will one day be of assistance to me.

1994

I've been thinking about 1994 lately. You'd think this would have been a time of reflection for the decade past, back in 2004, but I was a little busy with other shit that year. C'est la vie.

That was the year 'the group' went and watched the midnight premiere of "Interview with a vampire". The year high school ended, and real life supposedly began. I watched "The Crow" a dozen times that year, and we thought we were invincible.

God, we were young. Wild, carefree, ready to take on anything that came up.

I thought I knew everything, that I could handle anything. Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. God, I was stupid. And yet, I can't claim that I wish that year hadn't happened.

Being on my own the next year changed me in ways I still sit in quiet contemplation of. Having a child, becoming an actual adult, instead of the smart-ass kid who thought she was an adult.

Anyhow, don't mind me. 1994, I salute you. I don't miss you, but I thank you for the lessons you taught me, and I bid you farewell.

Random lyrics

...And all the roads that lead you there are winding. And all the lights that light the way are blinding. There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how. I said maybe you're going to be the one who saves me. And after all, you're my wonderwall...

...You wanted more. More than I could give. More than I could handle, in a life that I can't live. You wanted more. More than I could bear. More than I could offer for a love that isn't there...

...I live for how you make me feel. So I question all this being real. Because I'm not afraid to love, for the first time I'm not afraid of love. Oh, this day seems made for you and me, and you showed me what life means to be...

...Now this looks like a job for me, so everybody just follow me, because we need a little controversy, because it feels so empty without me...

...It takes the shape of a place out west...but what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed. She needs wide open spaces. Room to make a big mistake. She needs new faces. She knows the high stakes...

...He was the one that I'd wanted for all times. And each night I'd spent praying that god would make him mine. And if he'd only grant me the wish I'd wished back then, I'd never ask for anything again. Sometimes I thank god for unanswered prayers. Remember when you're talking to the man upstairs that just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care. Some of god's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers...

...Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life...

...Life throws you curves, but you learn to swerve. Me, I swung and I missed and the next thing you know I'm reminiscing. Dreaming old dreams and wishing old wishes...

...I won't be held responsible. She fell in love in the first place. For the life of me, I cannot remember, what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise. For the life of me, I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins. We were merely freshmen...

...We call them cool, those hearts that have no scars to show. The ones that never do let go and risk the tables being turned. We call them fools who have to dance within the flame. Who chance the sorrow and the shame that always comes with getting burned. But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire, because it's not enough just to stand outside the fire. We call them strong, those who can face this world alone. Who seem to get by on their own. Those who will ever take the fall. We call them weak who are unable to resist the slightest chance love might exist. And for that forsake it all. They're so hell-bent on giving, walking a wire, convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire...

...Say goodnight, not goodbye. You will never leave my heart behind. Like the path of a star, I'll be anywhere you are. In this heart that lies beneath the cold, in the secret place inside your soul. Keep my life in your eyes, say goodnight, not goodbye. Don't you feel when you dream waking up is never what it seemed. Like the jewel buried deep, like a promise meant to keep. You are everything you ought to be. So just let your heart reach out to me. I'll be right by your side, say goodnight, not goodbye...

Somewhere down the road lyrics

We had the right love at the wrong time
Guess I always knew inside
I wouldn't have you for a long time
Those dreams of yours are shining on distant shores
And if they're calling you away
I have no right to make you stay
But somewhere down the road, our roads are going to cross again
It doesn't really matter when
Somewhere down the road I know that heart of yours will come to see
That you belong with me
Sometimes goodbyes are not forever
It doesn't matter if you're gone, I still believe in us together
I understand more than you think I can
You have to go out on your own so you can find your way back home
Somewhere down the road, our roads are going to cross again
It doesn't really matter when
Somewhere down the road I know that heart of yours will come to see
That you belong with me
Letting go is just another way to say I'll always love you so
We had the right love at the wrong time
Maybe we've only just begun
Maybe the best is yet to come
Somewhere down the road, our roads are going to cross again
It doesn't really matter when
Somewhere down the road I know that heart of yours will come to see
That you belong with me

A very specific bitchfest

I tend to have a lot of patience for people who are ill, or who are having health problems in their lives, because I am so often ill myself. But a lot of patience only goes so far.

