I need the first true storm of the winter season. I crave it. I don't mean the piddly little rains that have been happening, although I'm grateful for those. I mean the first true storm. Lightning, thunder, raging wind. The first fierce storm. I need the sheer release that such a storm will bring me. I need the wild rage of nature around me. All that prevents me from taking off and heading up into the mountains to go where I know that I could find that kind of storm is the fact that it would worry too many people. I fear not even slightly for my own safety, because I know that the storm would soothe something inside of me that's been raging too long.
So I wait. Impatiently, for the first good storm of the season to come down from the mountains, into the valley, and unleash here.
Let the rains fall. Let the winds shriek cacophony around me. Let the heavens flash above and the thunder shake the ground. Let the storm rage, unchecked.
And let my soul be soothed, finally. Let the rage be calmed and let it all go to silence inside of me.
Somehow, someway, there has to be a release from this. And if the best I can get is from the storms, let them come. Let them free me.
I need to be free.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Secret word of the week
Running a little late in the day for this, as I normally post right after midnight, but the secret word of the week is now up. This week's word is "Imzadi".
That's right. Imzadi, for the win. I like the personal connotation that this particular word has, and as I've been having conversations lately that talk about how language changes regularly, I thought this was good.
Thanks to the consensus for the choice of Imzadi.
That's right. Imzadi, for the win. I like the personal connotation that this particular word has, and as I've been having conversations lately that talk about how language changes regularly, I thought this was good.
Thanks to the consensus for the choice of Imzadi.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
With a whole heart
On one level, I lived without you, and very well too. I had a good life. Friends and a family and a partner. I had a good life. I did the best I could, with what I had left, once you were gone. I either couldn't, or wouldn't, save myself. But I did the best I could, with what was left of me. And that had to be enough. I had had the all-encompassing blast of love that came with loving one man with everything I had, and it had overpowered me. It was my weakness, and my mistake. Or perhaps the ability to give everything to one man is a strength.
I have never resolved my feelings for you. I had never forgiven, or accepted. I'd simply walled it all off, and forgotten. And I needed to resolve it, with a whole heart, one way or another. Either embrace how I felt, or feel, or let it go, without malice or complication. Either way, I need to resolve those feelings, with a whole heart. Because without that completion, I'll never be free of it. And I'll never be whole. I'll always be vulnerable and broken, as though a piece of me is missing.
You were the one man who ever caused me true emotional pain. Your actions inadvertently dictated how I would live my life and how I would respond to situations for such a very long time that it completely amazes me that I never once put all those associations together into one cohesive form. Never even realized where the starting point was, and assembled the memories to know how it all began.
But you were also the one man who I allowed inside enough to bring pleasure and happiness as well. The one who was allowed to touch me, who I never flinched back from. I never felt the need to hide from you. I trusted you, with everything. Even what I cannot remember, I know I trusted you with. I know it in every touch, every thought, every feeling that passes through me when I look at you. I know it when you pin me down, and I don't feel a need to try and escape. And I know it when I can laugh instead of fear when I'm trapped. Because I know there's no reason to fear.
I know that a misstep can lead to a tumble, and that the fall down a very slippery slope is a long fall indeed. No one knows that better than I do. But I remember well the taste and texture of you. Whatever the risks. Whatever the cost, I needed to *know*. And now I do. There's still heat between us. But wanting you with my body means so very little. Fire is easily lit. Easily extinguished. I don't expect more. But I hope for it. The chance to get to know one another again. The time to get to know each other. We've both changed. Some things stayed the same. Some things changed.
Which leads me to now, today, the foreseeable future. Everything is in a state of flux, and during this time, I need to finally resolve things. My heart is going to need to be whole again, one way or another. It might mean loving you again. It might mean just letting you go, without malice and remembering the good times without the pain. Enjoying what we have, without the pain of what I lost. Being with you makes me feel whole again. It's been a long time since I felt that way, and because of that, it frightens me. And my natural reaction is to block the feelings, because vulnerability is dangerous. I don't think you'll intentionally wound me again. But it's difficult just the same, to simply say whatever it is that I'm feeling, for fear of having it thrown in my face.
Time...time to heal. Time to talk. Time to regroup. Time to resolve with a whole heart.
I have never resolved my feelings for you. I had never forgiven, or accepted. I'd simply walled it all off, and forgotten. And I needed to resolve it, with a whole heart, one way or another. Either embrace how I felt, or feel, or let it go, without malice or complication. Either way, I need to resolve those feelings, with a whole heart. Because without that completion, I'll never be free of it. And I'll never be whole. I'll always be vulnerable and broken, as though a piece of me is missing.
You were the one man who ever caused me true emotional pain. Your actions inadvertently dictated how I would live my life and how I would respond to situations for such a very long time that it completely amazes me that I never once put all those associations together into one cohesive form. Never even realized where the starting point was, and assembled the memories to know how it all began.
But you were also the one man who I allowed inside enough to bring pleasure and happiness as well. The one who was allowed to touch me, who I never flinched back from. I never felt the need to hide from you. I trusted you, with everything. Even what I cannot remember, I know I trusted you with. I know it in every touch, every thought, every feeling that passes through me when I look at you. I know it when you pin me down, and I don't feel a need to try and escape. And I know it when I can laugh instead of fear when I'm trapped. Because I know there's no reason to fear.
I know that a misstep can lead to a tumble, and that the fall down a very slippery slope is a long fall indeed. No one knows that better than I do. But I remember well the taste and texture of you. Whatever the risks. Whatever the cost, I needed to *know*. And now I do. There's still heat between us. But wanting you with my body means so very little. Fire is easily lit. Easily extinguished. I don't expect more. But I hope for it. The chance to get to know one another again. The time to get to know each other. We've both changed. Some things stayed the same. Some things changed.
Which leads me to now, today, the foreseeable future. Everything is in a state of flux, and during this time, I need to finally resolve things. My heart is going to need to be whole again, one way or another. It might mean loving you again. It might mean just letting you go, without malice and remembering the good times without the pain. Enjoying what we have, without the pain of what I lost. Being with you makes me feel whole again. It's been a long time since I felt that way, and because of that, it frightens me. And my natural reaction is to block the feelings, because vulnerability is dangerous. I don't think you'll intentionally wound me again. But it's difficult just the same, to simply say whatever it is that I'm feeling, for fear of having it thrown in my face.
Time...time to heal. Time to talk. Time to regroup. Time to resolve with a whole heart.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Double standards
There are a lot of double standards in the world, and I feel like soap-boxing about one of them today, per a conversation I was having a little while ago. It's a pet peeve of mine, because of my body type. I'm fat. I'd try to sugar coat it, but there it is. It isn't that I'm ugly, because I'm not. I'm actually reasonably attractive, all things considered. But I'm not thin. I'm not the societally acceptable "hot" woman. And those women can get away with an awful lot of bullshit that women with my body type cannot with regard to how they behave when they go out to attract a man.
Your standardized hot woman can behave in the most ludicrous of ways when on the prowl. They can and do appear in public wearing clothes that scream "take it all baby". And that actually isn't even my peeve. My biggest complaint is the behavior. The basest of promiscuity. Beyond the basic flirting, they will juggle several men sexually, with no regard for anything, and because of their looks, most men can and do overlook the fact that they're playing the field in bed with several. It's just a given that women who look a certain way are given leeway that women like me aren't granted.
If I were to be sleeping with two men simultaneously, I'd be a slut. Whether or not I was not in a relationship with either of them, I'd be labelled, and neither would want to commit to me. I'd be a dirty little secret, because a: it's difficult for women of my body type to land nice guys in the first place, and b: since I'd given it up, why bother with the likes of me now?
But if you swap out the same situation with a thin, attractive woman, those same two men would most likely be quite willing to commit to that thin woman. They wouldn't *care* that she'd been juggling two men. It would be accepted and irrelevant.
And that seems terribly unfair to me. There would be no nasty names applied. No labels. She'd still be desirable and I'd be insulted, and yet the circumstances would be the same.
Your standardized hot woman can behave in the most ludicrous of ways when on the prowl. They can and do appear in public wearing clothes that scream "take it all baby". And that actually isn't even my peeve. My biggest complaint is the behavior. The basest of promiscuity. Beyond the basic flirting, they will juggle several men sexually, with no regard for anything, and because of their looks, most men can and do overlook the fact that they're playing the field in bed with several. It's just a given that women who look a certain way are given leeway that women like me aren't granted.
If I were to be sleeping with two men simultaneously, I'd be a slut. Whether or not I was not in a relationship with either of them, I'd be labelled, and neither would want to commit to me. I'd be a dirty little secret, because a: it's difficult for women of my body type to land nice guys in the first place, and b: since I'd given it up, why bother with the likes of me now?
But if you swap out the same situation with a thin, attractive woman, those same two men would most likely be quite willing to commit to that thin woman. They wouldn't *care* that she'd been juggling two men. It would be accepted and irrelevant.
And that seems terribly unfair to me. There would be no nasty names applied. No labels. She'd still be desirable and I'd be insulted, and yet the circumstances would be the same.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Too tired to fight
Tired of fighting. Tired of asking you to be here. Tired of asking you to stay. Tired of crying. Tired of not sleeping. Tired of feeling too much. Tired of not feeling enough.
Tired of being me.
Tired of being me.
