It's funny, and it probably makes me a somewhat inattentive person that I've been both busy and sick recently, and didn't notice the now supposedly-invisible person who vanished from my life. Not just my life though. Once I noticed the absence, and truth be told, I have no idea how long she'd been missing before I saw the removal from my Facebook and Myspace, and then actually actively went to check for blogs and the twitter site to see what I might come up with.
Turns out that not only did I get deleted, so did everyone associated with me. Seems a little petty and childish, since I'm not even certain what it was that I did, and I know for damned sure nobody else did anything to warrant the removal, with the exception of >gasp< being my friend. The horror. Blasphemy. I know, right? Obviously, I missed something, somewhere.
So, I did a little poking around, since, well, I have that annoying skillset to be able to do such things. The trouble with dropping off into the ether, in an online world, is that it's actually not all that simple. Well, that's untrue.
It's very easy to drop into the ether, and have a completely hidden invisible place to voice your thoughts, and to lock down your profiles and your privacy. But you can't really do that and still keep all your things linked to your own personal things, in any way. People who like to have sycophants and be fussed over rarely manage to drop off the radar.
I freely admit that I have multiple accounts, that I use for multiple purposes. Very few of them are linked to each other, in any capacity. There would be no point. On the one account I have that has nothing that relates in any way to my Controversy account, I use it, I keep it, and I run it, with absolutely nothing that would refer to myself in any form. Which is why I feel free to write there, with no one realizing that it's me. My other blog accounts? I know there are a handful of people who know I write on those periodically. I can't necessarily finger which people who read them, but I know they do, and that's enough that more often than not, I write bullshit on those pages, just so I can screw with their heads occasionally. If no one will admit to reading what's being written, then I feel free to concoct the most amazing things on those pages. Fiction, at its best. Sometimes, people deserve what they get for not telling the truth when asked.
Where was I going with this? Oh, yes. Invisible people, and finding it odd to have been removed from someone's life with no provocation, without so much as a phone call, and then being somewhat amused to watch multiple blogs go online, while the main one goes down, in the hope of...what, exactly? Hiding from the world? From specific people? Trust that if I can see the secondary ones, gods know that chances are everyone else can too, as my ninja skills aren't all that tech savvy. Decent but not spectacular.
Whatever happened to simply writing in a paper journal? Or keeping .doc files or .txt files on your personal PC if you wanted to keep a journal? Why does everything need to be blogged? Nobody can use things against you if you just keep a damned diary. You still get to write out your feelings.
I wonder, sometimes, if people who read this truly believe that I write everything that goes through my mind. If I post everything up here for public consumption. The answer to that, my readers? It's no, I don't. I have private thoughts, and those thoughts remain mine, and private. What goes here, goes here by choice. I know better than to give fodder to the masses, to be used against me just because I'm not smart enough to keep some thoughts to myself. That'd be insane. I like getting feedback from a lot of my thoughts. Running some ideas out through the public domain, and seeing what some people think of it. But when it matters, personally, to me? I keep my own counsel. I'm not going to post up something that can do me injury, and leave myself open to attack. That would be foolish. The world doesn't need to know some things.
And if I truly, honestly just need to vent out some things, in a forum where I need feedback but can't afford to have people who personally know me getting wind of it? There are places to post that, anonymously, on the 'net. But I certainly wouldn't do that on my mainstream blog. People know me here, and I live in a small town, where people would talk about me all over.
I just don't get it. No one is invisible. However much they might want to be, no one is invisible. Life doesn't work that way. And if you're going to put your private life online to the world, you can expect repercussions, and people to talk. That's how things work. Social networking has descended onto society, and that's the way things work in today's world. It's like a convoluted game of yesteryear's "telephone game". Come to think of it, I never much liked that either. I must be getting old.
But with advances in technology comes the way things progress, and the society we live in, and that includes the internet, and sites like Facebook and Myspace and the way people interact and behave. Being invisible and dropping out of sight is virtually impossible, unless you know how to do it, or are completely prepared to do it in a full-scale and isolated manner. And most people aren't.
Posting that you're going to go into hiding, is sort of oxymoronic at best. And at all it does, is scream that you're putting in a huge bid for attention. Well, it got attention. But I doubt highly that it was the type you were looking for.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
happy vs unhappy
I was going to post about being happy or being unhappy, but I think I've decided that I'm not going to. There's nothing particularly good that can come of it, and there isn't really anything that I'm going to solve from trying to sort it out.
