Secret word of the week

This week's post is brought to you by a fantabulous guest blogger.

Me.

Just One Man Speaking.

I hereby decree that this week's word shall be...

Sardoodledom.

Thats right. You heard it here first.

Goodbye PNATWYMHH readers. I hope you had as much fun reading this post as I had writing it. Which is to say none at all. I don't particularly like any of you. Especially you, the goofy looking one in the back. I'll be keeping my eye on you. Anyway, goodbye again goobers, and always remember:

"Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur."

Open blog to the masses:

I got home on, um. Friday? No, wait. I got home Thursday night. And I didn't call anyone, and I didn't log onto the internets, because I was exhausted and sore and didn't feel altogether great, so when I got home, the only people I talked to were still in Nevada, letting them know that Tanya and I got into town, were safe, and then I got to my apartment, and shut down my phone. I saw my roommate for approximately 30 seconds, long enough to wave at her, and go into my bedroom. And no one outside of that room saw me for the next eighteen hours. Because I didn't feel good, because I hurt, and because honestly, I had been gone for days, and all I wanted to do was sleep, and lay in bed. So that's what I did. I didn't answer the phone. I didn't log onto the web. I didn't even check my email. I did nothing. I took pain pills, and I stayed in bed.

I guess I missed a lot of things during the not-answering-my-phone-and-myspacing.

Imagine that. I didn't feel a need to call everyone in creation, or check Myspace, or Facebook, or blogspot. I guess I thought the world could revolve without me for a few days, and that everything would be fine.

During my absence, I've apparently lost a couple of friends, because if I'm not available 24/7, then we're obviously not friends. Sucks to be me, huh? And I want to sit here, and try to muster up the energy to cry, but I just can't. These same people tend to ignore me for healthy amounts of time when they have other things going on, and I don't generally think much of it. I guess I always operate under the assumption that they have lives and things going on that are of a higher importance than a daily phone call to me would be, and that the world won't stop revolving if they don't check in with me. The same courtesy does not apply both ways, it would seem.

Joy, Mona and Danny saved Christmas for my friend 'Chelle, because she had some serious health and financial issues all at once, and she has two sons who wouldn't have had a Christmas, and I found that unacceptable. But because Danny and I split up recently, I don't have the normal financial resources that I used to have. So my friends pulled together, and put Christmas into play for the boys. Which was awesome of them, and I was very proud of them.

But a few days ago, I guess Joy suddenly started feeling as though she wanted kudos for her part in the Christmas deal. I got a slew of calls and text messages wanting to know why it was that 'Chelle wasn't gushing thanks all over her, or something along those lines. Now, I very much passed along thanks to Joy about the Christmas saving, and whatnot. I haven't been answering my phone, as I posted above. I haven't really been talking to anyone except Phillip in days, because honestly I'm a horrible horrible person, and I was out of town and I missed him and I wanted to spend time with him. Sue me. At any rate. The last of the text messages and phone calls that she left whining about feeling taken advantage about Christmas and how I never return her calls and basically just whining in general ended with how she feels used for spending the money that got spent, and she guesses she just isn't allowed to hang out with me anymore. When that last message came through this morning, I just kind of rolled my eyes, and decided to not say anything at all. I'm tired of it the BS. By the time I had decided to start returning calls after pulling out of my hibernation period, I'd been written off, and now I'm at the point of simply not giving a shit.

And then I opened up my chat program.

And there was a message on my chat program that said something odd, about how 'Chelle was feeling as though she was unloved or some such shit because of being not ranked high enough on my Myspace top 8? And she'd been dropped on Phil's top 8. Um. OK? So I went and looked around to see what the fuss was about. And people just kept getting pissier and pissier. And at the end of the day, my decision was to simply drop my top list on Myspace to 4, leave my boyfriend, and put my relatives as the other three. And at this point, I'm about to make four bogus accounts, make them all ME, and put up all four, and just be self-centered. I don't know why all the piss-fest. I'm not sure I even care. But it had nothing to do with me, and everybody is being snotty. The fact is that wherever she was on my top 8 is where she'd *been* on the top 8 for weeks. I hadn't changed it in a good long while. So now I'm just tired of the bitching.

