Mindless Babble

I can't sleep. I'm just wandering around, aimlessly. I feel lost, even in my mind. I'm supposed to be making decisions. But I'm still torn. I ran away, because I can't stand the fighting. I don't want to fight. I hate it. I just want peace. I want to be happy, is that so horrible, to want to be happy?

I want everything, and nothing, both together. I don't expect birds to sing and rainbows to shine over my head and to dance into the sunset with a perfect storybook happy ending. I never have.

But I don't want to feel alone, even when someone is with me. I don't want to reach out, and be pushed away. I don't want to always feel like you're angry with me.

I want to come home, to know that you *want* me to come home. Want to be with me once I get there. I've grown so used to you that I almost can't sleep without you with me. It hurts to not have you here. I woke up with a nightmare and reached for you..and cried when I realized there was no one. And I realized that I have gotten dependent on you for comfort. That I feel safe in my sleep with you there. That most of the nightmares are held at bay. But that might not be the case much longer. I can't control how you feel. I can't make you want to stay.

I ran away because I was afraid of a fight that we were in the middle of. I was too afraid to face anything, so I bolted. And now that I'm gone, I just don't have a clue what to do. I don't know if I should go home. I don't know if I should stay gone. I don't really know anything.

So I'm just wandering aimlessly, and thinking in circles that are essentially driving me slowly insane. And at the end of the day, I'm right back where I started. I don't know what to do.

I was hoping that perhaps I'd get some input from other sources, but I don't seem to be actually getting any help from anybody but myself. Which isn't very helpful, being that I can't seem to think in any kind of useful pattern.

This entire blog has been more or less a fruitless circle of pointless babble. Yay.

(goes whistling off into sunset) (or cloudcover)