Uneventful
Mostly. I want to say that things are uneventful, and for the most part they are. My back and hip are fairly fucked up at the moment, because I was stubborn and didn't want to wait for someone to help me dismantle my bed so I could remove some of the excessively heavy memory foam from it. So I did it myself, and wounded myself in the process. But it got done, and I feel accomplished for it. Wounded, but accomplished.
I have gone back into non-sleep-mode again, because my brain is on overload and I can't make it shut down enough to rest, and it's making me insane. So instead of sleeping, I keep cleaning. Which is good on the one hand, since with people moving out and moving in simultaneously, the entire apartment is trashed. But on the other hand, I'm exhausted.
I'm actually several steps above exhausted most of the time. Every time I start to catch a nap, I end up jolting awake. Every now and then I drop completely and stay knocked out for several hours, but that's pretty rare. I wish I could figure out a sure-fire way to sleep for an entire night's worth of sleep. I suspect it would be good for me. Alas, I seem to be the screwed on that.
We divided up the DVD collection a couple of days ago, and the TV series discs this afternoon. It went pretty smoothly, all things considered, when you figure the sheer amount of films we had. I ended up with a binder of movies, a binder of TV series shows, and a binder that has music CDs and miscellaneous computer stuff in it.
I'll be babysitting all day tomorrow, because my roommate's daughter doesn't have school, I gather it's some sort of teacher inservice day, and the way daycare works is that you have to sign her up for it like a month in advance, and she was supposed to have a sitter lined up...except she dumped her boyfriend, and he was the sitter. Oops. No biggie, except that I'm trying to figure out what to do with the munchkin for the day tomorrow. Probably going to be a disney movie-fest for the win. Easiest that way.
I have gone back into non-sleep-mode again, because my brain is on overload and I can't make it shut down enough to rest, and it's making me insane. So instead of sleeping, I keep cleaning. Which is good on the one hand, since with people moving out and moving in simultaneously, the entire apartment is trashed. But on the other hand, I'm exhausted.
I'm actually several steps above exhausted most of the time. Every time I start to catch a nap, I end up jolting awake. Every now and then I drop completely and stay knocked out for several hours, but that's pretty rare. I wish I could figure out a sure-fire way to sleep for an entire night's worth of sleep. I suspect it would be good for me. Alas, I seem to be the screwed on that.
We divided up the DVD collection a couple of days ago, and the TV series discs this afternoon. It went pretty smoothly, all things considered, when you figure the sheer amount of films we had. I ended up with a binder of movies, a binder of TV series shows, and a binder that has music CDs and miscellaneous computer stuff in it.
I'll be babysitting all day tomorrow, because my roommate's daughter doesn't have school, I gather it's some sort of teacher inservice day, and the way daycare works is that you have to sign her up for it like a month in advance, and she was supposed to have a sitter lined up...except she dumped her boyfriend, and he was the sitter. Oops. No biggie, except that I'm trying to figure out what to do with the munchkin for the day tomorrow. Probably going to be a disney movie-fest for the win. Easiest that way.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
heart knives...
Her callous unconcern twists a knife in your heart
And you bleed
You fall
And my heart breaks
And I try to catch you
I attempt to patch the pieces
Repairing what I can
Soothing what I cannot
Waiting and watching
You heart is safer here...
And you bleed
You fall
And my heart breaks
And I try to catch you
I attempt to patch the pieces
Repairing what I can
Soothing what I cannot
Waiting and watching
You heart is safer here...
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
There are few things that emphasize a feeling of a worthlessness more than knowing that someone you care about is in pain, and knowing that there is absolutely nothing at all you can do to help them. No words you can offer to relieve the agony. No touch you can proffer to ease the suffering. No amount of solace to ease them.
I am at a loss of vast proportions, and I don't know how to handle it. My instincts fail me, because I don't have recourse. I cannot help what I cannot understand. And I cannot understand anything.
I would rather take the pain for you than know you sit quietly in agony...
I am at a loss of vast proportions, and I don't know how to handle it. My instincts fail me, because I don't have recourse. I cannot help what I cannot understand. And I cannot understand anything.
I would rather take the pain for you than know you sit quietly in agony...
Monday, October 22, 2007
You were the right one at the wrong time...words are ricocheting around inside of my head and I cannot make them stop. I cleared out some of the old posts from the myspace blogs, and transferred some to here, and some I simply deleted as irrelevant. There are so many things circling around that i can't make sense of anything, and all I want is to scream. I can't ask for what I want, because I can't quite form the words to make sense, even to me.
My hands are so soft, and so small and they seem so very fragile to me as I sit and look at them. By comparison, yours seem large and rough, capable and strong. I never feel fragile to myself. Women like me never seem as though we should be considered fragile in any way. I realize that's just stupid, but I can't quite get past the stereotype of it. Delicate little women should be fragile and treated delicately. They need to be handled with kid gloves, for they deserve to be handled gently. But women who fit the stereotype I am? We're built differently, and deserve no such consideration. It's bullshit, really. And technically I know I should expect better. I don't know why it is that I'm willing to settle for so very little. I'm not worth more? All of these issues are mostly a product of my own mind, I'm sure.
At this point, even my issues are having issues. Perhaps they ought to all get together and have tea. Or maybe they'll just all get together and get fucking wasted and they'll all feel better when they wake up the next morning. It's a thought.
I have got to stop midnight rambling. I'm not even making sense to myself at this point. I finally got some sleep this afternoon. Houseful of people watching foozball, and I disappeared into my room and took a nap. I guess all the people around made it possible to crash out, although I'm not altogether sure why. In either event, it worked, and I slept for a while. And I slept fairly hard too, because when I woke up, I realized people had been in and out of my room and I never even so much as opened my eyes that I can remember. Creepy.
I'm going to go finish the book I was reading, and make a real effort at sleep. Goodnight internets.
My hands are so soft, and so small and they seem so very fragile to me as I sit and look at them. By comparison, yours seem large and rough, capable and strong. I never feel fragile to myself. Women like me never seem as though we should be considered fragile in any way. I realize that's just stupid, but I can't quite get past the stereotype of it. Delicate little women should be fragile and treated delicately. They need to be handled with kid gloves, for they deserve to be handled gently. But women who fit the stereotype I am? We're built differently, and deserve no such consideration. It's bullshit, really. And technically I know I should expect better. I don't know why it is that I'm willing to settle for so very little. I'm not worth more? All of these issues are mostly a product of my own mind, I'm sure.
At this point, even my issues are having issues. Perhaps they ought to all get together and have tea. Or maybe they'll just all get together and get fucking wasted and they'll all feel better when they wake up the next morning. It's a thought.
I have got to stop midnight rambling. I'm not even making sense to myself at this point. I finally got some sleep this afternoon. Houseful of people watching foozball, and I disappeared into my room and took a nap. I guess all the people around made it possible to crash out, although I'm not altogether sure why. In either event, it worked, and I slept for a while. And I slept fairly hard too, because when I woke up, I realized people had been in and out of my room and I never even so much as opened my eyes that I can remember. Creepy.
I'm going to go finish the book I was reading, and make a real effort at sleep. Goodnight internets.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Random thoughts
God, how different it was back then. I had this burning desire to *know*. To learn, to experience everything there was. To love without restraint, and to defy the odds.
I had dreams then. I could see the future stretching out in front of me, without limits to inhibit those dreams. I could be anyone, do anything, go anywhere. Such large dreams. It feels sometimes now as though those dreams have been crushed into dust. I know that isn't true. Life happened. It feels as though I went to sleep and missed out on so many things.
I like my life the way it is, don't get me wrong. I have no desire to go back and undo the past. I wouldn't want to change my present for it. Change one, change all. But I still have some dreams. And right now, those dreams are still unobtainable. I'm working on that, making those things feasible again. All of which takes time. I've learned through the years that time can be quite unstable, and I fear what I can't control.
Control has always been an issue with me. I felt when I was younger that I could control everything, and thus it was safe to let go the control sometimes. i don't feel that way anymore. Too many things have taken the control i held out of my hands and broken it into pieces, as an inconsiderate child would do to the toy of a rival.
I'll keep reaching, and trying to regain what I've lost. I hope to one day live my dreams. Until then, I'll continue to learn, in the hope that what I've learned will one day be of assistance to me.
I had dreams then. I could see the future stretching out in front of me, without limits to inhibit those dreams. I could be anyone, do anything, go anywhere. Such large dreams. It feels sometimes now as though those dreams have been crushed into dust. I know that isn't true. Life happened. It feels as though I went to sleep and missed out on so many things.
I like my life the way it is, don't get me wrong. I have no desire to go back and undo the past. I wouldn't want to change my present for it. Change one, change all. But I still have some dreams. And right now, those dreams are still unobtainable. I'm working on that, making those things feasible again. All of which takes time. I've learned through the years that time can be quite unstable, and I fear what I can't control.
Control has always been an issue with me. I felt when I was younger that I could control everything, and thus it was safe to let go the control sometimes. i don't feel that way anymore. Too many things have taken the control i held out of my hands and broken it into pieces, as an inconsiderate child would do to the toy of a rival.
I'll keep reaching, and trying to regain what I've lost. I hope to one day live my dreams. Until then, I'll continue to learn, in the hope that what I've learned will one day be of assistance to me.
