Happy Valentine's Day

It has been a long, difficult week. I thought about putting up something that reflected the trials and tribulations that have encompassed my week, and explaining why I'm feeling anxious and angry, but honestly? It's just not worth it.

And after that, I sat, and tried to come up with something that was light-hearted, and funny, to make it seem as though this has been just another carefree week, and I don't feel like doing that either.

The simple truth is, that I'm not in the mood to lay bare my issues for the masses these days. I'm feeling kind of bruised, and somewhat violated, and I don't like the feeling. And I've learned, through past experience, that writing here tends to make me feel more centered and more calm. Do I need to elaborate everything to achieve that feeling? No, I've learned that I don't.

My work for school is, I think, going well. It's difficult, and a bit more time-consuming than the first semester, and is requiring a lot more actual concentration than I had originally planned for, but by the same token, it's more rewarding. And I think that for the Fall semester, I might even have a study partner, which might be nice. We're hoping that Danny will take some classes as well, and that would be awesome. I would be so proud of him. I've always hoped he'd go to school, and I truly believe that would be good for him.

My sister and I have reconciled our differences, which, I have to admit, has taken a great weight off of my shoulders, as missing her did leave a huge hole inside of me. Having her back, and the day-to-day contact and 'normal' if there is such a thing, again, helps to center me. I don't quite know how to articulate that any better than that.

I'm currently working on a couple of short stories, that I will be working on for the next year, for submission to Clarion, only for the 2010 workshop, not the 2009 workshop. The submission date for 2009 is March 1st, and I simply don't have two 2,500-5,000 word stories ready for the applications in time this year. I will, however, for next year. And I fully intend to at least apply to try and get in. That would be a major deal for me, whether or not I get accepted, just making the attempt would be a major achievement for me.

I've done a lot of things over the last 18 months that I never really thought I could do. More and more each day, and my horizons keep expanding, and things like Clarion are just one more example to myself that I'm healing as a person, and accepting who I am. I got the official notice from FCC, telling me I had made the Dean's List, and I can go and pick up the certificate. I held it in my hands, and just kind of stared at it in shock. Seeing that I'd qualified on the website, and holding that confirmation in my hands were not the same thing. It was validation, for all that I'd worked for, and that I had achieved that goal, that I was successful at what I had set out to do.

I had finally proven to myself, that I *can*. And it was, and is, a truly amazing feeling. I'm not sure what I was expecting to feel, but it wasn't what I did end up feeling.

I simply don't view myself anymore, the way I used to. When I look at me, what I see now, is something worthwhile, and someone who matters. I matter more now, to and for myself, than I ever did, at any point that I can remember during the course of my lifetime. Part of that is because of my missing memory, and the rest of it is because of my exceedingly low self-esteem.

That's not a problem I seem to be having nearly as much anymore. It's not flawless. I won't ever be brimming with self-confidence, and I know it. But I don't walk around thinking I have no function and no value to anyone, for anything, anymore.

Someone tried to tell me that, once, that I was valuable in my own right. That's finally come to pass, and I suppose that, in and of itself, is something I should be proud of. I am, in a weird sort of way. It was a long time coming, and I certainly took the road less traveled. As always, I had to choose the one that required that I would have to use a machete to hack through underbrush to get here, instead of just seeing the pretty, clear path, that was lined with paving stones.

Oh, no. Not me. I wanted the adventure, obviously. But the end result is evidently the same.

There is no one here with me today, lying about in bed eating chocolates and cooking dinner or whatever. And today is Valentine's Day. I could, I suppose, go out and do date-type things with any number of the people that I spend my time with, but that doesn't feel right, nor is it what I'm inclined to do today. I'll probably go and see my sister. Spend some time with her kids. Feed my silly cat kitty treats, and then watch a movie, and study some more for my next exam. And curl up under a nice warm blanket, and wait for the day to pass, into the next, and so it continues...

Peace is nice. Happy Valentine's Day.