To be perfectly honest, I don't much want to fight with anyone. I simply want to be happy. I am finally happy with Phillip. He and I are happy together. And all of the people around me who are bickering amongst themselves, and have a problem with the idea of him and I are making me tired.

I have waited ten years for this chance. I won't give him up. I'm sorry if my friends can't understand that. I'm sorry if it's going to cause dissension in the ranks. Sorry if they're feeling neglected and ignored and angry. But I'm not going to put him aside for them. I'm not going to put him aside for anyone.

A while ago during a conversation I said to someone that second to my daughter, he is the most important thing in the world to me. And that's true. It pissed her off, and I felt bad about that. But the easy simple truth for me is that I was given something precious, and I will hold it with both hands, and treasure it. I learned a hard lesson, and will value it accordingly. Words have value. And treating someone with the respect they deserve means something.

I will continue to treat people the way I would want to be treated, whether they treat me that way or not. And I will continue to be happy with Phillip, because I have that opportunity.

Everyone who doesn't wish us well can go their own way. I'm sorry for that, but if that's the way it has to be, so be it.

Merry Christmas from Nevada

Which is where I am right now, because that's where my kid is. I got lucky, and a friend of mine's father lives about a half hour from my parents, and she was heading up to see her dad, and I caught a ride, so I got to spend Christmas here.

I miss Phillip, though. A lot. It's good to be here, but I miss home, and him.

It's actually been good. I don't like holidays in general, but this one has been good. I made some custom ringtones for my little brother and my mom. Watched my little cousins and my kid and everyone open presents. Saw my family. It's been a good day.

But I'll still be happy to go home. I'm never going to be warm and fuzzy about holidays. It's just not me. It's nice, and even kind of peaceful. I'm writing this with my daughter and my little cousin sitting on the floor next to me, and they're playing together while I type. And that's nice. But this isn't my home, and this isn't my life, not really.

I'm an outsider. A visitor. And I don't know. Maybe if I lived here, and was here all the time, it would feel normal? But because I don't, and I'm not, I'm a guest. Weird.

Anyhow. Merry Christmas to everyone. Happy Yule. Happy Holidays. Be well, and happy, and I hope everyone had a good day.

Secret word of the week

New word of the week is:

Backlog

Take it any way you want.

Love, Crystal.

Being alone

Or rather, living alone. I was thinking about it, yesterday. When I finally move to Nevada, which will happen eventually, although I'm not sure when. It's mostly a matter of paperwork at this point. My Dad will be helping me with that. Except for the month and a half or so before I had my daughter, I've never really lived completely alone. I mean, yes, I lived alone with my daughter. But completely alone, just me. Not really. I always lived with someone. Monkey, or a roommate, or a boyfriend. Always someone. Never just *me*. So when I finally go to Nevada, and get my own place...it will be just me. And that's kind of a daunting idea. Not an unpleasant one, just...strange. It's odd to think of myself as a thirty year old woman who has never really lived completely on my own.

I'm trying to decide where in Nevada I want to be based. I know for certain that I don't want to be in Reno. It's not my style. Nor do I want to be precisely where my parents are. That's a little too remote for me. I guess I need to sit down with my parents and scout out what's available to me, and what my options are. I need to talk to some people and go around and see precisely what will and won't work. Because I know myself well enough to know that I don't want to be completely isolated. But neither do I want to live in a bustling city. There has to be some sort of middle ground. I wish I was more familiar with the area. Dad will know. Perhaps I should call them. In fact, I think I will call them. I'm already a pain in their asses, a little more certainly isn't likely to hurt much.

