Monday, May 28, 2007

I absolutely hate medical professionals.

Especially the ones who neglect to tell patients things that they *need* to know. Depo-provera has been recommended by the actual manufacturers to not be used for more than 3 years consecutively. I've never had any doctor tell me that. I've been on it for ballpark 10 years. So I've been sick for the last 24 hours or so, nauseous, headaches, some other stuff. Just annoying basic crap. But I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so miserable. So I went poking about. And remembered that I went off the shot. So I randomly went searching to see if maybe there were withdrawal symptoms? There are about a boatload. And a lot of other warning things that once again I've never had any doctor mention to me.

So in addition to being physically miserable, there's also the lovely aspects of hormone imbalance that has no estimated time frame for when it's over. Oh fucking yay.

So yes, pissiness all around.

Bah.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Depression

Depression sucks. Completely, there's no doubt about it. Depression is a soul-sucking, miserable experience. Chronic depression is worse. It's one thing to have a really bad day, and be bummed out about it. But when that one really bad day spirals until you feel as though everything is awful and there's no way out, that's worse. Because no matter how hard you try, looking for the bright side seems impossible.

And that's how my depression works. It's why I have anti-depressants. And I take them when I need to, which keeps me level. But I'd gone off them a couple of months ago, because things had started to run smoothly for me, and life felt great. I had hope. I had goals. I had a lot of things.

But now I've crashed, and I crashed incredibly hard. There's normally a trigger for me. And I know most of my triggers, so I avoid them like the plague. But this time, there seemed to be no specific trigger. It started out as just the blahs, and I didn't notice in time. By the time I realized what was going on, I was completely out of control.

My entire apartment has been darkened. And I mean that literally. I have my bedroom turned into a dark cave, all the time. Which makes for great sleep, but doesn't give me any inclination to wake up. The living room has curtains blocking out the sun, mostly to help with PG&E bills to conserve energy, but the end result is still darkness. And with the lack of sunlight, I get more sad. And more overwhelmed.

Fast forward to some drama, and a complete and total meltdown a few days ago. Sleeping 18-20 hours a day again, and just wanting to not deal with anything. And I woke up this morning, and realized how far I'd fallen down.

So I turned to some friends. Danny asked if I wanted to go anywhere today, and I told him no, automatically. And then mentally checked myself, and called my friend Kat. I've been meaning to go over and visit with her, because I hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks. The same weeks I've spend falling down into the dumps. Kat got a new kitten they're calling Tequila, and I wanted to meet her, so I forced myself to call her and leave the apartment. It was good for me, to get out, to get a healthy dose of Kat's persevering spirit, and the optimism that I'm sorely lacking. And I thank her for it. Dragging my ass out in spite of myself helped, and her cheery attitude also helped.

Then I called 'Chelle. She's been sick for a couple of weeks, and so I couldn't hang out with her, which also sort of added to my whole depression slump. Not in any way her fault, just one of those things. So I talked to her and she reminded me of 'fake it till you make it', or something along those lines. Pretend I'm happy, until I stop being miserable. It's how I used to deal. I could always be counted on for an acerbic comment and a dose of reality in spite of whatever was going on. Yeah, okay, most people use pretending to be happy, but sarcasm works better for me. Being cynical about the world soothes something for me. I'm good with that. So I dragged my ass into gear, and have proceeded to start moving in the forward direction again.

Life certainly isn't going to just stop revolving because I'm having problems. Time to buck up, and tackle it on my own. So I'm beginning to do just that. Today I bothered to actually cook a meal and function like a person again. I showered, I washed my hair. I played with the cat.

Tomorrow will bring a lot of housework and laundry that needs to be done, because in my funk I pretty much haven't been doing anything. Bills will need to have the numbers run, and things will start reverting to normal. Well, at least for what passes for normal for me. I'll feed the cat. I'll get some exercise, outside, in the actual sunlight. Well, maybe not in the sunlight for the exercise, but I will go outside. Clothes will get put away. Dishes will be washed. Floors will be vacuumed. Life will go on.

Whether or not I want it to, life always seems to do that, because I'm too stubborn to bother offing myself. Even at the height of my depressions, suicide never really seems like a valid answer for me. For me, getting through the day is sometimes a major accomplishment. I don't generally take the easy way out. Which is stupid of me, sometimes, but hey, that's me. So life will go on. The sun will rise, the bills will get paid. Things will go on tomorrow, they way they did a month ago.