Sometimes I'm happy. Sometimes I'm not. I can't figure out which is winning.
The end.
Sometimes I'm happy. Sometimes I'm not. I can't figure out which is winning.
The end.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Attention: Reality Ahead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe I've figured it out, and you're all just batshit insane. Or perhaps I am. Not entirely certain which.
So today's little lesson, or maybe it wasn't just today, it's kind of the culmination of the last little while, is that everyone hates reality. But they each seem to hate reality, their own personal flavor of it, and they like it flavored with their own personal quirks. They take their insane little bubble-psychosis in their own ways.
And no one wants to deal with reality, not really. They pretend that they're facing it, and claim that they're acting accordingly. But it's a lie. And that lie causes them to be assholes. On both small and huge scales.
While dealing with reality, you have to deal with people and things that you don't necessarily like and enjoy. And to deal with those things, you have to make what are called accommodations. You accept that things are not always going to please your personal tastes, and you modify your behavior accordingly. You act like a human being, and you sit quietly in the boring waiting room, through the boring movie that you wouldn't necessarily enjoy, you put up with the play that makes someone else happy, because in the real world, someone else has made that same accommodation to make you happy at one point or another. You got your turn, now they get their turn, and both parties have reached being happy. Maybe not at exactly the same time, but it still happened.
Yes, each was bored for >x< amount of time, while the opposite person was delighted because they got theirs. That's sort of how it works. I'm sure that while you were washing the dishes, you probably weren't ecstatic. But in the end, the kitchen got cleaned, which would mean for a nice, neat room, which would make the reality of living there all that much more pleasant.
The lie factor here? Is that everyone says they live in the real world, and they don't. Because if they did, they'd deal. To make other people happy. To have the clean house. To have the happy partner, even if they were bored. Even if it meant doing some of it themselves, instead of bitching to have it done for them.
But nobody wants to step out of that extremely self-centered zone, where life revolves around their own happy place, wherever that happens to be. Because people are jerks. It doesn't matter that someone else is unhappy for a little while, as long as you're not bored, even for a couple of hours. As long as you don't have to be frustrated, or aggravated, or anything else. As long as you don't have to be uncomfortable, or leave the bubble-zone, because it's all about you. And they don't see it. They've lived in their own head for so long, that they genuinely never look around and see from any perspective but their own, so that fake reality has become real, and no amount of reasoning will sway them.
Or I suppose that might not be it. It might be genuine unconcern, because they want it all their way, all the time, and just don't care that being bored for a few hours might be worth it. That it makes them like the rest of the human race, to step back down with the rest of us, to make someone else happy, for no other reason than that. It doesn't have to be all your own way, all the time. To take note of what others do and give for you, and return the same courtesy, however small. To see from someone else's perspective.
No one is correct about everything, all the time. And no one shares the same world view about everything. But insulating yourself and being unwilling to do, and see, and experience anything at all that makes you uncomfortable, or bored, or that you find uninteresting, or that you dislike? You have at the same time shown to someone else that you devalue their opinion and their interests and their views. By being unwilling to see things from their perspective you have shown yourself to be removed from reality, or just uncaring about anything but what you like, with no regard for anything they like.
So today's little lesson, or maybe it wasn't just today, it's kind of the culmination of the last little while, is that everyone hates reality. But they each seem to hate reality, their own personal flavor of it, and they like it flavored with their own personal quirks. They take their insane little bubble-psychosis in their own ways.
And no one wants to deal with reality, not really. They pretend that they're facing it, and claim that they're acting accordingly. But it's a lie. And that lie causes them to be assholes. On both small and huge scales.
While dealing with reality, you have to deal with people and things that you don't necessarily like and enjoy. And to deal with those things, you have to make what are called accommodations. You accept that things are not always going to please your personal tastes, and you modify your behavior accordingly. You act like a human being, and you sit quietly in the boring waiting room, through the boring movie that you wouldn't necessarily enjoy, you put up with the play that makes someone else happy, because in the real world, someone else has made that same accommodation to make you happy at one point or another. You got your turn, now they get their turn, and both parties have reached being happy. Maybe not at exactly the same time, but it still happened.
Yes, each was bored for >x< amount of time, while the opposite person was delighted because they got theirs. That's sort of how it works. I'm sure that while you were washing the dishes, you probably weren't ecstatic. But in the end, the kitchen got cleaned, which would mean for a nice, neat room, which would make the reality of living there all that much more pleasant.
