Breaking up is hard to do...

Because that's how everything works, isn't it? I guess that's just how I am...for most things, at any rate. My apologies to those of you who haven't gotten a personal call from me, letting you know what's going on, but things are complicated, and I'm so tired.

Danny and I have officially ended our relationship...He'll be moving out of our apartment soon, back to his parent's house. To be more precise, I have officially ended it, and he did nothing wrong. The decision was mine, and I made it. And about every fifteen minutes, I end up in a panic attack, wondering if I'm completely stupid, and if the love as a friend I feel for him would have been enough, if the comfort and security were worth it...and then I cry and cry and cry because I'm terrified. And it sucks.

I spent a very long time finally getting used to the idea that I might finally be "safe". Had finally accepted that. And now because I can't bring myself to pretend to be something I'm not, and I can't give Danny something in a relationship that's a deal breaker for us, in the long run, I've chosen this...now I'm scared, because all of my security is gone in one fell swoop. And it's terrifying.

There are other circumstances as well, but the headliner is irreconcilable differences. We're still friends. We've always been friends. We'll be sharing custody of his little sister. Heh. No, things are, on the surface, the way they've been for ages...except that we're in separate rooms.

The last person whose voice I hear before I fall asleep at night now, it isn't Danny's...And the first voice I hear when I wake up in the morning is no longer his. And that's okay. I smile at that voice too, and that helps. It's not the same, but at least I'm not completely alone. My friends are still there, Danny among them. But it hurts, and it's scary, and I did it to myself.

I could have waited a while longer, hoping that the way I felt would change...I could have pretended that things were fine. But I would have been putting off the inevitable. And that doesn't seem fair, just to be able to keep feeling safe. Danny deserves some kind of happy future with someone who can give him the family and life that he wants so badly. And that person, it just isn't me.