Wow, I'm going to sit and be a somewhat egotistical jerk. And gloat just a tad, while laughing. It appears that while I hadn't really given it a lot of thought for quite a while, I'm still being followed on both Facebook, and over here on my blog (which I haven't even been writing on a whole lot lately, because I've been either sick of busy, or both). I actually loosened up the restrictions on my FB search parameters, because I've been adding some people, my boyfriend's family, my cousins, people like that, and it was a pain in the butt having to search out everybody. And when I was writing a post somewhere, I realized that somebody have vanished from somebody's friend list...and then it dawned on me, that they hadn't disappeared....*I* got blocked. Which is comical, since the only reason to block me, was if she'd gone looking for my page in the first place :P
So yeah, since she's reading my blog...we're deliriously happy. We're living together, and absolutely nauseatingly happy. We spend time with his family, who accepted me just fine. I've met the parents, the grandparents, the cousins, the aunts, uncles, etc. It's just a big, happy lovefest. We're both in school, working on our degrees, and after all this time as it turns out, you having wrecked my life and having made him so miserable? Was the absolute best thing you could have done to me, because he loves me more than anybody thought possible, and he appreciates me more than *I* ever thought possible. So thanks for that, because it would have taken a lot more time, had he not had a reason to see how close he came to losing me completely.
So, goodnight internets. I've got a movie to finish watching, and then snuggles to have, and sleep to follow.
Showing posts with label circle of life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label circle of life. Show all posts
Friday, January 8, 2010
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
pink fleece and white bunnies
I haven't really written much of anything on here in a while, weeks really. Not because I don't have anything to say to anybody, but more because anytime I have something interesting to say, I decide I don't want to post it up on the internets, for everybody to read.
For a long time, I was absolutely uptight about who was reading my words, and wondering who was stalking me. I was paranoid in the extreme, and was constantly nervous and upset with the idea of who it might be, and why they were so interested in what I had to say, if anything.
For a long time, I spent months trying to get past and let go of the past, and get over how badly I was hurt, and move on with my life. And I actually finally did move on, and put my world...not back together. It was too shattered for that. But I built a new one, and I liked who I became. But it took me almost two years, to do that.
Recovering from being devastated takes time, and takes perseverance, and determination. It means not giving up, or giving in, or not being willing to giving anyone else including yourself the satisfaction of letting anyone seeing your fail.
I spent a lot of time crying, and a lot of time sitting alone attempting to make sense of the whys and the hows and trying to understand if there was a failing in me or if there was something I could have done to have made something have gone a different way.
In the end, I accepted that I hadn't done anything wrong, and that everything probably does happen for a reason, and I let it go, and I started to heal. There are still broken pieces inside of me. There always will be. Some wounds don't ever completely close, but you move on, and you deal with what has to be done. And I did, and I'm stronger for it.
I survived.
I'm proud of that. I'm proud of a lot of things about my life now, even knowing that there are a lot of imperfections about me still. I don't always make the choices that people who care about me would want me to. I'm alright with that. I'm doing the best I can, with what I have, and that has to be enough, even when people don't approve. I'm no longer seeking approval from anyone else but myself.
I know that I've been missing from my blog a lot lately, and I'm sorry for that, because I know a lot of you keep tabs on me here, wondering where I've been and what I've been doing. The truth is that where I've been is buried beneath homework, and sick for the last few weeks. I picked up a nasty flu, and haven't been able to shake it, and I've been feeling worse, then better, then worse again for weeks.
Phillip's been here pretty much nonstop, taking care of me while I cycle in and out, popping antibiotics, and hoping that it'll finally kick out of my system. Hope springs eternal, but at least I haven't landed in the hospital, which is a nice change of pace. Coughing crap out, and spewing green stuff sucks, I don't recommend it for anyone.
I'm working on a 12 page research paper for one of my classes, and starting the home stretch toward finals, wrapping up the fall semester for college, and looking toward spring, and lining up my little ducks in a row for next year, you know, the basic ongoing stuff.
I've got a series of Dr's appointments scheduled for the next couple of weeks as well, but there's not a lot new there, that's pretty common for me.
Oh, and last but definitely not least, my long-time best friend Danny became a Daddy on November 1, 2009. He has the most adorable little boy, so many congratulations and happiness to him and his girlfriend. I'd post pictures, but I don't do that kind of thing :P
For a long time, I was absolutely uptight about who was reading my words, and wondering who was stalking me. I was paranoid in the extreme, and was constantly nervous and upset with the idea of who it might be, and why they were so interested in what I had to say, if anything.
For a long time, I spent months trying to get past and let go of the past, and get over how badly I was hurt, and move on with my life. And I actually finally did move on, and put my world...not back together. It was too shattered for that. But I built a new one, and I liked who I became. But it took me almost two years, to do that.
Recovering from being devastated takes time, and takes perseverance, and determination. It means not giving up, or giving in, or not being willing to giving anyone else including yourself the satisfaction of letting anyone seeing your fail.
I spent a lot of time crying, and a lot of time sitting alone attempting to make sense of the whys and the hows and trying to understand if there was a failing in me or if there was something I could have done to have made something have gone a different way.
In the end, I accepted that I hadn't done anything wrong, and that everything probably does happen for a reason, and I let it go, and I started to heal. There are still broken pieces inside of me. There always will be. Some wounds don't ever completely close, but you move on, and you deal with what has to be done. And I did, and I'm stronger for it.
I survived.
I'm proud of that. I'm proud of a lot of things about my life now, even knowing that there are a lot of imperfections about me still. I don't always make the choices that people who care about me would want me to. I'm alright with that. I'm doing the best I can, with what I have, and that has to be enough, even when people don't approve. I'm no longer seeking approval from anyone else but myself.
I know that I've been missing from my blog a lot lately, and I'm sorry for that, because I know a lot of you keep tabs on me here, wondering where I've been and what I've been doing. The truth is that where I've been is buried beneath homework, and sick for the last few weeks. I picked up a nasty flu, and haven't been able to shake it, and I've been feeling worse, then better, then worse again for weeks.
Phillip's been here pretty much nonstop, taking care of me while I cycle in and out, popping antibiotics, and hoping that it'll finally kick out of my system. Hope springs eternal, but at least I haven't landed in the hospital, which is a nice change of pace. Coughing crap out, and spewing green stuff sucks, I don't recommend it for anyone.
I'm working on a 12 page research paper for one of my classes, and starting the home stretch toward finals, wrapping up the fall semester for college, and looking toward spring, and lining up my little ducks in a row for next year, you know, the basic ongoing stuff.
I've got a series of Dr's appointments scheduled for the next couple of weeks as well, but there's not a lot new there, that's pretty common for me.