I've been reading through various blogs and pondering a few things lately, and the only conclusion I can come to is this. Some people bitch entirely too much about things that they *know* will in some way be resolved. I'm really sorry, truly I am, that there's a problem, and that they have to deal with a battery of doctors to deal with said issue. Been there, done that. Doctors are a pain in the ass, no doubt about it. But all in all, they do the best they can, and at least *yours* are telling you that in the end, you'll be a functioning fucking human being.

And granted, I'm a functioning human being as well. Sort of. Unless I'm having a "bad" day. At which point, I'm completely screwed. I can't hang out, I can't go do whatever I might feel like doing that day in spite of my problem. I am completely out of circulation, and most likely passed out from the massive dosage of medication I take to solve the problem. I don't get to hobble around, and I don't get to bitch that it hurts. Because it *always* hurts. Most of the time, I simply push it aside, but when it's a "bad" day, that isn't even an option. Bed and unconsciousness are the only one. I take around a thousand dollars of medications and painkillers a month, every month, whether I want to or not. And this is something I know that I'll be doing for the rest of my life. My immune system is so far gone that I get pnuemonia, where everyone else picks up a common cold. I have migraines that have caused me to slam my head into walls to deal with *that* pain, instead of the pain inside my skull. And on certain days, the neurons in my brain misfire and leave me an incoherent, unspeaking, frustrated person, with no options except writing or typing as communication.

A dislocated hip, two herniated discs at the end of my spine, and I use painkillers to function in spite of them. Brain cancer, which I get tested every three months with MRI's for, every three months, for the rest of my life. Just waiting for the one I know will come back positive, meaning going back in for *another* wide-awake open cranioitomy, because that's what it'll take to keep me alive. I have been diagnosed with lupus, fibromyalgia, and arthritis, to go with the cancer and the back and hip problems. And none of these are cureable. NONE OF THEM.

So take heed when you sit and bitch to me about how much it hurts, or how lousy you're feeling, or how frustrated you are with doctors and whatnot. At least your shit can be fixed, even if it doesn't leave you precisely the same way you were before you got sick or hurt. It won't leave you damaged physically, emotionally, and neurologically. Some of us don't have the option of just "waiting until it gets fixed". Keep that in mind the next time you're sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. You can walk, or hop, or wheel whenever you want to. You can think and speak and communicate at will. Be grateful.

On loyalty and such

I've been contemplating that for the last few days. Loyalty, that is. Honor, trust, that sort of thing. I'm not perfect, the gods know that. And I accept that. Perfection isn't even something I attempt to achieve for the most part. But loyal, that I am. And I have my own specific type of honor.

I had a tag line up a few days ago that said "Loyalty is not like underwear. You don't change daily." And that's true. You're either loyal and your actions follow your words, or they don't. It actually is a black or white issue for me. You don't claim to be a confidante, someone worthy of trust and compassion, while turning around and saying the exact opposite. You don't tell secrets that were given to you to others. You're trustworthy and honest.

I'm loyal to a specific group. And those people are fully aware of who I am, and the things I believe in. Makes it easier all around for everybody, because no one has to try and figure out whether or not what they're doing will fit in with my beliefs. They're right out there for everybody to see.

I haven't always been this way. There was a time, not so long ago that I've forgotten, that I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and I didn't give a shit whether or not it hurt anybody else. As long as I was getting what I felt that I should have, or getting whatever I wanted, it mattered not in the slightest if someone else got screwed over in the process. I was an asshat. I'm not particularly proud of that.

But I am proud that I've changed from that. I still go my own way and do my own thing. But I'm very careful now to not hurt others in the process. Generally if someone gets hurt by something I've done, it wasn't intentional, and I'll try to correct it. At least, most of the time. If I've set out to hurt someone now, there are extenuating circumstances, and chances are I've been severely hurt by them first. And it takes a fair amount to get me to the point of anger. I don't have the flash-temper that I once did.

Control is a beautiful thing. Self-control. Control over your surroundings. Control in general. And I have control now. I wake up in the morning, and do what needs to be done. I take care of my friends. I take up the slack when it needs to be, and help those who are willing to help themselves. Because I can, because I have enough control now to function enough to help others.

But I've gotten to the point over the years where trying to help those who have no interest in helping themselves is useless. It's like walking up to a concrete wall, and slamming my fist into it repeatedly, sure that sooner or later that wall will give up, and I'll win. Never going to happen. So I don't put my poor fist through that anymore. Now, I look at the wall, and shake my head. Then I go find a ladder, instead of trying to punch my way through. Climbing is much more efficient than punching in that type of situation.

