Sometimes love isn't enough. And that's okay.

"Love is not always enough, not when you’re talking about marriage and children and joint checking accounts… I’m not saying love isn’t important, it is, but...I’m saying that–sometimes you love, and you learn, and you move on. And that’s okay." It's a quote from the movie Prime.

I was thinking today, about the so-called "Perfect Man". About how women spend their lives looking for him, for Mister Right. And I guess I understand that sometimes, that's the societal norm. I really do. And my problem is, and I guess always has been, that I'm not looking for that.

I might have been, at some point. But the man who is the perfect man? Or Mister Right? For me, he's the Perfect man for me. And I know that. And I don't need to appease anyone else, and I'm not going to continue trying to do that.

My friend Shawn had a very interesting approach to finding a woman. He dated a woman, and each time he moved on to a new relationship, he took stock of the last women he'd been with, and considered what he didn't want in the next one. And by process of elimination he ended up knowing what he did want.

He didn't keep searching aimlessly, looking for the "ideal woman" who he had in his head, because that would never work. And I agree with that philosophy. Having this idealized picture in your mind of what you think is your perfect mate is just silly.

I want, what? A man who is taller than six feet, and has long hair? And he needs to be able to cook, and like a certain type of books, and he needs to have a certain colour of hair? And then he'll be perfect? That's ridiculous.

I know what I don't want. And looks, and what my friends think or don't think of my choices have nothing to do with it now. I don't need their approval of my mate. I know how I want to be treated. I know that we need to have things in common. I know we need to be sexually compatible. I need someone who can keep up with me, and whom I can keep up with in bed, and out of it. Our sexual tastes need to be about equal. I know now that what I'm willing to be as a partner to someone isn't not necessarily what I always believed it would be, and I'm comfortable with that, and I need my partner to be alright with that as well. I need a partner who will agree with my philosophies about children, and how they would or would not be raised, and schooled, etc. And I have learned how to define what I want, and how to present those desires to someone. And to let go, and walk away if I cannot have them returned.

Because sometimes love isn't enough. I won't be good enough for someone in bed if I'm not good enough for them out of it. I won't be a partner to someone, who I can't be a partner to them if we're not compatible on other levels. It all has to mesh, or it won't work. And I needed to learn that you have to be willing to walk away, and leave if it won't work. Because that's okay too.

I need someone who is my equal, and not someone who doesn't have enough courage to stand up for me, and be proud to be with me. And yes, I can be a pain in the ass, and I know it. And I know that it can be difficult to stand up if people disapprove of the person you're with. I've actually had partners that no one approved of before. And I basically told everyone to sit and spin, because I refused to be baited, or told who I could or couldn't love. Nor was I willing to make them into a dirty little secret. I've allowed myself to be that secret, which I won't do again. The things I've learned over the years, to value myself.

Took me a while though. And I'm proud of that. But Shawn's method is the best one. You take what you've learned from each relationship, and learn what you don't want, and at the end, you arrive at what will be ideally suited for you, and that's the person who will work as a mate. Not that "perfect person" in your head, who will never work in reality.

Because there's no such thing as Perfect. If there was, we'd be living in a fairy tale. And if you ever research fairy tales? You'll find that they were, at the beginning? Horror stories, not happy endings.