Oh, and last but definitely not least, my long-time best friend Danny became a Daddy on November 1, 2009. He has the most adorable little boy, so many congratulations and happiness to him and his girlfriend. I'd post pictures, but I don't do that kind of thing :P
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Pursuit of happyness
It's taken me a while, to put this blog up, because I had things I needed to do, and people who I needed to take care of, before I could. Because those people are important enough to me, to make damn certain that they were not wounded, when I put this here. Because I've been happy for a few months, and I'm happy now, and the reasons are not the same. But both are important to me. And both will continue to be important to me. I will not give up either one, although they will be completely separate in their contexts or relationships. As I continue to be who I am, and my loyalty as always will remain.
What do you do, when something that you wanted desperately, with every fiber of your being, suddenly appears in front of you, and offers you the words that you wanted to hear? That you are cherished, and you are loved, and that everything can be alright again, and there's a chance at the happiness you thought you lost, and that a mistake had been made? No secrets, no hiding, no lies. Just a chance to rectify a mistake, and a chance to be happy now. What do you do then? What do you do when an apology you thought you'd never hear is given, and everything you want is right there for the taking?
Oh, I loved him. With everything I had, with everything I was, I loved him. I didn't doubt it, I didn't question it, I gave him everything and would have given up anything if it made him happy. I took care of him, and I got broken for my efforts. And I haven't forgotten any of those things. And it took me a very long time, and a lot of work, and a lot of soul searching, and a long time, to get to where I am now. And where I am? It's a good place to be. And over the course of that time, and the very slow process of healing, I stopped being in love with him. I still care about him, still wanted to know that he was alright. But very slowly, I stopped being in love with him. And I moved on.
And it hurt. It cost me, a lot, to let that dream go. But let it go, I did. My dreams changed, and the person I became changed as well, into a much stronger, and more self-reliant person. Someone who had the ability to look at the dreams I had once, and to see what was flawed. And what I was doing to myself, and what I had allowed myself to become.
And when I look, now, at him, what I see isn't the same either. And that overwhelming and crushing desire to give him anything, to be anything if he can just want me? That isn't there anymore. I still care about him. I realized at some point, that I'm always going to care, a part of me will always love him. But there's an equality now. I know that I deserve something more than to be hidden in the shadows, out of the light. And what he offered, was more than what it used to be.
And I'm happy now, standing within his arms, and I'm not hidden in the dark, which is where I always was. There's no shame now, with him. And that was there before as well. There was always someone else that he was searching for, someone else he wanted to hold above me. I was someone to pass the time for him, until the person he wanted more could be available. That shames me.
I'm not ashamed anymore. I am the woman he wants now, because I wouldn't have settled for anything less than that. He makes me happy, and finally, when he looks at me, he *does* look at me. And he's happy with me. And he'd finally realized the mistake that he made, and gave me the words, words I needed to hear, to heal a very large wound that he caused, when he left. That damage is going to be there, for a while. But it helped. It continues to help.
It isn't going to be an immediate fix. But each day that passes, heals a little more. And I missed him, so much, that it was like a hole was missing from inside of me. And having him back feels like I'm complete. It always did.
I can live without him, I proved that, both to myself, and him, when he left. I can do it again, if I have to. But I'd rather not. I'd rather stand at his side, and be happy. I waited, a long time, for that. I'm sorry, that it angers others, but I'll make my own choices, as I always have. I'm sorry it hurts so many people that he cares about as well. But that was his choice too, when he came after me.
We deserve to be happy, everyone does. We're not harming anyone else. If you can't be happy for us? Please, just leave us alone.
What do you do, when something that you wanted desperately, with every fiber of your being, suddenly appears in front of you, and offers you the words that you wanted to hear? That you are cherished, and you are loved, and that everything can be alright again, and there's a chance at the happiness you thought you lost, and that a mistake had been made? No secrets, no hiding, no lies. Just a chance to rectify a mistake, and a chance to be happy now. What do you do then? What do you do when an apology you thought you'd never hear is given, and everything you want is right there for the taking?
Oh, I loved him. With everything I had, with everything I was, I loved him. I didn't doubt it, I didn't question it, I gave him everything and would have given up anything if it made him happy. I took care of him, and I got broken for my efforts. And I haven't forgotten any of those things. And it took me a very long time, and a lot of work, and a lot of soul searching, and a long time, to get to where I am now. And where I am? It's a good place to be. And over the course of that time, and the very slow process of healing, I stopped being in love with him. I still care about him, still wanted to know that he was alright. But very slowly, I stopped being in love with him. And I moved on.
And it hurt. It cost me, a lot, to let that dream go. But let it go, I did. My dreams changed, and the person I became changed as well, into a much stronger, and more self-reliant person. Someone who had the ability to look at the dreams I had once, and to see what was flawed. And what I was doing to myself, and what I had allowed myself to become.
And when I look, now, at him, what I see isn't the same either. And that overwhelming and crushing desire to give him anything, to be anything if he can just want me? That isn't there anymore. I still care about him. I realized at some point, that I'm always going to care, a part of me will always love him. But there's an equality now. I know that I deserve something more than to be hidden in the shadows, out of the light. And what he offered, was more than what it used to be.
And I'm happy now, standing within his arms, and I'm not hidden in the dark, which is where I always was. There's no shame now, with him. And that was there before as well. There was always someone else that he was searching for, someone else he wanted to hold above me. I was someone to pass the time for him, until the person he wanted more could be available. That shames me.
I'm not ashamed anymore. I am the woman he wants now, because I wouldn't have settled for anything less than that. He makes me happy, and finally, when he looks at me, he *does* look at me. And he's happy with me. And he'd finally realized the mistake that he made, and gave me the words, words I needed to hear, to heal a very large wound that he caused, when he left. That damage is going to be there, for a while. But it helped. It continues to help.
It isn't going to be an immediate fix. But each day that passes, heals a little more. And I missed him, so much, that it was like a hole was missing from inside of me. And having him back feels like I'm complete. It always did.
I can live without him, I proved that, both to myself, and him, when he left. I can do it again, if I have to. But I'd rather not. I'd rather stand at his side, and be happy. I waited, a long time, for that. I'm sorry, that it angers others, but I'll make my own choices, as I always have. I'm sorry it hurts so many people that he cares about as well. But that was his choice too, when he came after me.
We deserve to be happy, everyone does. We're not harming anyone else. If you can't be happy for us? Please, just leave us alone.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
plans, dreams, goals, the last five years, what's next
I got an anonymous comment on one of my blogs, that advised me to live my life, and make up for the last five years, and go and do all the things I had put on hold, while I was sick. To whoever it was that left me that comment, *bow*. I appreciate both your words, and the sentiment. And I will be endeavoring to be doing precisely that. In more ways than you can possibly imagine, I'll be packing as much actual living into my life for the next few years, into doing all of the things I wanted to do, while I was ill, as I can. I want to make up for lost time, for the things I couldn't do.