The lie factor here? Is that everyone says they live in the real world, and they don't. Because if they did, they'd deal. To make other people happy. To have the clean house. To have the happy partner, even if they were bored. Even if it meant doing some of it themselves, instead of bitching to have it done for them.
But nobody wants to step out of that extremely self-centered zone, where life revolves around their own happy place, wherever that happens to be. Because people are jerks. It doesn't matter that someone else is unhappy for a little while, as long as you're not bored, even for a couple of hours. As long as you don't have to be frustrated, or aggravated, or anything else. As long as you don't have to be uncomfortable, or leave the bubble-zone, because it's all about you. And they don't see it. They've lived in their own head for so long, that they genuinely never look around and see from any perspective but their own, so that fake reality has become real, and no amount of reasoning will sway them.
Or I suppose that might not be it. It might be genuine unconcern, because they want it all their way, all the time, and just don't care that being bored for a few hours might be worth it. That it makes them like the rest of the human race, to step back down with the rest of us, to make someone else happy, for no other reason than that. It doesn't have to be all your own way, all the time. To take note of what others do and give for you, and return the same courtesy, however small. To see from someone else's perspective.
No one is correct about everything, all the time. And no one shares the same world view about everything. But insulating yourself and being unwilling to do, and see, and experience anything at all that makes you uncomfortable, or bored, or that you find uninteresting, or that you dislike? You have at the same time shown to someone else that you devalue their opinion and their interests and their views. By being unwilling to see things from their perspective you have shown yourself to be removed from reality, or just uncaring about anything but what you like, with no regard for anything they like.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Today's topic: narcissism
I was reading something today, and it caused me to stop and contemplate narcissism, as it relates to narcissistic personality disorders and whether or not some people truly think that the world revolves around them, and their presence.
It sort of made me sad, in a way. I *know* that a few people would genuinely notice if I did or didn't show up at a function, and I know that my friends cheer when I walk into a room, but it's in a good-natured joking sort of way, not in a "wow, the world would be a sadder, lonely sort of place if you weren't here tonight" kind of way. And there are some people who truly seem to think that an event is made or broken by their mere presence. I cannot fathom that.
I have a good healthy self-esteem these days. I'm pretty grounded in the fact that people care about me, and that I'm well-liked. I'm confident and self-assured most of the time. But the idea that I'm the center of everything? Just baffles me. I'm not particularly jealous of anybody, and if other people are envious of what I have or who I am? Well, um, they're kind of nuts. And I mean that in the kindest possible way. Trust me, you don't want to live my life.
As for being "special"...certainly, I'm "special". I'm the kind of special that comes from having had a terminal disease. Did I mention that under "you don't want to live my life"? Cause you don't. I don't want to be special. Don't want to play with special people. I don't *mind* special people, but I don't exactly go out of my way to search out elitists, because I just don't give a damn. I like most people, who are nice to me, until they give me a reason to not like them.
I don't want to be admired, I don't want to be fawned over, I don't particularly want anything out of the ordinary. Now that I think about it, I'm awfully boring. I suppose I like intelligent people, interesting people. But I don't "require" genuises or anything. Just...people being people.
Where was I? Oh, right. The idea of someone thinking that if they didn't show up somewhere, that that gathering would just not be worth actually being held, because they weren't there. *insert eyeroll here*
Obviously, I'd make a very bad narcissist. I'd rather expect that nobody would really note my absence beyond a passing "Hmm, Controversy didn't make it", and everyone would move on, if that. Even if they were my friends, because I don't expect any one person should matter that much, unless it's just a two or three person event. At which point, that's not a gathering/event, that's 'getting together for >x<' and that's a different thing, and, okay, I have something else to be doing here in a few minutes, so I'm going to post on that as a different topic later.
So I'll leave you all contemplating whether or not any of you are narcissistic personality disorders, and hope that you're not, and if you are, perhaps you should work on that, and be more personable people, because who wants to hog spotlights and be self-centered? It's very unpleasant!
It sort of made me sad, in a way. I *know* that a few people would genuinely notice if I did or didn't show up at a function, and I know that my friends cheer when I walk into a room, but it's in a good-natured joking sort of way, not in a "wow, the world would be a sadder, lonely sort of place if you weren't here tonight" kind of way. And there are some people who truly seem to think that an event is made or broken by their mere presence. I cannot fathom that.