I'm feeling a little out of sorts, with the holidays and 'Chelle ill, and things so awkward in my life. I'm off center, and I don't know how to handle that. It's unlike me to not know how to handle things. My normal way of handling this is to simply bolt. And I know this is not an option now. Neither is giving orders. I've definitely met my match, as giving orders now doesn't work in these circumstances. He basically tells me to shove it. And I can't particularly argue, because he's generally right. I'm not used to someone who can stand up to me. I'm not used to having someone who is so evenly matched with me. In every way. It's a very peculiar feeling.

When life isn't fair

My best friend had a heart attack. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I can't help. I can't make it better. There is abso-fucking-lutely nothing I can do. I am powerless in the face of this kind of horror. It's a week before Christmas, and her children are terrified. My godsons are scared to death, even though they don't know precisely what's going on. The hospital can't release her, because they aren't altogether certain why she had the attack in the first place, which means there isn't a concrete way to prevent it. They aren't certain what's damaged. The doctors are basically unsure of, well, anything. Fucking yay.

And I'm angry, and afraid and...what? Disturbed. And frustrated. Because I don't like the feeling of being so powerless to not be able to help. Yes, everyone pulled together to put Christmas together for the boys. Because that's what we do, when it needs to be done, and that's handled. And the things that needed to be handled have been handled. The basic day-to-day details are in good shape. But that doesn't change the fact that she's sitting in a hospital room, and for the most part I can't even really go and visit.

Stupid lack of an immune system. With everyone in creation in a hospital carrying germs, I more or less have to stay clear, because I can't risk going and picking up an infection of any sort that will make me sick. So I'm basically completely useless. Yes, I risked it when she called from the ER, because I couldn't not go. But now that she's been admitted, it would be great folly indeed to just hang about in a hospital and I know better. Especially right on the heels of my own physician having told me to steer clear of large crowds and places where I know there will be germs.

And it sucks. And I don't like it. And I don't know what to do.

Hmmm

Just random blogging tonight, from me. I just watched a movie that I rather enjoyed, called "In The Land Of Women". It came out in 2006, although I don't remember hearing anything about it in theaters during that year, so chances are it wasn't very big, or it was independent, so it didn't make much noise. But I enjoyed it. You can check out the synopsis on IMDB if you're interested in seeing what it's all aboot and whatnot.

I love my Netflix account, because it enables me to watch stuff like that, without having to be buying films left and right and blowing a lot of cash I don't have.

I'm rather happy right now. I enjoyed my day today. I cleaned my room, and reorganized a bookcase, to make some space for candles, and to fit some other things on those shelves. I've done some laundry. Ate some Chinese food. Watched the movie. Just basically had a calm day. I'm listening to MP3's right now, through headphones. I have my cat curled up right here next to me, and we're just chilling out. It's very peaceful.

My dad is home from his back surgery. It went very well, and that makes me happy. I was worried, because I know he had problems coming out of the last surgery. I don't like hospitals, and I like them even less when they tell me they're keeping my dad. So I'm glad he's home and safe. Christmas is coming up, and I wanted him home and safe. I feel better now that I know he's home.

I'm torn, right now. I'm somewhere in between restless and content. I'm restless because I want to be with my Monkey for Christmas, and I know I'm not going to, because it's too far for me to make the haul over the mountain passes, and it's too expensive to make the trek, and with a slight headcold I know better, because it turns into pneumonia *every single time*. But I still am restless because it's the holidays and I want my baby. But I'm content, because I know that I'll be with someone I love for Christmas too. It's just kind of conflicting for me. It's very hard, to have to try and make peace with it. Next year will be easier, because I will be nearby, and when I want to watch her open presents, I will be right there. I will like that. I don't like being so far away. It's strange, the idea of wanting to be near my family, because I've not felt a pull to be close to family before. It's a strange feeling for me.