I have to be a little more careful than normal people. Take things a little easier, so I don't accidentally send myself into a lupus flare-up, or catch some stupid illness that will knock me backwards. I can't afford to stress myself out too much, or really bad things will happen. Which is why I decided it's time to pick myself up and move on. Because I *can't* afford the stress. I can't afford to be depressed until I give up completely, and end up losing my mobility again, or worse. I won't give up everything I achieved by busting my ass to get better again, just because I had a depression spell.

I won't. I'm stronger than that.

Queue song lyrics here: (Matchbox 20 - Bent):
If I fall along the way
Pick me up and dust me off
If I get too tired to make it
Be my breath so I can walk
If I need some other loving
Give me more than I can stand
When my smile gets old and faded
Wait around, I'll smile again
Shouldn't be so complicated
Just hold me and then
Just hold me again
Can't you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put together
Keep breaking me in
And this is how we will live
With you and me bent
If I couldn't sleep could you sleep?
Could you paint me better off
Could you sympathize with my needs?
I know you think I need a lot
I started out clean but I'm jaded
Just fold me in
Just breaking the skin
Can't you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together
Keep breaking me in
And this is how we will live
With you and me bent
Start bending me
It's never enough
Till I feel all your pieces
Start bending me
Keep bending until I'm completely broken in
Shouldn't be so complicated
Just touch me and then
Touch me again
Can't you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together
Keep breaking me in
And this is how we will end
With you and me living
Without understanding
Hell, I'll go there again
Can't you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together
You're breaking me in
And this is how we end
With you and me bent


Unqueue lyrics.

Ahh, good old Matchbox 20. I think this is the end of this post. Perhaps there will be more later. Perhaps not. Maybe tomorrow. Depends on my mood.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Little birdies

Aww, how sad. So it's come to my attention that my blogspot has a very interested group reading my posts. How amusing for me, and how sad for them. I still post what I like, when I like. There hasn't really been anything for me to poke fun at in regard to them in a while, mostly because honestly, I don't care a whole lot. But hey, if they're going to do the equivalent of stalk my blogs, then it seems fair that they get what's coming to them.

Poor, unfortunately souls. It's sad, that's true. That one longing to be smarter, this one longing to be rich. That one wanted to get the girl, and guess what it do'd? (Yes, bad, I know). He got the girl, and the girl is nuts. Poor guy.

Not sure how it's got to feel, to be so desperate to be loved that you'll take whatever offers. I wouldn't know. Settling for someone to love me hasn't ever been something I needed to do.

Oh, shame on me. Being so cocky and egotistical. But it's true. I'm too smart to have fallen over the years into the desperation trap. I never particularly minded being alone, thus never had to settle for some poor schmuck to love me. Must suck to have to settle like that. It's bound to eat you up inside, dealing with something that you don't really want, just to not be alone.

I really am a bitch, right? I can hear you thinking it. And you know what? It's true, I'm quite a bitch. But that doesn't make it any less fun for me. See, I can afford to be snotty and cocky. I'm loved. I'm well taken care of. And I didn't have to settle for some half-wit lame brain to accomplish it. Yay for me. Bad for you.

Well, this little post has cheered me up some for the day. Being bad is just *so much fun*. I'd almost forgotten how much I enjoyed it. So, keep reading little birdies. If you're stupid enough to stalk me, you're also dumb enough to not realize that just walking away would have been the better choice.

Awwwww, poor little peanut. Shoo, now. Go have a nervous breakdown because someone was mean to you and mocked your poor, sad, pathetic little life.

See ya.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Decisions

I have decisions to make. I don't like it. I don't like anything about it. Danny tells me to wait a few days and think about things, so that is what I'm going to do.

I feel hurt. I feel angry. I feel betrayed and lonely. I feel a lot of things.

Which leaves me back at square one, with decisions to make.

If and when I figure out what to do, I will let all parties who need to know, know. Possibly through internet communication, since I've spent the better part of today crying about every ten minutes. And it's very difficult to cry and speak at the same time, I will stick with the ease of communication provided by the internet and email.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Hip Hip Hooray!!!