1994
I've been thinking about 1994 lately. You'd think this would have been a time of reflection for the decade past, back in 2004, but I was a little busy with other shit that year. C'est la vie.
That was the year 'the group' went and watched the midnight premiere of "Interview with a vampire". The year high school ended, and real life supposedly began. I watched "The Crow" a dozen times that year, and we thought we were invincible.
God, we were young. Wild, carefree, ready to take on anything that came up.
I thought I knew everything, that I could handle anything. Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. God, I was stupid. And yet, I can't claim that I wish that year hadn't happened.
Being on my own the next year changed me in ways I still sit in quiet contemplation of. Having a child, becoming an actual adult, instead of the smart-ass kid who thought she was an adult.
Anyhow, don't mind me. 1994, I salute you. I don't miss you, but I thank you for the lessons you taught me, and I bid you farewell.
That was the year 'the group' went and watched the midnight premiere of "Interview with a vampire". The year high school ended, and real life supposedly began. I watched "The Crow" a dozen times that year, and we thought we were invincible.
God, we were young. Wild, carefree, ready to take on anything that came up.
I thought I knew everything, that I could handle anything. Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. God, I was stupid. And yet, I can't claim that I wish that year hadn't happened.
Being on my own the next year changed me in ways I still sit in quiet contemplation of. Having a child, becoming an actual adult, instead of the smart-ass kid who thought she was an adult.
Anyhow, don't mind me. 1994, I salute you. I don't miss you, but I thank you for the lessons you taught me, and I bid you farewell.
Random lyrics
...And all the roads that lead you there are winding. And all the lights that light the way are blinding. There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how. I said maybe you're going to be the one who saves me. And after all, you're my wonderwall...
...You wanted more. More than I could give. More than I could handle, in a life that I can't live. You wanted more. More than I could bear. More than I could offer for a love that isn't there...
...I live for how you make me feel. So I question all this being real. Because I'm not afraid to love, for the first time I'm not afraid of love. Oh, this day seems made for you and me, and you showed me what life means to be...
...Now this looks like a job for me, so everybody just follow me, because we need a little controversy, because it feels so empty without me...
...It takes the shape of a place out west...but what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed. She needs wide open spaces. Room to make a big mistake. She needs new faces. She knows the high stakes...
...He was the one that I'd wanted for all times. And each night I'd spent praying that god would make him mine. And if he'd only grant me the wish I'd wished back then, I'd never ask for anything again. Sometimes I thank god for unanswered prayers. Remember when you're talking to the man upstairs that just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care. Some of god's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers...
...Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life...
...Life throws you curves, but you learn to swerve. Me, I swung and I missed and the next thing you know I'm reminiscing. Dreaming old dreams and wishing old wishes...
...I won't be held responsible. She fell in love in the first place. For the life of me, I cannot remember, what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise. For the life of me, I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins. We were merely freshmen...
...We call them cool, those hearts that have no scars to show. The ones that never do let go and risk the tables being turned. We call them fools who have to dance within the flame. Who chance the sorrow and the shame that always comes with getting burned. But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire, because it's not enough just to stand outside the fire. We call them strong, those who can face this world alone. Who seem to get by on their own. Those who will ever take the fall. We call them weak who are unable to resist the slightest chance love might exist. And for that forsake it all. They're so hell-bent on giving, walking a wire, convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire...
...Say goodnight, not goodbye. You will never leave my heart behind. Like the path of a star, I'll be anywhere you are. In this heart that lies beneath the cold, in the secret place inside your soul. Keep my life in your eyes, say goodnight, not goodbye. Don't you feel when you dream waking up is never what it seemed. Like the jewel buried deep, like a promise meant to keep. You are everything you ought to be. So just let your heart reach out to me. I'll be right by your side, say goodnight, not goodbye...
...You wanted more. More than I could give. More than I could handle, in a life that I can't live. You wanted more. More than I could bear. More than I could offer for a love that isn't there...
...I live for how you make me feel. So I question all this being real. Because I'm not afraid to love, for the first time I'm not afraid of love. Oh, this day seems made for you and me, and you showed me what life means to be...
...Now this looks like a job for me, so everybody just follow me, because we need a little controversy, because it feels so empty without me...
...It takes the shape of a place out west...but what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed. She needs wide open spaces. Room to make a big mistake. She needs new faces. She knows the high stakes...
...He was the one that I'd wanted for all times. And each night I'd spent praying that god would make him mine. And if he'd only grant me the wish I'd wished back then, I'd never ask for anything again. Sometimes I thank god for unanswered prayers. Remember when you're talking to the man upstairs that just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care. Some of god's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers...
...Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life...
...Life throws you curves, but you learn to swerve. Me, I swung and I missed and the next thing you know I'm reminiscing. Dreaming old dreams and wishing old wishes...
...I won't be held responsible. She fell in love in the first place. For the life of me, I cannot remember, what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise. For the life of me, I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins. We were merely freshmen...
...We call them cool, those hearts that have no scars to show. The ones that never do let go and risk the tables being turned. We call them fools who have to dance within the flame. Who chance the sorrow and the shame that always comes with getting burned. But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire, because it's not enough just to stand outside the fire. We call them strong, those who can face this world alone. Who seem to get by on their own. Those who will ever take the fall. We call them weak who are unable to resist the slightest chance love might exist. And for that forsake it all. They're so hell-bent on giving, walking a wire, convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire...
...Say goodnight, not goodbye. You will never leave my heart behind. Like the path of a star, I'll be anywhere you are. In this heart that lies beneath the cold, in the secret place inside your soul. Keep my life in your eyes, say goodnight, not goodbye. Don't you feel when you dream waking up is never what it seemed. Like the jewel buried deep, like a promise meant to keep. You are everything you ought to be. So just let your heart reach out to me. I'll be right by your side, say goodnight, not goodbye...
Somewhere down the road lyrics
We had the right love at the wrong time
Guess I always knew inside
I wouldn't have you for a long time
Those dreams of yours are shining on distant shores
And if they're calling you away
I have no right to make you stay
But somewhere down the road, our roads are going to cross again
It doesn't really matter when
Somewhere down the road I know that heart of yours will come to see
That you belong with me
Sometimes goodbyes are not forever
It doesn't matter if you're gone, I still believe in us together
I understand more than you think I can
You have to go out on your own so you can find your way back home
Somewhere down the road, our roads are going to cross again
It doesn't really matter when
Somewhere down the road I know that heart of yours will come to see
That you belong with me
Letting go is just another way to say I'll always love you so
We had the right love at the wrong time
Maybe we've only just begun
Maybe the best is yet to come
Somewhere down the road, our roads are going to cross again
It doesn't really matter when
Somewhere down the road I know that heart of yours will come to see
That you belong with me
Guess I always knew inside
I wouldn't have you for a long time
Those dreams of yours are shining on distant shores
And if they're calling you away
I have no right to make you stay
But somewhere down the road, our roads are going to cross again
It doesn't really matter when
Somewhere down the road I know that heart of yours will come to see
That you belong with me
Sometimes goodbyes are not forever
It doesn't matter if you're gone, I still believe in us together
I understand more than you think I can
You have to go out on your own so you can find your way back home
Somewhere down the road, our roads are going to cross again
It doesn't really matter when
Somewhere down the road I know that heart of yours will come to see
That you belong with me
Letting go is just another way to say I'll always love you so
We had the right love at the wrong time
Maybe we've only just begun
Maybe the best is yet to come
Somewhere down the road, our roads are going to cross again
It doesn't really matter when
Somewhere down the road I know that heart of yours will come to see
That you belong with me
A very specific bitchfest
I tend to have a lot of patience for people who are ill, or who are having health problems in their lives, because I am so often ill myself. But a lot of patience only goes so far.
I've been reading through various blogs and pondering a few things lately, and the only conclusion I can come to is this. Some people bitch entirely too much about things that they *know* will in some way be resolved. I'm really sorry, truly I am, that there's a problem, and that they have to deal with a battery of doctors to deal with said issue. Been there, done that. Doctors are a pain in the ass, no doubt about it. But all in all, they do the best they can, and at least *yours* are telling you that in the end, you'll be a functioning fucking human being.
And granted, I'm a functioning human being as well. Sort of. Unless I'm having a "bad" day. At which point, I'm completely screwed. I can't hang out, I can't go do whatever I might feel like doing that day in spite of my problem. I am completely out of circulation, and most likely passed out from the massive dosage of medication I take to solve the problem. I don't get to hobble around, and I don't get to bitch that it hurts. Because it *always* hurts. Most of the time, I simply push it aside, but when it's a "bad" day, that isn't even an option. Bed and unconsciousness are the only one. I take around a thousand dollars of medications and painkillers a month, every month, whether I want to or not. And this is something I know that I'll be doing for the rest of my life. My immune system is so far gone that I get pnuemonia, where everyone else picks up a common cold. I have migraines that have caused me to slam my head into walls to deal with *that* pain, instead of the pain inside my skull. And on certain days, the neurons in my brain misfire and leave me an incoherent, unspeaking, frustrated person, with no options except writing or typing as communication.
A dislocated hip, two herniated discs at the end of my spine, and I use painkillers to function in spite of them. Brain cancer, which I get tested every three months with MRI's for, every three months, for the rest of my life. Just waiting for the one I know will come back positive, meaning going back in for *another* wide-awake open cranioitomy, because that's what it'll take to keep me alive. I have been diagnosed with lupus, fibromyalgia, and arthritis, to go with the cancer and the back and hip problems. And none of these are cureable. NONE OF THEM.
