Still gone

And at the end of the day, I've finally made several decisions. Not that I'm planning on posting a whole lot of detail about them on here. I figure anyone who wants to know what's going on, can call me for information, and I will probably tell them what they need to know.

I'm...calm, sort of. A little more centered. I have that perspective I've been searching for. And distance has helped. I'm going to be all right, in the long run. It's going to take time, and I have enough of that to spare, which is good.

I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. I still feel violated, and alone. And those are all valid feelings. I'm grateful to my friends. Grateful for the people who are helping me through this.

And I'm tired. Truth be told, I'm exhausted. I had a bad night last night. The power went out, I think a transformer blew out? So it was dark. And I had taken some of my medication, the one that causes me to have panic attacks when I take it. So it was dark, and I was alone. And I couldn't reach anyone to talk me down...and it sucked. I don't like being alone when I'm on those meds, and it was bad.

And I was sad, sad to realize that there was no one who would talk to me. Sad to realize that there wasn't anybody at all who was there for me now. Melissa would have gotten up, but she has kids, and things she would've needed to do today. I just wanted a voice on the phone.

I'm going to spend some time working through my feelings for a while, working through a lot of things. That's what I've been doing here. Working through things.

I was shocked to realize that what I thought I wanted back so badly? I don't, not really. I miss my friend, but beyond that? No so much. I don't like being treated like shit. Snapped at just because I happen to be there. I honestly miss my friend. But if I lose that, I can't control it. And I'll learn how to handle it.

I hadn't realized how badly I needed this space. The constant three-ring circus of my life really had twisted me into a ball of emotional instability. I hadn't realized just how much. I have spent so much of my time for the last few months making sure everyone else but me was stable and happy, without any consideration for myself, that it's ridiculous.

I placed no value on myself, unless it was for the sake of someone else. I'm not doing that now. I don't know if I'm proud of that or not. I do know that it's a novel experience for me. I have a value as a person, for just myself. Only while juggling to keep everybody else balanced, I just couldn't see it. All I could see was that I was useful to everybody else, for what I was to them. Never what I was just as me.

And being me isn't so bad. To be perfectly honest, I'm not a bad person. I really am an outstanding friend. I'm loyal to my friends. I will generally bend over backwards to help them out. And I will sit for hours on end listening to their problems, and helping find solutions. I can be counted on in times of trouble. I'm good in a crunch. I'm a damn good friend.

But I never remember to take care of myself. And it's time for me to remember to do that. I tried, the other way. Letting my happiness be dependent on what I did for others. Whether what I did for them was enough. That didn't work. This is better. Now I need to try and find a way to learn to be happy with the small things that make me happy.

Writing. Reading books. I'm having a great time playing with the babies here. My cat makes me happy. I'm betting my sewing skills are about to improve drastically, because Melissa is a hell of a seamstress, and I bet I'll pick up tips and tricks from her. I remember a time when the things I did, my hobbies, and who I was, made me happy. I didn't need external sources to make me happy. I can remember that.

The constant fight to try and force a happy relationship that didn't seem to be working, obviously wasn't worth it. Ultimately, all it did was cause trouble all the way around. I was too close to see it. I wish I'd left sooner. It might have saved a lot of pain for a lot of people. I don't like hurting people.