That would be three cheers for my dear friend Melissa Gartenlaub, who called me earlier this evening to pass on some wonderful news. She is the mother of three gorgeous children, and called to let me know that her complete assface of an ex-husband wants to give up his parental rights, so that her new husband (who is awesome, btw) can adopt the kids. Hip hip hooray!!! Basically, assface just doesn't want to have to pay child support in any way/shape/form, and wants to know what he can do to get out of it. Hence, the adoption of the kids to the good guy. YAY!!!

Did you notice I'm excited for her? Because I am. Totally. That news actually improved what's been quite a shitty week for me.

In other news. Microsoft basically sucks major nuts. Evidentally, in spite of the fact that they *knew in advance* that our Xbox 360 had been opened in the attempt of repairing it ourselves, since they'd mistakenly informed us that it was out of warranty, they've decided that they refuse to have anything to do with repairing the unit. Because it's been tampered with. It's still in warranty, but the warranty has been voided due to tampering. And on and on and on. Danny spent like a half hour on the phone with a tech rep who you could just tell was thoroughly stumped about how completely screwed up the whole ordeal has been. So it looks like I'll be playing my PS2 for a while. Which is fine, since there are games I can play on the PS2 that I like, and it should be fine. But Microsoft has once again proven exactly how bad they suck. We're supposed to call back in 3 days to find out if they've resolved *their* problems, and tracked down what happened. Joy.

OK. Money problems suck, check. People who used to be my friends suck, check. My parents are bonkers, check. Well, to be fair, my parents are only bonkers because they're crazy enough to be trying to move about an hour from where they are, and get married, in the same ten-day time-span. Which by my reckoning makes them freaking crazy. We're still supposed to be going up there for the wedding, but we definitely won't be staying at the house. They've already got a complete houseful. It's a hotel for us. Whee.


Gas is ridiculous right now. It's over 3.50 a gallon, and that's for the cheap stuff. So I basically am staying completely put at home, because I'm not willing to pay to drive around. I love my car, but it's a complete gas-hog. The Saturn gets great mileage, but since we don't have a lot of money, I don't really want to randomly drive around in that either. But the not-driving thing might actually accomplish us being able to pay down some on our gas credit card. That'd be nice.

I hung curtains today, in my apartment. All by myself. Well, they're sort of pretend curtains, but they're doing what I needed accomplished, and I climbed up and down on a footstool to accomplish it, so I'm kind of proud. My balance is very wonky, so I was proud that I managed to get off and on the stool without falling or getting hurt or anything stupid like that.

I used to have a program called DietPower that tracked all my eatings habits and exercise and whatnot, but it was a strictly PC based program, and it's sorely out of date and wouldn't run on my Mac anyhow. I liked using it though, because it made it a lot easier for me to keep track of things. And while I was reading through a website on Fibromyalgia and weight loss today, I stumbled across a website called FitDay. What they do is essentially what my DietPower program did. But it's web-based and free. So I signed up, and will be keeping track of things for myself on there. I haven't decided yet whether or not I want to link my account there to this account, because I'm not altogether sure I want people knowing my weight and that sort of things on the internet. FitDay has a section for journalling, and I suspect that I'll be able to journal about my weight better on there than I can here as a general thing.

My cat does not like my new curtains, as they prevent him from getting into the windows. I'm not sure how long the curtains will survive, or whether he'll eat them. We shall see. But they're pretty and a dark purple velvet. I like them. (Yes, still proud of my accomplishment).

Ok, as a last thing. Hip hip hooray again for Melissa and her family, because that really did lift my spirits today, and I needed it.

See everybody later.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Vote for President 2008

I would vote for this man, if he could manage to get all the way onto the ballot on the Democratic party nomination: Mike Gravel. Unfortunately for me, he probably won't. Nobody's really heard of him. But the issues he's platforming on are all things I agree with, and would wholeheartedly support if he can make it onto the ballot.

Check him out. It's worth looking at.

On common sense

And life skills. Which I suppose are generally more or less the same thing. At least, they are to me. Common sense dictates life skills. Or at least makes living life more pleasant most of the time.

Example A: You know that you're going to need clean clothes for work for the next week. You know that you have (x) amount of pants/shirts/socks/etc. You know that you will run out of pants and socks before the end of the work week. What do you do?