I was talking to my Mom about this, the other day. I can still remember vividly the shocking feeling of asking someone how to get home when I was lost when they first moved to where they live now. And having this complete stranger look at me and say "Oh, you're Jack's daughter. Hi there." And then point me toward home. Because being his daughter is a good thing. And the feeling of being accepted immediately because he is so very well loved there, and that just peaceful feeling of belonging to him...god that felt good. "My Daddy loves me". Because I always knew that. And my Dad loves me just as much. And I know that, unquestioningly. Just like I always knew Daddy loved me. But going to a place where somebody looked at me, and said "Oh, you're his daughter". Because I never had that. Not ever. And I want to go and live somewhere like that. And have him close by, where I can drop by and see him, whenever I want. I do want that.

And I'm babbling. So I'll shut up now. Stupid holidays. This is lame. Sentiment looks all sappy and weird on me. Blarg. I'm going to go find ice cream now, and watch the most horrible movie or television show I can think of, that has absolutely no sentiment involved in it. Because this is lame. Damn the holidays!

G'nite internets.

Secret word of the week

Good morning, internets. It's a lovely Sunday morning, and it's that time again. Sunday morning word of the week. I haven't picked out the word for the week yet, so I'll be perusing through my various sites until I see something that strikes my fancy, and then I'll be hopping back here to post it.

This week's word of the week is:

halcyon


As in...

These are the halcyon days we missed...and I am enjoying them...

Happy Christmas (war is over)

It's a song title, actually. I downloaded it today. It's one of the very few Christmas songs that I really really like. And I had the lyrics running through my head today, and so I wanted to listen to the song. It's playing right now, in the background while I write this blog. The song is by John Lennon, for those of you who are unfamiliar with it.

This year has been chaotic for me. I have felt as though nothing would ever be alright again. I don't even know which end is up half the time anymore. Every time I turned around, I was crying, or screaming, or just spinning around like a top.

I changed my entire life around, because I was unhappy. I needed to change things. And change is frightening. And I'm still terrified. I have hurt people I love. I have wounded people. I have angered people. I have made bad decisions. I have made mistakes and I'll probably still make mistakes.

I can't help any of those things. I'm human. But in the end, I did the right thing, for the right reasons.

I woke up this morning, and I was happy. I am happy. I will do everything in my power to not screw this up this time. I want this more than anything. I don't want to run away, and I don't want to hide.

All I want is to love you. I want to feel loved and safe and happy. I meant what I said. Second to Dana, you're the most important thing in the world to me. And I'm happy.

Happy Holidays, internets.

Behind these eyes

Are a thousand thoughts, a constant stream of fluctuating feelings. And one dream.

Hold me. Brush the hair off my face, and tell me that it's still all right, and that I'm still safe.

I'm still torn and broken. Let me heal.

Secret word of the week

Today is Sunday and this week's word of the week is:

Pre-sequitur.

Have a nice day, boys and girls.

Sadness

God, I don't want to cry anymore. I'm sick of it. It's so pathetic and stupid. I feel like a pathetic sad loser. This is the stupid shit that *girls* do. He doesn't want me, fine. Great. Suck it up. Get over it. He's obviously going to do whatever he's going to do, because he isn't listening to me. He isn't listening to anyone but her. My guess would be that he won't sit down and talk to anyone at all about this anyhow. If he tried talking to anyone except me about it, he might get told that it's a bad idea, and then he'd have to deal with the idea that more people than me would advise him of that, and taking advice isn't his strong suit.

Maybe I'm just being bitter. Maybe I've earned the right to be bitter? Who knows. I don't understand anything anymore. Why the fuck anyone would deliberately go looking for something else when they're perfectly happy with what they had makes no sense to me.

I have never felt anything close to how he makes me feel. I have never felt as desired by anyone in my life. I don't know how he can look at me that way, can hold me that way...and then tell me he loves someone else. The emotional bond is there. The trust is there. The connection is there. We laugh. We talk. All of the things that would ordinarily make for good compatibility are there. There is no denying just how easily we fall into each other, and how well we fit together. You had trouble keeping your hands off of me...and then, suddenly, you love her? You can't handle this, and you ran to her. And now I'm lost. And I hurt. And I'm left behind.