I'm having to re-evaluate things in my life this month. Things I never expected to need to question have become clouded. And I dislike confusion. I like things to be ordered, and neat and logical. I function best that way.

So in order to have my life in its normal logical state, I've made a few changes. I let some things go, and just walked away. I read something once where the description was along the lines of `Don't do it. She will erase you from her life the way you remove letters from a chalkboard. Completely and effortlessly.` And that's how I've decided to handle the discord that was colouring my life. I'll erase it, as I would chalk markings on a board.

The only words that can hurt me are the ones I allow to make an impact. I know this. And knowing, have chosen to no longer listen to the words. Actions speak louder than words most of the time. And actions have already proven themselves.

Random

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.


TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.


THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.


FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.


FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.


SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.


SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.


EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't
have much.


NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way
to live life completely.


TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.


ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile
and ask, "Why do you want to know?"


FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great
risk..


FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.


SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson


SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and
responsibility for all your actions.


EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.


NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.


TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
voice.


TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Karma

So yeah, Karma. I've always more or less believed in Karma in the traditional sense, but at the root it seems to go back to "do unto others". I let the car in the driveway out if there's a huge line of people behind me. I take the time to listen when someone has a problem, because it helps them to express what's going on in a rational way, so they can come to grips with things. I usually have twenty dollars in an emergency to tide someone over for the couple days until payday. I treat other people for the most part the way I'd like to be treated. Generally even people who I know will never return the favor. It all adds up in the end, to my Karma bank account.

So at Christmas, at the mall, I can usually find the front row parking spot. I generally end up with people who will listen to me when I have something to say. I respect people's beliefs, and as a result, rarely get any flack about my own beliefs or morals.

It's a nice setup, Karma. But there's always someone who thinks that they should get to decide who gets what, and when. They see themselves somehow as the judge, jury and executioner. It's pretty funny if you think about it, because the executioner probably doesn't end up with a lot of good Karma in his basket, since he's usually beheading people. Individual people don't get to make the rules for others. You can't decide whether or not JimBob has done something wrong, and try to punish him for it. It isn't your decision to make. Some higher power, pick which one at your own discretion, is going to be making that decision, and probably isn't going to be appreciating your input in the first place. Which leads back to garnering bad Karma for you, if you try to make decisions that aren't yours to make.

So I get to sit back and watch the people who are stupid enough to try and take upon themselves stuff they have no business being involved in to begin with, and watch them get back what they have coming to them for sticking their nose into other's business. Great entertainment, if you can get it.

Meh, just a thought for the windy freezing morning today.

Secret word of the week

This week's secret word of the week is dissolute. I am personally a little surprised to have learned the actual dictionary definition of the term, although I have no idea what I thought it meant in the first place. It must have been one of those terms that I had confused with a different word.

Dissolute:

Definition:

Indifferent to moral restraints, given to moral or improper conduct, licentious.
adj. Lacking moral restraint; indulging in sensual pleasures or vices.

Synonyms:

Corrupt, loose, debauched, wanton or abandoned.

Thesaurus:

Main Entry: dissolute
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: immoral
Synonyms: abandoned, corrupt, debauched, degenerate, depraved, dissipated, evil, fast*, hell-bent, high living*, lax, lewd, libertine, licentious, light, loose*, night owl*, nighthawk*, open, playboy, player*, profligate, raffish, rakish, reprobate, slack, speedy, swift, unconstrained, unprincipled, unrestrained, vicious, wanton, wayward, wicked, wild

R.I.P. Cassie...

Jezebel was a legend, once upon a time. And I mean that with the utmost respect imaginable, because I loved her, and she was my friend. And she's gone, now. I found out that she died, last Friday, although the details are unclear. The local paper has the obituary, which confirmed the memorial details, and there's someone checking for concrete details on what happened at the coroner's office, not that it really matters, because she's gone, and knowing how or why isn't going to give her back. And it isn't fair.

Because of my spotty memory, I can't always remember what I want to, which frustrates me sometimes. But I can remember clear as day when Cassie was sitting on the couch, long braid over her shoulder, laughing while she held Dana. She was just tickled when I brought the baby home from the hospital. Look at that, you're a mommy, was how she looked at it.

