...tired, lonely, frustrated...

I'm feeling disgustingly inferior today, and I'm frustrated. And I'm tired and it's making it all worse, and while I know that I'm probably not as inadequate as I currently feel, it isn't really helping. All I want to do is cry, and that kind of sucks. I went through my life, once upon a time, reading things and retaining them, without any effort expended on my part. Those days are over, and that's a loss that I feel, keenly.

I am confronted with it much more so, when it's time for me to take a test, and the knowledge that I used to take for granted, fails me. And I in turn end up feeling like a part of me is missing, and feel inadequate, and like a failure when the result of an exam come back not with a perfect score.

Whether that score still ranks me with an "A" or not, doesn't change, for me, that it wasn't perfect, when I know there was a time that I would have received that grade, flawlessly. And that hurts me.

And I'm so exhausted right now, from pushing my mind to its limits, asking for it to give me something I'm not sure I'm still capable of. And I'm lonely, wanting someone or something to hold, to be comforted, to have some sense of familiarity in a world that suddenly seems to be spinning further and further off its axis, in a way that I still can't decide if I'm completely comfortable with.

I placed contact with a real estate agent yesterday, to look into purchasing, if possible, property. Instead of renting, perhaps. I hadn't realized just how much the local market has changed in the last couple to three years, since the last time I had looked, really looked, at things. As it turns out, several of the condos and houses that Danny and I looked at together, that were running between 280,000 and 320,000 dollars then? Are now running between 45,000 and 70,000 now. Fresno, and I'm informed the entire rest of the country, has taken such a nosedive, that if at all possible, now would be the time for me to look into purchasing, if I can.

That will mean, well, a lot of changes for me. Changes that I am once again going to be uncomfortable, to a certain extent, with. But right now is the time, and I don't think it's going to get any better than this, if I'm going to try. I need to contact several other places, and people, and find out how someone in my situation goes about trying to own property, things like that. I honestly don't know, because I always had Danny at my side in that type of situation.

And I'm honestly kind of tired, of being alone, of being lonely. Of spending my time, wondering what's happened to my self-confidence, and to my plans. It's almost as though I've got a huge case of cold feet so much of the time now. Where do I want to live? What do I want to do?

So many changes. And because so much is swirling around me, all I want to do, is put my things into a couple of bags, and grab my cat, and take my car, and run away. And hide. Where I don't have to think, and don't have to function. And that's not a good plan, hiding away. And I know it. But it would be so much less complicated for me, than having to make these decisions, alone. It's my life, and I'm living it. One day at a time, like the proverbial recovering alcoholic. Step by tedious step, because there is no other way, or you fall into a pit of despair, and there's no way to work your way out from it.

And I don't want to fall back into that place. I don't want to be back in the darkness that I'd been in for so long, I can still remember it, all too clearly. But by the same token, living what feels, sometimes to me, as though I'm a recovering addict, is also painful.

I just wish I could look around, and feel normal. Like me again, instead of a survivor of some awful war.