You say you want to keep me close. You won't leave me behind. Things will stay the same. You don't want to lose me, that I'm too important to you to risk losing. That in the last few months I've become too important to risk losing. You were so worried about that.

And not even two days have passed, and you won't even talk to me. And here I sit, alone. Once again, alone. I tried to tell you that she wouldn't allow it, that she couldn't handle the idea of you being close to me. No one ever can. And I always get left behind.

I'm always the woman who is good enough to play games with for sex...but I'm never the woman who's worth loving enough to stay with. And I'm always the woman who gets left behind, because no one is willing to fight for me.

So I'll cry. And when the tears dry, I'll have my memories this time. And I'll love you, because I can't do anything else but that. And you'll either remember or forget, because that's up to you. Everything always was. And I don't believe anymore that you don't love me. I think you're afraid of it. And that's okay. I hurt you. I didn't deserve you. I don't deserve you. But I love you. I love you more than she can, or will. And I understand you in a way I don't think she can.

You tell me you've forgiven me for the past. They say that time heals everything, and if that's true, then someday maybe you'll look around, and realize that the past is gone, and the person I am now is worth your time. And there's nothing for you to fear. You didn't give me the same chance that you're so willing to give her, and she was and is disloyal and wronged you badly. And that seems unfair to me. I'm sorry that that seems harsh to you. You can look at me, and make love with me, and hold me, and wake with me. But you won't give me the same chance you'll give her. And that hurts. That alone is the one thing you've done that's injured me. You'd give her a chance you refuse to give me.

My tears will stop. The pain will ease. But I miss you. And I'm sorry that you're gone, because this isn't what I wanted. I didn't want you to go. Even if the 'escapades' ended, I didn't want to lose you.

Goodbye my friend/lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let them frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the mother of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.


Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.


--not written by me--
--author unknown--

Circles

Maybe I'm simply destined to have this ache forever. Perhaps I should just learn to live with it, and move from there. I want to hold you. I want to make everything all right for you, and make the pain stop. Because I know that I can. Because I know that you can be happy.

I want to understand you. I want to be a part of you, the way that you're a part of me. And I don't believe that she's going to make you happy. But I'll step back, and step away, and wait. I'll even attempt to keep my comments to myself, because it isn't fair to you to keep running my mouth. This isn't high school, and we're all adults. And you've made your choice.

And I'll be all right. As long as you can maintain without the weirdness, I can keep the facade in place. And that's what I need from you, right now. I need to maintain. Without that, I'll bolt, because I don't know what else to do. And I don't want to do that. I have to trust what you're telling me, because I can't do anything else. But I am extremely skittish about trusting anyone at their word.

You haven't lied to me. I respect that. Even while it's hurting me, you haven't lied. Please honor that request I made, and I should be okay.

I hope.

Nevada

So I'm thinking about it. Nevada. There really isn't anything holding me in Fresno anymore. For a long time, Danny held me here, because his job is here. So I'm thinking about Nevada now, because the reasons I had before are no longer valid. I won't be going in a hurry, because such things take time, and it's somewhat complicated, the uprooting of a life and moving out of state, and I've been here a long time now. But I suspect that it will happen. My daughter is there, and my parents. Family. And the things that are still here, the things I love that are still here in Fresno...well, I can't stay here for them. I just can't.

The truth is that I hate this stupid town. I've hated it a long time. I've wanted to leave for so long that it's just become a constant ache that I ignore now. And there honestly isn't a good reason anymore to stay.

It's time, now, to start the process of putting things into motion. A slow process, to be sure. But a process nonetheless. I wish I could take the people I love with me, but that won't be possible.

Horoscopes for the day?

These are horoscopes from December 2, 2007:

In one of your newer relationships, things are well on their way toward gaining real momentum. This is a partnership built on mutual respect and a shared sense of what is the right thing to do. It is rare to find a person who brings out the best in you no matter what mood you're in. This is a person you can rely on -- a person you should rely on. You are starting to align yourself with the people who deserve you.