I am, now, today, in better shape than I've been in since my birthday in 1999. It's been ten years, and for all intents and purposes, this is as healthy as I've been for a decade. And I'm steadily getting physically more stable. I can, essentially, walk further and better than I've been able to in years. Not every day. Some things might never be perfect, and I accept that. But I'll take what I have, and run with it. And running with it means doing what I want, on my own terms, and those terms include a lot of things.
Making plans with Brody, to go out to her new place on the beach, for...however the hell long we feel like being there. Building castles in the sand, and dancing under the moon. Being *alive* again. I celebrated Ostara this year with some of my family, for the first time in years.
I'm not sure if every decision I'm going to make from here out is going to be the right one. But I'm simply going to go, and do what I want, and I'm going to live. With every breath I draw, I'm going to *live*. I want to dance, and laugh, and love. I didn't know who I was, for a long, long time, I didn't know who I was. I know who I am now. I look in the mirror, and I see me now, looking back. I *know* myself, now. This woman, here, is a person that I'm comfortable with, who I accept. This is a battle that was long fought, and hard-won. I earned this victory. But I didn't completely earn it alone.
Hawaiian? I love you. I love you for everything that you did for me, and with me, and for what you taught me. And I want you to be happy. I want you to be *so happy*. The gods know that you earned that, more than anyone else I will ever know. You went through hell, holding me up, and watching me fall, and then come back. And I will be grateful for that, forever. But we don't owe each anymore. I love you, but there's no more owing, on either side. Let it go, and be happy. You taught me, finally, how to be happy with myself, in a way that I never could, and you gave that to me. Take it with you, and go and be happy for yourself. I'm not something you need to be responsible for anymore. You have someone new to be responsible for now.
But knowing that I won, doesn't mean that I won't remember the demons. It simply means that I recognize who they are, and don't plan to open the gates and let them back through. Some things I can't control. I learned that lesson well. Some things I have absolutely no control over, and just have to deal. But the things that I can and do have control over? I don't plan to repeat my mistakes, over and over.
I'm sitting here, curled up on the couch, under a furry blanket, listening to the sound of rain against the windowpane. It's a sound I love to hear. Right now, everything is just fine. I have plans for tomorrow to eat at a place I truly enjoy, in the company of someone I enjoy. I'm on break from school. My cat is getting over being angry with me, and things are peaceful. For this moment, everything is just the way it should be.
And each day, I will work to have my day be just the way I'd like. And when it doesn't go that way? I'll have another day, where I'll pursue random pleasures, to make myself happy. Maybe it's shallow. Maybe not, maybe it's just that for a while, I want to live life to the fullest, and have a good time. If that means going to the beach, or to Disneyland, or to Great America, then that's what I'll do. Maybe I'll go up to Yosemite, and walk Dotel's Mist Hike, because that sounds like fun, even if it'll take me all day long. Because that sounds like something I'd enjoy doing, and taking photos of.
Trivial small things to make myself happy. Larger pursuits for the same reason. Taking dance classes. Taking photography classes, and Latin courses, and cooking courses. Any and all things, that engage my mind, and my body, and enrich my soul. Because that's what I want to do.
And that's the point, right? Making up for lost time, and that I'm no longer trying to find myself. I *did* find myself. And now, me and myself, want to go and *live*. And I want the people I love to go with me, join me, and sometimes I want to go alone. But a lot of it, I'm going to want to have company, because I'm tired of being alone. I've been alone a long time now. And I'm finished with that. The people who I still reach toward, the people I love, and I'm sure you will recognize yourselves immediately, I want to spend time with you, and make memories with, and have photographs showing my life. I don't want to be a ghost anymore. I'm alive, I want to be alive.
I am, now, today, in better shape than I've been in since my birthday in 1999. It's been ten years, and for all intents and purposes, this is as healthy as I've been for a decade. And I'm steadily getting physically more stable. I can, essentially, walk further and better than I've been able to in years. Not every day. Some things might never be perfect, and I accept that. But I'll take what I have, and run with it. And running with it means doing what I want, on my own terms, and those terms include a lot of things.
Making plans with Brody, to go out to her new place on the beach, for...however the hell long we feel like being there. Building castles in the sand, and dancing under the moon. Being *alive* again. I celebrated Ostara this year with some of my family, for the first time in years.
I'm not sure if every decision I'm going to make from here out is going to be the right one. But I'm simply going to go, and do what I want, and I'm going to live. With every breath I draw, I'm going to *live*. I want to dance, and laugh, and love. I didn't know who I was, for a long, long time, I didn't know who I was. I know who I am now. I look in the mirror, and I see me now, looking back. I *know* myself, now. This woman, here, is a person that I'm comfortable with, who I accept. This is a battle that was long fought, and hard-won. I earned this victory. But I didn't completely earn it alone.
Hawaiian? I love you. I love you for everything that you did for me, and with me, and for what you taught me. And I want you to be happy. I want you to be *so happy*. The gods know that you earned that, more than anyone else I will ever know. You went through hell, holding me up, and watching me fall, and then come back. And I will be grateful for that, forever. But we don't owe each anymore. I love you, but there's no more owing, on either side. Let it go, and be happy. You taught me, finally, how to be happy with myself, in a way that I never could, and you gave that to me. Take it with you, and go and be happy for yourself. I'm not something you need to be responsible for anymore. You have someone new to be responsible for now.
But knowing that I won, doesn't mean that I won't remember the demons. It simply means that I recognize who they are, and don't plan to open the gates and let them back through. Some things I can't control. I learned that lesson well. Some things I have absolutely no control over, and just have to deal. But the things that I can and do have control over? I don't plan to repeat my mistakes, over and over.
I'm sitting here, curled up on the couch, under a furry blanket, listening to the sound of rain against the windowpane. It's a sound I love to hear. Right now, everything is just fine. I have plans for tomorrow to eat at a place I truly enjoy, in the company of someone I enjoy. I'm on break from school. My cat is getting over being angry with me, and things are peaceful. For this moment, everything is just the way it should be.
And each day, I will work to have my day be just the way I'd like. And when it doesn't go that way? I'll have another day, where I'll pursue random pleasures, to make myself happy. Maybe it's shallow. Maybe not, maybe it's just that for a while, I want to live life to the fullest, and have a good time. If that means going to the beach, or to Disneyland, or to Great America, then that's what I'll do. Maybe I'll go up to Yosemite, and walk Dotel's Mist Hike, because that sounds like fun, even if it'll take me all day long. Because that sounds like something I'd enjoy doing, and taking photos of.
Trivial small things to make myself happy. Larger pursuits for the same reason. Taking dance classes. Taking photography classes, and Latin courses, and cooking courses. Any and all things, that engage my mind, and my body, and enrich my soul. Because that's what I want to do.