Well, if you're me, you look at the amount of clothes versus when you'll run out, and you go start doing the laundry. If you lack common sense, you wait until the night before you're out of clothes, and then frantically throw in a half load of a pair of socks and a pair of pants, so that you have one clean outfit for the next day. Nevermind the fact that you could have washed six pairs of pants in one load. You only need one pair for tomorrow, why do an entire load? And better yet, why bother doing the laundry several days in advance, if you're only going to be one pair short?

I don't get that. If I know I'm going to be cooking a fairly complicated meal, I make sure the kitchen is clean. And I don't wait until 15 minutes before it's time to start cooking to check whether or not it's clean.

Common sense rules. Keep an eye on what groceries are or are not in the kitchen pantry. Keep an eye on whether or not there's enough toilet paper. Know how much laundry detergent is left. Don't wait until the milk is *gone* to go get more. It's very hard to eat cereal without milk.

And that's more or less how I order things around me. Is there enough shampoo for the rest of the week? There's not? Then chances are if you check the closet there will either be a new bottle, or it will be on today's list for something to pick up. Rarely will the entire bottle be completely empty before the replacement is in the house. Got cat food? Even if the containers are empty, there's a very good chance there's a refill bag of food *somewhere* in the house.

That's just me. So it thoroughly puzzles me when nobody can plan for things. As though they figure the magic brownies are going to appear in the night and solve the problems that might come up. Let me assure you, the fucking brownies don't solve household issues. They're not the ones remembering you're going to need toilet paper and deodorant.

I just don't get it. I'd say it's a man thing, but I know that's not true. Not all men are incapable of the whole "plan out what's going to happen" thing. I've known a few who can keep a running table in their heads of household-related things. So what's the deal? What is it inside people's heads that make them so different from me when it comes to organization? What am I missing?

Do I have a few too extra bits in my head, or do they have a few too few in theirs? I wish I knew.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Well it's official

We're not going to make it. Money-wise that is. I've trimmed everything down to the base minimum that I can, and there just isn't any way to make the amounts going out smaller. And now I genuinely don't have a clue what the hell to do. No matter what I do, on the first of June, we're 400 dollars negative. There just isn't enough money to go around. And that's predicated on the fact that I don't buy any groceries at all for the rest of this month, or at all next month. That's just base bills. Somehow I need to find a way to recoup approximately 1000 dollars, to get us to someplace vaguely similar to level. The credit cards are maxed. And it isn't like I'm spending money, because I'm not. I'm not even driving my car anywhere, because I don't want to use the gas. Being broke sucks.

So if any of you have money that you want to give to me, at this point, I'm taking donations. Evidentally I only have to manage until the second week in July, and I can start making things balance again. But for right now, donations/repayments of loans/magic money trees, I'm accepting from all sources.

See ya...

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Funny Funny


I find this amusing. And, well...appropriate:

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Confabu-what?

So last night I was having this weird thing happen to my thumb. For reference, it happens regularly, and I never really think anything of it. It's this twitch that my left thumb does. It's pretty funny to watch my thumb move up and down completely of its' own accord. So I called Danny over to come see my funny thumb thing. He flipped out. Mind you, there actually isn't anything wrong with me. At least, I don't think there is. My weird thumb notwithstanding.

And then there are the weird memory gaps. As in, I can tell every now and then that I *should* be able to remember something, but nothing comes up. And evidentally there are times when I think I've remembered something, but what I think I'm remembering either didn't exist at all, or it happened, just not when I thought it did. Hence, confabu-what?

The word is actually confabulation. How interesting, there actually *is* a word for my fucked up memory. Whoopee. So yeah, read all about it. Providing that that link I tried to put here works. Not sure, never really tried before.

What else is going on in the world? Or at least, in my world. Not much, to be honest. I've felt like crap for a few days. Been sleeping a lot. I'm pretty well powering my way through the television show "Charmed" still. I'm on season six. It's fun, haven't decided if it's worth buying for me though. Not right now, at any rate.

