Random thoughts

God, how different it was back then. I had this burning desire to *know*. To learn, to experience everything there was. To love without restraint, and to defy the odds.
I had dreams then. I could see the future stretching out in front of me, without limits to inhibit those dreams. I could be anyone, do anything, go anywhere. Such large dreams. It feels sometimes now as though those dreams have been crushed into dust. I know that isn't true. Life happened. It feels as though I went to sleep and missed out on so many things.

I like my life the way it is, don't get me wrong. I have no desire to go back and undo the past. I wouldn't want to change my present for it. Change one, change all. But I still have some dreams. And right now, those dreams are still unobtainable. I'm working on that, making those things feasible again. All of which takes time. I've learned through the years that time can be quite unstable, and I fear what I can't control.

Control has always been an issue with me. I felt when I was younger that I could control everything, and thus it was safe to let go the control sometimes. i don't feel that way anymore. Too many things have taken the control i held out of my hands and broken it into pieces, as an inconsiderate child would do to the toy of a rival.

I'll keep reaching, and trying to regain what I've lost. I hope to one day live my dreams. Until then, I'll continue to learn, in the hope that what I've learned will one day be of assistance to me.