And that's the point, right? Making up for lost time, and that I'm no longer trying to find myself. I *did* find myself. And now, me and myself, want to go and *live*. And I want the people I love to go with me, join me, and sometimes I want to go alone. But a lot of it, I'm going to want to have company, because I'm tired of being alone. I've been alone a long time now. And I'm finished with that. The people who I still reach toward, the people I love, and I'm sure you will recognize yourselves immediately, I want to spend time with you, and make memories with, and have photographs showing my life. I don't want to be a ghost anymore. I'm alive, I want to be alive.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Seeking:
Acquaintances who are willing to bump into each other occasionally. Naked. With our crotches.
My gods, how I love Questionable Content. I truly do. I wish I'd had those kinds of acquaintances when I was in college. Oh wait! I *am* in college! I knew karma had to smile on me at some point!
In all seriousness though. So the asshat over the weekend notwithstanding, I suppose I'm doing alright, aside from a slight case of the "damn, I need to get laid". Which I'll probably get around to doing shortly. Maybe all the people who kept telling Stacey that night at the bar that all she needed to do to get over Phillip was get under someone else. Maybe they were right? I'm beginning to think that perhaps they had the correct idea. I didn't think so at the time, of course that might have had something to do with the fact that I didn't agree with the amount of alcohol she had in her system.
My personal opinion on deep emotional attachments is that they can go take a hike, but that's been my long-standing opinion. I'm a little bummed that I won't be watching football this season, because I never got around to getting that HD antenna for my TV, so I can't bring in the games, and the season or pre-season stuff all kicked off. Kind of sucks. But I suppose I've been busy enough that I wouldn't be watching it all that often anyway. It's crossed my mind a couple of times recently that it might be nice to be able to watch the election coverage, or the debates, but I can always watch them online. I'm torn though, because sometimes it feels like I'm cut off from what goes on in the world, even though I have internets. It's very peculiar.
Oh, ha. I got summoned for jury duty. LOL.
Oh, yes. And I called Phillip's phone when his suicide blogs went back online and realized it's been disconnected. I think I was going to give one more last-ditch effort at repairing that breach, but that more or less established neatly for me that he was fine now, and had someone else to make sure he was okay. That's good, and I'm sure he wouldn't have shut the phone down if his girlfriend wasn't taking good care of him now. He knew I'd be there if he needed me, and he obviously doesn't now. I'm glad things worked out for him, that was all I really wanted for him in the first place, once I got past the anger and resentment. He wanted it so badly, that I'm glad he finally is happy. Perhaps now I'll sleep again, knowing that he's safe. That'll be good :)
Okay, goodnight internets. Sweet dreams.
My gods, how I love Questionable Content. I truly do. I wish I'd had those kinds of acquaintances when I was in college. Oh wait! I *am* in college! I knew karma had to smile on me at some point!
In all seriousness though. So the asshat over the weekend notwithstanding, I suppose I'm doing alright, aside from a slight case of the "damn, I need to get laid". Which I'll probably get around to doing shortly. Maybe all the people who kept telling Stacey that night at the bar that all she needed to do to get over Phillip was get under someone else. Maybe they were right? I'm beginning to think that perhaps they had the correct idea. I didn't think so at the time, of course that might have had something to do with the fact that I didn't agree with the amount of alcohol she had in her system.
My personal opinion on deep emotional attachments is that they can go take a hike, but that's been my long-standing opinion. I'm a little bummed that I won't be watching football this season, because I never got around to getting that HD antenna for my TV, so I can't bring in the games, and the season or pre-season stuff all kicked off. Kind of sucks. But I suppose I've been busy enough that I wouldn't be watching it all that often anyway. It's crossed my mind a couple of times recently that it might be nice to be able to watch the election coverage, or the debates, but I can always watch them online. I'm torn though, because sometimes it feels like I'm cut off from what goes on in the world, even though I have internets. It's very peculiar.
Oh, ha. I got summoned for jury duty. LOL.
Oh, yes. And I called Phillip's phone when his suicide blogs went back online and realized it's been disconnected. I think I was going to give one more last-ditch effort at repairing that breach, but that more or less established neatly for me that he was fine now, and had someone else to make sure he was okay. That's good, and I'm sure he wouldn't have shut the phone down if his girlfriend wasn't taking good care of him now. He knew I'd be there if he needed me, and he obviously doesn't now. I'm glad things worked out for him, that was all I really wanted for him in the first place, once I got past the anger and resentment. He wanted it so badly, that I'm glad he finally is happy. Perhaps now I'll sleep again, knowing that he's safe. That'll be good :)
Okay, goodnight internets. Sweet dreams.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
A year ago today
Monday August 27, 2007. That was a year ago, today.
And things have changed, haven't they? Today is August 27, 2008. And a year has passed, and I'm sitting here, and in the background is once again playing Ice Cube's "Today was a good day" on my iTunes. But it's not the same now. I re-read that blog post from a year ago, and it hurt, and all I could do was shake my head, and think about all of what's happened since that day.
I wouldn't have thought that so many things would have happened in 12 months. I wouldn't have believed it if someone would have told me then that this could have happened. I still don't quite believe it.
Twelve months ago, I was trying to stabilize from the seizures. Trying to pull it together from problems with Danny. Carl was getting ready to leave for Portland, and Phillip had just gotten back in touch, after a decade long silence.
I'd just barely started going out, to see Nathan's new band Approaching Darkness, and to meet his wife, and to begin living a life that I'd put on hold for longer than I care to think about.
Just barely started coming back out of the darkness that I'd been living in too long. Things were finally beginning to get better for me, and I was just starting to live.
And now, twelve months later? I'm living on my own. I'm still in touch with Sam and Nathan. But that's about all that is the same. Nathan still plays for Approaching Darkness. They're pretty hot on the local band scene, actually. And I still enjoy seeing them play. And Nathan's wife turned out to be absolutely awesome, and I'm very glad I met her, and got to know her.
Danny and I split up, after having been together for seven years, and he moved out, and moved on, in less than a month. I guess he's happy now, and they're doing well, talking about babies and marriage and whatnot. So sayeth the grapevine. It's none of my business, and honestly, no longer any of my concern. I wish him well, and I've moved on.
Phillip and I became friends again, after the ten years we were apart, and became lovers again as well, for a brief time. But there were too many things in the way, and things just couldn't work. I thought he was someone he just isn't, and I ended up hoping for things that couldn't be. And in the end, we couldn't even be friends anymore. I would have hoped to remain friends, but that isn't to be, and I've made my peace with it, and, like Danny, I wish him well. It's Fresno, and I'll do my best to stay clear of him, as that's his wish, but I can't do more than that for him. He knows where I tend to be, and he can avoid me if he wishes.
