A year ago today

Monday August 27, 2007. That was a year ago, today.

And things have changed, haven't they? Today is August 27, 2008. And a year has passed, and I'm sitting here, and in the background is once again playing Ice Cube's "Today was a good day" on my iTunes. But it's not the same now. I re-read that blog post from a year ago, and it hurt, and all I could do was shake my head, and think about all of what's happened since that day.

I wouldn't have thought that so many things would have happened in 12 months. I wouldn't have believed it if someone would have told me then that this could have happened. I still don't quite believe it.

Twelve months ago, I was trying to stabilize from the seizures. Trying to pull it together from problems with Danny. Carl was getting ready to leave for Portland, and Phillip had just gotten back in touch, after a decade long silence.

I'd just barely started going out, to see Nathan's new band Approaching Darkness, and to meet his wife, and to begin living a life that I'd put on hold for longer than I care to think about.

Just barely started coming back out of the darkness that I'd been living in too long. Things were finally beginning to get better for me, and I was just starting to live.

And now, twelve months later? I'm living on my own. I'm still in touch with Sam and Nathan. But that's about all that is the same. Nathan still plays for Approaching Darkness. They're pretty hot on the local band scene, actually. And I still enjoy seeing them play. And Nathan's wife turned out to be absolutely awesome, and I'm very glad I met her, and got to know her.

Danny and I split up, after having been together for seven years, and he moved out, and moved on, in less than a month. I guess he's happy now, and they're doing well, talking about babies and marriage and whatnot. So sayeth the grapevine. It's none of my business, and honestly, no longer any of my concern. I wish him well, and I've moved on.

Phillip and I became friends again, after the ten years we were apart, and became lovers again as well, for a brief time. But there were too many things in the way, and things just couldn't work. I thought he was someone he just isn't, and I ended up hoping for things that couldn't be. And in the end, we couldn't even be friends anymore. I would have hoped to remain friends, but that isn't to be, and I've made my peace with it, and, like Danny, I wish him well. It's Fresno, and I'll do my best to stay clear of him, as that's his wish, but I can't do more than that for him. He knows where I tend to be, and he can avoid me if he wishes.

I've gone from being a complete hermit all the time a year ago, to being someone with a full social life now. I'm actively dating again, and have lost a substantial amount of the weight I've been carrying around for the last decade. So much so, that people no longer pretend that I'm not there. And that's been hard for me to adjust to, because I've started getting attention from men again, and I'm having to learn how to handle it. But I'm managing, and it's been...not too bad.

We'll see how I handle it, once I get into the full swing of things like rejection from the entire dating scenario, and the actual physical aspects of things. I'm not sure how I'll deal with that, but it's bound to be something I need to think about, so I am.

The other things I'm adjusting to are school and work, respectively. I worked full time from May until the beginning of August, and now that school has started, that's slacked off. But now I'm a full-time student, taking courses at the local college, and that's been another major change for me. It's a lot more work than I had really expected it to be, because school was never really challenging for me before. So this is difficult. I hadn't anticipated how different my life was going to be, now that I'm a student with a neurological disability. I actually do having a learning disability now, and that takes some getting used to for a person who always had it very easy.

Living alone has also been an adjustment, but that's been a really good one for me, I've enjoyed learning how to adapt to that. I eat what I want, when I want. I take care of my cat and myself, without having to answer to anyone. There's no worrying about whether there will be dishes in the kitchen, or if the washing machine will be in use. And I like that. I like knowing that whatever I left somewhere will still be there when I go to find it. It's very pleasant for me, because of my Obsessive Compulsive tendencies. I had always thought that might be the case, and finding out that was true was somewhat reassuring.

To a certain extent, I miss having someone to take care of. Someone to wake up with in the morning, and cook for at night. Just someone to hold sometimes. There are a few things that I really, truly do miss. But I'm doing very well, overall. From the way things were a year ago, I've done remarkably well, given all the changes, and how much I've had to overcome to get me to this point.

I honestly wasn't sure whether or not I would just give up, and take all the pills I had in my arsenal, and not care anymore. Because there isn't anyone here to stop me, and I don't really have anyone to answer to anymore. I realize that people would be upset, and I know that I'm loved. But I also know that in the end, it wouldn't be my child or my parents who would find me. It would be someone random, like my manager.

I've been depressed over the last months. I've been upset, and lonely, and yes, even suicidal at times. But it's passing. And I'm getting stronger day by day. So from a year ago, to today? It's improving. And I'm getting to the point where I can feel better more days than not. It isn't sunshine and roses. But at least it isn't always dark.

A year ago everything was dark, with a bright spot. Then everything was dark, with no sun at all.

And now? It's mostly sun, with the occasional dark days, and I'm managing to work through them.

Life moves on. And I'm moving on with it.