I have a good healthy self-esteem these days. I'm pretty grounded in the fact that people care about me, and that I'm well-liked. I'm confident and self-assured most of the time. But the idea that I'm the center of everything? Just baffles me. I'm not particularly jealous of anybody, and if other people are envious of what I have or who I am? Well, um, they're kind of nuts. And I mean that in the kindest possible way. Trust me, you don't want to live my life.
As for being "special"...certainly, I'm "special". I'm the kind of special that comes from having had a terminal disease. Did I mention that under "you don't want to live my life"? Cause you don't. I don't want to be special. Don't want to play with special people. I don't *mind* special people, but I don't exactly go out of my way to search out elitists, because I just don't give a damn. I like most people, who are nice to me, until they give me a reason to not like them.
I don't want to be admired, I don't want to be fawned over, I don't particularly want anything out of the ordinary. Now that I think about it, I'm awfully boring. I suppose I like intelligent people, interesting people. But I don't "require" genuises or anything. Just...people being people.
Where was I? Oh, right. The idea of someone thinking that if they didn't show up somewhere, that that gathering would just not be worth actually being held, because they weren't there. *insert eyeroll here*
Obviously, I'd make a very bad narcissist. I'd rather expect that nobody would really note my absence beyond a passing "Hmm, Controversy didn't make it", and everyone would move on, if that. Even if they were my friends, because I don't expect any one person should matter that much, unless it's just a two or three person event. At which point, that's not a gathering/event, that's 'getting together for >x<' and that's a different thing, and, okay, I have something else to be doing here in a few minutes, so I'm going to post on that as a different topic later.
So I'll leave you all contemplating whether or not any of you are narcissistic personality disorders, and hope that you're not, and if you are, perhaps you should work on that, and be more personable people, because who wants to hog spotlights and be self-centered? It's very unpleasant!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
automobile problems and birthdays
And don't they suck? So I went to go out and get gas yesterday, with the small Monkey, and found that the front tire on the car had a nail in it. Completely flat. After I got that repaired (and I'm really freaking glad that I got the warranty on the tires six months ago when I shelled out in the first place with money I didn't technically have, to put them on there), so at least it's fixed. And then forty-five minutes later, my a/c went from blowing ice cold, to blowing hot. The shocks and struts are completely shot, and have been, and the suspension and tie rods, and ball joints on the back end are just barely holding it all together. All together? I'm looking at ballpark two thousand dollars worth of repairs to get it completely fixed. I've spent the last few months holding my breath, because I've been so broke, and every time I get into the car, I cringe, because I know that I need everything to be alright.
Having the air conditioning go wouldn't be nearly as much of a pain in the ass if it wasn't for that stupid little glitch of mine, where I don't feel the heat, and I don't sweat. The trouble isn't that I have no air conditioning. It's that if my car is 120 degrees, I won't notice. And then there's heatstroke, and badness, and much danger ensues. And I hate that.
I am so eternally sick of being broke. And none of this even would be happening in the damn first place if I hadn't been stupid, and helped somebody else out. I wouldn't have let the car fall into disrepair, because I wouldn't have been broke. I would have been making the basic repairs. Which would have included getting the a/c service at the beginning of the summer, the way I normally do. And I *hate* that. And it makes me angry at myself.
Something about not letting good deeds go unpunished. And I'm going to end up pulling my 'friend' down from my page, because watching all the good times she keeps having, and not saying anything is irritating the shit out of me, because the convenient way of her not remembering that I'm *still* owed for me bailing her out, grates more and more with each passing day in my world.
Mm, and my birthday's this weekend, for the masses who haven't been keeping track. I'll be older, again :P Not too concerned about it, but hey, give me presents or e-cards. I'm not planning anything particularly interesting, but someone is making me a birthday cake, and happy baked goods, and I'll get snuggles and probably watch movies, etc. I should have a good birthday, unless something goes seriously awry.
Now, having just said that, I should probably brace for the worst :P
Having the air conditioning go wouldn't be nearly as much of a pain in the ass if it wasn't for that stupid little glitch of mine, where I don't feel the heat, and I don't sweat. The trouble isn't that I have no air conditioning. It's that if my car is 120 degrees, I won't notice. And then there's heatstroke, and badness, and much danger ensues. And I hate that.
