I have a headache. And I am angry, and frustrated, and all I honestly want to do? Is go and get smashed. The kind of smashed that will completely obliterate how frustrated I feel. I want to hop in my car, swing through a liquor store and pick up a couple six packs of wine coolers, because I know that's what will get me lit up, and mix it together with a bunch of my painkillers, and put myself into a nice fuzzy world.

Where nothing and no one will hurt me for a while. And it's ridiculous, right? I probably won't, because there's not really a point to going out and working myself into a tailspin to make nothing hurt tonight. It will still crash down on me tomorrow, and unfortunately, I can't just stay in my fuzzy bubble, however much I might want to. But it would be nice, just for a little while, to be in a nice fuzzy world. Where nothing hurts, and no one hurts me.

I don't understand it. Since when do men expect sex in exchange for dinner? Or is that the common way of paying for a date, and I missed that train? Perhaps that is how it works, and I just wasn't aware of it. Maybe it's me, and not them. Fuck, I don't know anymore. That's the problem, right? I'm not in the habit of passing out sex as a reward, so I wouldn't know.

I'm not in the habit of dating in general, so I don't know what the "rules" are, because I didn't date. Perhaps I'm doing it wrong, the same way I do everything else wrong, when it comes down to life, love, and the pursuit of...whatever the hell it is I'm supposed to be pursuing.

Maybe I was better off being someone's dirty little secret, and that's why that's how I was treated. I really wasn't worth being taken to meet the parents. Hell, the parents never approved of me anyway, so why bother, right? Better to just get what they wanted, and move on to the "real" girlfriend, the one who was socially acceptable, that everybody could approve of, and that was out there for everybody to fawn over, and love. I'm not the one you love...I'm just the one you ask to fuck, right?

Maybe I will go and get smashed for a bit. Everything is bound to look better through the haze.