On loyalty and such

I've been contemplating that for the last few days. Loyalty, that is. Honor, trust, that sort of thing. I'm not perfect, the gods know that. And I accept that. Perfection isn't even something I attempt to achieve for the most part. But loyal, that I am. And I have my own specific type of honor.

I had a tag line up a few days ago that said "Loyalty is not like underwear. You don't change daily." And that's true. You're either loyal and your actions follow your words, or they don't. It actually is a black or white issue for me. You don't claim to be a confidante, someone worthy of trust and compassion, while turning around and saying the exact opposite. You don't tell secrets that were given to you to others. You're trustworthy and honest.

I'm loyal to a specific group. And those people are fully aware of who I am, and the things I believe in. Makes it easier all around for everybody, because no one has to try and figure out whether or not what they're doing will fit in with my beliefs. They're right out there for everybody to see.

I haven't always been this way. There was a time, not so long ago that I've forgotten, that I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and I didn't give a shit whether or not it hurt anybody else. As long as I was getting what I felt that I should have, or getting whatever I wanted, it mattered not in the slightest if someone else got screwed over in the process. I was an asshat. I'm not particularly proud of that.

But I am proud that I've changed from that. I still go my own way and do my own thing. But I'm very careful now to not hurt others in the process. Generally if someone gets hurt by something I've done, it wasn't intentional, and I'll try to correct it. At least, most of the time. If I've set out to hurt someone now, there are extenuating circumstances, and chances are I've been severely hurt by them first. And it takes a fair amount to get me to the point of anger. I don't have the flash-temper that I once did.

Control is a beautiful thing. Self-control. Control over your surroundings. Control in general. And I have control now. I wake up in the morning, and do what needs to be done. I take care of my friends. I take up the slack when it needs to be, and help those who are willing to help themselves. Because I can, because I have enough control now to function enough to help others.

But I've gotten to the point over the years where trying to help those who have no interest in helping themselves is useless. It's like walking up to a concrete wall, and slamming my fist into it repeatedly, sure that sooner or later that wall will give up, and I'll win. Never going to happen. So I don't put my poor fist through that anymore. Now, I look at the wall, and shake my head. Then I go find a ladder, instead of trying to punch my way through. Climbing is much more efficient than punching in that type of situation.

I'm having to re-evaluate things in my life this month. Things I never expected to need to question have become clouded. And I dislike confusion. I like things to be ordered, and neat and logical. I function best that way.

So in order to have my life in its normal logical state, I've made a few changes. I let some things go, and just walked away. I read something once where the description was along the lines of `Don't do it. She will erase you from her life the way you remove letters from a chalkboard. Completely and effortlessly.` And that's how I've decided to handle the discord that was colouring my life. I'll erase it, as I would chalk markings on a board.

The only words that can hurt me are the ones I allow to make an impact. I know this. And knowing, have chosen to no longer listen to the words. Actions speak louder than words most of the time. And actions have already proven themselves.