So take heed when you sit and bitch to me about how much it hurts, or how lousy you're feeling, or how frustrated you are with doctors and whatnot. At least your shit can be fixed, even if it doesn't leave you precisely the same way you were before you got sick or hurt. It won't leave you damaged physically, emotionally, and neurologically. Some of us don't have the option of just "waiting until it gets fixed". Keep that in mind the next time you're sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. You can walk, or hop, or wheel whenever you want to. You can think and speak and communicate at will. Be grateful.
I've been reading through various blogs and pondering a few things lately, and the only conclusion I can come to is this. Some people bitch entirely too much about things that they *know* will in some way be resolved. I'm really sorry, truly I am, that there's a problem, and that they have to deal with a battery of doctors to deal with said issue. Been there, done that. Doctors are a pain in the ass, no doubt about it. But all in all, they do the best they can, and at least *yours* are telling you that in the end, you'll be a functioning fucking human being.
And granted, I'm a functioning human being as well. Sort of. Unless I'm having a "bad" day. At which point, I'm completely screwed. I can't hang out, I can't go do whatever I might feel like doing that day in spite of my problem. I am completely out of circulation, and most likely passed out from the massive dosage of medication I take to solve the problem. I don't get to hobble around, and I don't get to bitch that it hurts. Because it *always* hurts. Most of the time, I simply push it aside, but when it's a "bad" day, that isn't even an option. Bed and unconsciousness are the only one. I take around a thousand dollars of medications and painkillers a month, every month, whether I want to or not. And this is something I know that I'll be doing for the rest of my life. My immune system is so far gone that I get pnuemonia, where everyone else picks up a common cold. I have migraines that have caused me to slam my head into walls to deal with *that* pain, instead of the pain inside my skull. And on certain days, the neurons in my brain misfire and leave me an incoherent, unspeaking, frustrated person, with no options except writing or typing as communication.
A dislocated hip, two herniated discs at the end of my spine, and I use painkillers to function in spite of them. Brain cancer, which I get tested every three months with MRI's for, every three months, for the rest of my life. Just waiting for the one I know will come back positive, meaning going back in for *another* wide-awake open cranioitomy, because that's what it'll take to keep me alive. I have been diagnosed with lupus, fibromyalgia, and arthritis, to go with the cancer and the back and hip problems. And none of these are cureable. NONE OF THEM.
So take heed when you sit and bitch to me about how much it hurts, or how lousy you're feeling, or how frustrated you are with doctors and whatnot. At least your shit can be fixed, even if it doesn't leave you precisely the same way you were before you got sick or hurt. It won't leave you damaged physically, emotionally, and neurologically. Some of us don't have the option of just "waiting until it gets fixed". Keep that in mind the next time you're sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. You can walk, or hop, or wheel whenever you want to. You can think and speak and communicate at will. Be grateful.
On loyalty and such
I've been contemplating that for the last few days. Loyalty, that is. Honor, trust, that sort of thing. I'm not perfect, the gods know that. And I accept that. Perfection isn't even something I attempt to achieve for the most part. But loyal, that I am. And I have my own specific type of honor.
I had a tag line up a few days ago that said "Loyalty is not like underwear. You don't change daily." And that's true. You're either loyal and your actions follow your words, or they don't. It actually is a black or white issue for me. You don't claim to be a confidante, someone worthy of trust and compassion, while turning around and saying the exact opposite. You don't tell secrets that were given to you to others. You're trustworthy and honest.
I'm loyal to a specific group. And those people are fully aware of who I am, and the things I believe in. Makes it easier all around for everybody, because no one has to try and figure out whether or not what they're doing will fit in with my beliefs. They're right out there for everybody to see.
I haven't always been this way. There was a time, not so long ago that I've forgotten, that I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and I didn't give a shit whether or not it hurt anybody else. As long as I was getting what I felt that I should have, or getting whatever I wanted, it mattered not in the slightest if someone else got screwed over in the process. I was an asshat. I'm not particularly proud of that.
But I am proud that I've changed from that. I still go my own way and do my own thing. But I'm very careful now to not hurt others in the process. Generally if someone gets hurt by something I've done, it wasn't intentional, and I'll try to correct it. At least, most of the time. If I've set out to hurt someone now, there are extenuating circumstances, and chances are I've been severely hurt by them first. And it takes a fair amount to get me to the point of anger. I don't have the flash-temper that I once did.
Control is a beautiful thing. Self-control. Control over your surroundings. Control in general. And I have control now. I wake up in the morning, and do what needs to be done. I take care of my friends. I take up the slack when it needs to be, and help those who are willing to help themselves. Because I can, because I have enough control now to function enough to help others.
But I've gotten to the point over the years where trying to help those who have no interest in helping themselves is useless. It's like walking up to a concrete wall, and slamming my fist into it repeatedly, sure that sooner or later that wall will give up, and I'll win. Never going to happen. So I don't put my poor fist through that anymore. Now, I look at the wall, and shake my head. Then I go find a ladder, instead of trying to punch my way through. Climbing is much more efficient than punching in that type of situation.
I'm having to re-evaluate things in my life this month. Things I never expected to need to question have become clouded. And I dislike confusion. I like things to be ordered, and neat and logical. I function best that way.
So in order to have my life in its normal logical state, I've made a few changes. I let some things go, and just walked away. I read something once where the description was along the lines of `Don't do it. She will erase you from her life the way you remove letters from a chalkboard. Completely and effortlessly.` And that's how I've decided to handle the discord that was colouring my life. I'll erase it, as I would chalk markings on a board.
The only words that can hurt me are the ones I allow to make an impact. I know this. And knowing, have chosen to no longer listen to the words. Actions speak louder than words most of the time. And actions have already proven themselves.
I had a tag line up a few days ago that said "Loyalty is not like underwear. You don't change daily." And that's true. You're either loyal and your actions follow your words, or they don't. It actually is a black or white issue for me. You don't claim to be a confidante, someone worthy of trust and compassion, while turning around and saying the exact opposite. You don't tell secrets that were given to you to others. You're trustworthy and honest.
I'm loyal to a specific group. And those people are fully aware of who I am, and the things I believe in. Makes it easier all around for everybody, because no one has to try and figure out whether or not what they're doing will fit in with my beliefs. They're right out there for everybody to see.
I haven't always been this way. There was a time, not so long ago that I've forgotten, that I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and I didn't give a shit whether or not it hurt anybody else. As long as I was getting what I felt that I should have, or getting whatever I wanted, it mattered not in the slightest if someone else got screwed over in the process. I was an asshat. I'm not particularly proud of that.
But I am proud that I've changed from that. I still go my own way and do my own thing. But I'm very careful now to not hurt others in the process. Generally if someone gets hurt by something I've done, it wasn't intentional, and I'll try to correct it. At least, most of the time. If I've set out to hurt someone now, there are extenuating circumstances, and chances are I've been severely hurt by them first. And it takes a fair amount to get me to the point of anger. I don't have the flash-temper that I once did.
Control is a beautiful thing. Self-control. Control over your surroundings. Control in general. And I have control now. I wake up in the morning, and do what needs to be done. I take care of my friends. I take up the slack when it needs to be, and help those who are willing to help themselves. Because I can, because I have enough control now to function enough to help others.
But I've gotten to the point over the years where trying to help those who have no interest in helping themselves is useless. It's like walking up to a concrete wall, and slamming my fist into it repeatedly, sure that sooner or later that wall will give up, and I'll win. Never going to happen. So I don't put my poor fist through that anymore. Now, I look at the wall, and shake my head. Then I go find a ladder, instead of trying to punch my way through. Climbing is much more efficient than punching in that type of situation.
I'm having to re-evaluate things in my life this month. Things I never expected to need to question have become clouded. And I dislike confusion. I like things to be ordered, and neat and logical. I function best that way.
So in order to have my life in its normal logical state, I've made a few changes. I let some things go, and just walked away. I read something once where the description was along the lines of `Don't do it. She will erase you from her life the way you remove letters from a chalkboard. Completely and effortlessly.` And that's how I've decided to handle the discord that was colouring my life. I'll erase it, as I would chalk markings on a board.
The only words that can hurt me are the ones I allow to make an impact. I know this. And knowing, have chosen to no longer listen to the words. Actions speak louder than words most of the time. And actions have already proven themselves.
Random
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't
have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way
to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile
and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great
risk..
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and
responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't
have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way
to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile
and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great
risk..
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and
responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
Karma
So yeah, Karma. I've always more or less believed in Karma in the traditional sense, but at the root it seems to go back to "do unto others". I let the car in the driveway out if there's a huge line of people behind me. I take the time to listen when someone has a problem, because it helps them to express what's going on in a rational way, so they can come to grips with things. I usually have twenty dollars in an emergency to tide someone over for the couple days until payday. I treat other people for the most part the way I'd like to be treated. Generally even people who I know will never return the favor. It all adds up in the end, to my Karma bank account.
So at Christmas, at the mall, I can usually find the front row parking spot. I generally end up with people who will listen to me when I have something to say. I respect people's beliefs, and as a result, rarely get any flack about my own beliefs or morals.