I've gone from being a complete hermit all the time a year ago, to being someone with a full social life now. I'm actively dating again, and have lost a substantial amount of the weight I've been carrying around for the last decade. So much so, that people no longer pretend that I'm not there. And that's been hard for me to adjust to, because I've started getting attention from men again, and I'm having to learn how to handle it. But I'm managing, and it's been...not too bad.
We'll see how I handle it, once I get into the full swing of things like rejection from the entire dating scenario, and the actual physical aspects of things. I'm not sure how I'll deal with that, but it's bound to be something I need to think about, so I am.
The other things I'm adjusting to are school and work, respectively. I worked full time from May until the beginning of August, and now that school has started, that's slacked off. But now I'm a full-time student, taking courses at the local college, and that's been another major change for me. It's a lot more work than I had really expected it to be, because school was never really challenging for me before. So this is difficult. I hadn't anticipated how different my life was going to be, now that I'm a student with a neurological disability. I actually do having a learning disability now, and that takes some getting used to for a person who always had it very easy.
Living alone has also been an adjustment, but that's been a really good one for me, I've enjoyed learning how to adapt to that. I eat what I want, when I want. I take care of my cat and myself, without having to answer to anyone. There's no worrying about whether there will be dishes in the kitchen, or if the washing machine will be in use. And I like that. I like knowing that whatever I left somewhere will still be there when I go to find it. It's very pleasant for me, because of my Obsessive Compulsive tendencies. I had always thought that might be the case, and finding out that was true was somewhat reassuring.
To a certain extent, I miss having someone to take care of. Someone to wake up with in the morning, and cook for at night. Just someone to hold sometimes. There are a few things that I really, truly do miss. But I'm doing very well, overall. From the way things were a year ago, I've done remarkably well, given all the changes, and how much I've had to overcome to get me to this point.
I honestly wasn't sure whether or not I would just give up, and take all the pills I had in my arsenal, and not care anymore. Because there isn't anyone here to stop me, and I don't really have anyone to answer to anymore. I realize that people would be upset, and I know that I'm loved. But I also know that in the end, it wouldn't be my child or my parents who would find me. It would be someone random, like my manager.
I've been depressed over the last months. I've been upset, and lonely, and yes, even suicidal at times. But it's passing. And I'm getting stronger day by day. So from a year ago, to today? It's improving. And I'm getting to the point where I can feel better more days than not. It isn't sunshine and roses. But at least it isn't always dark.
A year ago everything was dark, with a bright spot. Then everything was dark, with no sun at all.
And now? It's mostly sun, with the occasional dark days, and I'm managing to work through them.
Life moves on. And I'm moving on with it.
And things have changed, haven't they? Today is August 27, 2008. And a year has passed, and I'm sitting here, and in the background is once again playing Ice Cube's "Today was a good day" on my iTunes. But it's not the same now. I re-read that blog post from a year ago, and it hurt, and all I could do was shake my head, and think about all of what's happened since that day.
I wouldn't have thought that so many things would have happened in 12 months. I wouldn't have believed it if someone would have told me then that this could have happened. I still don't quite believe it.
Twelve months ago, I was trying to stabilize from the seizures. Trying to pull it together from problems with Danny. Carl was getting ready to leave for Portland, and Phillip had just gotten back in touch, after a decade long silence.
I'd just barely started going out, to see Nathan's new band Approaching Darkness, and to meet his wife, and to begin living a life that I'd put on hold for longer than I care to think about.
Just barely started coming back out of the darkness that I'd been living in too long. Things were finally beginning to get better for me, and I was just starting to live.
And now, twelve months later? I'm living on my own. I'm still in touch with Sam and Nathan. But that's about all that is the same. Nathan still plays for Approaching Darkness. They're pretty hot on the local band scene, actually. And I still enjoy seeing them play. And Nathan's wife turned out to be absolutely awesome, and I'm very glad I met her, and got to know her.
Danny and I split up, after having been together for seven years, and he moved out, and moved on, in less than a month. I guess he's happy now, and they're doing well, talking about babies and marriage and whatnot. So sayeth the grapevine. It's none of my business, and honestly, no longer any of my concern. I wish him well, and I've moved on.
Phillip and I became friends again, after the ten years we were apart, and became lovers again as well, for a brief time. But there were too many things in the way, and things just couldn't work. I thought he was someone he just isn't, and I ended up hoping for things that couldn't be. And in the end, we couldn't even be friends anymore. I would have hoped to remain friends, but that isn't to be, and I've made my peace with it, and, like Danny, I wish him well. It's Fresno, and I'll do my best to stay clear of him, as that's his wish, but I can't do more than that for him. He knows where I tend to be, and he can avoid me if he wishes.
I've gone from being a complete hermit all the time a year ago, to being someone with a full social life now. I'm actively dating again, and have lost a substantial amount of the weight I've been carrying around for the last decade. So much so, that people no longer pretend that I'm not there. And that's been hard for me to adjust to, because I've started getting attention from men again, and I'm having to learn how to handle it. But I'm managing, and it's been...not too bad.
We'll see how I handle it, once I get into the full swing of things like rejection from the entire dating scenario, and the actual physical aspects of things. I'm not sure how I'll deal with that, but it's bound to be something I need to think about, so I am.
The other things I'm adjusting to are school and work, respectively. I worked full time from May until the beginning of August, and now that school has started, that's slacked off. But now I'm a full-time student, taking courses at the local college, and that's been another major change for me. It's a lot more work than I had really expected it to be, because school was never really challenging for me before. So this is difficult. I hadn't anticipated how different my life was going to be, now that I'm a student with a neurological disability. I actually do having a learning disability now, and that takes some getting used to for a person who always had it very easy.
Living alone has also been an adjustment, but that's been a really good one for me, I've enjoyed learning how to adapt to that. I eat what I want, when I want. I take care of my cat and myself, without having to answer to anyone. There's no worrying about whether there will be dishes in the kitchen, or if the washing machine will be in use. And I like that. I like knowing that whatever I left somewhere will still be there when I go to find it. It's very pleasant for me, because of my Obsessive Compulsive tendencies. I had always thought that might be the case, and finding out that was true was somewhat reassuring.
To a certain extent, I miss having someone to take care of. Someone to wake up with in the morning, and cook for at night. Just someone to hold sometimes. There are a few things that I really, truly do miss. But I'm doing very well, overall. From the way things were a year ago, I've done remarkably well, given all the changes, and how much I've had to overcome to get me to this point.
I honestly wasn't sure whether or not I would just give up, and take all the pills I had in my arsenal, and not care anymore. Because there isn't anyone here to stop me, and I don't really have anyone to answer to anymore. I realize that people would be upset, and I know that I'm loved. But I also know that in the end, it wouldn't be my child or my parents who would find me. It would be someone random, like my manager.
