How far I've come, and where I'm going

I was having a conversation yesterday, and I realized when I made this statement, that it was true:

"While, yes, I'm still angry at times? I want them to be happy. They deserve to be happy, the same way I do. I don't begrudge anyone that anymore."

And yes, I'm still angry about some things, I'm not perfect. I'm never going to be, and that's alright. But I've come a long way, and I'm getting better. Who I am? I'm not sure who that is, exactly. And that's fine now too. But I'm not walking around as a huge ball of pain anymore, wanting revenge, or wanting to cry, or wanting things the way they used to be.

I have dreams now, goals, places in my life that I'm going. They're not as clearly defined as I might want them to be, and that's fine too. Because there's a path, and I'm following it. It doesn't need to be perfectly straight, because that isn't my way. And my way is the one that's right *for me*.

But when I said the words, that I wanted people, the ones I used to know, the people I used to love? To be happy? It was true, and that made me happy, to know that I don't begrudge them their happiness. I don't envy them, and I don't want their lives to be worse, so that mine can be better.

The simple truth of the matter is, that my life is actually, on the whole, getting better, day by day. No one's life is wonderful all the time.

For me, for my life, for the last nearly year, I have been incredibly stupid. And in my blind pain, and in my rage, I forgot something that I really wish I hadn't. And I came face-to-face with it, recently, because some of my medications have stopped working, and my health has gone into a backwards spin. I very nearly died, in 2004. I was told that I was going to. For all intents and purposes, what I had was terminal, and it was through a medical miracle, and my having been strong enough, and scared enough, and brave enough, to be willing to let them try to save me, that I'm still alive. And I know that.

But I could easily, not be. And I could just as easily not be *me*. I could be living a half-life, with no ability to communicate. I could be paralyzed. There were *so many* things that could have gone wrong, that didn't. What happened in 2004 gave me a second chance, and I took it. And I have worked at making sure I took good care of myself since then.

And when they finally figured out what the rest of what's broken in me was, and started treating me for it, I have followed to the letter, what the doctor's told me to do. Because I appreciate the second chance I got. And for the last year, I have had my head shoved so far up my ass, that I thought the world was ending...because I got dumped? And that's just lame. And it wasn't until recently, when my medications stopped doing what they're supposed to do, and reality came crashing in on me, that I suddenly realized that I was being colossally stupid.

And I've made an abrupt about-face, because I'm not going to keep being that dumb. I have too much going for me, and I have too much to appreciate, to keep dwelling on anything except my *life*, and what I have, and what I can make of it. I appreciate the life I've been given, and I will continue to appreciate that with every breath I draw, until I can't anymore.

That's the gift I was handed nearly five years ago, and one I'm not ready to give up yet. I will continue to keep doing what I'm doing, and living the life I'm living, and improving who I am and who I'll be and become, every day, because that's who I am now.

Because, you know what?

I am my father's daughter. I am the daughter of *BOTH* of my fathers.
SO THERE.