It's a nice setup, Karma. But there's always someone who thinks that they should get to decide who gets what, and when. They see themselves somehow as the judge, jury and executioner. It's pretty funny if you think about it, because the executioner probably doesn't end up with a lot of good Karma in his basket, since he's usually beheading people. Individual people don't get to make the rules for others. You can't decide whether or not JimBob has done something wrong, and try to punish him for it. It isn't your decision to make. Some higher power, pick which one at your own discretion, is going to be making that decision, and probably isn't going to be appreciating your input in the first place. Which leads back to garnering bad Karma for you, if you try to make decisions that aren't yours to make.
So I get to sit back and watch the people who are stupid enough to try and take upon themselves stuff they have no business being involved in to begin with, and watch them get back what they have coming to them for sticking their nose into other's business. Great entertainment, if you can get it.
Meh, just a thought for the windy freezing morning today.
So at Christmas, at the mall, I can usually find the front row parking spot. I generally end up with people who will listen to me when I have something to say. I respect people's beliefs, and as a result, rarely get any flack about my own beliefs or morals.
It's a nice setup, Karma. But there's always someone who thinks that they should get to decide who gets what, and when. They see themselves somehow as the judge, jury and executioner. It's pretty funny if you think about it, because the executioner probably doesn't end up with a lot of good Karma in his basket, since he's usually beheading people. Individual people don't get to make the rules for others. You can't decide whether or not JimBob has done something wrong, and try to punish him for it. It isn't your decision to make. Some higher power, pick which one at your own discretion, is going to be making that decision, and probably isn't going to be appreciating your input in the first place. Which leads back to garnering bad Karma for you, if you try to make decisions that aren't yours to make.
So I get to sit back and watch the people who are stupid enough to try and take upon themselves stuff they have no business being involved in to begin with, and watch them get back what they have coming to them for sticking their nose into other's business. Great entertainment, if you can get it.
Meh, just a thought for the windy freezing morning today.
Secret word of the week
This week's secret word of the week is dissolute. I am personally a little surprised to have learned the actual dictionary definition of the term, although I have no idea what I thought it meant in the first place. It must have been one of those terms that I had confused with a different word.
Dissolute:
Definition:
Indifferent to moral restraints, given to moral or improper conduct, licentious.
adj. Lacking moral restraint; indulging in sensual pleasures or vices.
Synonyms:
Corrupt, loose, debauched, wanton or abandoned.
Thesaurus:
Main Entry: dissolute
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: immoral
Synonyms: abandoned, corrupt, debauched, degenerate, depraved, dissipated, evil, fast*, hell-bent, high living*, lax, lewd, libertine, licentious, light, loose*, night owl*, nighthawk*, open, playboy, player*, profligate, raffish, rakish, reprobate, slack, speedy, swift, unconstrained, unprincipled, unrestrained, vicious, wanton, wayward, wicked, wild
Dissolute:
Definition:
Indifferent to moral restraints, given to moral or improper conduct, licentious.
adj. Lacking moral restraint; indulging in sensual pleasures or vices.
Synonyms:
Corrupt, loose, debauched, wanton or abandoned.
Thesaurus:
Main Entry: dissolute
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: immoral
Synonyms: abandoned, corrupt, debauched, degenerate, depraved, dissipated, evil, fast*, hell-bent, high living*, lax, lewd, libertine, licentious, light, loose*, night owl*, nighthawk*, open, playboy, player*, profligate, raffish, rakish, reprobate, slack, speedy, swift, unconstrained, unprincipled, unrestrained, vicious, wanton, wayward, wicked, wild
Thursday, October 18, 2007
R.I.P. Cassie...
Jezebel was a legend, once upon a time. And I mean that with the utmost respect imaginable, because I loved her, and she was my friend. And she's gone, now. I found out that she died, last Friday, although the details are unclear. The local paper has the obituary, which confirmed the memorial details, and there's someone checking for concrete details on what happened at the coroner's office, not that it really matters, because she's gone, and knowing how or why isn't going to give her back. And it isn't fair.
Because of my spotty memory, I can't always remember what I want to, which frustrates me sometimes. But I can remember clear as day when Cassie was sitting on the couch, long braid over her shoulder, laughing while she held Dana. She was just tickled when I brought the baby home from the hospital. Look at that, you're a mommy, was how she looked at it.
Jezebel and Jessamyn. Friends. And she's gone. And I'll miss her. I won't go to her memorial service, even though I'd like to, because I know that a fair amount of people who wouldn't appreciate my presence will turn out to show their respects for Cass. And because I know that she would rather that the memorial itself not even be held, I choose to honor what I already know would have been her wishes, and pass. The shell that was Cass isn't there. She was too private a person to have wanted a public memorial.
So rest in peace, Cassie, I miss you...
Because of my spotty memory, I can't always remember what I want to, which frustrates me sometimes. But I can remember clear as day when Cassie was sitting on the couch, long braid over her shoulder, laughing while she held Dana. She was just tickled when I brought the baby home from the hospital. Look at that, you're a mommy, was how she looked at it.
Jezebel and Jessamyn. Friends. And she's gone. And I'll miss her. I won't go to her memorial service, even though I'd like to, because I know that a fair amount of people who wouldn't appreciate my presence will turn out to show their respects for Cass. And because I know that she would rather that the memorial itself not even be held, I choose to honor what I already know would have been her wishes, and pass. The shell that was Cass isn't there. She was too private a person to have wanted a public memorial.
So rest in peace, Cassie, I miss you...
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Secret word of the week
Oneiric.
This week's word of the week is oneiric.
I've been feeling that way a bit this last week, and figured I'd throw it out there as the word for the next week or so. Go forth my readers, and use oneiric!
Or look it up, if you don't know what it means :)
Goodnight internets.
This week's word of the week is oneiric.
I've been feeling that way a bit this last week, and figured I'd throw it out there as the word for the next week or so. Go forth my readers, and use oneiric!
Or look it up, if you don't know what it means :)
Goodnight internets.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
One last cry
We moved furniture around today. Mona's moving in, we moved her stuff completely out of Kat's place and into here. We still need to go to the storage unit and move that stuff over here, but everything she had at Kat's is here now. And we're packing up and moving Danny's stuff out. It's a weird feeling.
So I've been doing some packing up of my own, whilst this is going on. I hadn't realized it would need to be done. I should have, but I didn't, so it's kind of hitting hard at times. I packed up the stuffed animals he's given me over the years. Anniversary presents. Just because gifts. All the little mementos. I know that in the bottom drawer is the blanket I had custom-made that has our anniversary date on it...and I don't know what to do with it. So many things. I'm going to have to take that stuff down, because looking at it hurts. But I don't want to just trash it.
I feel like I've failed. I *have* failed. Seven years. Such a long time. The silly little yellow bird who chirps when I push the button on his tummy, that makes me smile when I'm sad. We had to get a new battery for him, a couple of months ago, because his finally ran out. Danny got a replacement battery for him at Radio Shack, and I did surgery on this little yellow stuffed bird, and now his chirp is as good as new...he wasn't an expensive toy or anything, but he made me smile...and now who will help me repair him if the battery dies again? And it breaks my heart, because I cried and cried when his chirp wouldn't work anymore. We got that little bird when I was in one of my worst spells of depression, and that little chirp made me smile when I couldn't stop crying. And Danny spent a couple of days figuring out how to fix that stuffed toy. He found the appropriate battery, and I stitched it up.
And I feel sad because all the problems aren't as easily repaired as my little yellow bird. It isn't that I don't love Danny. I still love him. He'll remain my best friend. But that's where it stops, because it has to. And as I look around, and slowly put the last seven years into boxes and cry, I realize that the tears will stop. I can continue on. It hurts, because this is life, and life hurts. But at the end of the day, I will move on. I can still smile. I know, because I was smiling earlier today.
It's going to take time. It's going to take space, and it's going to be hard. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy. But I can do this, and I should. I need to stand on my own two feet. I need to be myself again, and I need to feel these feelings.
And one day, I'm going to be able to sit down, and open the boxes, and read through the journals. And I'm going to smile and it isn't going to hurt. And the memories will be just memories, instead of pain. I'll have one last cry, and then I'll let it go. Because when I close those boxes, the new day will dawn, and I'm going to move forward.
I don't know what I want to do yet. I don't know anything. But I know that it's time to stop crying, and start living again.
So I've been doing some packing up of my own, whilst this is going on. I hadn't realized it would need to be done. I should have, but I didn't, so it's kind of hitting hard at times. I packed up the stuffed animals he's given me over the years. Anniversary presents. Just because gifts. All the little mementos. I know that in the bottom drawer is the blanket I had custom-made that has our anniversary date on it...and I don't know what to do with it. So many things. I'm going to have to take that stuff down, because looking at it hurts. But I don't want to just trash it.
I feel like I've failed. I *have* failed. Seven years. Such a long time. The silly little yellow bird who chirps when I push the button on his tummy, that makes me smile when I'm sad. We had to get a new battery for him, a couple of months ago, because his finally ran out. Danny got a replacement battery for him at Radio Shack, and I did surgery on this little yellow stuffed bird, and now his chirp is as good as new...he wasn't an expensive toy or anything, but he made me smile...and now who will help me repair him if the battery dies again? And it breaks my heart, because I cried and cried when his chirp wouldn't work anymore. We got that little bird when I was in one of my worst spells of depression, and that little chirp made me smile when I couldn't stop crying. And Danny spent a couple of days figuring out how to fix that stuffed toy. He found the appropriate battery, and I stitched it up.
