My 300th post, personal responsibility and keeping secrets

That definitely sounds like something that would be a very me-like 300th post, don't you think? I'm on kind of a weird kick today, about the idea of when it is, and when it is not, appropriate to keep a secret. Because there are indeed times when it is not in the best interest of anyone to keep secrets. I've been discussing this with a lot of people over the course of this week, and I wasn't altogether surprised to find out that across the board, people in my age bracket, we all agree about some things.

About drugs, and there are categories of them for us, you always tell. You scream it from the rooftops if necessary, but you tell. And we quizzed our kids to make sure that they understand that these drugs, if you know someone who took one, tried one, used one, knows someone who used one: You tell. You tell your parents, you tell their parents, you tell us. You tell *someone*. They smoked pot? Fine, they are your friend, you are being loyal, and it's a secret. Whatever. They tried cocaine? Speed? Heroine? Crack? Angel dust? You scream that shit from the rooftops, because it only takes *one time*, and someone can die. That's a big fucking deal, not something to play around with, and you do not want to be that person, the one who gets to wake up every morning for the rest of your life knowing that you knew that secret, and you didn't tell anyone. And the second time they "tried it"? They died, and you knew, and didn't tell. It's the shittiest feeling in the world. You're not being loyal to your friend by keeping that secret. You're helping that friend become an addict, and try to kill themselves.

Obviously a subject I feel very passionate about indeed. But there are other kinds of secrets as well, drugs aren't the only ones, and that brought me to a screeching halt in my thinking. Some other things shouldn't always be kept under wraps too. And I have been puzzling over this. Why do people keep some secrets, but not others? What makes the deciding factor? I am generally very good about not repeating what I know, and people talk to me about a variety of things, because they know I'll keep a confidence. And I appreciate that reasoning. But by the same token, confidence or not, there are some things that I simply won't just sit on, even when it pisses everybody in the world off.

I guess that was what I mean about personal responsibility. I'm willing to take it. Yes, it sucks sometimes. Yes, it will mean that I broke a confidence sometimes. But I won't stand by and hide something, just because it meant I was "loyal", if it's truly the wrong thing to do. And maybe that will cost me a friend. But if it does? Then that person wasn't a worthwhile friend to begin with. They wouldn't have asked me to compromise my morals and my values in the first place. They would have not put me in that position, and would have accepted responsibility for their own actions, and not tried to hide something that vile in the first place. And some secrets shouldn't be kept. Because they can cause damage. Because people can be hurt. And those types of things should not be kept hidden.

I don't think that everyone should get repeated chances. I think that yes, if you've screwed up once, then you should get a chance to redeem yourself. But when you've made the same error more than once, and that 'chance' becomes a pattern, than the game is over, and when more than one person is willing to cover up your "mistakes" then it becomes a conspiracy. And the problem is not just yours, but everyone who helps to "hide" the secret. Because things snowball, and people are hurt, and no one is willing to take blame, and I just don't agree with any of it.

Something about leading by example, and not being willing to associate with people who won't take responsibility for their own actions, and not being willing to take part in the games that people play. Life isn't a high school drama, and at a certain point, everyone needs to accept that if you're willing to hide the secrets? Then you're willing to play the game. And if you're willing to take part in the drama and play the game, and be that friend? In some way, you must either be willing to keep putting up with it, or secretly enjoy some part of it. But I'm not.

I don't know. Maybe that makes me stubborn. Or maybe it makes me unyielding. Or maybe it just makes me finally an adult? Whatever it is that it made me, it did make me reliable. I have no patience for people who won't hold themselves accountable.

You take care of children, they come first. Next are animals, and things that can't defend themselves. But adults (unless they have conditions that render them unable to care for themselves) have the capacity to reason, and thus need to take responsibility for their own actions, and act in that fashion.

It doesn't matter if you had a lousy childhood. It doesn't matter if you were miserable. You're an adult now, and you need to act like an adult. You have to take care of your adult responsibilities. You need to function in the grown-up world, and do all of the adult things that come with it. Take care of your children. Pay your bills. Do all the things that reasonable, functional adults do. Treat others with kindness and respect. And that includes not hiding secrets, and placing blame on anyone else, when you need to step up to the plate, and accept responsibility for your own actions. And sometimes, just sometimes, it means saying you were wrong, and giving out an apology or two. Because it's what adults do.

Although I expect pigs to fly before I get apologies from some of the people who have hurt me or wronged me over the years. I know and have known some *really* stubborn people. (waves in their general direction)

But overall, I've told the people I've hurt that I was sorry, because I grew up, and that's how it works.