wonderful

I'm so tired. Do you ever feel that way? A deep in the bones exhaustion? As though you just want to go and find a nice quiet cave, and pull the covers over your head, take a big bottle of sleeping pills, and go to sleep, and never wake up? There are days when I would dearly love to do that.

I realize that it's impractical to go and do that, and I am much too stubborn to give in to that sort of melodramatic bullshit. But there are days when it would just be so simple to go to sleep and not wake up. And today is definitely one of those days.

I dropped off the rent check this morning, and all of my bills are paid. Hooray? I know, I know, it's probably something I should be more excited about. And I am, realistically. It's good, knowing that everything is going as well as it is. I finally have the house more or less running well, and school will start soon. I'm pretty excited about that, and scared as well.

And I'm actually pretty happy with my life, truth be told. I've been asked out three different times in the last couple of weeks, even though I'd turned them down. I'm not going to continue turning them down anymore, well, some I will, because eww, white boys are still not my thing, but some of the others who have asked seemed like it might be fun. But in general, most of the time? I'm pretty happy I guess.

And then there are days like today. When the hours stretch out before me, and I just don't know what to do with myself. It's sad, really. I could watch movies. Play video games. Play with the computer or surf the internet. I have things I can do. I have myriad books to read, which are finally back out on the bookcases, so they're easily accessible. And there's absolutely nothing I want to do. So here I sit, writing a blog, whining about how bored I am, and how restless, and how I don't know what to do with myself.

And that's the joke, right? A houseful of things to entertain myself with, and none of it is appealing, and I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk to anyone, not really. And the incessant chatter in my head is overwhelming me, with all the things I want to say, or things I want to do, that I'm unwilling to, because I have too much personal responsibility to take those types of actions. Too much class maybe? Perhaps. Possibly that I won't break the law, that might be it. There are certain personal rules I won't break within myself. So I'll sit, and stew, and essentially drive myself quietly insane, and play with my cat, and glare angrily at my computer monitor, and wait for this, too, to pass.

I don't know. I just want everything to stop. I've cut every tie I can think of, broken every connection, and severed every cord. If I could think of anything else to do, I would. And from the other angle that's bothering me, and making me unhappy? I broke all those ties as well. And just walked away, and have done my best to think about it as little as possible, which works out most of the time.

I've filled my days and my nights with other activities, new hobbies, anything at all to distract and distance myself from how things used to be, and it worked.

And now I'm just tired. And I want to go to sleep, and dream a dreamless sleep, where nothing hurts, and I think about nothing. And I just never wake up, so that in the end, there just is nothing anymore, because it would be easy. And I want it to be easy now. Because I am so very tired of it being difficult. Of having to cope, and having to find a solution to problems alone. And of having to put on a good show for everyone of how very well I'm doing, and that everything is wonderful now.

(playing - Wonderful: Everclear)