I've been depressed over the last months. I've been upset, and lonely, and yes, even suicidal at times. But it's passing. And I'm getting stronger day by day. So from a year ago, to today? It's improving. And I'm getting to the point where I can feel better more days than not. It isn't sunshine and roses. But at least it isn't always dark.
A year ago everything was dark, with a bright spot. Then everything was dark, with no sun at all.
And now? It's mostly sun, with the occasional dark days, and I'm managing to work through them.
Life moves on. And I'm moving on with it.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
I always think I know everything.
At least, I know I can come across that way, a lot of the time. And hey, the reason for that is that it turns out that way all too frequently.
That doesn't mean that I'm always right, and I know that. And it doesn't mean that when things go wrong, I don't hurt for my friends. And I'm just like anyone else in a crisis situation. I don't have the right words to make everything miraculously all right again. I can't fix everything. I can offer words that are meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I can tell you I'll listen if you need me.
And I can sit quietly in my corner, and contemplate how badly all of this sucks. And it does. Because I can remember, unfortunately, all too vividly just how much it *still* sucks that my Daddy is gone. And I still worry, daily, that something will happen to Jack. Every single day. Because I just got him, and the idea that he might suddenly not be there? Is a fact that I simply completely and totally am unprepared to come face to face with the possible reality of. I refuse to acknowledge that it might happen at some point, and will not accept it. Fate is simply not cruel enough to do that to me this soon, and I refuse to allow that.
Because I have no choice in such an event, I simply won't adhere to such an idea, and work from that basis. And I try not to think about it. I cannot imagine anything worse than having to deal with the reality of Brody's current situation. Because I've been having to deal with all kinds of things in the last few weeks that have brought me face-to-face with the reality of mortality and all the surrounding issues of it, I'm not handling any of it well. I simply can't handle it, and so my solution has been to put my head in the sand, and pretend that it's not an option.
And while yes, in reality I realize that won't work as a long-term solution, too much has gone on recently for me to handle much more. But Brody's deal right now wasn't something I could do the ostrich routine for, so I pulled it together, and did what I could, and will continue to do.
But it made me stop and think about the fact that all my normal touchstones are gone. The people I call when *I* need someone to lean on, and cling to. The people who are *my* rocks when it hurts, and I need someone to hug, and know that whether I'm crying or not, they'll understand me, and just be there. And it hurt to realize that in one way or another, that's gone now. And I'm working my way through that now.
I honestly think that I took that harder than I have anything else in the last few months. Not the loss of the "boyfriends". Not the anger, and the lashing out. The realization that I had lost the friendships that meant so much to me, and that in a large way, they were my own fault. I hadn't intended for that to be the result, but it was. In both Phillip's and Danny's cases, they're both gone for the same reason. In order to preserve their own relationships, they can't have a friendship with me, and that made me sad. It hurt, more than anything else, to realize that I lost friendships I truly cherished, and it was in large part my own fault.
I was talking about it with Sissa today, and I know she didn't agree with me, but it was the truth, even though she didn't like it. Phillip didn't walk away from me to just be mean, and I know it. I *hate* admitting it, but at the base of it, he walked away because if he hadn't, he would have lost his chance at a relationship that he wanted more than anything. Yes, he got issued an ultimatum, and he made a choice I didn't like. But that was his choice to make, and not mine. And I had no right to cast stones at him for wanting to be happy, and I know it. Just because I was angry, I had no right to want to hurt him for being happy, simply because I was unhappy. And however much it sucked at the time? He had the right to want to be happy. And we would have stayed friends had *I* not insisted his girlfriend know what had gone on. That was my fault, and the consequences were ones I have to live with. Even my anger has finally worn off. And now all that's left is the loss of a friendship I ruined all by myself.
And I've done the same to my friendship with Danny. Thirteen years gone, because I simply can't keep handling watching him with his new love. The constant petty attacks from her are driving me up the wall, and I just can't keep dealing, and I've cut him out of my life. Because I don't know what else I could do. And while that's my choice, and it was a choice that I know he didn't want me to make, I simply don't know what else to do. I've tried to weigh it from all sides, and my instinct tells me things are not going to improve. I gave it time. I tried space. I tried playing by the new "rules". Nothing seemed to improve anything in any way. Every time I gave in, more was asked, until I simply had nothing left to give. I spent half my time crying, and the other half wanting to scream, or actually yelling at him, for things he had no control over. And that wasn't fair either.
And I care too much about him to want him to be unhappy anymore because of me. He doesn't deserve to be caught between a rock and a hard place. He deserves to move on and be happy, without having to make a choice between the woman he was with for so long, and the woman he's with now. Nobody should have to be stuck in between two women, with an attachment to both. And Danny isn't very good at trying to appease both of us. And I don't want him to hurt anymore. So I walked away.
But Gods, it hurts. And now when I look around, and listen to the silence, and know that there's nothing and no one left to call, and absolutely nobody to cry on? It's frightening. And it's difficult. And I don't know what to think, or how to handle the idea. It's a very empty feeling, knowing that I ruined those friendships, and knowing that I'll never get them back. Some wounds take a long time to heal. Some never do, and I've learned that. They might scar over, but they never completely heal.
Actions have consequences, and all lessons get learned at some point. And while I learned mine, even having learned them doesn't mean that I can get back what I lost.
I wish them well. I hope they'll be happy now. I'm sorry for the pain I caused, and the damage I did. But it doesn't change anything now, and I know that too. Because I've learned that I don't know everything, and I can't always fix everything. Sorry doesn't fix some things. Some injuries are permanent, and some damage is too great to be repaired. And some things you just have to live with.
That doesn't mean that I'm always right, and I know that. And it doesn't mean that when things go wrong, I don't hurt for my friends. And I'm just like anyone else in a crisis situation. I don't have the right words to make everything miraculously all right again. I can't fix everything. I can offer words that are meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I can tell you I'll listen if you need me.
And I can sit quietly in my corner, and contemplate how badly all of this sucks. And it does. Because I can remember, unfortunately, all too vividly just how much it *still* sucks that my Daddy is gone. And I still worry, daily, that something will happen to Jack. Every single day. Because I just got him, and the idea that he might suddenly not be there? Is a fact that I simply completely and totally am unprepared to come face to face with the possible reality of. I refuse to acknowledge that it might happen at some point, and will not accept it. Fate is simply not cruel enough to do that to me this soon, and I refuse to allow that.
Because I have no choice in such an event, I simply won't adhere to such an idea, and work from that basis. And I try not to think about it. I cannot imagine anything worse than having to deal with the reality of Brody's current situation. Because I've been having to deal with all kinds of things in the last few weeks that have brought me face-to-face with the reality of mortality and all the surrounding issues of it, I'm not handling any of it well. I simply can't handle it, and so my solution has been to put my head in the sand, and pretend that it's not an option.
