April 30, 2008

I hate you right now. I hate you so much that I can't even see straight. Every single solitary thing inside of me is either completely broken, or well on its way to getting there. There's a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and my mind is just circling round and round with "you knew this was going to happen."

And I did. I did know. I knew I should have just fucking sent you away in the first place. Because I knew damned well that when it came right down to it, I don't matter to you. There will always be someone who can tell you "just leave, walk away from her", and you'll either do it, or you'll have to sit and make some heart-wrenching decision, and somewhere it'll be my fault that you gave them up for me.

And you know what? That you have to sit and contemplate it at all is killing me. Because there shouldn't be any thought for this. You have sworn to me for months that this wasn't even a fucking possibility. And when I told you you were wrong? You got all offended that I would accuse you of such a thing. You threw things like "You really have a low opinion of me, don't you" and such nonsense at me. You were so wounded that I would think such a thing of you. Because you would *never* do that to me! And here we are. You're royally pissed at me, again, because once again I was right, and you're doing precisely what I'd said would happen...and you hate that, because it means two things. You aren't who I thought you were. And that what you said was a lie to me. Again. All that wounded bullshit, where you tried to make me feel bad for doubting you, ended up with me being correct in the end.

Do you know how many people I've told to go piss off because of you? That I wasn't willing to listen to people's bullshit about you? And when people tried to get me to choose a "him or us" kind of choice, I very easily, without the moral debate or having to "think things over" told them to go fuck themselves, because I wasn't willing to give up someone I cared about and drop you. I chose to keep you in my life, and if they didn't like it, *they* were welcome to leave. I was quite willing to stop speaking to and seeing *them*, but not you.

And you know what? That included my mom, when she was being oh so disapproving. I told her if she didn't like my choices, she was welcome to simply not speak to me. I would speak with Dana and Mark, and my dad. But I wasn't willing to have my choice of friends dictated by someone else.

So your girlfriend is going to dictate who you can and can't see or be friends with, talk to and spend time with? That's fucking bullshit. And that you're willing to let her, after all your big talk about "no woman is going to tell me who I can be friends with." And that I was much too important and valuable a friend to you for you to simply throw away? I no longer believe you. Your words and your actions just don't match.

I'm sure that what you'll end up telling me in the end is that you've decided for yourself that she is simply so important to you that you'll do anything to keep her. But what that means in reality is that you've caved to a completely unreasonable demand, and that you lied to me. Because you made a promise to me, and I have been nothing to you. And you've proven to me that I was correct all along, and that I should have trusted my instincts and operated under the assumption that you would indeed vanish, because I didn't matter to you, just as I always believed.

The fact that you would sit and need to "think about what to do", instead of just telling her that you refuse to just abandon someone who you claim is a good and valuable and cared for friend, simply because she tells you to...that tells me a lot of things. None of them good.

And that you don't seem to realize that I have feelings, and you have once again completely disregarded them and not noticed that I'm broken and bleeding, and hurt beyond measure. You care that you hurt her. But you never for a second cared how badly what you said might have hurt me. You were simply pissed because I wouldn't sit down, shut up, and leave you be to make your decision. It didn't matter that I was hurt.