I am so eternally sick of being broke. And none of this even would be happening in the damn first place if I hadn't been stupid, and helped somebody else out. I wouldn't have let the car fall into disrepair, because I wouldn't have been broke. I would have been making the basic repairs. Which would have included getting the a/c service at the beginning of the summer, the way I normally do. And I *hate* that. And it makes me angry at myself.
Something about not letting good deeds go unpunished. And I'm going to end up pulling my 'friend' down from my page, because watching all the good times she keeps having, and not saying anything is irritating the shit out of me, because the convenient way of her not remembering that I'm *still* owed for me bailing her out, grates more and more with each passing day in my world.
Mm, and my birthday's this weekend, for the masses who haven't been keeping track. I'll be older, again :P Not too concerned about it, but hey, give me presents or e-cards. I'm not planning anything particularly interesting, but someone is making me a birthday cake, and happy baked goods, and I'll get snuggles and probably watch movies, etc. I should have a good birthday, unless something goes seriously awry.
Now, having just said that, I should probably brace for the worst :P
Love my loyal readers
Don't change anything about who and how people comment to me. I know who posts what, I don't need anything changed. I moderate to make sure everything stays copacetic. All is well. And thanks. Love you.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
The price people are willing to pay
I can almost watch the various wheels turning around town. The voices on the wind, I can hear them. Not that I particularly care these days, what anyone has to say. I know what people think. It doesn't affect me much. I've heard the opinions before, and heard the predictions. And as I've had to handle everything that's possible to be done to me, alone, I can say with a fair amount of confidence, that I really don't care about the opinions of the sheep.
What I do find the most amusing, is the comments that keep showing up on my blog here. And I'm aware that my loyal readers here aren't getting to see the somewhat amusing commentary that's hitting my inbox. Partially because, as always, I moderate, and partially because an *awful* lot of what's coming in, are old blogs that are suddenly garnering commentary attention.
Strikes me as amusing every single time that I start posting with specific references, how quickly some of my popular blogs start getting commentary. Like clockwork, almost. Must grate on the nerves of whoever 'anonymous' is, that I never actually let some of those 'advice' and 'gratitude' comments through.
Well, I'm very happy that they've made terrific lives for themselves, and escaped their terrible torments, and saved their children, etc. That's wonderful for them. And hey, guess what? I'm doing just spiffy for me too! But I don't really need any advice, and I'm really happy for the posters who are so grateful for my words. Glad I saved you from a life in hell, and that you got out. Kudos for, well, whatever you got out of my blog.
I don't know. The truth is, that it can be sort of grating, to know that whoever it is that follows the posts here is so dedicated about it. I have my own personal stalker! Go me! I think about shutting this down occasionally, but I never do, because it's too therapeutic for me.
*changing gears*
I went through the requirements for my degree recently, and realized that at the end of the year, I'll hold an Associate of Science degree, and two years after that, I'll have a Bachelors in Social Work. I'll be...what? Inside my head, it feels like I want to say a grown up, but that isn't right. I'll have achieved a goal, one that most people get to a lot sooner than I did. But it's true. I will have achieved a goal, one that I know that my doctors, a lot of people never really expected of me. Myself included. Even just the regular A.S. degree I never really expected to achieve. It makes me feel...'alive'? "Real" in some fashion, that I never quite felt, not for a long time. Perhaps that was what school has done for me. It made me feel like a 'real' person again. Not this half-life, just kind of existing. I can be someone, can help people, can do things, and achieve things, just like everyone else.
I'm no longer just filling time, and taking up space. And that means a lot to me, for a variety of very personal reasons, that I still need time and space to reason out, even inside my own head.
I have to work harder for school, to learn, than other people, and I accept that. It's a price I have to pay, and it's one I'm very much willing to pay. I've had to pay a price to do a lot of things. To drive a car, to walk, to read. I'm willing to pay those prices, to live and not just exist.
I'm willing to pay a certain price, to love and be loved as well. I'm willing to take certain chances, to try things that I wasn't brave enough to attempt before. And if it all fails? At least I'll have tried. I don't think I was willing to make those attempts before. I simply wasn't stable enough, or whole enough, or ready or willing enough, to try before. And if it fails? It won't be because I wasn't willing to give everything in the attempt. It's a price I'm willing to pay.
What I do find the most amusing, is the comments that keep showing up on my blog here. And I'm aware that my loyal readers here aren't getting to see the somewhat amusing commentary that's hitting my inbox. Partially because, as always, I moderate, and partially because an *awful* lot of what's coming in, are old blogs that are suddenly garnering commentary attention.