And while yes, in reality I realize that won't work as a long-term solution, too much has gone on recently for me to handle much more. But Brody's deal right now wasn't something I could do the ostrich routine for, so I pulled it together, and did what I could, and will continue to do.
But it made me stop and think about the fact that all my normal touchstones are gone. The people I call when *I* need someone to lean on, and cling to. The people who are *my* rocks when it hurts, and I need someone to hug, and know that whether I'm crying or not, they'll understand me, and just be there. And it hurt to realize that in one way or another, that's gone now. And I'm working my way through that now.
I honestly think that I took that harder than I have anything else in the last few months. Not the loss of the "boyfriends". Not the anger, and the lashing out. The realization that I had lost the friendships that meant so much to me, and that in a large way, they were my own fault. I hadn't intended for that to be the result, but it was. In both Phillip's and Danny's cases, they're both gone for the same reason. In order to preserve their own relationships, they can't have a friendship with me, and that made me sad. It hurt, more than anything else, to realize that I lost friendships I truly cherished, and it was in large part my own fault.
I was talking about it with Sissa today, and I know she didn't agree with me, but it was the truth, even though she didn't like it. Phillip didn't walk away from me to just be mean, and I know it. I *hate* admitting it, but at the base of it, he walked away because if he hadn't, he would have lost his chance at a relationship that he wanted more than anything. Yes, he got issued an ultimatum, and he made a choice I didn't like. But that was his choice to make, and not mine. And I had no right to cast stones at him for wanting to be happy, and I know it. Just because I was angry, I had no right to want to hurt him for being happy, simply because I was unhappy. And however much it sucked at the time? He had the right to want to be happy. And we would have stayed friends had *I* not insisted his girlfriend know what had gone on. That was my fault, and the consequences were ones I have to live with. Even my anger has finally worn off. And now all that's left is the loss of a friendship I ruined all by myself.
And I've done the same to my friendship with Danny. Thirteen years gone, because I simply can't keep handling watching him with his new love. The constant petty attacks from her are driving me up the wall, and I just can't keep dealing, and I've cut him out of my life. Because I don't know what else I could do. And while that's my choice, and it was a choice that I know he didn't want me to make, I simply don't know what else to do. I've tried to weigh it from all sides, and my instinct tells me things are not going to improve. I gave it time. I tried space. I tried playing by the new "rules". Nothing seemed to improve anything in any way. Every time I gave in, more was asked, until I simply had nothing left to give. I spent half my time crying, and the other half wanting to scream, or actually yelling at him, for things he had no control over. And that wasn't fair either.
And I care too much about him to want him to be unhappy anymore because of me. He doesn't deserve to be caught between a rock and a hard place. He deserves to move on and be happy, without having to make a choice between the woman he was with for so long, and the woman he's with now. Nobody should have to be stuck in between two women, with an attachment to both. And Danny isn't very good at trying to appease both of us. And I don't want him to hurt anymore. So I walked away.
But Gods, it hurts. And now when I look around, and listen to the silence, and know that there's nothing and no one left to call, and absolutely nobody to cry on? It's frightening. And it's difficult. And I don't know what to think, or how to handle the idea. It's a very empty feeling, knowing that I ruined those friendships, and knowing that I'll never get them back. Some wounds take a long time to heal. Some never do, and I've learned that. They might scar over, but they never completely heal.
Actions have consequences, and all lessons get learned at some point. And while I learned mine, even having learned them doesn't mean that I can get back what I lost.
I wish them well. I hope they'll be happy now. I'm sorry for the pain I caused, and the damage I did. But it doesn't change anything now, and I know that too. Because I've learned that I don't know everything, and I can't always fix everything. Sorry doesn't fix some things. Some injuries are permanent, and some damage is too great to be repaired. And some things you just have to live with.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Everything's Done
And I just want it all over. I want things finalized, and finished and I want it over. I'm sick of fighting, and I'm sick of hurting, and I want it done.
I want the move done, and I want to move on with my life. I want Danny and Mona to move to his parents, so that I can start the process of finally getting past this complete clusterfuck that's been the last six months that should never have happened in the first place. I shouldn't have allowed it.
I thought I was doing a good thing, back before Danny and I broke up. Mona needed a place for her and Cora, and Kat and Brandon smoked, and so I really thought I was doing a good thing. I had no idea that Mona had an eye on my then-boyfriend. I didn't realize that I was going to end up breaking up with Danny. I honestly didn't realize my life was going to go to hell in a handbasket, or that things were going to get as completely ass-over-teakettle as they have in the last six months.
Danny and I broke up, and that might have been okay, if I hadn't then had to spend the next six months living in an apartment where Mona proceeded to run around naked, with her kid sleeping in either my living room or my dining room, and where she herself was plastered at every available opportunity across the lap of my ex-fiance. With her tongue shoved as far down his throat as she could manage, as though to scream to the world "Look, I have him now, nyah nyah nyah". It was petty, childish, and for the most part, just plain mean. Yes, he and I broke up. But there was no reason for her to jump directly into bed with him. And technically even if she *was* going to date him, she should have been seeing him somewhere other than the apartment. It was blatantly rude to be screwing around with him, and hanging on him, and making out with him, constantly, in front of me.
Between that, and the drama with Phillip, and how unhappy I was and how badly I ended up treated in that situation, I've been miserable for six months, pretty much steadily. And so by now, with all I want being to be more or less left alone...god, at this point I'm just frustrated. It isn't that I can't live with a roommate. I can, and don't even have a problem with it. But I shouldn't have to live with my ex-fiance and his new girlfriend. And I sure as shit shouldn't have to have it shoved in my face day in and day out.
And when I left for a month, I shouldn't have had to come back to town to find my posessions destroyed, and money missing and essentially, I simply shouldn't have had to come back and continue to be unhappy. I stated in clear terms that I wasn't coming back for that. I was coming back under the direct terms that I was taking over the apartment, and they were leaving. Because I did *not* want to deal with the three ring circus anymore.
***
And now it's done. The keys are returned. The apartment is empty, and now I'm alone. And now, finally, I can start to move on. The place is trashed, and it's going to take me some time to put it back together. Trinette will be here in two weeks, and I'll start rebuilding things from there. She'll be here until Steven gets back from Iraq, at which point she'll move on, and begin her new life as well. And the circle of life will continue, and this chapter of the last six months that has hurt so badly will finally be complete.
And I can heal.
I've been crying for the last few weeks. I've been a basket case. I'm still a basket case, and that's fine. I will put it back together, and I will pull it all around, and at some point I will be fine again. I have to be. But I will be able to do it without constantly having shit shoved in my face, and without having to pretend that everything is sunshine and happiness when it isn't. I won't have to play maid, and constantly be picking up after other people's messes. I won't be trying to pretend that everything is okay. That's over.
