Taking a page

From someone else's book. Somebody else was talking about being emotionally disconnected. Well, not that exactly, but I'm taking a page from that book. It feels as though I've been that way for most of my life. And it turns out that that might be the best thing for me. The distance that gives me, the ability to see from that standpoint might be the way I can handle reality. The distance to be able to function in a world that is overwhelming to me.

I am very much accustomed to being able to be about five steps removed from any given situation. I can handle most problems by virtue of the fact that rarely, if ever, does anything directly make me care. Even if circumstances concern me directly, I simply do not emotionally connect to them. And that makes it so I can handle a great deal. It gives me a way to deal.

The trouble is that right now, I am feeling too much. I cannot control anything and Aeverything seems to be spiraling out of control. It isn't particularly visible on the surface, not always. I can and am holding it together most of the time. And then I crash, and fall apart. I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping. If I didn't know better, I would seriously think that I was on some kind of methamphetamines, only I know that I'm not. I go and go and go, until I absolutely drop. Or I burst into tears. I am exhausted, but I can't sleep.

And it's so hard. I can't just let go, and try and take the comfort I need, because I don't quite know how. The little solace I'm managing to hold on to is in short supply indeed, and even that isn't going to last long. I am frustrated and angry and sad and confused and happy and giddy and all of the emotions that have been absent for so long that I had forgotten how they felt.

And while on the one hand, it's amazing, all the feelings. On the opposite hand, they are overwhelming me. I am crashing and drowning, and I can't breathe. There is nothing to hold on to, and no one to hold me long enough for me to sleep and breathe. And I hurt.

Someone said to me in the last few days that perhaps I give too much. I want to ease the pain everyone else feels, and make it easier for them. And that's true. But I don't know how to ask for anyone to ease my pain, or accept it when someone wants to give to me. I don't even know how to explain *how* to help me when I am in pain. Physical or emotional.

It is once again the middle of the night, and I am once again wandering around in circles in a blog post that makes no sense to anyone else but me...

Goodnight internets...