Jezebel and Jessamyn. Friends. And she's gone. And I'll miss her. I won't go to her memorial service, even though I'd like to, because I know that a fair amount of people who wouldn't appreciate my presence will turn out to show their respects for Cass. And because I know that she would rather that the memorial itself not even be held, I choose to honor what I already know would have been her wishes, and pass. The shell that was Cass isn't there. She was too private a person to have wanted a public memorial.

So rest in peace, Cassie, I miss you...

Secret word of the week

Oneiric.

This week's word of the week is oneiric.

I've been feeling that way a bit this last week, and figured I'd throw it out there as the word for the next week or so. Go forth my readers, and use oneiric!

Or look it up, if you don't know what it means :)

Goodnight internets.

One last cry

We moved furniture around today. Mona's moving in, we moved her stuff completely out of Kat's place and into here. We still need to go to the storage unit and move that stuff over here, but everything she had at Kat's is here now. And we're packing up and moving Danny's stuff out. It's a weird feeling.

So I've been doing some packing up of my own, whilst this is going on. I hadn't realized it would need to be done. I should have, but I didn't, so it's kind of hitting hard at times. I packed up the stuffed animals he's given me over the years. Anniversary presents. Just because gifts. All the little mementos. I know that in the bottom drawer is the blanket I had custom-made that has our anniversary date on it...and I don't know what to do with it. So many things. I'm going to have to take that stuff down, because looking at it hurts. But I don't want to just trash it.

I feel like I've failed. I *have* failed. Seven years. Such a long time. The silly little yellow bird who chirps when I push the button on his tummy, that makes me smile when I'm sad. We had to get a new battery for him, a couple of months ago, because his finally ran out. Danny got a replacement battery for him at Radio Shack, and I did surgery on this little yellow stuffed bird, and now his chirp is as good as new...he wasn't an expensive toy or anything, but he made me smile...and now who will help me repair him if the battery dies again? And it breaks my heart, because I cried and cried when his chirp wouldn't work anymore. We got that little bird when I was in one of my worst spells of depression, and that little chirp made me smile when I couldn't stop crying. And Danny spent a couple of days figuring out how to fix that stuffed toy. He found the appropriate battery, and I stitched it up.

And I feel sad because all the problems aren't as easily repaired as my little yellow bird. It isn't that I don't love Danny. I still love him. He'll remain my best friend. But that's where it stops, because it has to. And as I look around, and slowly put the last seven years into boxes and cry, I realize that the tears will stop. I can continue on. It hurts, because this is life, and life hurts. But at the end of the day, I will move on. I can still smile. I know, because I was smiling earlier today.

It's going to take time. It's going to take space, and it's going to be hard. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy. But I can do this, and I should. I need to stand on my own two feet. I need to be myself again, and I need to feel these feelings.

And one day, I'm going to be able to sit down, and open the boxes, and read through the journals. And I'm going to smile and it isn't going to hurt. And the memories will be just memories, instead of pain. I'll have one last cry, and then I'll let it go. Because when I close those boxes, the new day will dawn, and I'm going to move forward.

I don't know what I want to do yet. I don't know anything. But I know that it's time to stop crying, and start living again.

Pain before the rain

Also known as, walking weather predictor. Which can be sort of a pain in the ass. Well, actually, not so much a pain in the ass as a pain in the, well, everywhere else, basically. We finally got some rain, yesterday. Or was that today? (ponder) Wow. It's bad that I honestly can't remember which day it rained. Whatever. The day before it finally did rain, I went to go and sign off on the rental application. Everything was peachy. Grabbed my shoes, my keys, out the door I went. Bopping along, everything's just sunny. Wandered across the street. Went up the walkway, and what the hell??!?! Where'd that freight train come from? What the fuck man?! Every single joint and bone and muscle in my body started screaming, simultaneously. I seriously couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. And because it's very unusual, that whole-body experience, I continued on to go sign the paperwork. Staggered my way home, and promptly took enough various high end drugs to sink the Titanic.

For those of you unfamiliar with my drug habits (har har har), that would be I took three (yes, count 'em) Norcos, a Soma, two Motrin and had myself a glass of wine. Suffice it to say I was, um...friendly? Heh. Took about forty five minutes for the stupid things to kick in, but once they did, whooo boy, lookout. I was forbidden to have communication with anyone except myself and Chelle, due to the fact that I was so far inebriated as to be out of control of what I might accidentally say in my completely shit-faced state.