I don't know where it was that Mona or Danny got it into their heads that dirty dishes cleaned themselves, or that leaving food out for my cat to eat was alright. I don't understand how it was that as roommates they seemed to think it was alright for me to have to constantly need to move their laundry out of the washer or the dryer into their room, in order to do my own, and this was an acceptable arrangement. How I was the only one who ran a vacuum cleaner, and I had to scrub my living room carpet to clean black marks out of it in order for it to not look disgusting. That the kitchen floor was covered in food and grease, and I was the only person who ever swept or mopped it. I just don't understand how at the end of six months, Danny ran interference, and I understand that he tried very very hard to clean up after Mona so that I didn't have to do it all...but she never did. I just don't understand so many things. And in the end, I just have given up.
I accept that I am neurotically clean. I'm a neat freak. Which is why the condition of my apartment at the moment is making me insane. I like order and logic and all of those obsessive compulsive things. Mona, when she first moved in here, claimed to like all of them too. But it turned out to be a complete fabrication. She doesn't clean, unless it's for show. She doesn't wash dishes. She doesn't vacuum. She doesn't take out trash, or put things away. She does laundry, but doesn't hang it up. It will sit in baskets until you cannot tell which is clean or what is dirty. I just don't understand. Why lie? If you're a messy person, that's fine. But don't claim to be something you're not.
There's nothing *wrong* with being yourself. But because I was expecting someone more like me, it drove me crazy, because I ended up being the maid, and ended up watching her hang all over Danny. For months. And I've since learned she only does that, hangs on him, in front of me. It's sort of like marking territory, and I find it kind of sad. I'm not trying to get Danny back. I have my own freaking problems, and trying to get Danny back would simply add to them at this point. I don't *want* to steal him away, and I've said that, repeatedly. And she never once listened.
I don't get it. I probably never will. I should probably just be grateful that I have my peace and quiet and peace of mind now. The apartment will be put to rights. I will steam clean the floors. I will slowly fix things. And then I will put it all behind me and life will move on.
I want the move done, and I want to move on with my life. I want Danny and Mona to move to his parents, so that I can start the process of finally getting past this complete clusterfuck that's been the last six months that should never have happened in the first place. I shouldn't have allowed it.
I thought I was doing a good thing, back before Danny and I broke up. Mona needed a place for her and Cora, and Kat and Brandon smoked, and so I really thought I was doing a good thing. I had no idea that Mona had an eye on my then-boyfriend. I didn't realize that I was going to end up breaking up with Danny. I honestly didn't realize my life was going to go to hell in a handbasket, or that things were going to get as completely ass-over-teakettle as they have in the last six months.
Danny and I broke up, and that might have been okay, if I hadn't then had to spend the next six months living in an apartment where Mona proceeded to run around naked, with her kid sleeping in either my living room or my dining room, and where she herself was plastered at every available opportunity across the lap of my ex-fiance. With her tongue shoved as far down his throat as she could manage, as though to scream to the world "Look, I have him now, nyah nyah nyah". It was petty, childish, and for the most part, just plain mean. Yes, he and I broke up. But there was no reason for her to jump directly into bed with him. And technically even if she *was* going to date him, she should have been seeing him somewhere other than the apartment. It was blatantly rude to be screwing around with him, and hanging on him, and making out with him, constantly, in front of me.
Between that, and the drama with Phillip, and how unhappy I was and how badly I ended up treated in that situation, I've been miserable for six months, pretty much steadily. And so by now, with all I want being to be more or less left alone...god, at this point I'm just frustrated. It isn't that I can't live with a roommate. I can, and don't even have a problem with it. But I shouldn't have to live with my ex-fiance and his new girlfriend. And I sure as shit shouldn't have to have it shoved in my face day in and day out.
And when I left for a month, I shouldn't have had to come back to town to find my posessions destroyed, and money missing and essentially, I simply shouldn't have had to come back and continue to be unhappy. I stated in clear terms that I wasn't coming back for that. I was coming back under the direct terms that I was taking over the apartment, and they were leaving. Because I did *not* want to deal with the three ring circus anymore.
***
And now it's done. The keys are returned. The apartment is empty, and now I'm alone. And now, finally, I can start to move on. The place is trashed, and it's going to take me some time to put it back together. Trinette will be here in two weeks, and I'll start rebuilding things from there. She'll be here until Steven gets back from Iraq, at which point she'll move on, and begin her new life as well. And the circle of life will continue, and this chapter of the last six months that has hurt so badly will finally be complete.
And I can heal.
I've been crying for the last few weeks. I've been a basket case. I'm still a basket case, and that's fine. I will put it back together, and I will pull it all around, and at some point I will be fine again. I have to be. But I will be able to do it without constantly having shit shoved in my face, and without having to pretend that everything is sunshine and happiness when it isn't. I won't have to play maid, and constantly be picking up after other people's messes. I won't be trying to pretend that everything is okay. That's over.
I don't know where it was that Mona or Danny got it into their heads that dirty dishes cleaned themselves, or that leaving food out for my cat to eat was alright. I don't understand how it was that as roommates they seemed to think it was alright for me to have to constantly need to move their laundry out of the washer or the dryer into their room, in order to do my own, and this was an acceptable arrangement. How I was the only one who ran a vacuum cleaner, and I had to scrub my living room carpet to clean black marks out of it in order for it to not look disgusting. That the kitchen floor was covered in food and grease, and I was the only person who ever swept or mopped it. I just don't understand how at the end of six months, Danny ran interference, and I understand that he tried very very hard to clean up after Mona so that I didn't have to do it all...but she never did. I just don't understand so many things. And in the end, I just have given up.
I accept that I am neurotically clean. I'm a neat freak. Which is why the condition of my apartment at the moment is making me insane. I like order and logic and all of those obsessive compulsive things. Mona, when she first moved in here, claimed to like all of them too. But it turned out to be a complete fabrication. She doesn't clean, unless it's for show. She doesn't wash dishes. She doesn't vacuum. She doesn't take out trash, or put things away. She does laundry, but doesn't hang it up. It will sit in baskets until you cannot tell which is clean or what is dirty. I just don't understand. Why lie? If you're a messy person, that's fine. But don't claim to be something you're not.
There's nothing *wrong* with being yourself. But because I was expecting someone more like me, it drove me crazy, because I ended up being the maid, and ended up watching her hang all over Danny. For months. And I've since learned she only does that, hangs on him, in front of me. It's sort of like marking territory, and I find it kind of sad. I'm not trying to get Danny back. I have my own freaking problems, and trying to get Danny back would simply add to them at this point. I don't *want* to steal him away, and I've said that, repeatedly. And she never once listened.
I don't get it. I probably never will. I should probably just be grateful that I have my peace and quiet and peace of mind now. The apartment will be put to rights. I will steam clean the floors. I will slowly fix things. And then I will put it all behind me and life will move on.
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