Strikes me as amusing every single time that I start posting with specific references, how quickly some of my popular blogs start getting commentary. Like clockwork, almost. Must grate on the nerves of whoever 'anonymous' is, that I never actually let some of those 'advice' and 'gratitude' comments through.
Well, I'm very happy that they've made terrific lives for themselves, and escaped their terrible torments, and saved their children, etc. That's wonderful for them. And hey, guess what? I'm doing just spiffy for me too! But I don't really need any advice, and I'm really happy for the posters who are so grateful for my words. Glad I saved you from a life in hell, and that you got out. Kudos for, well, whatever you got out of my blog.
I don't know. The truth is, that it can be sort of grating, to know that whoever it is that follows the posts here is so dedicated about it. I have my own personal stalker! Go me! I think about shutting this down occasionally, but I never do, because it's too therapeutic for me.
*changing gears*
I went through the requirements for my degree recently, and realized that at the end of the year, I'll hold an Associate of Science degree, and two years after that, I'll have a Bachelors in Social Work. I'll be...what? Inside my head, it feels like I want to say a grown up, but that isn't right. I'll have achieved a goal, one that most people get to a lot sooner than I did. But it's true. I will have achieved a goal, one that I know that my doctors, a lot of people never really expected of me. Myself included. Even just the regular A.S. degree I never really expected to achieve. It makes me feel...'alive'? "Real" in some fashion, that I never quite felt, not for a long time. Perhaps that was what school has done for me. It made me feel like a 'real' person again. Not this half-life, just kind of existing. I can be someone, can help people, can do things, and achieve things, just like everyone else.
I'm no longer just filling time, and taking up space. And that means a lot to me, for a variety of very personal reasons, that I still need time and space to reason out, even inside my own head.
I have to work harder for school, to learn, than other people, and I accept that. It's a price I have to pay, and it's one I'm very much willing to pay. I've had to pay a price to do a lot of things. To drive a car, to walk, to read. I'm willing to pay those prices, to live and not just exist.
I'm willing to pay a certain price, to love and be loved as well. I'm willing to take certain chances, to try things that I wasn't brave enough to attempt before. And if it all fails? At least I'll have tried. I don't think I was willing to make those attempts before. I simply wasn't stable enough, or whole enough, or ready or willing enough, to try before. And if it fails? It won't be because I wasn't willing to give everything in the attempt. It's a price I'm willing to pay.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Pursuit of happyness
It's taken me a while, to put this blog up, because I had things I needed to do, and people who I needed to take care of, before I could. Because those people are important enough to me, to make damn certain that they were not wounded, when I put this here. Because I've been happy for a few months, and I'm happy now, and the reasons are not the same. But both are important to me. And both will continue to be important to me. I will not give up either one, although they will be completely separate in their contexts or relationships. As I continue to be who I am, and my loyalty as always will remain.
What do you do, when something that you wanted desperately, with every fiber of your being, suddenly appears in front of you, and offers you the words that you wanted to hear? That you are cherished, and you are loved, and that everything can be alright again, and there's a chance at the happiness you thought you lost, and that a mistake had been made? No secrets, no hiding, no lies. Just a chance to rectify a mistake, and a chance to be happy now. What do you do then? What do you do when an apology you thought you'd never hear is given, and everything you want is right there for the taking?
Oh, I loved him. With everything I had, with everything I was, I loved him. I didn't doubt it, I didn't question it, I gave him everything and would have given up anything if it made him happy. I took care of him, and I got broken for my efforts. And I haven't forgotten any of those things. And it took me a very long time, and a lot of work, and a lot of soul searching, and a long time, to get to where I am now. And where I am? It's a good place to be. And over the course of that time, and the very slow process of healing, I stopped being in love with him. I still care about him, still wanted to know that he was alright. But very slowly, I stopped being in love with him. And I moved on.
And it hurt. It cost me, a lot, to let that dream go. But let it go, I did. My dreams changed, and the person I became changed as well, into a much stronger, and more self-reliant person. Someone who had the ability to look at the dreams I had once, and to see what was flawed. And what I was doing to myself, and what I had allowed myself to become.