And I feel sad because all the problems aren't as easily repaired as my little yellow bird. It isn't that I don't love Danny. I still love him. He'll remain my best friend. But that's where it stops, because it has to. And as I look around, and slowly put the last seven years into boxes and cry, I realize that the tears will stop. I can continue on. It hurts, because this is life, and life hurts. But at the end of the day, I will move on. I can still smile. I know, because I was smiling earlier today.
It's going to take time. It's going to take space, and it's going to be hard. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy. But I can do this, and I should. I need to stand on my own two feet. I need to be myself again, and I need to feel these feelings.
And one day, I'm going to be able to sit down, and open the boxes, and read through the journals. And I'm going to smile and it isn't going to hurt. And the memories will be just memories, instead of pain. I'll have one last cry, and then I'll let it go. Because when I close those boxes, the new day will dawn, and I'm going to move forward.
I don't know what I want to do yet. I don't know anything. But I know that it's time to stop crying, and start living again.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Pain before the rain
Also known as, walking weather predictor. Which can be sort of a pain in the ass. Well, actually, not so much a pain in the ass as a pain in the, well, everywhere else, basically. We finally got some rain, yesterday. Or was that today? (ponder) Wow. It's bad that I honestly can't remember which day it rained. Whatever. The day before it finally did rain, I went to go and sign off on the rental application. Everything was peachy. Grabbed my shoes, my keys, out the door I went. Bopping along, everything's just sunny. Wandered across the street. Went up the walkway, and what the hell??!?! Where'd that freight train come from? What the fuck man?! Every single joint and bone and muscle in my body started screaming, simultaneously. I seriously couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. And because it's very unusual, that whole-body experience, I continued on to go sign the paperwork. Staggered my way home, and promptly took enough various high end drugs to sink the Titanic.
For those of you unfamiliar with my drug habits (har har har), that would be I took three (yes, count 'em) Norcos, a Soma, two Motrin and had myself a glass of wine. Suffice it to say I was, um...friendly? Heh. Took about forty five minutes for the stupid things to kick in, but once they did, whooo boy, lookout. I was forbidden to have communication with anyone except myself and Chelle, due to the fact that I was so far inebriated as to be out of control of what I might accidentally say in my completely shit-faced state.
I'm a happy druggie, apparently. Sadly for me, my drug induced haze only lasted about an hour, tops. Although the painkilling effects lasted quite a while longer than that. And once the rain finally came, I no longer need the pain pills.
But good grasshoppers, what was up with the freight train effect? I haven't been slammed like that with oncoming weather in ages. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I got slammed like that. I mean, it's completely normal for me to know that we're about to have a weather shift. I'm better than the weather channel. But a freight train? I can live without *that*, thank you very much.
In other news...the red wine I use for cooking? Abso-fucking-lutely *heinous* for drinking. And my pain pills? Really makes my Topamax ineffective. I get all moody and shit. I can feel the de-mood-stabilizing effects from the pain pills making the mood-stabilizy crap from my meds not working. So, no more pain pills for me. Bummer all around.
So, inebriated Crystal? Bad. Topamax-laced Crystal? Good. Cooking wine? HORRIBLE.
For those of you unfamiliar with my drug habits (har har har), that would be I took three (yes, count 'em) Norcos, a Soma, two Motrin and had myself a glass of wine. Suffice it to say I was, um...friendly? Heh. Took about forty five minutes for the stupid things to kick in, but once they did, whooo boy, lookout. I was forbidden to have communication with anyone except myself and Chelle, due to the fact that I was so far inebriated as to be out of control of what I might accidentally say in my completely shit-faced state.
I'm a happy druggie, apparently. Sadly for me, my drug induced haze only lasted about an hour, tops. Although the painkilling effects lasted quite a while longer than that. And once the rain finally came, I no longer need the pain pills.
But good grasshoppers, what was up with the freight train effect? I haven't been slammed like that with oncoming weather in ages. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I got slammed like that. I mean, it's completely normal for me to know that we're about to have a weather shift. I'm better than the weather channel. But a freight train? I can live without *that*, thank you very much.
In other news...the red wine I use for cooking? Abso-fucking-lutely *heinous* for drinking. And my pain pills? Really makes my Topamax ineffective. I get all moody and shit. I can feel the de-mood-stabilizing effects from the pain pills making the mood-stabilizy crap from my meds not working. So, no more pain pills for me. Bummer all around.
So, inebriated Crystal? Bad. Topamax-laced Crystal? Good. Cooking wine? HORRIBLE.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Rocking out...?
Maybe not. I have Nickelback's "rockstar" in my head, and playing on my iTunes, actually. I'm thinking about doing something outrageous to my hair, and to my look. Maybe just doing something outrageous in general.
I feel as though I'm falling faster and faster and I can't stop it, and I'm not even sure I want to. It's worse at night. Old music that used to have meaning for me is once again having meaning for me, and making me ponder old feelings. Lots of old feelings are resurfacing. Probably why I'm contemplating doing something shocking to my looks.
I am angry. I am angry and I am alone. I did the right thing, for the right reasons, which is great. Yay for me. I made the sane, responsible choice. I did the adult thing. And I am slowly moving on. Moving forward? Perhaps. But I am alone. And it isn't fair to expect me to be happy and smiling all the time. I am angry, because it isn't easy for me. I could have taken the easy way, and I didn't. And that's fine, but I wish people weren't expecting miracles from me.
Yes, I want everyone to be happy. But hey, is it too much to ask that I get to be happy too? Is it really? Is it too much to expect that I can be sad, and cry, and that in reality I have lost here too? Because I have.
I didn't just shrug and let it all go without any thought at all. There was some serious thought involved. I had really tried my honest-to-god best. I had planned on a future. Perhaps not the white picket fence variety, but a future nonetheless. And that's gone now, because what I had pictured, and what he had in mind weren't the same. But the basic idea was there. Growing old together. A dog. A house. A *life*, damnit. A partner.
And while I'm smiling, and doing my damnedest to make it all easy and make the transition easy, it's not that simple for me. Because yes, it hurts. And I'm losing here too. So this is hurting me. Because I did the right thing, because I can't be what he wants for the long term. I can't give what he wants. But that doesn't mean that I'm not losing something here. I'm losing a lot. Just because I'm not sitting here screaming and crying and making a massive deal out of it doesn't mean it's not there.
My sanity is hanging by a fucking thread. And I don't have anything to grab hold of, because there isn't particularly anything I *can* grab. He's moving on. Faster than I could ever have really imagined. Which cements for me that this was the right thing. I guess that's a good thing? But it makes it almost impossible to try and ask for comfort in any form, because friends or not, there's no way to try and explain things in any way that doesn't make everyone miserable.
So I feel like a failure. I am angry. I am sad. I feel lost and confused, because everything I was so sure of is gone. I don't know what to think or to say or how to feel, or what to do, or not do. I don't know where I fit in anymore, or how to behave. Everything I had and everything I was was tied up in that person I was pretending to be, and now I'm at a loss for what to do now...
I feel as though I'm falling faster and faster and I can't stop it, and I'm not even sure I want to. It's worse at night. Old music that used to have meaning for me is once again having meaning for me, and making me ponder old feelings. Lots of old feelings are resurfacing. Probably why I'm contemplating doing something shocking to my looks.
I am angry. I am angry and I am alone. I did the right thing, for the right reasons, which is great. Yay for me. I made the sane, responsible choice. I did the adult thing. And I am slowly moving on. Moving forward? Perhaps. But I am alone. And it isn't fair to expect me to be happy and smiling all the time. I am angry, because it isn't easy for me. I could have taken the easy way, and I didn't. And that's fine, but I wish people weren't expecting miracles from me.
Yes, I want everyone to be happy. But hey, is it too much to ask that I get to be happy too? Is it really? Is it too much to expect that I can be sad, and cry, and that in reality I have lost here too? Because I have.
I didn't just shrug and let it all go without any thought at all. There was some serious thought involved. I had really tried my honest-to-god best. I had planned on a future. Perhaps not the white picket fence variety, but a future nonetheless. And that's gone now, because what I had pictured, and what he had in mind weren't the same. But the basic idea was there. Growing old together. A dog. A house. A *life*, damnit. A partner.
And while I'm smiling, and doing my damnedest to make it all easy and make the transition easy, it's not that simple for me. Because yes, it hurts. And I'm losing here too. So this is hurting me. Because I did the right thing, because I can't be what he wants for the long term. I can't give what he wants. But that doesn't mean that I'm not losing something here. I'm losing a lot. Just because I'm not sitting here screaming and crying and making a massive deal out of it doesn't mean it's not there.
My sanity is hanging by a fucking thread. And I don't have anything to grab hold of, because there isn't particularly anything I *can* grab. He's moving on. Faster than I could ever have really imagined. Which cements for me that this was the right thing. I guess that's a good thing? But it makes it almost impossible to try and ask for comfort in any form, because friends or not, there's no way to try and explain things in any way that doesn't make everyone miserable.
