Where you go, what you do, when you think no one's watching you

Appearances can be deceiving. People have what I have termed for so long, I can no longer remember when I first started using the phrase, "their default expression". The look that they wear, when they no longer remember to put an expression on their faces. I'm aware of my default expression more often than not, because I have to consciously remember to change it, which is why I'm aware of mine. I've been told throughout my entire life that I either look sad/depressed, or devoid of emotion entirely. I look empty, as though there is nothing and no one inside. Because of this, I generally keep some sort of conscious expression in place. Unfortunately, that conscious expression has been described as "arrogant and cocky." This meaning that for the most part, my secondary default is generally a cross between laughter and a smirk. I find life and people to be vastly amusing, and will readily laugh at their antics, or at whatever I happen to be thinking, and it reflects on my face.

It's better than having a chilling emptiness reflected on my features.

The end result, of knowing that I wear a mask a lot of the time, is that most people are unaware of how much expression they portray, the signs they give off with their eyes and facial changes as whatever is going through their minds rearranges their faces for everyone to see. Their easy default is right there to read, and I am very fond of watching people. It's an interesting pasttime.

But I also realized that I have another hobby that I enjoy, and it keys into my people-watching. People have a default expression, but most people who are intimately linked to music in some fashion, will also have a 'default' switch for music as well. They're drawn to lyrics, things that will give them away unconsciously as they stream their choices for people.

This age of technology, where everyone is so linked together and connected, and no one puts any thought into what they might or might not show to the world, with their choices for music, for art, for photography, is something I rather enjoy. The choices people make in what they like, where their passions lie, show a lot about who they are, and who they believe themselves to be.

I called my playlist on my blog here "music to suit my mood", for a reason. Because I accept that I go through moods, and they're ever-changing. I was conscious of what I was putting up, when I select various songs, and the lyrics that are associated with them. A lot of people are not as conscious of what such things might say about them. The first song on my playlist was dedicated to me almost half a lifetime ago, in one of the darkest times of my life, when it was pointed out to me that I was so closed off from everyone as to be almost dead, and the only person who couldn't see it, was me. My friends, then, tried to save me. They couldn't...that failing was mine. I wasn't ready then. But that song, and what it reminds me of, has stayed with me for the rest of my life. As a gentle reminder of something I don't need to be.

There is an amazing forum for watching what people make available to people to dissect of their personalities online now. It's part of why I like the blogosphere. Half anonymity, half personal expression. It's why I write, because for me it's a wonderful balance. It gives me an outlet, a much-needed outlet, with feedback. But it constantly amazes me the amount that people put on display, without giving any thought at all, to what they're showing. Or perhaps they're more open than I am, and more willing to just let it hang out? Or maybe they're simply lying, and everything they do or say online is a sham.

I suppose that's fine too, leading an online life separate from the real-world life. People do that in the video games I play all the time. There's even a game *called* that. "Second-life". Whole concept is to have a make-believe life. So perhaps I'm the one who would have it wrong in that case? I'm not sure.

It goes along with the secondary reality theory that's been bopping about in my head again lately. Parallel lines, and...damnit, I'm not even getting started on that, it will just make my brain hurt and I'll end up with a headache again. That is not conducive to the next couple of weeks, so no headaches for me.