Katie basically completely ignored me when I asked her about the money that we loaned her that enabled her to even get the job she has now. Which I guess puts her right up there with Courtney on the asshat meter. Courtney also has no intention of paying us back. So I guess I'll be suing them, because fucked if I'm going to just wave bye-bye to a thousand dollars. That's ridiculous. Even if we don't get the funds back, it'll screw up both of their credit reports, the judgement from a court to pay. Maybe it's spiteful and vindictive, but at this point...meh. Although I'm thinking about personally dropping in on Katie at her job to hand over the court paperwork. Courtney can get hers from the local Sheriff's department. What a way to start out a new marriage, by getting reamed by a judge for non-payment of a loan from someone you claimed was a friend. Or just not showing up in court...that would be equally bad, since generally you go to jail when you skip a court date.

What else...The new budget sucks. Budgeting in general sucks, although it looks like we'll make it. Nobody ever said it would be fun. Danny will be travelling again for a while, or so it seems. Me and Ezzie will be okay, we like spending time together.

I'm actually developing an interest in cooking. More than a passing interest, it seems. Yay for the internets and their ready supply of recipes for days. Books are awesome, but the internets seem to have a bigger selection for a much better price.

I don't really have anything interesting to blog about lately. Mostly just venting about my ex-friends who are complete jerks, and being tired. Sorry it's so boring. I'll try to think up something interesting to write about soon. I definitely couldn't be an advice columnist. I just don't have the basic good nature to do that. I'd be sitting around telling people they're stupid and to solve their own problems. Not a good trait in an advice giver.

Back later. Charmed now. Mmmm...and iced tea!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Ranting

And that's what I'm doing. I actually sent out word to everyone who owes us money. And got back? There are a couple of people who I already knew simply don't have it. I assume that they'll get it to me as soon as they can, since I still have contact with those couple, and so I actually feel a little sympathy toward them.

But for the most part, I'm thoroughly sick of everybody. I didn't even get a response from some people. This is going to end up badly, I just know it. And I don't even feel bad at this point. I feel used and useless. Some friends I have, huh? Or I should probably have said "had".

I won't be even making the attempt to help out anybody again, ever. Which makes me actually feel really lousy inside, but what else can I do? Nothing. Helping out other people has done nothing at all in the end but have me end up miserable.

And I have to say, I'm tired of being miserable. Tired of worrying. Tired of even thinking about most of it. I obviously can't judge friends very well, with the exception of 'Chelle these days.

I didn't even want to get out of bed today. I just wanted to lay there and do nothing but sleep. I did get up, but even now, six hours later, I don't want to be awake. I'm too responsible to just take a bunch of drugs and keep sleeping, even when I want to. But man, that's depressing, that I want nothing more than to sleep until all my problems are solved.

How come I have to be the problem-solver? Why does it have to be me? Is there really no one else who can be the responsible one?

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

test post

You oughta know...

I'm not even sure what I wanted to write about right now. Just knew that I needed to write something. I'm in a very strange mood today. Fortunately, there isn't really anyone here to watch me be in this mood. Things are piling up again. It feels sort of like the roof is about to cave in on top of me. So many things spinning around and around.

I got busted (for lack of a better word) yesterday by the management here, because I was using the pool. Oh, the horror. Not that there was *anyone* in the pool area using it, that I would've been disturbing. But, busted nonetheless. So we went in to fill out the application to add me to the lease. I honestly am not sure whether or not they're going to be dicks about it. Things are complicated enough right now without having to worry about where I'm living. It kind of sucks.

I've finally gotten around to dealing with some emotional bullshit that I tend to just shove into a little corner and ignore. That generally works for me, putting my emotional problems into a little box and ignoring them. Until they explode, that is. It doesn't work then. I'm still angry. I'm still hurt, by what Courtney did, and how she did it. It isn't like I walk around crying my eyes out. Not my style. But on the other hand, it still hurts. She isn't the person I thought she was. She isn't the person she used to be. And I have to deal with that, and say goodbye in my own way. And I can't handle it the way I used to, by lashing out and, essentially, punishing the one who hurt me. And that was how I knew how to deal with pain. If I was hurting, I'd hurt them more. So now I'm saying goodbye to what was a friendship of more than half of my life. Maybe someday I'll be able to look back at the good things from the last 15 years, but right now, all I am is angry. Forgive and forget, not so much. I guess in my own way I forgave her. But I'll never forget. And I won't make the attempt again.