So I feel like a failure. I am angry. I am sad. I feel lost and confused, because everything I was so sure of is gone. I don't know what to think or to say or how to feel, or what to do, or not do. I don't know where I fit in anymore, or how to behave. Everything I had and everything I was was tied up in that person I was pretending to be, and now I'm at a loss for what to do now...
Monday, October 8, 2007
The picture below
That was taken on 'Chelle's camera phone a few nights ago, and I like it. It's actually pretty rare for me to see a picture of myself that I actually like, so I thought I'd post it. I had her send it to me, and decided to post it here.
She says she will photoshop it, but I like it just the way it is, so here it is.
It's been a very melancholy few days for me, and I can't really say that I see an end in sight. There are several conversations that I should be having that I keep not having. There are many things I should probably be dealing with that I'm not. I'm still not sleeping, not really.
I want to go to sleep and feel comforted and safe. I want to ask for that, and I can't quite bring myself to do it. I want a lot of things. I want to be as confident as I once was. I want to be able to remember things that I've lost, and I want to laugh.
I just want you...just for a little while...
She says she will photoshop it, but I like it just the way it is, so here it is.
It's been a very melancholy few days for me, and I can't really say that I see an end in sight. There are several conversations that I should be having that I keep not having. There are many things I should probably be dealing with that I'm not. I'm still not sleeping, not really.
I want to go to sleep and feel comforted and safe. I want to ask for that, and I can't quite bring myself to do it. I want a lot of things. I want to be as confident as I once was. I want to be able to remember things that I've lost, and I want to laugh.
I just want you...just for a little while...
Sunday, October 7, 2007
and every time less words are spoken
with every instance less is said
with every passing breath a heart is broken
with every whisper emotions felt are dead
in time those things i thought i heard will silence
with time those feelings will desist
lost thoughts to turn away from violence
the emotional overload easy to resist
things can return to level ground
terrain regained with every brick
confidence gained with armor bound
strength bolstered again with old tricks
with every instance less is said
with every passing breath a heart is broken
with every whisper emotions felt are dead
in time those things i thought i heard will silence
with time those feelings will desist
lost thoughts to turn away from violence
the emotional overload easy to resist
things can return to level ground
terrain regained with every brick
confidence gained with armor bound
strength bolstered again with old tricks
Midnight musings
Danny's birthday dinner was Friday night, and a group of us gathered at the Spaghetti Factory. Pictures were taken, which are actually up on his myspace, for those who have access to it. I'm sure they're in other locations, but I suck and don't have that handy, so I can't post links to it.
Chelle tells me it was the saddest birthday dinner she's ever been to, only I disagree. I thought it actually went off fairly well, all things considered. Food was good, conversation flowed fairly well. No awkward silences, no angry exchanges. The only truly awkward moment happened when we bumped into friends on our way out who hadn't been told about the breakup, and so were unaware of the current circumstances...
All in all, things are going okay. It has to be the absolute most strange breakup on record, as things go, but we both agree, since we've spent a fair amount of time discussing it, that this should have happened a long time ago. The ease with which we're handling the actual emotional side of it tells us that this is the right thing to do. We're better friends than life partners. And we're damn good friends. I'm grateful for that.
Things are still going to be a little weird. You can't sleep with someone and spend that part of your life with them for seven years without their being a little weirdness. But things are going to be okay, I think. He's been my best friend for so long, that it would just be wrong if that suddenly stopped cold. I just want to see him be happy. And I wasn't making him happy, not really. We tried to, but it just wasn't there. We're both much happier without the pretending...
Anyhow, Danny is now twenty six, and life is moving on. Things are moving on. And my midnight ramblings are still as pointless and random as always.
Chelle tells me it was the saddest birthday dinner she's ever been to, only I disagree. I thought it actually went off fairly well, all things considered. Food was good, conversation flowed fairly well. No awkward silences, no angry exchanges. The only truly awkward moment happened when we bumped into friends on our way out who hadn't been told about the breakup, and so were unaware of the current circumstances...
All in all, things are going okay. It has to be the absolute most strange breakup on record, as things go, but we both agree, since we've spent a fair amount of time discussing it, that this should have happened a long time ago. The ease with which we're handling the actual emotional side of it tells us that this is the right thing to do. We're better friends than life partners. And we're damn good friends. I'm grateful for that.
Things are still going to be a little weird. You can't sleep with someone and spend that part of your life with them for seven years without their being a little weirdness. But things are going to be okay, I think. He's been my best friend for so long, that it would just be wrong if that suddenly stopped cold. I just want to see him be happy. And I wasn't making him happy, not really. We tried to, but it just wasn't there. We're both much happier without the pretending...
Anyhow, Danny is now twenty six, and life is moving on. Things are moving on. And my midnight ramblings are still as pointless and random as always.
Secret word of the week
It's that time again, and this time I've decided to give some thought to my word of the week. It's once again the middle of the night, because I'm not given to a whole lot of sleep lately. My word of the week...what should it be? I was going to go with another one of the light-hearted funny words, but I've decided I'm just not feeling in a particularly light mood.
So this week's word of the week is going to be "recondite".
Use that in a sentence my dearhearts.
So this week's word of the week is going to be "recondite".
Use that in a sentence my dearhearts.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Chinese astrology? Oh, Brody?
Fire Snake, eh?
***
Those of you born under the influence of the Chinese Element Fire burn through life with your fierce charm, your impulsive enthusiasm and your restless emotions. A natural leader, you inspire with your decisive action and dramatic expression; people can't help but be magnetically drawn to you. Where will you lead your followers? Likely into an exciting adventure of some sort. You're instinctual, but your mind sparks with new ideas and clever solutions.
In love, you're highly-charged -- even combustible at times! Hot tamales to the core, these dynamic individuals can see straight to the heart of an issue and make it work for them. You may seem single-minded, but you just refuse to be swayed from a cause they believe to be important.
Diplomatic and popular, the Snake has the sensual art of seduction down. This Sign is an interesting mix of gregariousness paired with introversion, intuitive reasoning paired with savvy business skills. Snakes are considered to be lucky with money and will generally have more than enough to live life to the fullest, regardless of how important it considers money to be; this may be due to the fact that Snakes tend to be rather tight with cash. They're not stingy, they're simply more mentally than physically active. Snakes tend to hang back a bit in order to analyze a situation before jumping into it. Their charming, seductive quality actually belies a rather retiring nature; this Sign is perfectly happy to spend the whole day curled up with a good book and, thus, can be mislabeled as being lazy.
The Snake is somewhat insecure deep down and tend to be a rather jealous, possessive lover, behavior that can end up alienating loved ones. Despite these less-than-stellar tendencies, however, the Snake often proves irresistible and is a generous, loving partner. Slightly dangerous and disarmingly smart, the Snake's philosophical and intuitive mind generally supersedes logic in favor of feelings and instinct. Snakes will rely on their own gut reactions and intuitions before turning to others for suggestions. This makes this Sign a great hand in any business venture, possessing the caution and smarts needed to get ahead.
Snakes are hard workers (when they see good reason to be!) and are possessed of a keen intelligence. Snakes have incredible follow-through, once they get going, and they expect the same from others. Thus, their coworkers and employees had best stay on their toes, lest they anger the Snake and suffer its poisonous bite!
In general, of course, Snakes are generous and genteel, charming and appealing. Snakes must try to learn humility and to develop a stronger sense of self. Once Snakes realize that confidence comes from within, they will finally be comfortable in their own skin.
The most compatible match for a Snake is the Rooster or the Ox.
***
Those of you born under the influence of the Chinese Element Fire burn through life with your fierce charm, your impulsive enthusiasm and your restless emotions. A natural leader, you inspire with your decisive action and dramatic expression; people can't help but be magnetically drawn to you. Where will you lead your followers? Likely into an exciting adventure of some sort. You're instinctual, but your mind sparks with new ideas and clever solutions.
In love, you're highly-charged -- even combustible at times! Hot tamales to the core, these dynamic individuals can see straight to the heart of an issue and make it work for them. You may seem single-minded, but you just refuse to be swayed from a cause they believe to be important.
Diplomatic and popular, the Snake has the sensual art of seduction down. This Sign is an interesting mix of gregariousness paired with introversion, intuitive reasoning paired with savvy business skills. Snakes are considered to be lucky with money and will generally have more than enough to live life to the fullest, regardless of how important it considers money to be; this may be due to the fact that Snakes tend to be rather tight with cash. They're not stingy, they're simply more mentally than physically active. Snakes tend to hang back a bit in order to analyze a situation before jumping into it. Their charming, seductive quality actually belies a rather retiring nature; this Sign is perfectly happy to spend the whole day curled up with a good book and, thus, can be mislabeled as being lazy.
The Snake is somewhat insecure deep down and tend to be a rather jealous, possessive lover, behavior that can end up alienating loved ones. Despite these less-than-stellar tendencies, however, the Snake often proves irresistible and is a generous, loving partner. Slightly dangerous and disarmingly smart, the Snake's philosophical and intuitive mind generally supersedes logic in favor of feelings and instinct. Snakes will rely on their own gut reactions and intuitions before turning to others for suggestions. This makes this Sign a great hand in any business venture, possessing the caution and smarts needed to get ahead.
Snakes are hard workers (when they see good reason to be!) and are possessed of a keen intelligence. Snakes have incredible follow-through, once they get going, and they expect the same from others. Thus, their coworkers and employees had best stay on their toes, lest they anger the Snake and suffer its poisonous bite!