I'm a happy druggie, apparently. Sadly for me, my drug induced haze only lasted about an hour, tops. Although the painkilling effects lasted quite a while longer than that. And once the rain finally came, I no longer need the pain pills.

But good grasshoppers, what was up with the freight train effect? I haven't been slammed like that with oncoming weather in ages. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I got slammed like that. I mean, it's completely normal for me to know that we're about to have a weather shift. I'm better than the weather channel. But a freight train? I can live without *that*, thank you very much.

In other news...the red wine I use for cooking? Abso-fucking-lutely *heinous* for drinking. And my pain pills? Really makes my Topamax ineffective. I get all moody and shit. I can feel the de-mood-stabilizing effects from the pain pills making the mood-stabilizy crap from my meds not working. So, no more pain pills for me. Bummer all around.

So, inebriated Crystal? Bad. Topamax-laced Crystal? Good. Cooking wine? HORRIBLE.

Rocking out...?

Maybe not. I have Nickelback's "rockstar" in my head, and playing on my iTunes, actually. I'm thinking about doing something outrageous to my hair, and to my look. Maybe just doing something outrageous in general.

I feel as though I'm falling faster and faster and I can't stop it, and I'm not even sure I want to. It's worse at night. Old music that used to have meaning for me is once again having meaning for me, and making me ponder old feelings. Lots of old feelings are resurfacing. Probably why I'm contemplating doing something shocking to my looks.

I am angry. I am angry and I am alone. I did the right thing, for the right reasons, which is great. Yay for me. I made the sane, responsible choice. I did the adult thing. And I am slowly moving on. Moving forward? Perhaps. But I am alone. And it isn't fair to expect me to be happy and smiling all the time. I am angry, because it isn't easy for me. I could have taken the easy way, and I didn't. And that's fine, but I wish people weren't expecting miracles from me.

Yes, I want everyone to be happy. But hey, is it too much to ask that I get to be happy too? Is it really? Is it too much to expect that I can be sad, and cry, and that in reality I have lost here too? Because I have.

I didn't just shrug and let it all go without any thought at all. There was some serious thought involved. I had really tried my honest-to-god best. I had planned on a future. Perhaps not the white picket fence variety, but a future nonetheless. And that's gone now, because what I had pictured, and what he had in mind weren't the same. But the basic idea was there. Growing old together. A dog. A house. A *life*, damnit. A partner.

And while I'm smiling, and doing my damnedest to make it all easy and make the transition easy, it's not that simple for me. Because yes, it hurts. And I'm losing here too. So this is hurting me. Because I did the right thing, because I can't be what he wants for the long term. I can't give what he wants. But that doesn't mean that I'm not losing something here. I'm losing a lot. Just because I'm not sitting here screaming and crying and making a massive deal out of it doesn't mean it's not there.

My sanity is hanging by a fucking thread. And I don't have anything to grab hold of, because there isn't particularly anything I *can* grab. He's moving on. Faster than I could ever have really imagined. Which cements for me that this was the right thing. I guess that's a good thing? But it makes it almost impossible to try and ask for comfort in any form, because friends or not, there's no way to try and explain things in any way that doesn't make everyone miserable.

So I feel like a failure. I am angry. I am sad. I feel lost and confused, because everything I was so sure of is gone. I don't know what to think or to say or how to feel, or what to do, or not do. I don't know where I fit in anymore, or how to behave. Everything I had and everything I was was tied up in that person I was pretending to be, and now I'm at a loss for what to do now...

The picture below

That was taken on 'Chelle's camera phone a few nights ago, and I like it. It's actually pretty rare for me to see a picture of myself that I actually like, so I thought I'd post it. I had her send it to me, and decided to post it here.

She says she will photoshop it, but I like it just the way it is, so here it is.

It's been a very melancholy few days for me, and I can't really say that I see an end in sight. There are several conversations that I should be having that I keep not having. There are many things I should probably be dealing with that I'm not. I'm still not sleeping, not really.

I want to go to sleep and feel comforted and safe. I want to ask for that, and I can't quite bring myself to do it. I want a lot of things. I want to be as confident as I once was. I want to be able to remember things that I've lost, and I want to laugh.

