Open blog to the masses:

I got home on, um. Friday? No, wait. I got home Thursday night. And I didn't call anyone, and I didn't log onto the internets, because I was exhausted and sore and didn't feel altogether great, so when I got home, the only people I talked to were still in Nevada, letting them know that Tanya and I got into town, were safe, and then I got to my apartment, and shut down my phone. I saw my roommate for approximately 30 seconds, long enough to wave at her, and go into my bedroom. And no one outside of that room saw me for the next eighteen hours. Because I didn't feel good, because I hurt, and because honestly, I had been gone for days, and all I wanted to do was sleep, and lay in bed. So that's what I did. I didn't answer the phone. I didn't log onto the web. I didn't even check my email. I did nothing. I took pain pills, and I stayed in bed.

I guess I missed a lot of things during the not-answering-my-phone-and-myspacing.

Imagine that. I didn't feel a need to call everyone in creation, or check Myspace, or Facebook, or blogspot. I guess I thought the world could revolve without me for a few days, and that everything would be fine.

During my absence, I've apparently lost a couple of friends, because if I'm not available 24/7, then we're obviously not friends. Sucks to be me, huh? And I want to sit here, and try to muster up the energy to cry, but I just can't. These same people tend to ignore me for healthy amounts of time when they have other things going on, and I don't generally think much of it. I guess I always operate under the assumption that they have lives and things going on that are of a higher importance than a daily phone call to me would be, and that the world won't stop revolving if they don't check in with me. The same courtesy does not apply both ways, it would seem.

Joy, Mona and Danny saved Christmas for my friend 'Chelle, because she had some serious health and financial issues all at once, and she has two sons who wouldn't have had a Christmas, and I found that unacceptable. But because Danny and I split up recently, I don't have the normal financial resources that I used to have. So my friends pulled together, and put Christmas into play for the boys. Which was awesome of them, and I was very proud of them.

But a few days ago, I guess Joy suddenly started feeling as though she wanted kudos for her part in the Christmas deal. I got a slew of calls and text messages wanting to know why it was that 'Chelle wasn't gushing thanks all over her, or something along those lines. Now, I very much passed along thanks to Joy about the Christmas saving, and whatnot. I haven't been answering my phone, as I posted above. I haven't really been talking to anyone except Phillip in days, because honestly I'm a horrible horrible person, and I was out of town and I missed him and I wanted to spend time with him. Sue me. At any rate. The last of the text messages and phone calls that she left whining about feeling taken advantage about Christmas and how I never return her calls and basically just whining in general ended with how she feels used for spending the money that got spent, and she guesses she just isn't allowed to hang out with me anymore. When that last message came through this morning, I just kind of rolled my eyes, and decided to not say anything at all. I'm tired of it the BS. By the time I had decided to start returning calls after pulling out of my hibernation period, I'd been written off, and now I'm at the point of simply not giving a shit.

And then I opened up my chat program.

And there was a message on my chat program that said something odd, about how 'Chelle was feeling as though she was unloved or some such shit because of being not ranked high enough on my Myspace top 8? And she'd been dropped on Phil's top 8. Um. OK? So I went and looked around to see what the fuss was about. And people just kept getting pissier and pissier. And at the end of the day, my decision was to simply drop my top list on Myspace to 4, leave my boyfriend, and put my relatives as the other three. And at this point, I'm about to make four bogus accounts, make them all ME, and put up all four, and just be self-centered. I don't know why all the piss-fest. I'm not sure I even care. But it had nothing to do with me, and everybody is being snotty. The fact is that wherever she was on my top 8 is where she'd *been* on the top 8 for weeks. I hadn't changed it in a good long while. So now I'm just tired of the bitching.

To be perfectly honest, I don't much want to fight with anyone. I simply want to be happy. I am finally happy with Phillip. He and I are happy together. And all of the people around me who are bickering amongst themselves, and have a problem with the idea of him and I are making me tired.

I have waited ten years for this chance. I won't give him up. I'm sorry if my friends can't understand that. I'm sorry if it's going to cause dissension in the ranks. Sorry if they're feeling neglected and ignored and angry. But I'm not going to put him aside for them. I'm not going to put him aside for anyone.

A while ago during a conversation I said to someone that second to my daughter, he is the most important thing in the world to me. And that's true. It pissed her off, and I felt bad about that. But the easy simple truth for me is that I was given something precious, and I will hold it with both hands, and treasure it. I learned a hard lesson, and will value it accordingly. Words have value. And treating someone with the respect they deserve means something.

I will continue to treat people the way I would want to be treated, whether they treat me that way or not. And I will continue to be happy with Phillip, because I have that opportunity.

Everyone who doesn't wish us well can go their own way. I'm sorry for that, but if that's the way it has to be, so be it.