'Chelle and I have had our differences over the years. I guess I never really realized just how much she means to me, as a part of my life. This mess with Courtney has shown me some things I never really sit down and think about. I won't open myself back up to Courtney again, not now, not ever. I don't know for sure if that means that she wasn't as important as 'Chelle to me. I don't know what it means. But I have figured out something else. 'Chelle and I have had massive blowouts. And one or the other of us always drifts back and we make up. I know her, her faults, her mistakes. All the things that make her *her*. I know what she's thinking, and how she feels most of the time. She's the first person I think to call when something is going on. I know that she'll be anywhere I need her. I kind of nonchalantly refer to her as my best friend, or me as her best friend. I don't really think about it. Maybe I should. But when it comes down to it, we've both grown and changed since we first met. And we've been round and round and round. But when it comes back around, the people we finally are now, we're good people. And I'm glad we managed to hold on to that. Boys, friends, problems, differences. We pushed past it, and ended up here. And that's not a bad thing. And I'm grateful. Everyone needs one good, solid friend. And I have two. 'Chelle and Danny. Both are here without question, anytime I need them.

Okay, that was a ramble I hadn't intended on.

Looks like my mom got her house. Paperwork is going through. I'm not sure where it is, or anything else. She's still getting married at the beginning of June. I'll be going up for the wedding. I probably won't stay long, because of the stuff I have going on here at home. But it will be nice to see her married to someone who doesn't suck. And it's been nice watching her be happy for the last year and a half. In spite of all the health issues going on and whatnot, they're still happy. I wish I could be there more, spend more time with them, but I can't. My home is here. It is what it is.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Out comes the evil...

Yeah, maybe not. So tonight we are watching "The Prestige". It's pretty good, though a little slow. Neat take on the art of performer magicians.

And tomorrow I'll be spending doing a combination of things. I'll be sitting at home, waiting for a delivery. And doing laundry. And doing alterations on the clothes coming in the delivery. Loads of fun. Loads of something at any rate.

Pretty much all the electronics in my house seem to be taking a dump, one right after another. So far Danny's desktop PC, his Mac, his work laptop have all failed in one way or another. I'm starting to get a complex. Essentially every time that I touch something these days, I shoot sparks, or something zaps, and I'm thinking it has something to do with all the electronic disruptions. I've even tried to get rid of the excess energy, but nothing I've done seems to help.

It's heating up in Fresno again, so perhaps sometime soon, I'll be able to use the apartment pool instead of the gym pool. It doesn't seem to be holding steady for heat though, so I keep sticking to the heated pool.

This movie is very odd. It amounts to being Batman versus Wolverine. At least, the actors who play Batman and Wolverine. And they're both jerks in this film. Pretty entertaining nonetheless.

I'm going to go finish watching it, and possibly drink a bottle of milk, and then get some snuggles, because I've felt very odd and miserable all day, and I took it all out on Danny, even though honestly, I don't think he was intentionally trying to upset me.

And btw, Danny, I'm sorry I yelled, about the computers and the feeling stupid or whatever earlier. I'm going to believe you that you don't mean for it to end up coming across to me as me being stupid.

So yeah. Goodnight. I'll blog more tomorrow.

Just because I'm not a technogeek

Doesn't mean I'm a fucking idiot. Why can't you just listen to me? And possibly actually answer what it is that I'm asking, instead of treating me like an incompetent six year old who doesn't have a clue?

If I ask a specific question about the fucking computer, it means I have a decent idea of what I'm asking, and I'm not just fishing around in left field. When I *am* just trying to follow a concept, I FUCKING SAY THAT.

Stop treating me like I'm stupid, just because I can't dismantle a tower. Just for reference, I probably can put the damned thing together. Amazing what you can learn from a book.

If I want to know what type of tower you need, *THEN ANSWER THAT*. I'm not asking whether or not the stupid thing is going to match the color scheme, I'm asking what it needs in the way of a power supply. So don't treat me like an incompetent.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Life isn't fair

Why? Huh? Just because things are going reasonably well? I didn't *do* anything special. Yay, I loaded a load of laundry into the freaking washing machine. Yahoo. And now, for no reason I can ascertain, the *right* side of my lower back has decided it hates me. Now, the left side *always* hates me. We have an agreement. It stays down to a tolerable level, and I don't drug it into unconsciousness. That agreement had been working just fine for me, until the stupid right side decided it wanted to get into the act.