I just want you...just for a little while...

chaos
screaming
tearing
aching
breaking
spinning
round and round
tortured
thinking
hurting
crying
broken
battered
left behind

and every time less words are spoken
with every instance less is said
with every passing breath a heart is broken
with every whisper emotions felt are dead

in time those things i thought i heard will silence
with time those feelings will desist
lost thoughts to turn away from violence
the emotional overload easy to resist

things can return to level ground
terrain regained with every brick
confidence gained with armor bound
strength bolstered again with old tricks

Midnight musings

Danny's birthday dinner was Friday night, and a group of us gathered at the Spaghetti Factory. Pictures were taken, which are actually up on his myspace, for those who have access to it. I'm sure they're in other locations, but I suck and don't have that handy, so I can't post links to it.

Chelle tells me it was the saddest birthday dinner she's ever been to, only I disagree. I thought it actually went off fairly well, all things considered. Food was good, conversation flowed fairly well. No awkward silences, no angry exchanges. The only truly awkward moment happened when we bumped into friends on our way out who hadn't been told about the breakup, and so were unaware of the current circumstances...

All in all, things are going okay. It has to be the absolute most strange breakup on record, as things go, but we both agree, since we've spent a fair amount of time discussing it, that this should have happened a long time ago. The ease with which we're handling the actual emotional side of it tells us that this is the right thing to do. We're better friends than life partners. And we're damn good friends. I'm grateful for that.

Things are still going to be a little weird. You can't sleep with someone and spend that part of your life with them for seven years without their being a little weirdness. But things are going to be okay, I think. He's been my best friend for so long, that it would just be wrong if that suddenly stopped cold. I just want to see him be happy. And I wasn't making him happy, not really. We tried to, but it just wasn't there. We're both much happier without the pretending...

Anyhow, Danny is now twenty six, and life is moving on. Things are moving on. And my midnight ramblings are still as pointless and random as always.

Secret word of the week

It's that time again, and this time I've decided to give some thought to my word of the week. It's once again the middle of the night, because I'm not given to a whole lot of sleep lately. My word of the week...what should it be? I was going to go with another one of the light-hearted funny words, but I've decided I'm just not feeling in a particularly light mood.

So this week's word of the week is going to be "recondite".

Use that in a sentence my dearhearts.

Chinese astrology? Oh, Brody?

Fire Snake, eh?

***
Those of you born under the influence of the Chinese Element Fire burn through life with your fierce charm, your impulsive enthusiasm and your restless emotions. A natural leader, you inspire with your decisive action and dramatic expression; people can't help but be magnetically drawn to you. Where will you lead your followers? Likely into an exciting adventure of some sort. You're instinctual, but your mind sparks with new ideas and clever solutions.

In love, you're highly-charged -- even combustible at times! Hot tamales to the core, these dynamic individuals can see straight to the heart of an issue and make it work for them. You may seem single-minded, but you just refuse to be swayed from a cause they believe to be important.

Diplomatic and popular, the Snake has the sensual art of seduction down. This Sign is an interesting mix of gregariousness paired with introversion, intuitive reasoning paired with savvy business skills. Snakes are considered to be lucky with money and will generally have more than enough to live life to the fullest, regardless of how important it considers money to be; this may be due to the fact that Snakes tend to be rather tight with cash. They're not stingy, they're simply more mentally than physically active. Snakes tend to hang back a bit in order to analyze a situation before jumping into it. Their charming, seductive quality actually belies a rather retiring nature; this Sign is perfectly happy to spend the whole day curled up with a good book and, thus, can be mislabeled as being lazy.

The Snake is somewhat insecure deep down and tend to be a rather jealous, possessive lover, behavior that can end up alienating loved ones. Despite these less-than-stellar tendencies, however, the Snake often proves irresistible and is a generous, loving partner. Slightly dangerous and disarmingly smart, the Snake's philosophical and intuitive mind generally supersedes logic in favor of feelings and instinct. Snakes will rely on their own gut reactions and intuitions before turning to others for suggestions. This makes this Sign a great hand in any business venture, possessing the caution and smarts needed to get ahead.

Snakes are hard workers (when they see good reason to be!) and are possessed of a keen intelligence. Snakes have incredible follow-through, once they get going, and they expect the same from others. Thus, their coworkers and employees had best stay on their toes, lest they anger the Snake and suffer its poisonous bite!

In general, of course, Snakes are generous and genteel, charming and appealing. Snakes must try to learn humility and to develop a stronger sense of self. Once Snakes realize that confidence comes from within, they will finally be comfortable in their own skin.

The most compatible match for a Snake is the Rooster or the Ox.