Reminiscing

There are some things that you really shouldn't do while you're intoxicated. I realized that late last night, when I was doing a file cleanup on the Mac, and while it was doing that, I was poking around on my Adium program. For those of you who either aren't Mac users, or don't know what Adium is, it's a multi-chat program that allows you to run AIM/gtalk/Yahoo, etc, in one program, on the Mac. Sort of like Trillian or Pidgin. Just another one of those style programs. At any rate, I have it on the MacBook, and have had it installed since I first got the machine. I never really think about the fact that it's there, because it's something that's always been there.

What I also never really stopped to consider is the fact that Adium came with presets, presets I never actually *changed*. On my Pidgin account, I know what it is, and how to use it, and as a result, nothing is 'autologged' on that particular piece of software, because I *do* understand how to change out the settings. I never changed any of the Adium settings.

Last night I discovered that every conversation I ever had with everyone, while using my MacBook, was logged. From the day I got it, until I stopped using it as a daily computer. The only conversations that aren't logged on that machine, are the ones that I have on Yahoo when I'm using my webcam, because I have to use Yahoo independent of Adium for that, and that has it's own settings, and it's an entirely separate setup.

So I just sort of sat there last night, reading through old chat logs, and retrospect is one of those things that can be a good strong kick in the...well, it's certainly a kick somewhere. It's sort of like looking back through a mirror, and realizing that some of the things you really wanted to believe about someone just weren't true. And on the one hand, it sort of sucks, but on the other hand, it cements for you, in your own mind that you haven't made the wrong choices now?

It's just strange. I can read as far back as 2007, and it was puzzling in some ways, to see what I was thinking about, and the actions I was taking, and to realize that I was completely wrapped up in my own bubble, and truly couldn't see outside of it. Having a timeline of events is sort of creepy, but sort of good at the same time.

It also reminded me that to a certain extent, we all live in a world that we create based on our desires, and however we choose to pursue those desires, whether they're healthy for us or not? We're not going to stop, not going to pause, not going to give in, regardless of what people say, or do, or how they behave, until we are damn well good and ready *ourselves*, to stop in that pursuit. It doesn't seem to matter, not really, how the other person being pursued feels, and that has to suck, to be on the receiving end of. Especially when they come up against someone who can be obsessive and downright frightening.

Love is awesome. Wanting to show someone how much you care, that you want to shower them with love and affection and attention? That's all well and good. Wanting to help and nurture and build something is terrific. But that only works if both people feel the same way. And there are so many different ways to love people. Sometimes, the best way to love them, is to let them go if that's what they want. Sometimes it's to hold on, and fight for them, or with them. Because everyone needs something different. But it's not something that can be forced. And I don't believe it should be abandoned, because it is something precious.

A lot of people spend their entire lives searching for that perfect person, and never finding it or simply throw it away, because it didn't fit what they were looking for as 'perfection'. And if it wasn't perfect, they couldn't be bothered. Others seem to never find anyone, and spend their lives alone, and unhappy, thinking that there's a failing in them somehow, as they reject person after person, finding fault constantly in themselves because they believe they cannot measure up. They choose people who they will pursue relentlessly, in the hope that their perfect mates will make them whole, and perfect by extension.

And a lot of people spend their lives choosing people who are destined to injure them, to emotionally wound them, because the people they choose to love, simply can't love them back. They're toxic to them, and they choose emotionally unavailable people, because they feel as though they are unlovable, and don't really deserve to be loved, and instinctively choose partners who won't be able to give them what they need. It isn't that they don't have love to give, it's that they want to give too much, without knowing or understanding how to find someone with whom to lavish that love on, who will return it in kind, instead of bleeding it dry. I'm not sure if the emotionally unavailable people realize the damage they're doing, or if they are damaged in some way themselves. Perhaps they are the above people, looking for someone perfect to make them perfect by extension, and ending up with those who feel they are unlovable, that creates a cycle. I don't know.

I do know, that it makes for a horrible set of combinations. Love isn't supposed to be a battle, except perhaps in bed. It's supposed to be something cherished, freely given, received, and nurtured. Love as friendship, courtship, or romantically. Be it any of those things, they're still precious, and they still matter.

So I read the chat logs, and I sat and thought about it. You love who you love. You make decisions, and you run with them, and in retrospect, you gaze back, and sometimes you wonder what you were thinking, and why you might have done what you did. And sometimes you were right, and sometimes not. It doesn't change anything to dwell on it. It's good to understand yourself, and to contemplate how to not make the same set of mistakes again, and it's always good to consider how you ended up in a certain place walking on a path. And at the end of the day, you sigh, shake your head, and accept your decisions, and take responsibility for them and move toward the future.