Being alone

Or rather, living alone. I was thinking about it, yesterday. When I finally move to Nevada, which will happen eventually, although I'm not sure when. It's mostly a matter of paperwork at this point. My Dad will be helping me with that. Except for the month and a half or so before I had my daughter, I've never really lived completely alone. I mean, yes, I lived alone with my daughter. But completely alone, just me. Not really. I always lived with someone. Monkey, or a roommate, or a boyfriend. Always someone. Never just *me*. So when I finally go to Nevada, and get my own place...it will be just me. And that's kind of a daunting idea. Not an unpleasant one, just...strange. It's odd to think of myself as a thirty year old woman who has never really lived completely on my own.

I'm trying to decide where in Nevada I want to be based. I know for certain that I don't want to be in Reno. It's not my style. Nor do I want to be precisely where my parents are. That's a little too remote for me. I guess I need to sit down with my parents and scout out what's available to me, and what my options are. I need to talk to some people and go around and see precisely what will and won't work. Because I know myself well enough to know that I don't want to be completely isolated. But neither do I want to live in a bustling city. There has to be some sort of middle ground. I wish I was more familiar with the area. Dad will know. Perhaps I should call them. In fact, I think I will call them. I'm already a pain in their asses, a little more certainly isn't likely to hurt much.

I'm feeling a little out of sorts, with the holidays and 'Chelle ill, and things so awkward in my life. I'm off center, and I don't know how to handle that. It's unlike me to not know how to handle things. My normal way of handling this is to simply bolt. And I know this is not an option now. Neither is giving orders. I've definitely met my match, as giving orders now doesn't work in these circumstances. He basically tells me to shove it. And I can't particularly argue, because he's generally right. I'm not used to someone who can stand up to me. I'm not used to having someone who is so evenly matched with me. In every way. It's a very peculiar feeling.