In general, of course, Snakes are generous and genteel, charming and appealing. Snakes must try to learn humility and to develop a stronger sense of self. Once Snakes realize that confidence comes from within, they will finally be comfortable in their own skin.
The most compatible match for a Snake is the Rooster or the Ox.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Taking a page
From someone else's book. Somebody else was talking about being emotionally disconnected. Well, not that exactly, but I'm taking a page from that book. It feels as though I've been that way for most of my life. And it turns out that that might be the best thing for me. The distance that gives me, the ability to see from that standpoint might be the way I can handle reality. The distance to be able to function in a world that is overwhelming to me.
I am very much accustomed to being able to be about five steps removed from any given situation. I can handle most problems by virtue of the fact that rarely, if ever, does anything directly make me care. Even if circumstances concern me directly, I simply do not emotionally connect to them. And that makes it so I can handle a great deal. It gives me a way to deal.
The trouble is that right now, I am feeling too much. I cannot control anything and Aeverything seems to be spiraling out of control. It isn't particularly visible on the surface, not always. I can and am holding it together most of the time. And then I crash, and fall apart. I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping. If I didn't know better, I would seriously think that I was on some kind of methamphetamines, only I know that I'm not. I go and go and go, until I absolutely drop. Or I burst into tears. I am exhausted, but I can't sleep.
And it's so hard. I can't just let go, and try and take the comfort I need, because I don't quite know how. The little solace I'm managing to hold on to is in short supply indeed, and even that isn't going to last long. I am frustrated and angry and sad and confused and happy and giddy and all of the emotions that have been absent for so long that I had forgotten how they felt.
And while on the one hand, it's amazing, all the feelings. On the opposite hand, they are overwhelming me. I am crashing and drowning, and I can't breathe. There is nothing to hold on to, and no one to hold me long enough for me to sleep and breathe. And I hurt.
Someone said to me in the last few days that perhaps I give too much. I want to ease the pain everyone else feels, and make it easier for them. And that's true. But I don't know how to ask for anyone to ease my pain, or accept it when someone wants to give to me. I don't even know how to explain *how* to help me when I am in pain. Physical or emotional.
It is once again the middle of the night, and I am once again wandering around in circles in a blog post that makes no sense to anyone else but me...
Goodnight internets...
I am very much accustomed to being able to be about five steps removed from any given situation. I can handle most problems by virtue of the fact that rarely, if ever, does anything directly make me care. Even if circumstances concern me directly, I simply do not emotionally connect to them. And that makes it so I can handle a great deal. It gives me a way to deal.
The trouble is that right now, I am feeling too much. I cannot control anything and Aeverything seems to be spiraling out of control. It isn't particularly visible on the surface, not always. I can and am holding it together most of the time. And then I crash, and fall apart. I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping. If I didn't know better, I would seriously think that I was on some kind of methamphetamines, only I know that I'm not. I go and go and go, until I absolutely drop. Or I burst into tears. I am exhausted, but I can't sleep.
And it's so hard. I can't just let go, and try and take the comfort I need, because I don't quite know how. The little solace I'm managing to hold on to is in short supply indeed, and even that isn't going to last long. I am frustrated and angry and sad and confused and happy and giddy and all of the emotions that have been absent for so long that I had forgotten how they felt.
And while on the one hand, it's amazing, all the feelings. On the opposite hand, they are overwhelming me. I am crashing and drowning, and I can't breathe. There is nothing to hold on to, and no one to hold me long enough for me to sleep and breathe. And I hurt.
Someone said to me in the last few days that perhaps I give too much. I want to ease the pain everyone else feels, and make it easier for them. And that's true. But I don't know how to ask for anyone to ease my pain, or accept it when someone wants to give to me. I don't even know how to explain *how* to help me when I am in pain. Physical or emotional.
It is once again the middle of the night, and I am once again wandering around in circles in a blog post that makes no sense to anyone else but me...
Goodnight internets...
For what it's worth
Articulating my thoughts is always going to be easier for me if I don't have to get them expressed out loud. I tried. I hope it was enough. Even if it all falls apart now, and it seems as though that might happen, it was worth it. For me, it was worth it.
The world is spinning around me. The walls were closing in on me, and I'm still walking on quicksand, or so it feels. I'll survive, because that's what I do. Everything inside of me is breaking, and it hurts. And I'll still survive. I won't say don't worry about me, because you'll be concerned anyway. I'll remember, now. The things that I'd blocked off, I can remember some of them now. Thank you for returning some of the more precious memories. Thank you for giving me back some of myself...
i can see you
feel you
touch you
i could hold you forever
i am broken
bleeding
defeated
i have failed
i am crying
lost
lonely
i need you
i want you
but what will become of me now?
The world is spinning around me. The walls were closing in on me, and I'm still walking on quicksand, or so it feels. I'll survive, because that's what I do. Everything inside of me is breaking, and it hurts. And I'll still survive. I won't say don't worry about me, because you'll be concerned anyway. I'll remember, now. The things that I'd blocked off, I can remember some of them now. Thank you for returning some of the more precious memories. Thank you for giving me back some of myself...
i can see you
feel you
touch you
i could hold you forever
i am broken
bleeding
defeated
i have failed
i am crying
lost
lonely
i need you
i want you
but what will become of me now?
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Breaking up is hard to do...
Because that's how everything works, isn't it? I guess that's just how I am...for most things, at any rate. My apologies to those of you who haven't gotten a personal call from me, letting you know what's going on, but things are complicated, and I'm so tired.
Danny and I have officially ended our relationship...He'll be moving out of our apartment soon, back to his parent's house. To be more precise, I have officially ended it, and he did nothing wrong. The decision was mine, and I made it. And about every fifteen minutes, I end up in a panic attack, wondering if I'm completely stupid, and if the love as a friend I feel for him would have been enough, if the comfort and security were worth it...and then I cry and cry and cry because I'm terrified. And it sucks.
I spent a very long time finally getting used to the idea that I might finally be "safe". Had finally accepted that. And now because I can't bring myself to pretend to be something I'm not, and I can't give Danny something in a relationship that's a deal breaker for us, in the long run, I've chosen this...now I'm scared, because all of my security is gone in one fell swoop. And it's terrifying.
There are other circumstances as well, but the headliner is irreconcilable differences. We're still friends. We've always been friends. We'll be sharing custody of his little sister. Heh. No, things are, on the surface, the way they've been for ages...except that we're in separate rooms.
The last person whose voice I hear before I fall asleep at night now, it isn't Danny's...And the first voice I hear when I wake up in the morning is no longer his. And that's okay. I smile at that voice too, and that helps. It's not the same, but at least I'm not completely alone. My friends are still there, Danny among them. But it hurts, and it's scary, and I did it to myself.
I could have waited a while longer, hoping that the way I felt would change...I could have pretended that things were fine. But I would have been putting off the inevitable. And that doesn't seem fair, just to be able to keep feeling safe. Danny deserves some kind of happy future with someone who can give him the family and life that he wants so badly. And that person, it just isn't me.
Danny and I have officially ended our relationship...He'll be moving out of our apartment soon, back to his parent's house. To be more precise, I have officially ended it, and he did nothing wrong. The decision was mine, and I made it. And about every fifteen minutes, I end up in a panic attack, wondering if I'm completely stupid, and if the love as a friend I feel for him would have been enough, if the comfort and security were worth it...and then I cry and cry and cry because I'm terrified. And it sucks.
I spent a very long time finally getting used to the idea that I might finally be "safe". Had finally accepted that. And now because I can't bring myself to pretend to be something I'm not, and I can't give Danny something in a relationship that's a deal breaker for us, in the long run, I've chosen this...now I'm scared, because all of my security is gone in one fell swoop. And it's terrifying.
There are other circumstances as well, but the headliner is irreconcilable differences. We're still friends. We've always been friends. We'll be sharing custody of his little sister. Heh. No, things are, on the surface, the way they've been for ages...except that we're in separate rooms.
The last person whose voice I hear before I fall asleep at night now, it isn't Danny's...And the first voice I hear when I wake up in the morning is no longer his. And that's okay. I smile at that voice too, and that helps. It's not the same, but at least I'm not completely alone. My friends are still there, Danny among them. But it hurts, and it's scary, and I did it to myself.
I could have waited a while longer, hoping that the way I felt would change...I could have pretended that things were fine. But I would have been putting off the inevitable. And that doesn't seem fair, just to be able to keep feeling safe. Danny deserves some kind of happy future with someone who can give him the family and life that he wants so badly. And that person, it just isn't me.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
There are stretches of silence
To hide the words
Words I cannot bring myself to say
I can barely bring myself to acknowledge them
I stand clear, finally
Looking out
Safe in my own space
From you, from them
From me?
I do not know anymore
There is so much inside of me
That it frightens me
And I cannot let out the words
For they have meaning
Only if I allow them escape
So I will hold them close
Until I feel safe enough to let them free
To hide the words
Words I cannot bring myself to say
I can barely bring myself to acknowledge them
I stand clear, finally
Looking out
Safe in my own space
From you, from them
From me?
I do not know anymore
There is so much inside of me
That it frightens me
And I cannot let out the words
For they have meaning
Only if I allow them escape
So I will hold them close
Until I feel safe enough to let them free
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