To the Gods, I beseech: Care for what I love, while I cannot.

I can't always take care of what I love. I sometimes am not given that choice. In those situations, all I'm left with is shooting my oft unanswered plea to whoever is listening, that they'll be watched over, and hoping for the best. That's all I can do, and it leaves me frustrated and powerless.

I am so tired, and so afraid, and have no way to rectify any of it. No way to know what's going on, and no way to figure anything out. So, instead I'll fill my days trying out cooking new recipes, reading various books, and playing silly video games, trying desperately to distract myself. Sometimes, it works. Most often, it doesn't.

It does, for short stretches of time. But not for all the empty hours. Such is life. Right now. I'm going to go and peel parsnips and carrots, to drop into the crockpot, to roast as winter vegetables, for something to do. Then I'll go back to researching tamale filling, because that will be my project for tomorrow, most likely.

I'm told it's an almost all-day project, just putting the assembly of them together. I'm thinking about renewing my Netflix subscription, simply because it will give me something to do, watching mindless films. School will start again in January, which is good, and will fill yet more time, and that will help. This stretch of time off is difficult, because I hadn't realized how much of my spare time school ate up, and gave me a way to focus. Hours upon hours of time, with nothing to do, and no goal is very difficult for me now.

I am having a very difficult time of a lot of things, handling them. I was much better focusing on people other than myself. I guess social work really was a good choice for a major. So would law be, if I do decide to go that route. Either one, would give me the ideal way to focus my energy completely on people other than me.