Rocking out...?

Maybe not. I have Nickelback's "rockstar" in my head, and playing on my iTunes, actually. I'm thinking about doing something outrageous to my hair, and to my look. Maybe just doing something outrageous in general.

I feel as though I'm falling faster and faster and I can't stop it, and I'm not even sure I want to. It's worse at night. Old music that used to have meaning for me is once again having meaning for me, and making me ponder old feelings. Lots of old feelings are resurfacing. Probably why I'm contemplating doing something shocking to my looks.

I am angry. I am angry and I am alone. I did the right thing, for the right reasons, which is great. Yay for me. I made the sane, responsible choice. I did the adult thing. And I am slowly moving on. Moving forward? Perhaps. But I am alone. And it isn't fair to expect me to be happy and smiling all the time. I am angry, because it isn't easy for me. I could have taken the easy way, and I didn't. And that's fine, but I wish people weren't expecting miracles from me.

Yes, I want everyone to be happy. But hey, is it too much to ask that I get to be happy too? Is it really? Is it too much to expect that I can be sad, and cry, and that in reality I have lost here too? Because I have.

I didn't just shrug and let it all go without any thought at all. There was some serious thought involved. I had really tried my honest-to-god best. I had planned on a future. Perhaps not the white picket fence variety, but a future nonetheless. And that's gone now, because what I had pictured, and what he had in mind weren't the same. But the basic idea was there. Growing old together. A dog. A house. A *life*, damnit. A partner.

And while I'm smiling, and doing my damnedest to make it all easy and make the transition easy, it's not that simple for me. Because yes, it hurts. And I'm losing here too. So this is hurting me. Because I did the right thing, because I can't be what he wants for the long term. I can't give what he wants. But that doesn't mean that I'm not losing something here. I'm losing a lot. Just because I'm not sitting here screaming and crying and making a massive deal out of it doesn't mean it's not there.

My sanity is hanging by a fucking thread. And I don't have anything to grab hold of, because there isn't particularly anything I *can* grab. He's moving on. Faster than I could ever have really imagined. Which cements for me that this was the right thing. I guess that's a good thing? But it makes it almost impossible to try and ask for comfort in any form, because friends or not, there's no way to try and explain things in any way that doesn't make everyone miserable.

So I feel like a failure. I am angry. I am sad. I feel lost and confused, because everything I was so sure of is gone. I don't know what to think or to say or how to feel, or what to do, or not do. I don't know where I fit in anymore, or how to behave. Everything I had and everything I was was tied up in that person I was pretending to be, and now I'm at a loss for what to do now...