You oughta know...

I'm not even sure what I wanted to write about right now. Just knew that I needed to write something. I'm in a very strange mood today. Fortunately, there isn't really anyone here to watch me be in this mood. Things are piling up again. It feels sort of like the roof is about to cave in on top of me. So many things spinning around and around.

I got busted (for lack of a better word) yesterday by the management here, because I was using the pool. Oh, the horror. Not that there was *anyone* in the pool area using it, that I would've been disturbing. But, busted nonetheless. So we went in to fill out the application to add me to the lease. I honestly am not sure whether or not they're going to be dicks about it. Things are complicated enough right now without having to worry about where I'm living. It kind of sucks.

I've finally gotten around to dealing with some emotional bullshit that I tend to just shove into a little corner and ignore. That generally works for me, putting my emotional problems into a little box and ignoring them. Until they explode, that is. It doesn't work then. I'm still angry. I'm still hurt, by what Courtney did, and how she did it. It isn't like I walk around crying my eyes out. Not my style. But on the other hand, it still hurts. She isn't the person I thought she was. She isn't the person she used to be. And I have to deal with that, and say goodbye in my own way. And I can't handle it the way I used to, by lashing out and, essentially, punishing the one who hurt me. And that was how I knew how to deal with pain. If I was hurting, I'd hurt them more. So now I'm saying goodbye to what was a friendship of more than half of my life. Maybe someday I'll be able to look back at the good things from the last 15 years, but right now, all I am is angry. Forgive and forget, not so much. I guess in my own way I forgave her. But I'll never forget. And I won't make the attempt again.

'Chelle and I have had our differences over the years. I guess I never really realized just how much she means to me, as a part of my life. This mess with Courtney has shown me some things I never really sit down and think about. I won't open myself back up to Courtney again, not now, not ever. I don't know for sure if that means that she wasn't as important as 'Chelle to me. I don't know what it means. But I have figured out something else. 'Chelle and I have had massive blowouts. And one or the other of us always drifts back and we make up. I know her, her faults, her mistakes. All the things that make her *her*. I know what she's thinking, and how she feels most of the time. She's the first person I think to call when something is going on. I know that she'll be anywhere I need her. I kind of nonchalantly refer to her as my best friend, or me as her best friend. I don't really think about it. Maybe I should. But when it comes down to it, we've both grown and changed since we first met. And we've been round and round and round. But when it comes back around, the people we finally are now, we're good people. And I'm glad we managed to hold on to that. Boys, friends, problems, differences. We pushed past it, and ended up here. And that's not a bad thing. And I'm grateful. Everyone needs one good, solid friend. And I have two. 'Chelle and Danny. Both are here without question, anytime I need them.

Okay, that was a ramble I hadn't intended on.

Looks like my mom got her house. Paperwork is going through. I'm not sure where it is, or anything else. She's still getting married at the beginning of June. I'll be going up for the wedding. I probably won't stay long, because of the stuff I have going on here at home. But it will be nice to see her married to someone who doesn't suck. And it's been nice watching her be happy for the last year and a half. In spite of all the health issues going on and whatnot, they're still happy. I wish I could be there more, spend more time with them, but I can't. My home is here. It is what it is.