It's funny, you know?

I'm not actually doing anything one way or the other, about much of anything. And I'm still watching and waiting, and hearing the rumbling vibrations of the world around me. Can't escape everything entirely, no matter how much I might have tried.

So when one thing or another is brought to my attention, all I can do is kind of sigh in resignation, and shake my head. People, in their vast and glorious color, are morons sometimes. And yes, this probably does mean you. Especially if you're sitting somewhere feeling smug and conceited about something, or arrogant that you're just the perfect fucking snowflake and all the wonders of the world should be drifting down upon your shiny head.

The truth is that the reason I have chosen to do what I'm doing, and live the way I'm living, and keep to myself, and not blog about anything personal these days? Is that I got exceedingly exhausted by all the petty, drama-laden bullshit every second of every day. He said, she said, and everything in between just got tiresome. If I wanted to have someone trying to dictate my life? I'd return to being a child, and go live with my parents. But I don't want that. I have no *interest* in that.

So while I'm sure everybody is having a wonderful time sitting around in their designer shoes, and drinking their herbal tea, and discussing what wonderful people they are, and commiserating about what a stark raving bitch I am, and how they made such great decisions on staying strong and walking away? The simple fact is that I walked away. And everybody's bent about it. Which I don't quite understand, since I walked away when they told me take my bat, and my ball and be gone? Why the animosity?

I don't have any. I *like* my life. I like the people in it, I enjoy my world, and the things I do. I don't begrudge anyone else theirs, and I'm getting truly tired of the snark-fest that circles back around to me, about what a shitty person I am, because I won't conform to...what? Going back to the way it was?

I had vitriol spewed at me, and third party messages dropped in my direction in which I was informed that I was "you really are a self-centered bitch, and should have just fucking died, and u should just go kill yourself and save everyone the trouble. nobody should waste their time on u". Things of that nature, that got tedious, really quickly.

In the end, I stopped talking to anyone who had anything to do with anyone I knew. Stopped looking at anything even vaguely associated with anybody who didn't want anything to do with me. And slowly, bit by bit, the little snide digs stopped. It went from a stampede, to a flood, and then to a trickle, and now it's just a minor drip here and there. And while that's irritating, I can handle that.

I won't cut off everyone, because that would be foolish, and there are still people in my life that I value, and I won't cut off my nose to spite my face. That's childish and immature, and I see no point in it. But will I intentionally go and open doors that will incite drama? No. Will I pick up the phone, so that I can listen to an accolade about how selfish I was, and listen to a lecture, and then sit around so that people can wait for *me* to deliver heartfelt apologies? No, I'm not doing that either. I learned my lessons well, and I'm not delivering apologies anymore for things I didn't do.

Choosing to walk a path that I need to walk, to not need to listen to people tell me that my choices are wrong, and that I'm stupid for making decisions I need to make, and to tell me who I can or can't let in my life? Is not something I'm going to do. I'm not twelve, and I won't be treated like an irresponsible twelve-year-old. Who I spend my time with is my own business. Who I sleep with, who I associate with, and whether or not I get over having my heart broken into pieces within a set time frame? All things that I had to and have to cope with, without needing to feel ashamed, and devalued, simply because it would be easier on others if I would just let it all go faster, to suit what they wanted.

Perhaps I'm stupid for letting him back in. Perhaps it would be best for me to slam doors closed, when that would be more practical. Maybe I cut all the ties, and healed completely, and am now sleeping with 3/4 of California. *It doesn't matter*. It's my life, and I don't need to get permission to live it.

Hell, maybe we ran off and got married, and now I'm pregnant, and we're going to live happily ever after. Who the fuck *cares*?!? Because, honestly, I don't. I didn't. You shouldn't. I was always good about asking if I needed feedback and opinions and help. I didn't need to be given unsolicited advice, or that I'm irresponsible.

So perhaps this is the longest rant I've written in a while. And it'll probably be the last one I write with regard to the subject.

I hope, sincerely, that everything is going well for everyone. I hope that things have gotten better, that everyone is happy, and healthy. But it isn't my place to be involved in it anymore. I'm not a part of it, and that's simply the way things are. I'm finished chasing everyone down, and trying to hand out apologies for things, if I don't have reasons to. I walked away for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was that I was told to go, and the end of which being that when it was obvious that I hadn't actually hurt anybody, no one stopped me. I won't apologize for leaving when told, and at this point, I'm disinclined to change the way things are.

The trouble with leaving things in limbo for however-long they get left that way, is that when the time comes to make hard choices about life? You have to decide if you're going to risk taking a chance on rejection, or just leave things the way they stand. And that's part of being an adult. Risking being told "No, thank you. It's over, and that was a choice you made yourself."

I've had to take that risk, and it sucked for me. I did it, because I was wrong, and I sucked it up. Will I walk out and suck it up, when I'm not wrong? No, no I won't. But it's just a part of being the adult, instead of being a child.