And when I look, now, at him, what I see isn't the same either. And that overwhelming and crushing desire to give him anything, to be anything if he can just want me? That isn't there anymore. I still care about him. I realized at some point, that I'm always going to care, a part of me will always love him. But there's an equality now. I know that I deserve something more than to be hidden in the shadows, out of the light. And what he offered, was more than what it used to be.
And I'm happy now, standing within his arms, and I'm not hidden in the dark, which is where I always was. There's no shame now, with him. And that was there before as well. There was always someone else that he was searching for, someone else he wanted to hold above me. I was someone to pass the time for him, until the person he wanted more could be available. That shames me.
I'm not ashamed anymore. I am the woman he wants now, because I wouldn't have settled for anything less than that. He makes me happy, and finally, when he looks at me, he *does* look at me. And he's happy with me. And he'd finally realized the mistake that he made, and gave me the words, words I needed to hear, to heal a very large wound that he caused, when he left. That damage is going to be there, for a while. But it helped. It continues to help.
It isn't going to be an immediate fix. But each day that passes, heals a little more. And I missed him, so much, that it was like a hole was missing from inside of me. And having him back feels like I'm complete. It always did.
I can live without him, I proved that, both to myself, and him, when he left. I can do it again, if I have to. But I'd rather not. I'd rather stand at his side, and be happy. I waited, a long time, for that. I'm sorry, that it angers others, but I'll make my own choices, as I always have. I'm sorry it hurts so many people that he cares about as well. But that was his choice too, when he came after me.
We deserve to be happy, everyone does. We're not harming anyone else. If you can't be happy for us? Please, just leave us alone.
What do you do, when something that you wanted desperately, with every fiber of your being, suddenly appears in front of you, and offers you the words that you wanted to hear? That you are cherished, and you are loved, and that everything can be alright again, and there's a chance at the happiness you thought you lost, and that a mistake had been made? No secrets, no hiding, no lies. Just a chance to rectify a mistake, and a chance to be happy now. What do you do then? What do you do when an apology you thought you'd never hear is given, and everything you want is right there for the taking?
Oh, I loved him. With everything I had, with everything I was, I loved him. I didn't doubt it, I didn't question it, I gave him everything and would have given up anything if it made him happy. I took care of him, and I got broken for my efforts. And I haven't forgotten any of those things. And it took me a very long time, and a lot of work, and a lot of soul searching, and a long time, to get to where I am now. And where I am? It's a good place to be. And over the course of that time, and the very slow process of healing, I stopped being in love with him. I still care about him, still wanted to know that he was alright. But very slowly, I stopped being in love with him. And I moved on.
And it hurt. It cost me, a lot, to let that dream go. But let it go, I did. My dreams changed, and the person I became changed as well, into a much stronger, and more self-reliant person. Someone who had the ability to look at the dreams I had once, and to see what was flawed. And what I was doing to myself, and what I had allowed myself to become.
And when I look, now, at him, what I see isn't the same either. And that overwhelming and crushing desire to give him anything, to be anything if he can just want me? That isn't there anymore. I still care about him. I realized at some point, that I'm always going to care, a part of me will always love him. But there's an equality now. I know that I deserve something more than to be hidden in the shadows, out of the light. And what he offered, was more than what it used to be.
And I'm happy now, standing within his arms, and I'm not hidden in the dark, which is where I always was. There's no shame now, with him. And that was there before as well. There was always someone else that he was searching for, someone else he wanted to hold above me. I was someone to pass the time for him, until the person he wanted more could be available. That shames me.
I'm not ashamed anymore. I am the woman he wants now, because I wouldn't have settled for anything less than that. He makes me happy, and finally, when he looks at me, he *does* look at me. And he's happy with me. And he'd finally realized the mistake that he made, and gave me the words, words I needed to hear, to heal a very large wound that he caused, when he left. That damage is going to be there, for a while. But it helped. It continues to help.
It isn't going to be an immediate fix. But each day that passes, heals a little more. And I missed him, so much, that it was like a hole was missing from inside of me. And having him back feels like I'm complete. It always did.
I can live without him, I proved that, both to myself, and him, when he left. I can do it again, if I have to. But I'd rather not. I'd rather stand at his side, and be happy. I waited, a long time, for that. I'm sorry, that it angers others, but I'll make my own choices, as I always have. I'm sorry it hurts so many people that he cares about as well. But that was his choice too, when he came after me.
We deserve to be happy, everyone does. We're not harming anyone else. If you can't be happy for us? Please, just leave us alone.
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