So now I'm sitting here on my stupid chair, typing, because standing, leaning, moving, thinking, walking and basically breathing fucking hurts. And it's a nice steady throb, until I do something like breathe. At which point it escalates into stabby. Yay.

So I popped some painkillers and anti-inflammatories, and if those don't work, we'll see just what else I can come up with. In the end, it might be unconsciousness for me, since my right side doesn't have the same standing agreement as the left side.

Stupid body. Stupid back. Stupid health problems. It's not fair.

And once upon a midnight clear...

Today was payday. Could've been worse. I'm quite proud of myself for my ninja skills that I utilized on the last payday, which is why we're still okay today. I guess maybe money problems are just something that everyone has to deal with, and it's an all-the-time thing. I don't really know. But things are okay.

We've decided to let Schwans go, unless we specifically order something from them. I like it, they have really good food, and it's convenient, but it's not really conducive to saving money. I think I can either duplicate, or find alternatives for all the things I buy from them, for about 1/3 of the cost. We'll probably spend some time this weekend looking around to see if we can find stuff like that. And damnit, I'm out of peas. I need peas! Which tells me my sugar kick might finally be ending, if I'm craving vegetables again instead of cake. Yay!

On a completely different note: 'Chelle went and got me headphones. She knew that Ezzie once again ate mine, which left me with no headphones to use while I watch things on my computer, and so she called to check which kind I like, and she bought me headphones. I feel so loved. Come to think of it, the last thing I really *REALLY* wanted was the game guide for Oblivion, and my hetero life partner is who got me that too. I just didn't have the money for it, and so she bought it for me as a present :) Thank joo!

Our Xbox is being shipped back to the MS guys, who swear they'll fix it, or send us a different one. Either way, we'll be back up and running soon, and I can once again submerge myself in the crack that is xbox. Wheee. I missed being able to play, so I'll be happy when it's fixed.

Things are...honestly, things are going to be okay. I spent yesterday with 'Chelle, and it always makes me remember that just the two of us out BS'ing around is fun. We share so many of the same interests, and experiences, that it makes it very pleasant to just kick back together and babble about nothing. Danny and I are doing fine. Things are just kind of motoring along.

I have a project I'll be working on for the next couple of weeks. If it all pans out, then that might help us out money-wise too. But that's like, a long-term kind of thing, so I'm not expecting immediate profit or anything from it. It cost me 10 bucks to get the supplies to work on it, and I should have a good time screwing around assembling it. That's enough for me.

I'm still working my way through "Charmed", which is still entertaining me.

Kat is still doing incredibly well with her physical therapy, even though I'm not the one who is taking her anymore. I haven't had another seizure, but I've also been being exceeding cautious about what I do. I'm kind of sad that I can't be there cheering for her while she hits all the milestones as she does it, but I'd rather someone else takes her, than risk her being in a vehicle with me driving and us getting into some type of accident and injuring her worse. She has a tall enough hill to climb without getting into an accident because of me and my random seizure thing. I'm not willing to drive anybody right now, for safety's sake.

I'm planning on writing a long letter to my aunt, because I've developed an interest in my family geneaology. I know more or less where I come from and from whom, but it would be interesting to find out all the details. I'll probably be bugging Mom and Jack for answers to my questions too, so be prepared, guys. I'll try to hold off until you're moved and married first though :)

Things are going to be okay. No matter what, things are going to be okay. Or at least, that's how I feel right now.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Birthdays and other days

Today was 'Chelle's birthday, so we went out and did birthday-acceptable things. I hope she enjoyed her day, because you're supposed to like your birthday.

In other news, it seems like my mom's world is tumbling into chaos. And there isn't a whole lot that I can do to help put it to rights. I kind of hope that it will occur to her that if she lived here in town, she could handle all the work related crap that is currently driving her insane without trouble, because she'd be local. And that there are nursing homes that her mother-in-law could be moved to, because I know she would require assisted living. And that her trouble employee could be squelched if she was local too...and we have houses here too. Just a thought. (Hi, Mom). I guess I figure I could help more if I was more nearby, but I don't have any viable options for moving to where she is...so maybe they could move closer to where I am? And bring her mother-in-law too? 'Chelle pointed me toward a decent nursing home locally...

Danny's home from work now, so I'm going to go and do Danny-oriented stuff :) Catch everybody later. A more in-depth update on me when I have time.

Oh, and Charmed ROCKS!