867-5309 (who could I turn to? You gave me something I could hold on to)

Might be a little random, but that's okay. I need to cut my fingernails, and am actually going to, here shortly. One of them is depressingly weak, and trimming them will strengthen it when it grows back out. It's almost Ezzie bedtime, which means it's also my bedtime, and I'm sleepy.

All snarking aside, I just don't get it. I'm actually about to start apartment hunting, so that at the end of February I can move, and thus no longer be living in the same place I have been. Not that I don't like my apartment, but I simply no longer want to be living where anyone knows where I am. I'll be changing out my phone numbers at the same time, and not leaving a forwarding number, and aside from this blog, I'll be shutting down the MySpace account and Facebook I have, and if I put new ones online, they won't be listed with my own name at all. I guess it's gotten to that point.

That sort of makes me sad. But the truth of the matter is that all of it has long since gone on more than long enough. Some of that's my fault, and some of it isn't, and I can't even see the line anymore. And I don't care anymore. I just want to not think about it. I wish that this city was bigger, and there was no chance of randomly seeing him on the street, but I can deal with and cope with that. I realized that when I caught sight of him, and realized how trivial it's all become. But the idea of anything beyond that? No, I don't think so.

I'm not sure who it is that's finding it so amusing to fuck with me. Although having given it some thought recently, I'm wondering in retrospect if I'm blaming the correct person. I'd forgotten the types of games people like to play, and suddenly am wondering, not that it matters much. I won't be available for anyone to push those buttons at all, and it won't matter anyway.

I found my happy place. I can laugh again, I can smile, and see what might happen without all the weight of the world collapsing on top of me, and my feeling like I was going to break. And I like it here.

I can look at Danny, and things are good now, and we're happy. I can see Phil on the street, and see who he is, and not fall to pieces. I'm whole again. The broken pieces that had me falling to my knees at the thought of my life without them in it? Those pieces have either healed, or aren't going to, and I've dealt with it.

And that's fine now, and moving on, and living in a new place, surrounding myself with things that have no connotations to those parts of my life, is simply one more step down a road I've been walking on for a while now. A road I plan to continue walking on, seeing where it leads me.

I'm stronger now, than I have been in a while. I won't say that I'm healthier now, because I'm not. But I am stronger, emotionally and physically than I have been in quite some time. I'm not as fragile as I was. I have begun to deal in a different way with things, than I used to.

We shall see, how it goes from here.