manipulation, threats and insults

I find it curious that people really just can't deal with me. I am evidently a big, scary monster or some variation on that theme. Who knows. But I dislike, intensely, having people attempt to manipulate me.

I grow weary of getting messages telling me this, that, or the other things, and telling me to go and talk to this person or that person. Someone wants to know something, and I need to go make up with someone. Don't I miss them? Don't I love them anymore? You know what? I was told to piss off, and leave them alone. Go away, and not come back. Those choices were made by *everyone else*, and I had to deal with them. And it sucked.

And then, after what I guess was supposed to be a suitable amount of time, and they decided they weren't "mad at me" anymore? Or they were no longer pissy, or whatever variation on the theme? Fuck, I don't know. I had been punished enough? Then, hey, time to go ahead, and grant me some kind of forgiveness? Yeah, tired of that.

I'm tired of being granted forgiveness for shit when I didn't actually do anything wrong. I'm not apologizing for things when I didn't try to hurt anyone. And I'm sick of being slapped around, and broken, simply because everyone *else* gets a stick up their ass, and I'm a handy target. It's bullshit.

And now? Sending out the minions, and when I don't do or say, or feel the way I'm supposed to? And fall in line? Being told I'm a selfish bitch, and that I should have just gone and fucking killed myself, and saved everyone the trouble? This is equally bullshit. I didn't deserve that, any of it. Getting cute little queries about what kind of person I am, and how obviously I really am a shitty person, since I've lost everyone important to me, the same way I lost my kid.

Well, a: that's no one's business. And b: that isn't true. I'm so fucking sick of this crap. I'm not even sure who started the rumor mill going again, and I don't really care at this point. But I'm tired of it.

Getting sick doesn't make me a horrible person. It doesn't make me a defunct person. It doesn't make me less of a person. Being an asshole, and spreading bullshit rumors simply because you're bent out of shape? That isn't a reflection on *me*. I never actually did respond, didn't say anything at all, and apparently that just fanned the flames, which is kind of sad. It used to be that trolls only got more upset, if you fed them. Apparently there's a new kind of troll in town, and they respond if you ignore them. Who would've thought that doing the mature thing, and not saying anything, would make things worse?

I certainly didn't. I don't quite belong anywhere, apparently. And I'm sorry about that, but mostly because I'm now being very, very careful about where I step, and what I say. To everyone.

Things are actually going decently for me, and I'm trying to keep it that way. It's not sunshine and rainbows. There are still problems, and pockets of dissent and turmoil. But I'm keeping things quiet, and steady, and I'm doing okay. I don't quite understand why it is that people feel a need to try and manipulate me into doing what I don't want to do. Why, when I don't fall into the way they want it, they issue insults and tell me nasty things designed to hurt me. I just want to be left alone and in peace.

When everyone told me to fuck off, and leave them alone, that's what I did. I'm sorry that now, they don't like the choices they made, but that isn't my fault, precisely. For months, people have beaten me over the head wanting to know why I kept repeating cycles that kept hurting me. Why I wouldn't just walk away, and leave alone things that kept hurting me? Well, see, the thing is, that now? I have walked away, and am leaving alone things that are hurting me.

I walked away, and left Phil alone. I walked away, and left alone everyone else that can hurt me. The people who told me to leave? I left alone now. The trouble is that, as always, it doesn't apply to them, except when it's convenient for them. I've stopped trying to maintain relationships with people who don't want me, except when it's handy for them. Because that's how it felt, to be kicked, hard, for trying to help, and then broken, and left bleeding. I finally listened, when told to go, and not come back. And I'm sorry, that after being told, over and over, that it's inconvenient to everyone that now, I suddenly realized that trying to salvage something that hurts me? Just...isn't worth it.

Maybe it would be nice to be able to walk down the streets here in town, and see people I used to know, and have them acknowledge me. But at the same time? I know that isn't going to happen. I never know if they're going to be people who hate me, because the memories I have of people, and the memories they have of me, don't always match. And I've learned that, the hard way, more times than I can count, over the years. So I've *finally* stopped trying. And I won't say it's stopped hurting. But at least I'm not tearing open a wound that starts to heal, and I'm not constantly ripping myself apart.

I can't and won't keep doing it. I don't have "old" friends. I don't have "new" friends. I don't really have...anything. There are just kind of people who are around, and that's enough. Because it's easier that way. And maybe I'll make "friends", once I finally leave here, and leave behind the pieces of a shattered past, where I don't remember, and where things aren't attacking me constantly, simply for having existed. But while I stay here, I'll just do what I'm doing, and keep things quiet, and as sane as I can make it, and get by. And that's enough.

But I don't need people telling me to go and kill myself, and save myself and everyone else the trouble. There's no call for that. I'm not bothering anyone. I don't want to have to focus only on hurting, to know that I'm still alive. It isn't fair, and I don't want that anymore.