Do not push any of your relationships -- especially the romantic ones -- past their natural dynamic right now. As much as you might be itching for a major change, you cannot force things to go in a certain direction ... if it is meant to happen, it is meant to happen at a certain time. And that time is not today. So right now, just let things take their course. If you do, you will learn an invaluable lesson about patience and giving up some control.

****

Ok, so mind you, I didn't even see these until the *end* of today. Which makes them all the more creepy. Primarily because I don't actually read horoscopes daily. I tend to read them when I'm bored, and they're for entertainment. Weird. And they're not both mine. I actually read a bunch of different ones, for various people I care about. Because I'm strange like that. So yes, anyhow. Really oddball horoscopes for the day.

I'm going to go and curl up under my blankets now, because I'm very creeped out to begin with, because some weird random crashing noise commenced earlier, and Mona and I are both freaked out by it. There are no boys around, and the loud crashing didn't help. It's just one of those days where I'm easily spooked. It sucks.

Secret word of the week

The word of the week is:

"desideratum"

and

"ersatz"

Goodbye to you

The bruises on my skin will fade fast. The bruises on my heart? Not as quickly. But fade they will. And the time approaches when things will change. Because things always change. Semantics aside, I didn't lie. I didn't even try to lie. And I suspect that you chose to forget what I said to you. I asked you for nothing. I still ask for nothing. Nothing more than what we have. I stood in the rain, and I told you the straight, unvarnished truth. I love you. Without boundaries. Without limits, and without complications. And it scared you so much that all you could tell me was that you can't be that man for me. I didn't ask you to be anything for me. I'm still not asking you to be anything.

My heart is whole again. Bruised, to be sure. But no longer broken. The gaping wounds of the past are gone now. The scars will fade now, and the pain of the injuries I've carried for so long can heal. I won't try to say that I don't feel anything. That would be a lie. I will say that what I feel and how I'll handle it are my concern, and that I will be fine. You need not fear for my injury. I'm stronger than that.

I knew what I was getting into. I have no regrets. And when it ends, I'll still have no regrets. Because I'm whole now. Because I have back what I lost, and I can move forward without regrets, and move on. With or without you, I have that now. You gave me that.

You've given me a lot of things. Then. Now. Always. A way to be someone who could love, even though I did it wrong the first time. Someone who could be gentle, and kind and loyal. Someone who was valued for more than what I believed. You gave me a reason to believe in myself, and to trust. I'll still have that.

And in the end...I still have you.

Updates from everything

Dana came into town, to visit, for like an hour last weekend, and because it's been a decade, Phillip came with me to see her. I had my mom take this picture, and so here it is. She's eleven, now. The baby she was, when I knew him, is not the girl she is now. So watching him look at her is kind of interesting for me. She's growing up fast. She'll be a teenager before I can blink, almost. She likes boys now, and she can wrap almost anyone around her little finger when she blinks those big blue eyes at them.

And she knows it. She's a menace to society, that one. Good thing she lives out in the middle of nowhere. Now if only I could figure out a way to construct some kind of force field around the property...(ponder for later contemplation).

Anyhow. Nothing very interesting is going on right now, but I still thought I'd toss up the update. I'll have a new word of the week up tomorrow, as always. I'll probably throw up a new blog later tonight. Right now, I'm going to go in search of my space heater, because I'm freezing cold, and no matter what I do, I seem to be getting more cold instead of less cold. It's kind of annoying.

my heart and thoughts are mine to keep
when i'm awake and while i sleep
nothing you do, nothing you say
will cause me to give those thoughts away
some things are better left unsaid
those things you seek are best left unread
i seek nothing more than what i claim
i ask of you nothing, i feel no shame
i know the risks, i know the rules
i know the game, i'm not a fool
don't try to change me
don't ask me to lie
let me have my fun
then let me say goodbye