Late nights and coffee

Or perhaps early mornings and coffee. I shouldn't even be awake right now, but I couldn't sleep again. So I'm sitting here quietly and blogging. I don't have a whole lot to say, not really. I haven't really talked to anyone except Melissa in days. She checked on me, and I cried copiously on her shoulder. A lot. I've been crying a lot. It's been kind of an off and on thing. I'm perfectly fine more or less and then the floodgates open again, and then I'm fine again. It's very strange.

I honestly don't know if there's any point to going home. I need to swing through town long enough to get more of my stuff, because I left so abruptly last week that I really didn't bring some of the things I actually do *need*. I have a list going now of some of the stuff I need. But aside from swinging through town for an hour or hour and a half to pack, and load up my car, and leave again...There's no reason to stay.

I feel...unwanted. Like an inconvenience to the people I thought loved me and wanted me to be there, and it's a very uncomfortable and painful feeling. And honestly, it hurt a lot to realize just how obsolete I am there. Just a space-filler?

I don't think anyone actually wants to have me around, because they want to be with me for *me*. I'm a convenient warm body. I'm a nice buffer in between other people. I'm good for this thing or that thing. I'm useful for a various set of functions, I suppose.

But does no one actually want me just because I'm Crystal? I'm beginning to wonder about that. And so I left. And now I'm gone...and nobody really seemed to care. I've been gone for days, and haven't talked to anyone except Melissa. I'll give credit where it's due there. She cares a lot, and has definitely been here for me in more ways than one, and I love and appreciate the masses of concern she's given me.

I know 'Chelle has been sick and so I've only talked to her online, I'm not bashing my friends. I'm just tired and frustrated and I feel abandoned and alone. Yes, I ran away. I suppose I thought that when I ran...someone would call and see if I was all right? Would care that I was gone? Would want to talk to me? Would want me to come home? And when no one did, it caused me to cry, and hurt, and have to re-evaluate a lot of things. Because the knowledge I thought I was secure in, I obviously am not now.

And at this point, because I have called a few people, and not gotten any answers at all...I have stopped even trying to call. I figure if anyone wants me, they know how to get ahold of me. I'm not that difficult to reach. I tried. So now I sit, and I think. And I write here, and in my journals for what I don't want the masses knowing. I'm reading a lot. Thinking a lot. And at the end of each day, I sigh because I know that every day that passes puts a little more space between me and "home". And at the end of each day, I know that I'm going to have to make some sort of decision soon, and I still don't know exactly what I want to do. I can't live in limbo forever.

I'm sad and lonely and alone. But I was tired of being home, and alone even when I wasn't alone. Tired of feeling like nobody cared and pretending everything was fine when it wasn't. Tired of fighting. I don't want to be just a convenience to someone. And if I'm going to *feel* lost and alone and used...I might as well just *be* alone.

I try so hard, so much of the time, to not ask for much from anyone. I don't ask for attention. I don't ask for love or much of anything. I never did. Not even with Danny. It was kind of sad, actually. I guess I always thought I just didn't deserve to ask for anything. Wasn't worth enough to deserve things like being loved or getting attention like normal people. And so when I actually do poke my head out of my shell and say I need something, and get slapped for my trouble, I flinch back and it's that much harder for me to attempt to ask for anything again. The problem with that is that I can end up getting trampled on, because I'm easily taken for granted...if you're not careful with me, you won't notice that I'm even there. And it's very easy to overlook the fact that I can be easily hurt...because I didn't ask for anything, and I worry easily because there are no normal agreements between partners in a relationship. I don't make "rules". I don't ask for even the slightest bit of common courtesy, because then I'd have to ask for something at all. I'd have to admit I need something, and I'm very very bad at that.

Reverse any and all basic situations...and you'll find that what you take as "what, do I have to check in with you?" I never, ever, cause you to have to worry about from me. You always have a rough idea of where I am, or what I'm up to. You don't need to worry about me. Common courtesy. Not a play by play. Not permission to be somewhere. Just a rough idea, because you have a rough idea of what time I'm generally going to be somewhere...and generally a goodnight call or text at the end of the day, so you know I didn't forget about you. Nothing complicated. Something I do for all my friends, actually. So no one worries about me. So they know they're valued, and appreciated in my life. So they don't need to ask me, to know that I care about them.

This has become a long ramble. I think I'm going to go and try to find something else to do to distract me, as it's now three o'clock in the morning.

Goodnight, internets.