I was, I am? Conflicted about today. I know that today was actually a really good day, overall. I had a series of good debates, found out some interesting information that will benefit me directly in the end once I put the work into it, and spent the day with people I enjoy, and doing things I like.
That being said? Why did my speech cut out, all day long? I just don't understand, and that bothers me. And what bothers me the most is that I suspect part of the problem might be that I spend enough of my time in my solitary pursuits now, that my actual verbal skills are taking a beating because of it. I can speak on the phone, or on vent, just fine. The trouble starts in person, when something sudden short-circuits.
And I think it might actually just be nerves. I might be my own worst enemy now. I've enabled myself to wrap into a safe cocoon, where I'm comfortable, and not need to have to deal with anything that might upset me. When things do upset me? I just cut it off.
I'm honestly not sure whether that's detrimental or not. For a while I pushed boundaries almost continuously, and pushed at everything to see how far I could go. And then I got...complacent? I'm not sure. I cannot decide if I want to go back to trying the limits, or if I want to stay in the safe zone.
I'm comfortable now. I'm content, and happy a lot of the time. I'm studying again, the things I'd put off and put away for so long. I'm delving into new things that I have interest in, and exploring all kinds of new things. But a lot of those things don't require me to interact with people in a social venue. It enables me to hide inside a computerized world, peeking out, and not letting anyone in except by my own choosing.
There's no risk anymore. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. What I can't quite decide is if I want to venture, and risk the gain? Or if I'm content where things stand. I'm laying here, with my kitty on my lap, and he's purring. I have a hot mug of tea, and that makes me happy. I had many people tell me that I was wanted, cared for, loved, today. I have friends, associates, acquaintances, to fill my time, stimulate my mind and make me happy.
I don't know anymore, whether or not I should simply take what I have, and be content with it. And that leaves me troubled, and feeling conflicted.
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Odds of fatally slipping in bath or shower: 2,232 to 1
Odds of being killed sometime in the next year in any sort of transportation accident: 77 to 1
Odds of getting killed somehow while walking around outside: 1 in 49,000
Odds of death due to burning pajamas: 1 in 97,000,000 (National Safety Council stat, and no that’s not a joke)
You take risks each and every day doing the most mundane tasks. It's not about taking risks it's about risk management.
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