Choice, Direction, Nature - Mine

That's it, isn't it. Finally. I'm free. I hadn't realized. I'm free to come and go as I please, and I do. It's my choice, and while Fate might circumvent me in the end, and I might not end up precisely the way I plan, for right now, it's my choice, as it never was before. I can choose my own direction, even if it's the wrong one.

And yes, I love him. I've always loved him. I always will. I won't lie about it, even to myself. There's no point. Even if I'm wrong, even if I make a mistake, I won't lie about it. I love him more than anything. But I won't belong to him.

I won't be anyone's convenience, not ever again. Any belonging, if it ever happens, will be on both sides, or not at all. It will be complete. I've given myself before, to someone who didn't love me. It seemed like it was the sensible thing to do, and it seemed like it was the right choice. I did it because I was afraid, and because I thought that no one would ever want me. I was afraid no one ever would.

I was afraid to be alone. I hate admitting that to myself. I was terrified of being alone. That's just not true anymore. And I owe thanks to Danny and Phillip both, in the end, for having left me completely alone, as afraid as I was. Because now? I'm not afraid at all. I've learned how to be alone, and to like myself. To respect myself. I've learned to respect who I am.

The fact that I can be alone doesn't mean that I have to be, it means that I don't need to be with anyone else anymore. I don't need to be a part of anyone else to be happy anymore. I don't have to change the life that I've finally started for myself anymore, to throw myself into someone else's line of vision, just to "complete" myself.

I come first now. Me, Crystal. I will not settle anymore, for one inch less than everything. Just because I'm in love with him, just because I want him more than I ever wanted anything, does not mean that I will throw everything I have built in the last year away, to chase after him like a lost puppy. I have more self-respect than that, and I value myself more than that now.

I'll do the choosing this time. I'll choose my direction, and follow my own path now. I have the capacity to love, with a whole heart now, and to share a part of my life. But I won't be a convenience, and I won't be a toy. I don't need to be. I'll be a friend, because that's in my nature. Because I know myself now. Because I've had time to heal, and to think, and to evaluate who I am, and who I want to be.

I'm Crystal. Finally. And it took me a damned long time to get here.