With a whole heart

On one level, I lived without you, and very well too. I had a good life. Friends and a family and a partner. I had a good life. I did the best I could, with what I had left, once you were gone. I either couldn't, or wouldn't, save myself. But I did the best I could, with what was left of me. And that had to be enough. I had had the all-encompassing blast of love that came with loving one man with everything I had, and it had overpowered me. It was my weakness, and my mistake. Or perhaps the ability to give everything to one man is a strength.

I have never resolved my feelings for you. I had never forgiven, or accepted. I'd simply walled it all off, and forgotten. And I needed to resolve it, with a whole heart, one way or another. Either embrace how I felt, or feel, or let it go, without malice or complication. Either way, I need to resolve those feelings, with a whole heart. Because without that completion, I'll never be free of it. And I'll never be whole. I'll always be vulnerable and broken, as though a piece of me is missing.

You were the one man who ever caused me true emotional pain. Your actions inadvertently dictated how I would live my life and how I would respond to situations for such a very long time that it completely amazes me that I never once put all those associations together into one cohesive form. Never even realized where the starting point was, and assembled the memories to know how it all began.

But you were also the one man who I allowed inside enough to bring pleasure and happiness as well. The one who was allowed to touch me, who I never flinched back from. I never felt the need to hide from you. I trusted you, with everything. Even what I cannot remember, I know I trusted you with. I know it in every touch, every thought, every feeling that passes through me when I look at you. I know it when you pin me down, and I don't feel a need to try and escape. And I know it when I can laugh instead of fear when I'm trapped. Because I know there's no reason to fear.

I know that a misstep can lead to a tumble, and that the fall down a very slippery slope is a long fall indeed. No one knows that better than I do. But I remember well the taste and texture of you. Whatever the risks. Whatever the cost, I needed to *know*. And now I do. There's still heat between us. But wanting you with my body means so very little. Fire is easily lit. Easily extinguished. I don't expect more. But I hope for it. The chance to get to know one another again. The time to get to know each other. We've both changed. Some things stayed the same. Some things changed.

Which leads me to now, today, the foreseeable future. Everything is in a state of flux, and during this time, I need to finally resolve things. My heart is going to need to be whole again, one way or another. It might mean loving you again. It might mean just letting you go, without malice and remembering the good times without the pain. Enjoying what we have, without the pain of what I lost. Being with you makes me feel whole again. It's been a long time since I felt that way, and because of that, it frightens me. And my natural reaction is to block the feelings, because vulnerability is dangerous. I don't think you'll intentionally wound me again. But it's difficult just the same, to simply say whatever it is that I'm feeling, for fear of having it thrown in my face.

Time...time to heal. Time to talk. Time to regroup. Time to resolve with a whole heart.