More on the whole love addiction thing

The Avoidant Person/Love Addict Person Pattern

Person:
Avoidant person

Desires:
Wants to be connected, but not closely

Fears:
Greatest fear is intimacy/engulfment
Can have a hard time rejecting others or saying no

Attracted To:
Individuals who provide much of the enthusiasm and intimacy for both of them

Behaviours:
Ambivalence all the way through may be in relationship because can't say no

Process of a person's relationships:
May show initial traditional romantic pursuing, but ultimately enters relationship because love addict provides most of the “intimate energy”; may fear would never make into a relationship otherwise

As love addict wants more and more attention avoidant attempts to please by giving it to them--at least initially

Eventually avoidant becomes overwhelmed by enmeshment and/or neediness of love addict, becomes critical, and eventually backs off from relationship or abandons it

Feels relationship has failed, sometimes gets involved with addictive behavior or affairs to distance, distract, or numb out

May return to relationship out of guilt or fear of being totally alone, or moves on to connect with another partner

Cycle of abandoning and returning can go on and on, especially if love addict starts to move on

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Person:
Love addict

Desires:
Security, safety acceptance, “oneness” (merger)

Fears:
Greatest fear is abandonment

Underlying fear is healthy intimacy (in enmeshment the core of the person is actually sealed off)

Attracted To:
Self-contained individuals who appear strong, stable (often avoidant or obsessive compulsive, like their families of origin)

Behaviours:
Line up next relationship before leaving current one--forming love triangles

Instant closeness, looking for “magic” feeling

Idealizing partner

Obsessing about partner

Talking obsessively to others about him or her

Acting out anger and revenge for being abandoned

Enters relationship in haze of fantasy--found this stable, strong, accepting individual

Gets high from fantasy

Denies how walled in avoidant really is

Avoidant gradually becomes distant and shuts down, abandons relationship in some way

Love addict acts out anger & revenge, turns to affairs and addictive sex

Partner capitulates and renews relationship, or love addict moves on to new relationship

Sense of self and self esteem does not develop--love addict remains in dependent position. Ability to tolerate fear and discomfort must develop for growth to occur