I shouldn't love you. I should just make it all stop, cauterize the wound and walk away. I've done it before. It took time, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I did it, and I survived. And it made me strong. Stronger than I would have otherwise been. Strong enough to survive what came after. Strong enough to survive what I needed to be able to get through, and to become who I am now.

And I kind of like who I am now. Dependable, loyal. I'm a good person now, even though I don't always admit to it. And some of those traits are directly related to what I learned from you, from the innocence you shared with me. I learned a lot of things from you. I learned some instinctively, and some I learned by being exposed to you as a type of person I had absolutely no experience with.

You changed me. Being with you changed me. And that's okay, because they were changes I needed. I was always strong. Emotionally strong. I handled everything, because I had to. I still am, at the base, that person. The strong one. But it was tempered, because of what I learned from you. Something inside of me was somewhat gentled, calmed. I don't have to damage others now with my strength. I don't need to be everything for everyone, I just need to be strong enough for me. Strong enough to take care of me, and the people who are important to me.

But while I want you, and while I need you, I know that to love you is dangerous. Love is dangerous for me. Loving you could be dangerous for me. Detrimental? Possibly. I am not like you when I love. Or perhaps it's that I am frightened that I might be like you now. I wasn't like you. I was distanced in my love for people. In my love for you. I was several steps apart. I cared, I loved you, but it was a thing separate. It didn't touch me visibly the way it should have. I was disconnected, and safe behind my walls. I am disconnected much of the time, from the things that affect most people. I stand apart, watching, and observing things around me, without the emotional barrage. How interesting that must be, is generally how I see it.

So here I sit, conflicted and confused. Because I just don't know what the hell I want to be doing anymore. And even when I think I know, it changes with almost every breath. The only time I *know* doesn't even make sense anymore. Because it's a complete clusterfuck of inconsistency. I want you. I need you. I need to hold you. I need to have you hold me. I need to talk to you. See you. Laugh with you. But then I need to have you leave, because I need space to sort through things. And without that space, I feel like I'll go insane, because after a certain amount of time, I just can't breathe anymore. My head is spinning and I'm dizzy with it. I need to push you away. I'm broken and I don't know why.