Being a jerk, and being slapped in the face with it

It really really sucks, when you happen to have done something that is fairly high on 'I was a jackass' scale, without having really meant to, and then realized, quite a while later, that you did. Even unintentionally?

I knew, I've always known, when someone is hurting, when it's someone I have a tie to. Especially when it's a tie that bound us. Distance helps, to a certain extent, and I can sometimes block well enough to put it out of reach for blocks of time. But when something is completely fucked in their world, it will generally at least skew things in mine, and I know it.

And I ignored it. Have been ignoring it. Because it was easier, because it's the way I need it to be. Because it's the way it has to be, and the way everything was put in place for all parties concerned. I did what they wanted, finally, and I walked away. And I, for the most part, buried it.

I was wrong. And it's becoming more and more obvious with each passing day, just how wrong, as evidence of how badly things are going shatters the zone around me. Not how badly things are going *for me*, because in all honesty, my world is actually peaceful, and I'm doing well.

But I can feel the instability, and the fact that the breaking point is near and that I can't help, and don't have any way to do anything at all to slide balance back under, hurts. It is not in my nature, to let someone I love, fall, and break under strain they can't handle. Especially if I know that I *am* strong enough to hold them. That I always was. Even when I didn't want to be, that is one of my redeeming qualities, is that I am strong enough, to keep everything together, while they regain their equilibrium, and can find their own balance again.

And it decimates me, to feel and to know what is falling apart, that no one else sees. That no one else helps. That no one else is holding. Being strong on the surface, and holding it together until it's too late, might make everyone lose. I'm not sure they realize it, because no one else understands the risk. You don't let them in, because you truly believe you have to protect everyone.

You never needed to protect me, because I had enough to give, to hold you up, and keep you safe, and keep myself intact in the process. It frustrates and confuses you, that I can do that, that I have that, that I'm capable of that. And I'm sorry that it twists you. I can't help that.

You don't need my presence, to take that strength. Re-open the damned conduit that will let that back in. Stop blocking me. It will ground you as it always did, and give you the strength to hold, as it always has. You probably never recognized it before, and I no longer care, as long as you're safe, and in one piece. I can give it back, if you're willing to take it. Don't fall because of your pride. Don't let them lose you, because you won't take help. Please.